DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

Which is it minki? Is he living there 5/7 days a week and you resent him not contributing to the household expenses, or has he "never lived there"?

You are married. The legal assumption and expectation is that you share a home. Who owns that home is irrelevant (unless you split) - you share a marital home for five days a week - which is a great deal more than many couples, married or otherwise.

minki the law hasn't changed since 1950 - each married partner has a legal duty to support the other.
You may not want support from him; but when you married him, you accepted that duty on you to support him. You can't absolve yourself of that without divorcing him.

Check out the CAB website - it explains what legal obligations a marriage carries with it.

Peruvian, can you please stop repeating yourself? We disagree fundamentally on the second point. On the first point, he is HERE 5 days a week out of 7 but has his own places with all his things in, has a mortgage on etc. In both our minds I don't think we see ourselves as living together. I am really not looking for legal advice on this. if I was I would have posted in Legal!

Peruvian, with respect, please butt out. I was getting some helpful, on point comments from other posters and you have now hijacked. I am fully aware of the meaning of marriage. I have been advised, I am a lawyer myself, so fear not.

He should certainly be chipping in for consumables whilst he's at yours - food and so on. Not only that but how is it possible that he never grabs of bottle of wine or pint of milk on the way to yours? Does he never phone to see if you need anything fetching?

The point still remains, though - why don't you just ask him? Just straight out and simple: either we take it turns to buy the week's groceries (not very practical but at least then he would be able to buy the stuff he likes that might not be on your usual list) or we split the grocery bill, say 75:25. (I forgot about the au pair, call it 80:20).

I suspect he will demand an itemised bill each week, and refuse to pay for things he hasn't used. You know, like flat mates do. But at least then you will know.

Your fear of the financial risk is overwhelming you. Your lawyer has protected you legally as far as he or she felt was possible (and bear in mind you asked certain, specific questions at the time - if you haven't updated him/her on the current situation I think you should). Your lawyer could not advise you about your level of risk aversion. You just weren't ready to remarry. And particularly not to someone very different in temperament and expectations.

You know you don't want him to move in, you're just afraid to say it out loud. But once you do you can start to discuss what you do about it.

Minki Of course your DH should be paying. You know that don't you.
I don't understand why you can't discuss these things with him. I can see that he might want to avoid talking about money but I don't see why that should stop you from trying.
What do you think you should do? If you were advising someone else in you position what would tell them to do?
I can't see how him moving in with you would work. It would be very unfair on all the children and it would, in a peculiar way, be unfair on your DH. You would be setting up,a situation that you already know you are resentful,and uncertain about. It's not right to take a risk like that that would have such an impact on the kids.

"Should I expect DH to look after my kids as well? Of course not."

Lots of blended families do this though - I expect there are few where the step parent is home and a nanny works that day with the other set of kids.

Not saying you should do this, but why is the very idea outrageous?

Haven't read full thread yet, but is it feasible to sell your house and his flat and buy somewhere new where you can start again in your (mutual) house? I moved into the house DH bought with his ex wife .She lived there only 3 m but it never felt mine . No children involved .(we moved 5 years later to present house) .I'd sold my house and brought a bit of cash in ,which we used for repairs to his house (he'd bought her out and doubled the mortgage), but nowhere near his 'investment' . But when we bought this house it was as tenants in common, strictly 50:50 regardless.(by then we had a child and another on the way)
Ptractically surely a 6 bedroom house has three 'reception rooms' ? Couldnt you turn one into office and free up a bedroom ?

I followed your thread at the end of last year Minki and I'm very relieved that your DH and his children haven't moved in. There were so many warning bells clanging in your head, I really hoped you would heed them!

I too don't understand why you haven't discussed the issue of finance when DH is at yours - I notice one or two posters have asked and you haven't responded. You are a lawyer and obviously a very intelligent and rational woman, so why wouldn't you talk about this - maybe you have a reason I don't know. But it seems a fundamental issue that should be discussed. I'm sure you must be resentful that he is not making any contribution, and what kind of man expects to live absolutely free for 5 days out of 7?

BUT I honestly don't think you should go ahead a let him move in with the children for 50% of the time. Do you think tribot with the last lines of her recent post. I think she could be right. Have you "rehearsed" the idea of telling him that you have decided it isn't a good idea, and is there some stumbling block that is preventing you from taking this action.

In an earlier post you mentioned wanting just an ideal family, like you had with your ex and your children......and I wonder if you are still mourning for that "ideal" - it's obviously the best thing all round, but with marriages/partnerships breaking up in excess of 40% of cases, it doesn't look good for the future does it and so many "blended" or usually "unblended" families.

Why not be true to yourself and decide once and for all that DH is not going to move in. There are 2 major issues - finance and the children. You aren't able to compromise - that's not a criticism by the way, but an observation, and why should you compromise when it doesn't feel right. BUT you have to tell him.........it's not fair on him or you, or the kids (any of them) PLEASE don't go ahead as this would be so unfair on all 4 of the children.

Sorry I mean to say do you think tribot with the last lines of her recent post has a point ?

Sorry but I think he is taking advantage of you. He gets free food (and drink) at your house for five days. That must double your grocery bill, since your boys are little. Yes he is paying utilities at his house, but he must turn his heat way down when he is gone, and uses your hot water, your TV, your everything for 5/7 of the time. Free!

I kind of recall this, but did you say he requests certain foods? That you buy?

Why do you consistently ignore answering the question..why haven't you asked him? I really don't get what the problem is? And now finding out you are a lawyer, I am shocked. It's a very simple conversation to have.
Husband...you are spending lots of time here, you and your children, you need to contribute x amount a week. What do you think?

It's easy! Why are you not doing it?

In both our minds I don't think we see ourselves as living together

What about the DCs? What do they think? Your DSC spend their time with their dad "sofa surfing" in effect - some of their time at their dads home, but some in yours, where they have no space of their own and cannot call it home - in order to protect their stepmums assets?

Do your DSC live out of suitcases when they spend time in your home? Do your children consider their stepsibs to be living with them - or are they visitors? Do you live as a "family" - are the DCs treated equally; chores, responsibilities and rewards?

This sounds like such a dysfunctional and confusing environment for the DCs - for the DSC three regular "homes", one of which they aren't allowed to consider home, their respective parents married but not living with their spouse, and one adult resenting the others presence in her house.

minki I think the issue of who buys the milk is the least if your problems.

And on that note, I will "butt out", as there are so many discrepancies and holes in your story that you have lost credibility.

minki I think the issue of who buys the milk is the least if your problems.
^
this ....with bells on

Having followed this - and commented under another name - since last year, I just don't get how you don't understand how fundamentally flawed your relationship is when you can't actually address who buys groceries, and have SC's trailing about from house to house and such a divided household.

Can you imagine where you'll be in a years time, 5 years time and does that help you plot a path out of this mess would you even still be married to him, would either set of children still be speaking to you

Sorry just saw this sentence way backin one of your early posts --- "do I ...accept that I cannot ever have the ideal set-up as I see it and compromise?"

Yes - that's what families and in particular step families are all about - compromise

I cannot wait for the OP to actually answer some of these questions...I am starting to think...hairy hands...

Ok, so to answer why I haven't raised this with me. Well, first of all, I was not sure if it was fair to ask him to contibute as he is only here 5 days, doesn't eat much and helps out with the kids, e.g. helps putting them to bed, getting ready for school in the morning. Not that I need the help, he just does it. I also know he feels that he makes all the effort to visit me, rather than me going to him, so pays more on his travel card, although it should even out as there is a daily limit and he travels anyway. Secondly, I am the higher earner so there is a perception, including my own, that I should pay more. It's only when I sat down and went through the figures that I realised that although my income is higher, my outgoings are at 3 x times his due to higher mortgage and childcare costs. The perception still lingers. Thirdly, it's embarrassing and I struggle with things like this generally, especially when it's someone so close to me who I love and who has been very good to me in other ways. Just feel so mean to say, buy your own dinner! Fourthly, it's been going on for 3.5 years now so even harder to say something after all this time! How on earth do you raise it?

Peruvian, for the millionth time, the kids are not confused. The status qou has been maintained. They stay once a week on Friday night. There are two bedrooms available for them to use but, through choice, they share one. There are also empty cupboards/drawers for them to use where they leave things sometimes but most their stuff is not here as they don;t live here. Given that they are only here from 7pm on Friday until 10 am on Saturday, what were you expecting? Unlke you, they don;t have fixed idea of what a marriage has to be, especially a second marriage where 2 kids go to school in one part of London and the other two in another part 45 minutes away. That in itself is an easy enough explanation as to why we aren't living together. They are not confused or upset about the situation.

I am not sure why you keep posting here. You selectively answer questions (and therefore avoid answering the ones that would probably give you the answers you need, not the ones you want) and are aggressive and unpleasant to those people who are challenging you. Nothing has changed. You married a man you are unable to talk to. You married a man with children and you have a massive, massive resentment of their existence and their potential impact on your family life.

Unless you are prepared to actually dig deep and answer the tough stuff and face the reality, why keep posting?

What questions am I not answering? I know why I am posting. Why are you posting, other than to be rude and aggressive?

I think there is a fair amount of people being aggressive and unpleasant to me. For example, I have a "massive, massive resentment of their existence." based on what exactly? Pure spite.

Despite being told to "butt out" for asking polite and reasonable questions, I'm going to dare to ask another, as I have been repeatedly accused of having a 1950s view of marriage when I have highlighted my understanding of the legal position.

Does you local council tax office consider that you and your Husband are living separately, as that is what you consider you are doing, despite spending 5 nights a week living in the same home as a couple, sharing childcare responsibilities and your taking financial responsibility for him (by providing food etc) on those days?

Peruvian, which "local" tax office are you talking about? Council tax is not based on whether you are married. I get a single person discount as I am the only adult living in the property. He pays council tax on his property, probably also with a single person discount. They don't ask or care whether you are married, just who lives in the property. When my ex moved out, we were still married but I was entitled to a single person discount. What other tax office are you talking about and how is this relevant???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

If they asked for evidence or challenged this then saying they are registered elsewhere for council tax is sufficient. I know as this came up with DH. Again, I repeat, I am not asking for legal or tax advice here.