insecure DSD wants to sleep in our bed

[ivorylace9]

My DSD seems very insecure about her Dad's love for her. She seems to be constantly craving his love and affection which I totally understand but recently she's started creeping in to our bedroom at night and cuddling up to DH.

If she was 2 or 3 fair enough, but she's nearly 10! I just don't feel comfortable with it at all.

I mean what if I was dressed indecently? Or not dressed at all? What if me and DH were having a bit of fun when she walked in?

The problem is I don't want to upset her and neither does DH.

We have 19 month old twins and if one wakes up in the night we usually end up putting them in our bed as we don't want them waking the other kids up but I can see that to DSD that could seem like favouritism ie 'Dad loves them more than me'.

I feel so uncomfortable with it that I have got up and gone and got in to bed with DS (4).

DSD is really sensitive about anything I say or do, she gets upset really easily, so I know it needs to come from DH but he doesn't wake in the night and then doesn't say anything about it in the morning.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with it?

Would IBU for me to put a lock on the door?

I can cope with the obsessive touchy-feely behaviour during the day time but I really think she needs some boundaries when it comes to night time.

Any hoo I don't wish to discuss other threads with you as it will derail this one and is frowned upon by MNHQ don't ya know.

True.

But why is Wakey sockpuppeting THIS thread?

In the wise words of Scooby Doo "I don't know"

You totally read that in Scooby's voice didn't ya

Because NewSugarShop73 has NO posting history.

So it is not a NC that is in regular use.

So "thats my other username, I posted in genuine error" isn't true.

Can someone PM what's going on? (If they know)

You totally read that in Scooby's voice didn't ya

I did!!

Wakey You have broken Arse now. It's a Monday you need to be more gentle with her at the start of the week. She will go on a continuous loop now

Oh Christ now Perps gone too!

Well it answers the perennial question "Can Wakey not hear herself"?

Wakey my dear if you are going to sockpuppet you need to stop droning on like a turnip with a personality disorder. So recognisable.

Why the hell people just can't behave like straight-forward grown-ups on this bloody board, I do not understand

She is nine Years old, starting puberty or not she is just a little girl!

If you don't want her in your bed can you put a mattress on the floor in her room and your dh can ssleep there for a bit? She is obviously having a hard time.

How many nights a week is she at your house?

It's difficult because I wouldn't like DSS (9) wanting to share our bed at all. I might say it would make me uncomfortable. But he has never wanted to, probably in large part because BOTH his parents have consistently raised him to sleep in his own bed and it has never been acceptable for him to sleep with either/both of them. If that wasn't the case, I can imagine it would be a difficult situation, where the knowledge that it is a possibility is already there for whatever reason.

He does have frequent nightmares (though he rarely wakes up from them in a properly conscious way) and is so vulnerable at these times that I don't know what I'd do if he was used to the comfort of sharing a bed and wanted to get in ours. As a short term solution I would probably let him, and get out of my bed and into his.

I think basically you need to discuss it with your DP. OK, so he never wakes up, but what is his general opinion on DSD sharing your bed? Does he know it makes you uncomfortable? Does he know if she does this at her mum's?

I am not a parent so not experienced in these things, but I think if I were you I would be looking to find ways to make DSD feel more secure generally (which could take time) and have a strategy for getting her staying in her own bed. I remember from previous posters they have been in this situation with 12-13 year olds, and I would definitely think that would be something to try to avoid both for you AND the child. Could you, for example, wake your DP up and have him put her back to bed and sit with her quietly for a while there until she is soothed? Or would she get any comfort from you doing this?

Oh, and I don't think it would be that bad to get a lock on the door for use only when you have sex. Better for her to try a locked door and call out to you when she finds it locked and give you time to sort yourselves out, than for her to walk in on the act.

Good lord - I'm now wondering what it says about me as a SM when I was the one that insisted DH and I got a bed that would fit all of us for morning cuddles or late night upsets!!
Your DSD is feeling like a spare part who drifts between two families that she doesn't feel part of op. Do you have any idea how damaging that is? She is watching her father enjoy his shiny new family and trailing around after her mother. The family unit that she was born into no longer exists and she is now a nomadic child who craves her old security. Encourage your DH to spend as much time as he can alone with his DD. My DH and I have a list on our kitchen wall of "daddy time" activities - the DSC pick an activity each when they arrive after school on Fridays and then go off and swim/rollerskate/have breakfast on their own with daddy. It has almost entirely eliminated any attention seeking behaviours.
She needs to know that she is still special and not just an inconvenient reminder that your DH had a life before you met him. If you need to flounce off to another room when she climbs into bed with you then fine - but how about wearing pj's and rolling over to give her a cuddle when she joins you. Just imagine how you would like your dc to be treated if they found themselves with a stepmother.

Because NewSugarShop73 has NO posting history.

So it is not a NC that is in regular use.

So "thats my other username, I posted in genuine error" isn't true.

Actually, it is, I set it up earlier today to post in "new businesses" and have half drafted my query about my new business to post under that name - but hey, don't let me stop you speculating, pm'ing about me and creating some outlandish conspiracy theory to amuse and entertain you

MN users were recently described by a social commentator as "harpies" - it's good to see that reputation being upheld

Rather that than a big old fibber wakey

Evening all.

Just to clear things up - Wakey did ask us to withdraw what she had mistakenly posted under the new username within minutes of posting it.

We were just too busy getting the cork out of this bottle hunting trolls and being generally purposeful and loverly to sort it out for her in time.

Hope that clear things up. As you were harpies

did ask us to withdraw what she had mistakenly posted under the new username within minutes of posting it

And within minutes of attracting scepticism about her real ID?

Ah don't go Arse stay here, I'll pour the I have sweeties too! :)

Lemon sherbets?

I dont think its probable Wakey is lying. She has never seemed shy of going against the grain of pps and having people disagree with her under her own posting name before.

I'm not just talking about this thread.

The "recollection" still hasn't been explained;

My recollection is that we debated this at length a few months ago, and it was conceded that the "red mist" that some posters experience when they read the term "mini wife" does lead to unfair, and unpleasant hectoring of an unsuspecting user.