Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

Pagwatch, you have it to a tee!

Petal you have hit the nail on the head, yes a divorced man or woman investing in a new relationship DOES have to make room for a new partner.

In theory this should work but in practice maybe not.

I've known a single dad with sole custody of 3 DDs under 10 be single for ages then he met his SO - his ex-SO is very flaky, drug/alcohol problems so sees her DDs as and when and is flaky...

I don't know how his current SO coped but this man's DM and Dsis etc helped out with childcare/holidays etc. Now this man and his SO have just had a baby together and are very happy but I think his SO has either been very patient or has just accepted the situation for what it is.

OP I don't think what you are asking is that unreasonable. Do the DC's really spend all of every weekend with their Dad? I am surprised at 13 and 15 that they don't want to go out with their own friends at least some of the time. I don't think it is necessary that they don't come every weekend, they are surely old enough to stay home at their Dads for a few hours the odd evening while you and your DP go out.

I find it hard to believe all the people on the thread saying that having to spend all your weekend time with the DC's is what parenting is normally like. I am sure most parents of teenagers manage the odd night out without them.

I don't know what the answer is for you. I would certainly put wedding plans on hold though, until this is resolved or I can't see it working out for any of you.

My father wasn't as committed as the OP's. And I broke all contact with him in my 30s when I had my own child, because I didn't want them exposed to people capable of treating kids that way.

That's exactly my story too.

She gets 4 days out of 7, how much more time should the children be expected to give up Petal?

I think if you've got the point of hating your partners children, you will never have a truly successful relationship unless the father decides to mainly opt out of being a dad and personally I couldn't be with a man who did that but I also would never be with a man who hated my children.

The OP gets 4 days out of 7 – how much more time should the children be expected to give up?

I know people keep pointing out that the OP gets 4 childfree days out of every 7 – but she never gets any weekend time, and that’s the issue here. I think people are being deliberately obtuse as surely everyone knows that the weekends are when you get to spend quality time with your partner.

I’m guessing the OP’s DP wants his access to fall over a weekend, as he views these as the most ‘productive’ days, which is in itself an acknowledgement that week nights are generally NOT quality time!

DH and I don’t do very much together Monday-Thursday, simply because by the time we’ve got home from work and had a meal, there’s generally not much evening left.

I still think (even though I don’t know if it’s possible) that an EOW arrangement with a few weeknights’ access on the week in-between, would be a better plan.

Petal,

I'd agree with your point of "she never gets any weekend time" if the OP was expected to check into a BnB every weekend so her DP could play house with his kids. Only she DOES get weekend time, it's just that he's a dad, so his weekend time includes his children. That does not automatically exclude her.

That is the point people are trying to make.

Put it this way - I'm a parent. If I, for whatever reason, had to only see my DC for 3 days a week from now on, you can guess which days I'd pick.

Maybe the kids mother works on weekends and can't have them then? Maybe she's not able to provide them with appropriate care at weekends? We're not getting the whole story.

What we do know, is the OP resents the kids. She wants her DP to make an effort and put in quality time with her, without the kids.

Unless there is more to the story (do the DC have special needs, do they not WANT to spend time with their DM... Maybe the Dad is the only adult who actually wants them around? Do the really never go out with their friends or have hobbies on weekends?) it really seems like there is no way tobresolve this so everyone is happy.

Also, those of you who like counting days... Let's say this situation stays as it is for the next 5 years. 52 weeks a year, 3 days a week. OP misses out on 780 weekend days in total, over the next 5 years.

I think it's safe to say the kids won't be around all day, every weekend for much longer?

How old do we think the DP is? 40? By the time he's 45, they're "even". She'll have had as many weekends all to herself as the DC did, if she chooses to suck it up.

And then... She'll have maybe 30 more years? I genuinely don't get it. The DC are only children once. Unless he's planning on spending every single weekend for the rest of his life with the DC, why is this such a problem?

The only sympathy I have, is trying to imagine spending every single weekend with someone I don't like very much... Let's say, DH suddenly decided that DMiL will spend weekends with us for the next 5 years? I'd wonder what has gotten into him, maybe send him to chat with someone, but if he wasn't prepared to compromise, I'd probably move out every weekend for the next 5 years. (I'd insist on taking our DC with me at least every other weekend, but all those other times.... Oooh, I'd enjoy the peace!)

Poor children ?? the situation is most certainly not their fault. The ds is clingy to her dad? Well that's normal.

What kind of relationship do you have with your own parents natalie?

He’s a Dad; his weekend time includes his children. This does not automatically exclude the OP

Ordinarily I would agree with this. But those of us who are step parents, know that access weekends can be pretty strained. Understandably, the father wants to fit a whole week (or fortnight’s) parenting into 2/3 days, but this can result in an intensely child-focussed few days, during which time the OP is probably only really needed for domestic duties.

I often used to feel invisible on access weekends (which were, thankfully, only EOW) – even when DSS got to 17/18, he still used to arrive expecting 72 hrs of 1-2-1 Daddy Time; and DH was generally so mesmerised by DSS’s presence that he wouldn’t have noticed whether I was around or not.

So if the OP has got two children arriving every weekend, then I think it’s highly like that she’s pretty much excluded.

None of which actually mattèrs though does it?

People can argue the toss about the quantity and quality of time the op and her DP get together but that's not the point. It could be that she feels excluded because her DP plays sport or works unsociable hours.
The point is she isn't satisfied and they have no ability - zero- to discuss it and work something out.

that is the problem.

I can't argue with that, Pagwatch.

she DOES get weekend time, it's just that he's a dad, so his weekend time includes his children. That does not automatically exclude her.

That is the point people are trying to make.

Exactly that. ^

But why has the OP accept this situation for five years and is now planning to marry this man? That just does not see logical.

We can all say 'the dad ought to do this/that/whatever' but the fact is that he chooses to spend his weekend time with his children (quite rightly IMO), the OP has to decide whether she is going to accept this situation or not. I don't see she has any other choice, presumably she has tried to discuss it with her DP over the years but he is happy with the status quo.

Remember the expression 'you can't change anyone else's behaviour, only your own reaction to it'.

I grew up with a step-father and am so grateful that he treated me 'as his own DD' and never, ever made me feel second best (& I hope I repay his kindness now that he is in his late 80s ).

Natalie I think the kids are a red herring and it's how your partner is treating you that's the problem.

It could just as easily be 'I hate my DP's friends' or 'I hate my DP's obsession with work/laptop/football'.

He's not romancing you.

Petal/Pagwatch have hit it pretty much.

I'll offer some SP empathy in having felt alienated from DP when the DSC arrive.

The only thing I can advise is for you to make it clear to your DP this is how you feel. Much as DP may want to believe you have a happy blended family you need to explain this isn't true and it's hurting your relationship with both him and the children.

Kids behaviour is not part of this conversation, the bit about being 'bosses of the house' probably needs to get hit on the head though. Its your house, you make the rules, you are the adults.

So, how do you actually change things? Well, you have to get DP to commit to doing something differently, even if he doesn't believe there's an issue he should not be allowed to retain the status quo, and you need to be very strong in saying that.

Kids are 13 & 15 yes? Easily old enough to be left at home for a while so the two of you can pop out for some quality time. Go for a walk, make the most of it.

If they say they want to come with you, go again later with them as well.

I can't tick off my bingo card until someone asks the OP if she was the OW

Can someone oblige?

Just what I was thinking Stercus - and where is the OP?

I can't get over the fact that she actually titles the thread Hate my partner's kids - yet she has been with him/them for five years. .

No I definatly wasn't the OW it was years after when I met him

I hope he gets that spending time with his kids means doing all the chores that come with that though, rather than leaving all to the OP. So he should be cooking, cleaning, doing their laundry, doing the shopping, ferrying them to school on Monday or back to their mum's on Sunday night. He can't just do all the fun stuff and use the OP as his skivvy every weekend.

Not one indication from OP that ge doesnt do all that.

Projecting?

OP - can you please tell us why you have accepted this situation for five years and why you are planning to marry this man when nothing has changed about the situation?

Projecting?

Just a bit.