Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

It's likely their mum misses never being able to do fun days out at the weekend anyway, could he maybe ask her if she wants the occasional Saturday in exchange for a school night?

is it the kids you hate or their behaviour and dp's reluctance to correct it because I think there is a big difference.

I have struggled with dsc's behaviour and it was very hard to make dp see how they were without his rose tinted glasses. however once he could see that it wasn't the kids I disliked but their crappy behaviour he was much more accommodating to taking them to task.

someone else has already asked my question but how did it work in the beginning? surely you both must have made an effort on week nights to go out.

I think you need to discuss it from a point of "we have stopped making time for us as a couple" rather than "I hate that your kids take up all your free time". maybe suggest a date night once a month - could you get a family member or friend to babysit the dsc's so their routine isn't changed but you get your night out or can you start making an effort in the week to do more than watch soaps and go to bed - maybe go to see a film or a nice restaurant on a Monday evening. hopefully once you start to feel more of a priority during the week you might start to see the issues with the kids in a different way

I think you've had lots of good advice here - I particularly like thinking back to what he or you as a couple were in the early days: where did his priorities lie then?

Do not get married unless you are happy with the whole situation, kids, warts an'all - marriage will not improve a single thing, but will be even harder to get out of if that is what you decide to do.

I don't think anyone should be asked to live with the resentment you have and you are clearly unhappy about the situation. I have no idea whether your DP is a good father or not and how awful the children are or not, you will be a far better judge of that.

This will take a lot of effort to rectify and will be impossible if YOU are the only person putting the effort in - if he sees no reason to change anything then there is nothing you can do other than leave.

I think it must be difficult. Though I don't understand how you even managed to build an otherwise 'perfect' relationship like this in the first place. I know what it's like to not be a children person and struggle with having DSC around. But we only have DSS EOW. Honestly I am not sure how our relationship could have developed if we only had weekday-after-work evenings to do anything together. I don't think I'd have got involved, to be honest.

Has it really always been like this? Is it court ordered or private arrangement? Do the DSC not go off to friends' houses/parties/sleepovers at the weekends ever?

Ditto what Riverboat just said.

Most parents have their children seven nights and seven days a week. Your partner/boyfriend has his DC for 3 days and nights. What do you expect him to do? Kick them out? Tell them they can no longer spend time in their home because you don't like them?

You hate his children and yet you plan to marry him? What are you thinking of? You've had five years to realise what a disaster this is going to be and you're still forging ahead with the plan?

What would you do if, god forbid, the children's mother became seriously ill or died and the children moved in full time? That's always the question a person should ask themselves before getting into a relationship with someone with kids. If the answer is anything but an immediate "they'd come and live with us full time of course" then you need to leave and find someone who has no offspring.

This will not end well.

His children will come first and should come first. Accept it or FFS don't marry him. You'll end up with a very expensive divorce case within a couple of years if you do.

Nobody should come "first" in a relationship
Out of kids or girlfriend, then yes, kids should definitely come first.

Kids NEED him
He NEEDS his kids
Girlfriend WANTS him
He WANTS his girlfriend

The kids will always win.

For most relationships, this is resolved by everyone wanting to spend time together and generally being happy enough together, but when kids and girlfriend hate each other, there is no resolution.

I don't think there is any value in trying to work out who started it or why it started, because it's all to do with hurt feelings. You might be able to work out some date nights or time away from the kids, but they will always be there and that will always have a huge impact on your relationship.

Why on earth are you marrying someone when the relationship is such a fuckup?

Would it be so wrong to have a fortnightly date night?

I understand where you're coming from OP.

I love my SDD and have always had a really good relationship with her but in the early days it was really difficult. Weekends in particular.

We had her every weekend and while she was no trouble, I did feel as though I never had any quality time with DH. We couldn't go away for a weekend together without asking permission from his ex who was free to do as she pleased every weekend.

I don't think comparisons with families with full time children are fair. Like it or not, you don't always feel the same way about your step children as you do about own. It doesn't make you a bad person, it's just biology.

What you need to address is why your partner lets his children be rude to you and the fact that you don't like them. They are here and you all deserve to live in harmony. Try to be friends at least or this relationship probably has no future.

I don't think you hate the kids, I think you hate not having any quality time and feeling equal and valued by your dp.

The kids haven't been shown any different and as a result behave the way they do. How are they with you?

Don't sell your place OP whatever you do. Getting married sounds like a bonkers idea too, but I'm guessing you'll do it anyway if you've held on this long.

It's hard to understand why either of you stay in the relationship TBH.

"Nobody should come "first" in a relationship.
Out of kids or girlfriend, then yes, kids should definitely come first."

It's not a competition and his DCs are not little children - They're 13 and 15! Surely at that age they can understand that the OP and her DP would like the occasional weekend together without them and not feel unwanted or unloved?

The problem lies with your DP OP. It's lovely that he wants to spend lots of time with his DCs but your feelings should be considered too. If he doesn't ever want to spend the occasional weekend with you then you've got a big problem. As I said, they're not small children who might feel left out. They're old enough to understand Dad wanting to do things some weekends without them.

Would it be so wrong to have a fortnightly date night?

Nothing would be so wrong with that.
But it would be wrong (and somewhat delusional) to believe that it would actually make any difference.

Aimless, the fact that the children are not "little", doesn't mean they need their dad any less. It is such an important time for kids and they need to feel valued. Kids suffer real emotional damage, often having a huge impact on their schooling, when they feel rejected. It's going to be really difficult for these kids to accept that this woman is taking their Dad away from them by getting married. Reducing contact time could seriously affect them.

I'm not suggesting they need him less but they're old enough to understand that Dad can have a weekend without them every now and again without them feeling rejected. Old enough for him to sit down with them and be open with them about his relationship.

If the OP was their Mum rather than a StepMum no one would think it odd that the OP wanted to spend a weekend with the DP without the children. Lots of parents go on holiday without their children or have evenings out and nights away. What's wrong with the OP wanting that?

OPs DP is refusing to compromise. Everyone's world will not come tumbling down if he and the OP spend the odd weekend together without the DCs. I also can't understand why their Mum doesn't want weekends with them. Just seems very odd that everyone is so unbending about weekends and the OPs needs are being completely ignored.

I don't know why the OP has hung around for so long really.

It wouldn't necessarily be about reducing contact time though, but not having everything revolve around the kids while they are there, which is what happens every fri-sun, from what the OP says.

We have DSS every second fri-mon, and he is not glued to DP's side within the whole of that time. He'd love it if DP (and/or I) spent every waking hour playing games with him and doing what he wants to do, and we do do a lot of that, but he knows he also has to entertain himself sometimes while we get on with boring jobs, or have discussions, or have friends over to dinner or whatever.

But it's true that making a change like this now would require sensitive handling from their dad, and if he hasn't been motivated so far to encourage them to do their own thing more, I doubt he is going to change now.

TBH if I was OP I would also want to have some flexibility of the odd weekend (or at least weekend day) without the kids, to visit her family/friends, or go away somewhere or do things that interest them as a couple but are boring to kids. Is this just totally off the table OP? Is it that DP doesn't ever want a single weekend day without the kids, or that their mum or GPs would refuse to ever have them, or both?

Excellent posts, Aimless. I've never understood why people think step children need to have such intense relationships with a NRP.

Riverboat, totally agree that a little flexibility would do no harm, especially as we're talking about teenagers.

But OP says she 'hates' all children and 'can't stand' her DSC, so twiddling about with the contact schedule isn't really getting to the root of it, even if her DP is amenable.

I don't think the OP hates the step children, but she hates the situation she's found herself in. And that's a bit different.

I would imagine she is not a children person generallygenerally rather than a child-hater, and has been driven to feel she 'can't stand' the children partly by the situation rather than the children themselves.

But yeah, I do tend to agree things are probably way too far gone to be brought back around now anyway.

Well the pair of you can put words in her mouth if you like, but she said in her OP;

I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids

Which is pretty unambiguous.

Maybe Dad actually prefers being with his kids and doesn't want a fortnightly date with the woman that "hates" his children? He must surely be able to pick up on her animosity.

I think if you consider yourself not to be a child person (mild end of what OP has said) then you would be kidding yourself to think moving into a house where children live could be anything other than hellish. Quite honestly it is nuts to do that. Regardless of your relationship with their parent, living with children is NOT FOR YOU and isnt something you should do. Unfortunately OP ignored this common sense for whatever reason and is now living with people she has never liked and the predictable has happened- she dislikes them even more. But this is not a permanent situation and can be reversed. Funnily enough not by marriage.

I was trying to say that her feelings towards the kids have probably developed that way at least partly because of the intense, difficult situation, rather than her just randomly hating them because they are children. I say this because I am someone who has identified as 'not liking children' but it hasn't stopped me developing a good relationship with DSS.

Obviously though YMMV, that's fine.