Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

I think if you consider yourself not to be a child person (mild end of what OP has said) then you would be kidding yourself to think moving into a house where children live could be anything other than hellish

Exactly Cats

river I don't know what YMMV means.

Yours is a rather hopeful interpretation I think and not what she has said so far.

If he tells his kids that he would like to have a bit of private time with his wife to be and this means that one weekend a month, he just wants them to come over on Sunday, they will hear, 'I love this new woman more than you, I want to spend more time with her, we are going to get married and probably going to have children of our own so you won't really feature any more, but that's ok because you'll be all grown up by then'

It wouldn't be the case for all kids, but when the existing relationship is so dreadful, there is no happy ending here.

Can you imagine the wedding? Are his children invited? How thrilled are they going to be to take part? What a fun day that's going to be!

What's odd is that the OP sounds quite clear-sighted but has gone ahead and got involved anyway.

And river you are fond of your DSS. Five years in and OP dislikes DC in general AND these specific DSC. How much longer to give it? She doesn't sound as though she's softening.

YMMV - your mileage may vary.

Of course I am partly identifying with one aspect of what the OP has said, it is possible I am over a identifying, I don't know.

Essentially I don't think I am being hopeful because as I have already said, I dont think this situation seems very salvegable! I'm just not putting 100% of the blame for that on the OPs shoulders for getting into said situation in the first place, though as I said originally I do wonder how she managed to develop this otherwise perfect' relationship given all the circumstances ...

Mad to get married and sell her place anyway.

River The OP made it very clear that she doesn't like children.
Not that she doesn't like most children, or some, or even just these particularly horrible ones, but children in general, just like I don't like dogs. Occasionally I can tolerate one, but I would never have one in my house.

I think Shirley made an excellent point. What happens if these children end up coming to live with their dad full time? If something happens to mum, then he will take them in (would you expect him not to?). How would you cope with that?

I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired….I just want to spend some [weekend] time alone with him.

Yeah, well that pretty much sums up being a parent. And you knew he was a parent when you met him.

If you'd fallen for a guy in a wheelchair would you be complaining after five years because he couldn't walk?

Being a parent is a massive part of who he is. You can't treat it as some sort of bolt-on optional extra that he could choose to take or leave, like smoking, or sky-diving or being vegetarian. He is not choosing them over you, there is no choice to be made. They are part of who he is. If you weren't prepared for the package you should never have let it get this far.

There was a thread about the phrase 'I don't like children' on AIBU a couple of months ago. People used and interpreted this phrase in different ways. There were parents who posted who said they used this phrase to mean they werent generally interested in children in a 'oh they're so cute' way, but had still had children of their own!

I can only think that OP had some hope of developing a workable relationship with these children, otherwise why get involved? But the opposite has happened, and driven her even further along the 'I hate children' spectrum.

But again, this is just my guess and I am not saying it is necessarily right. And I don't think it matters that much anyway.

If she genuinely has a dislike of being around all children then she was very stupid and misguided to get into a relationship with a man who is very committed to his kids.

I'm not entirely sure what she expects us to say beyond that really, or what possible solution there could be to this. Unless of course she offers to have them live with her and their dad full time and go to their mother's every weekend instead.

I am going to hazard a guess that she is much younger than her partner as well.

OPs situation aside I'm really baffled as to why they never spend a weekend with Mum?

Surely there are things that they want to do with Mum at the weekend or Mum wants to do with them that you can't do during the week with school aged children?

OP - What's going on with Mum? Does she work? Does she have a DP she wants to spend child free weekends with? Is this why your DP is so rigid about the DCs spending every weekend with you?

What do the DCs want? Has anyone asked them or are they just packed off to Dad every weekend?

I have a 21 year old, an 18 year old, an 8 year old and a step child of 15 so have been through the teenage years in a blended family and all routine goes out the window once they get to secondary school and are more independent.

My two older DCs used to spend holidays and every other Christmas with their Dad but as they got older they wanted to see friends or go to parties or concerts and we all had to compromise at times. DSC has been the same too - sometimes the arrangements are changed so he can see friends or go somewhere with his Mum and her DP or her family and that's fine. We all work together to try make sure DCs see us all but also get to do normal teenage things independently of us too.

If you are still around OP then I would suggest that you also find something rewarding to do for some weekends without your partner. Treat yourself well. You have your dp with you all week, and yes, you are tired after work but that is finite. In the meantime, life is ticking by. Book a spa treatment for yourself for the weekend, go walking/hang-gliding/take up painting with single girlfriends, if you have any, or join club which welcome single folk and take up new activities. Your step children and your dp will then see a different side to you. You will start to look glamorous/adventurous/happy. You will arrive back sometime on Sunday with exciting tales to tell of what you have done, and things you have seen.

It is really really difficult to have a partner with children you don't get on with, but things will be very different in four or five years time. If he is perfect, or even pretty great, he still will be then and you will have lots of weekends for the rest of your lives to enjoy together. In the meantime, don't mark time. Give them a bit of space together, get fit, have adventures, get drunk, laugh, whatever.

Hi OP,

Thank you for being so honest. It all sounds very familiar, I grew up as the kid, you see.

Don't worry, his kids will know you don't like them. I'm sure they don't turn up to spite you, they're just there to spend some time with their dad.

I know it's annoying, with the daughter glued to his side, she probably IS jealous - you get to spend 7 days a week with him, she doesn't. She didn't ask for this, and she's probably hurting more than you'll ever know.

You do realise the DC will be grown and out of the way in just a few years, and you'll have all those precious evenings to do whatever you want? Just keep counting down the weeks/months/years... it'll happen.

There really is hope, you know. My DStepMum really upped her game as the years went by... I moved abroad, but even just occasional phonecalls would annoy her. DDad used to call me when she was out, whether to talk undisturbed, not annoy her, or to hide the fact that we kept in touch... Still, she complained about the phonebills enough, he stopped that too.

Anyway, fastforward a few years. I moved back to the same country, but a few hours away. We see each other a couple of times a year, over a weekend. Call perhaps once every 2-3 months. I seem to have been written out of the will, so once he's gone I won't have any claim to the family holiday home.

Just give it time OP. He'll be all yours before you know it.

I can't help but wonder if he'll be a bit heartbroken, deep down - or just relieved to finally have some peace and quiet. Maybe you won't be able to stop yourself from wondering the same?

I hope your DStepKids have someone in their lives who loves them, who's happy to see them, who wants to spend time with them. Maybe, if you haven't broken them totally, they'll have families of their own one day.

Be warned - they might try to rekindle the relationship with their Dad if they have children. Keep up your good work though, make them feel as unwelcome as ever, throw a strop if he makes too much of a fuss over the grandkids... Soon enough, they'll choose to not put their own DC in a position where they feel unwanted. You know, because they know how it feels, and seeing their own DC confused or sad will put a stop to it.

You'll get there, if you keep at it hard enough. Seriously, I'm living proof. DStepmum "won" - she got what she wanted.

Maybe he resents her a bit, deep down, for alienating me. Maybe he's just happy I don't hang around and pine like I used to.

Maybe, if you really love him, you'll worry about ghe resentment and regret creeping into his heart?

My DStepmum is one of the most miserable people I know, even without me in her life. Me? Yeah, as you can tell... A bit bitter, sure... I definitely have issues, mainly due to my childhood...

But on the whole, I'm quite happy with my life. That seems to annoy her more than anything, so it keeps me motivated in my personal "pursuit of happiness".

HTH,

OK let me get this straight

1-you 'hate' children in general
2-your fiancé has children whom you 'hate'
3-said children are rude to you
4-said children take up 'too much' of your partner's time

Your partner has basically told you he is not interested in altering #s 3, and 4. You are not interested in altering #s 1 and 2.

Yet BOTH of you are still contemplating marriage? I'm gobsmacked! If I was him I'd run from you and if I was you I'd run from him.

If I were the children, I'd probably run from both of you!

Hi thanks for your replies as I expected I have been 'attacked' by the majority if u who have obviously not been in my position thanks to the minority who have been able to see my side of the story
I've had a word with my fiancé I've told him I feel every so often he should free up a day on the weekend for me and I told him how much it's hurting me and he's agreed it would be a good idea to spend some quality time together and had said he will tell the children they care staying at home every now and again just ONE day on the weekend not every week but OCASIONALLY before u attack him aswell lol and we will have some alone time
I think this will be good for me and the stepchildrens relationship as I won't have as much resentment towards then if we are able to 'share' my husband to be

as I won't have as much resentment towards then if we are able to 'share' my husband to be

You are kidding yourself. You are basically setting up a situation where your resentment of the DCs is based on how much time they spend with their father. You have literally said just that. In other words you having no resentment is dependant on them not being there. This is not going to make you happy OP because that will not happen. You need to make the conscious decision to just stop resenting them. They can help existing, nor can they help being his children. You have to accept this. The resentment for them being there has to stop if you intend to be happy in this relationship.

And yes your guess what correct there's is a 14 year age gap between me and my fiancé so i am a lot younger

Natalie in the 5 years you've been together , you surely must have been invited to parties/nights out/weddings/christenings etc .

Do you go ?

Olaf yes I do go to parties events etc with him

So where are his DCs when you go ?

They come with us and we go home early

I can actually see both sides of the coin, but I don't see a resolution that would keep all parties happy or at least less happy.

Of course the children have the first 'claim' on their father.
It would appear that he is not 'managing' all the interested parties terribly well.
You don't want to keep going as is (I do understand that).

Otoh, many families without couples with children but no other family/other support never go out or have weekends away until the children are old enough to be left alone. I know, I've been there (still am). Yes, they are biologically my children, but if you are considering marriage with this man then his children are part of the deal whether you 'like' children or not.

I am not sure that this will end with peace and love all round. Nought to do with 'attacking' you, but there seems little goodwill to be going round.

Oh crap, I should really proof read - apologies.
Should say:

"Otoh many couples with children but no other family/other support...

They come with us and we go home early

This is what we do.
Or we don't go.
Or only one of us goes.

DS1 is 11, so we'll have another few years of this ahead.

I have read the whole thread. I am sorry but ultimately I can't see how this will ever work.

If you don't like his children , they will know, If you think the odd day will make you like them it won't if you don't like them.

I wonder if you are always there with the kids? Do they get 1-1 time.

Ultimately if someone didn't like my child it would be over.

They may spend less time as they get older but Dad will/should put them first.

I do on the other hand find it a strange set up that mum never wants them on the weekend at all.

Love it.

You disagree with the OP in regards to her "hating" her SDC and she accuses you of attacking her.

Jog on love.