DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

Council tax I believe, quite rightly, assumes that you can't be living in 2 places at once. If he was officially living at mine then he wouldn't be paying bills, full council tax etc, at this, would he?

What questions am I not answering? I know why I am posting. Why are you posting, other than to be rude and aggressive?

so you just want people to agree with you?

No, of course not, but it's not helpful to ask me why I keep posting here??? I am happy for people to disagree but I am also entitled to disagree with them! As for not listening, I am reading all the comments but of course don't necessarily act on them. So posters are asking why i married him after the previous comments. Well, I married him because I loved it. I don't regret it for a minute so cannot respond by saying, yes it was all a terrible mistake, I'll divorce him etc. I am in a hugely complex situation and trying to navigate a way through, trying to work out what I am right to feel strongly about, what is is reasonable to concede, why I may feel overly concerned about certain things, however irrational. Like losing control of my home. A very real fear that some posters have used to accuse my of hating DSC and not wanting them to disturb my family life. I suspect many of those posters have not been in my situation - those that have can identify with how it feels and it helps to know people have felt the same and to learn from how they have addressed it.

minki Im surprised that as a solicitor, that you have not sought clarification as to whether your local council tax office views your DHs home as a "second home" as he is only living there for 2 days a week. You are, after all, cohabiting in your home for over 70% of the time, so single persons discount seems inappropriate in this case, irrespective of the existence of a second house. It's a complicated area of legislation, and interpretation and enforcement frequently changes.

I live in an area with many "second homes" so have seen a lot of controversy, and indeed, when my now DH and I got together, the home I was selling was inaccurately considered by the Council a second family home. It required an inspection by the local authority to "prove" it was empty and not habitable - and therefore eligible for the relevant reliefs.

As for how it is relevant - well, given your apparent aversion to financial risk preventing you from living with your DH in the traditional manner, you seem very blasé about the possibility that you could be commiting council tax fraud - I imagine that would be career limiting?

And now, not am a I a terrible monster of step-mother, but I am also commmitting council tax fraud!! Shock, horror!!! Thank you for your "concern" Peruvian, but I am very comfortable that I am NOT committing council tax fraud. Please save your concern and (crap) advice for others. This also has NOTHING to do with what I was asking?? Why do you keep posting here?

You are married to a man who, fundamentally, you have no ability to communicate with over important, down to the crux of it matters. That you love him isn't enough. You haven't discussed money with the man you married. You haven't discussed how you're going to blend your lives from a financial perspective. You have a very, very deep rooted resentment of your husband's children - not at a personal level but because of what they represent (that you are unable to be a 'perfect family'). Because of the children and because of the massive white elephant labelled money, you are unable to move in together.

This would be fine if you had agreed it prior to getting married. Indeed, know one couple who have lived on the opposite sides of the world for over 20 years and who have made their marriage work. But it works because they were fundamentally on the same page and understood that not living together was something they had to do to get what they both needed out of life. Your post strongly suggest you and your husband do not have the same expectations of married life. And then you ignore anything constructive said that might help you deal with that.

You need therapy. You need to understand why you are unable to accept that you won't have the 'ideal family set up' and come to terms with the fact someone else's actions have denied you that. You also need to understand why you think 'love is enough' to make a marriage work and overcome all your issues related to sharing and coming together in a marriage. You also need to understand why it is you're willing to get involved with someone to the point of marrying them but without ever having discussed how you'll manage financially as man and wife. No amount of posting on a forum is going to help with that.

People are frustrated here because you are going round in circles and fundamentally refusing to move your own life forwards by taking control of the difficult stuff.

There are two adults in the OP's household anyway, as the au pair lives there too. Whether or not the OP would be classed as a single parent for benefits purposes seems a bit moot since she isn't claiming any (and I assume her DH isn't either).

I'd echo NanaNina and say Why not be true to yourself and decide once and for all that DH is not going to move in. At least then a decision has been reached. Your DH may not find it one compatible with his expectations of the marriage, and he would hardly be alone in that. But you can move forward. There's no reason why an unconventional domestic set-up can't work if all parties are happy with it but at the moment you are in limbo.

Er, I didnt get an au-pair after I was accused of stunting DSC's mental and phyiscal development by not giving her her own room. No au-pair just 1,000 a month on childcare.

ok, thanks you fedupandtribpot. Fedup, I am arranging counselling. Did you mean for myself or together? I take the point about resenting them but not on a personal level and about the issues of moving in together. What constructive suggestions have I ignored though that could help resolve this? I want to resolve it but don't know if I can. In my defence, he also does not communicate about money or plan anythign and everytime I have broached it it ends in disaster. Part of the reason for posting here was to clarify in my own mind what is right and reasonable in this situation. The issue about whether he should pay whilst he is at mine is critical to that. I think the fact that I have always shouldered the costs had bred distrust and it seems that I have to address that head on if we are to make any progress.

Tribpot, if that was what i genuinely felt then I would say it. But I don't know if I definitely don;t want to, ever. I am very very apprehensive of doing it, for good reason I think. I think if we don't then it will not be acceptable to DH and there is a good chance the marriage will be over. I need to factor that it.

not am a I a terrible monster of step-mother, but I am also commmitting council tax fraud!!

No one has accused you of either of those things. I have mentioned that they may be possibilities and asked if you had considered them. I do wonder what makes the outcomes of your situation so different from many others - including situations described elsewhere on MN.

If your interpretation of my posts and others on this thread is representative of your communication skills in RL, then I'm beginning to wonder if your DH is desperately trying to talk to you about the issues in your marriage but you are misunderstanding him in the same way as you have misunderstood so many posters on this thread.

Minki I suggest you totally ignore any posters who you think are being aggressive or unpleasant. It's not worth arguing with them and I wouldn't bother if I were you. some people seem to get off on trying to goad OPs and in trying to upset them.

I wish there was a hide poster button.

There is a big difference between offering hard-to-hear 'forthright' advice and just being unpleasant.

you seem very blas about the possibility that you could be commiting council tax fraud - I imagine that would be career limiting?

How is that not accusing me of council tax fraud?

And now I have poor communication skills?

Minki - it isn't an accusation. It honestly isn't.

minki I'm highlighting that other posts, here and on other forums, and RL experiences of situations similar to yours have resulted in Liability for full council tax, and I have commented on your casual attitude towards this being a possibility in your, very similar, case.

As you are certain that you are not liable, despite cohabiting for 70% of the time, I can only assume that there are significant additional circumstances that you have chosen not to share. But posters can only comment on what you write.

And I do think your attitude to possible financial liabilities is relevant to the thread - given that your previous posts have made clear how significant your financial security is to you. So much so, that you won't live with your DH.

Despite that, you have indicated that you haven't taken recent advice about how your part time cohabitation with your husband and his DCs may affect your financial liabilities or security and the impact on your pre-nup.

given that your previous posts have made clear how significant your financial security is to you. So much so, that you won't live with your DH.

More lies. I have reservations about living with him partly for financial reasons but mostly for emotional reasons, losing control of my house.

Not an accusation, what is it then? An insinuation? A suggestion? Call it whatever it is designed to be NASTY and does not address any of the f-ing issues on this thread.

Peruvian, you seem like a truly spiteful individual. You have joined this thread simply to attack and abuse and hijack other helpful comments. Thanks for sabotaging the one way I had of discussing this and seeking advice. Nice work.

I have taken legal advice. I don't need any legal or tax advice. I repeat. I do not need any legal or tax advice. DSC are here 1 night a week. That is not cohabiting. It's a sleep over.

To say that someone seems blasé ie overly relaxed about a risk is not accusing them of something.

I read your thread before Xmas and have read the last few pages and I don't think Peruvian is being nasty to you.

Regarding the balance of paying for things, I think your situation is pretty unprecedented so it's hard to find a "norm" - however, him paying nothing is definitely not on!

I think your husband is taking the piss. How can he turn up five nights a week (sometimes with children) and not even suggest he contributes towards food and drink? How can he accept glass after glass of wine and not think, on his way there, "Oh I'll buy a bottle for tonight"?

He is very tight with his money, isn't he?

He doesn't do anything "for" that money, does he? He doesn't help you out in any way. He doesn't pick up your children, though he could, couldn't he? That would save you money but he won't do it.

What about jobs in the house? Would he offer to paint a room for you? Does he do the garden? Does he share in the housework?

Yes, he has his own home, but everyone knows that if you're not living in your own home for five nights a week, there's less wear and tear, less mess, the heating cost is 2/7ths of everyone else's and so is the food bill.

He is tight. I'm sure you do love him but he has an eye for the main chance and it's very, very unattractive.

Think about it. If he was advertising himself on a dating website and said, "I will stay with you for five nights a week. You must keep two rooms free for my children. I won't contribute in any way - I won't even buy a bottle of wine on a Friday night. I will pay my bus fare, but luckily I have a pass so that won't cost me any extra. Everything else is down to you." How likely is it that you'd think, "Oh my god, this is a lovely man!"? No, the words that would come to mind would be "user", "selfish", "tight", "entitled" and similar.

Oh and for the person talking on and on about council tax. They both have their own homes and each pays the tax on it. That is enough. If my mum came to stay for a month I wouldn't change my single person's council tax because I know she's also paying hers. If she came to live with me and gave up her home and stopped paying her tax, then I would inform the council. Stop going on about it.

Peruvian, you seem like a truly spiteful individual.

I may seem like it, but it can assure you my motives are not spiteful. I have been neither abusive nor attacking.

I have questioned your judgement, and the consistency of your posts, as have others.

Seeking advice from others by presenting an incomplete or inaccurate account of the situation is a waste of everyone's time.

A genuine poster would be concerned about the possible financial implications of sharing their home with their husband and welcome comments about the limitations of pre-nups etc - their anger would be directed at the solicitor who advised them, not the poster who highlighted the actualities of the law. It seems you are seeking validation that your position is reasonable, rather than advice.

I said upthread, your DH undoubtedly married you with the very reasonable expectation that you would cohabit. Your refusal to do so, particularly when you has such significant doubts and yet married him anyway, is one of the most unreasonable things I have ever read on MN. The double standards that have been applied on this thread are inevitable - I Am certain that had you been a man refusing to agree to his WIFE moving into his substantial home with her DCs, but expecting her to wait around in case he changes his mind - you would have been flamed to a cinder.

Exactly Imperial. And agree on the rest. It doesn't sound good when you put it like that. And I have often thought, why does he never buy a bottle of wine, pint of milk etc etc. I suspect if he did contribute a lot more than I would feel a lot differently about all of it but I just have this deeprooted feeling that I am being taken for a ride. My mum goes crazy when she stays as she sees that he never buys anything or pays for anything. he does help out with the kids in the morning and at night but doing things that I do anyway/doubling up. On the rare occasion he has looked after them, then trust me I know about it as it becomes a huge thing that I have to be grateful for.

Peruvian, so now you know more that my lawyer and barrister? He's a top family lawyer in London, as is my barrister, but you know more? I have not given an inaccurate account. It's impossible to cover every detail here but I have given as much informatian as possible. Again, "my refusal to do so" - read the friggin title of the threat! They were/are moving in! Again, can you please get off this thread as you are adding nothing helpful. Please, clear off.

It's clear you have long standing issues, that you've been unable to resolve thus far, even after marrying this man. Even if you are able to convince your DH to contribute financially, you still have the additional problem of feeling that you have "lost control" (so to speak) of your own home, not to mention your continued resentment of your DSS.

I think from here you have two options to choose from.

1 - Continue to live separately from your DH, and your DCS. And hope that the situation may improve in the years to come.

2 - End the marriage, go your separate ways and accept that although you love him, you just couldn't make it work.

Personally, I think this all sounds extremely stressful, and it isn't what marriage should be about. It really does sound like your heart is not in it.

A genuine poster would be concerned about the possible financial implications of sharing their home with their husband and welcome comments about the limitations of pre-nups etc - their anger would be directed at the solicitor who advised them, not the poster who highlighted the actualities of the law. It seems you are seeking validation that your position is reasonable, rather than advice.

But I haveb't asked for advice about the enforceability of my pre-nup. I have advice from my lawyer. Also, given that you claim to know so much about law, unless you are a qualified family lawyer, you shoudl refrain from trying to give legal advice. It's considered, "holding yourself out" as a lawyer when you are not. There are liabilities around that as well. Check it out.

thanks MrS. I think that is exactly the decision to make.