Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

Majority attacking?

Ok so have I got this right:

-In 5 years mum has never ever had her DCs at the weekend ? So she has never taken them to parties/christenings etc . Never taken them on holiday ?

• you and your dp have never ever had a night out without DSCs?

You've been together 5 years and you've not had ONE child free weekend . That's 260 weekends . Even if mum was rigid about contact and insisted the DSC were your responsibility every single weekend , does your dh have no family who could babysit every once in a while ? (I realise a lot of people don't but I think it's a valid question)

I've been a stepmother. I've also had a stepmother. BallandChainer, Your words cut deep into me.

I feel every word you've written. I endorse it. I lived it.

natalie, listen to her.

You have not been attacked for hating his kids.
It has been pointed out to you that what you are asking for, whilst not unreasonable, simply will not work.
You were looking for people to tell you there is a way of finding happily ever after, the majority have given you a reality check instead.

What would you do if they came to live with you full time?

Actually OP I have been in your situation - DSS was 3 when I met his dad and I had 15 years of thurs/fri/sat evenings .... When my own DS came along we had even less time alone.

I would never have demanded H choose time with me.

My sister is divorced. After the divorce, my ex-brother-in-law had one girlfriend who didn't have children, didn't like children, complained the children were rude etc. Honestly, you may not be doing it deliberately OP, but the children CAN TELL how you feel and so no wonder they treat you this way. Anyway, she didn't last very long, because he chose his children (as any decent human being should!) Now he has a new girlfriend. She didn't have children, and didn't necessarily 'like' children, but she treated my nieces and nephews respectfully and didn't see them as obstacles or enemies and 10+ years later they all get on very well. She comes to events and the children see her as part of the family and a whole new side of life has opened up to her.

I guess I'm saying it's up to you how this all turns out but you don't have a strong hand unless your partner is the kind of man to pick a woman over his children in which case you'd probably deserve each other

No-one has attacked you, you silly girl. They've told you the truth. You are behaving like a jealous sibling vying for daddy's attention yourself, that's how I guessed you were much younger. It's ironic that you accuse his DD of being jealous, because you sound no different to her.

I also endorse every word BallandChainer said. Whatever you think you are feeling, trust me, speaking as one who knows, it cannot possibly compare to the children's feelings about you being such a huge part of their lives whether they like it or not. Especially when they will be in no doubt whatsoever that you loathe them and resent their presence.

I don't buy all this 'I hate all children full stop' stuff. I bet you do have your own children with him eventually. And God help your poor stepkids when that happens. The only blessing is that at least they'll be old enough by then to deal with the rejection a bit better. Although hopefully their father will never let that happen.

There's nothing quite like being shoved to the back of the queue or written out of the picture totally to make way for your stepmother's PFB to emotionally damage you for life.

I'm glad you've come up with a compromise. I hope things start feeling better for you.

You are entitled to quality time with your fiancé.

Hahahaha.

Yes, you have a relationship which you find unsatisfactory.
Instead of focussing upon the fact that you resent your DP because he puts the needs of his children before yours, you rather childishly wrap it up in blaming the children.
So having reached this hopeless impasse and clearly incapable of having any meaningful communication with your DP to try and resolve this fundamental issue, you post on here, call anyone who points out that this situation is stupid a big old meanie and plan your wedding.

Excellent.

They will be off to Uni soon and you will have him all to yourself then.

Pag stop being a big old meanie with your clear-eyed analysis.

Ballandchainer, me too.

You need to try and get on with them. Soon they won't be children, they are almost adults. Do you want a relationship with them then?

My step mum was like you and we picked up on it and were trouble... Until she realised we were people with feelings who generally don't react well to realising they are hated.

If you tried with them your weekends may not be so bad.

On the other hand, the odd pre arranged weekend just you two wouldn't hurt but these are two separate issues IMO

Why on earth are you getting married? You have found this situation difficult for five years and you are still planning to marry this man .

Your DP has made his feelings clear, he wants to spend time with his children (quite rightly).

Accept it, things won't change and you will only get more resentful.

Leave him, have some fun, make other friends rather than clinging on to this man.

Fell, Fafoutis and Shirley,

I've steered clear of "step-parenting" so far, but this thread showed up in active... The way I see it, the DC experience belongs in the wider discussion on step-parenting... It's as much a part of the issue, surely? But I know it's not welcome so I'll bow out.

Not interested in hijacking the thread, but glad to hear others have shared the experience. Mid 30s, just starting to realise the impact it's had, I felt the need to chip in...

To the OP (and anyone else in her situation) I'd say what I'd say to any parent: a relationship is a two-way street, yes. But as long as the person(s) involved are children, you do have to take your responsibility as an adult.

When do you ever see a parent ask for advise like "help, DC are doing my head in" and get a reply like "oh dear, sounds dreadful, but hey - those kids need to take some responsibility and be nice/respectful/considerate to your needs, after all you didn't sign up for parenting badly behaved children!"???

Because you are the adult in your relationship with the stepkids, your DP has their own relationship with them.

You are responsible for the quality in that relationship far, far more than the children. (Or your DP.)

If you find that difficult to deal with / comprehend, there's not a whole lot anyone can say or do to help.

And to anyone in the OPs DPs situation: REALLY? You choose to spend your life with someone who has such a low opinion of your DC? How do you think that'll make them feel? About themselves? About you?

Finally - LOVE. You can give it freely, and still have more than enough to go around.

I'm guessing that if the 'traditional' contact schedule of every other weekend, plus one weeknight, was in place, the OP probably wouldn't feel the way she does?

Me too, BallAndChainer. My father wasn't as committed as the OP's. And I broke all contact with him in my 30s when I had my own child, because I didn't want them exposed to people capable of treating kids that way.

OP, why don't you plan to go to the cinema and out for a meal after work in the week, at least once a week? Sure, you're tired. That's life. Parents with kids who also work are also very tired - with young kids, Corrie in front of the telly is a rare treat tbh. You have half the week without kids, alone with your DP. It's down to the pair of you to convert that to quality time, surely?

I'm guessing that if the 'traditional' contact schedule of every other weekend, plus one weeknight, was in place, the OP probably wouldn't feel the way she does?

I'd read her description of the kids when they're there. It is not just about time with her partner. It's about their existing as hugely important people in his life, with the right to treat her home as their own. I don't blame her for not liking that - they aren't her kids. But I doubt very much if their not being there as much would help. It's their being there at all that causes the issue.

My father and stepmother live in Australia. She was exactly like this. So I am not really on board the "less time with the kids could fix this" train.

She already has half the week with her partner - they just aren't doing anything in that time. Which is not down to the kids. Though as the kids are 13 and 15 I do think she and her DP could go to the cinema or a meal once a month without them - they don't need babysitting at that age. Wouldn't alter her feelings, though. The main issue is they aren't her kids and she doesn't like them being there, and that isn't resolvable.

I know that the OP has half the week with her partner, but it's not the 'quality time' part of the week, is it?

What is the quality time of the week. Does no one ever go to dinner or the cinema on a Tuesday?
DH and I are going to a concert tonight because ds1 can babysit. Is that weird for some reason?
Should we be staying at home seething that we couldn't go on Saturday?

It is a somewhat unusual contact pattern, and I think it's one I would struggle with unless it was all balanced exceptionally sensitively and cleverly by DP. But then again, if it exists for a good reason (we have no answers about why this contact pattern is the way it is) then I honestly am not sure I'd have been able to develop a relationship in these circumstances in the first place...

From the way the OP speaks, it does seem like the odd weekend day here or there isn't likely to make much difference to the bigger picture. It would be one thing if she said she got on with the kids OK but just found it really hard because every single weekend revolved around them, but she's not saying that. I think if things had been different from the outset, maybe she wouldn't have ended up with feelings this strong, but now the situation seems pretty extreme really.

But Petal this has been going on for 5 years, so since the DCs were 8 and 10. This is his contact schedule, if the OP hates children and doesn't like them being there so regularly why has she pursued a relationship to the point of marriage? FWIW I don't think there is anything wrong with saying to 2 teenagers 'We are off out for the night, get yourself a pizza' or whatever but the OP's resentment seems to stem from their actual existence and not much can be done about that.

Two grown adults with free will have got themselves into this. OP's DP should be ashamed that he has allowed a situation where his 2 children have been forced to live for the past 5 years with an adult who hates them, and the OP shouldn't have entered a relationship involving children if she hates them so much. It is all very well her saying that no one would bat an eyelid if someone said they hate cats. Well they would if they then went out and got a cat!

I can see both sides of the coin here too.

What if (in my case) the ex (eg the mother) of the DC decides to change the rules as and when it suits her, eg on the weekend the DF has 'free' the DM suddenly decides she's ill, wants him to have the DC etc. What happens then?

And of course the DF doesn't want to upset the DM, rock the boat so he goes along with whatever she wants to keep her happy...

Oh and I totally GET that if you're having a relationship with a man with kids they come first. but when you get to my age (43) there are few childless men around....

If the OP here isn't happy with the situation long-term she should find someone else as she is a lot younger than her SO.

My dad had me every weekend from the age of 7, because I was his daughter and spending time with me and parenting me was very important to him.

I'm feeling a lot more thankful for my stepmum after reading this thread! She never would have dreamed of making him choose time with her or me. She does get him all to herself for 4 days out of 7, that's a lot of time.

If a divorced man with children wants to start a new relationship, then he has to invest time in this, and 'make room' for his new partner. This means that everyone does get a slightly smaller share of his time, but isn't that what blended families are about?