insecure DSD wants to sleep in our bed

[ivorylace9]

My DSD seems very insecure about her Dad's love for her. She seems to be constantly craving his love and affection which I totally understand but recently she's started creeping in to our bedroom at night and cuddling up to DH.

If she was 2 or 3 fair enough, but she's nearly 10! I just don't feel comfortable with it at all.

I mean what if I was dressed indecently? Or not dressed at all? What if me and DH were having a bit of fun when she walked in?

The problem is I don't want to upset her and neither does DH.

We have 19 month old twins and if one wakes up in the night we usually end up putting them in our bed as we don't want them waking the other kids up but I can see that to DSD that could seem like favouritism ie 'Dad loves them more than me'.

I feel so uncomfortable with it that I have got up and gone and got in to bed with DS (4).

DSD is really sensitive about anything I say or do, she gets upset really easily, so I know it needs to come from DH but he doesn't wake in the night and then doesn't say anything about it in the morning.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with it?

Would IBU for me to put a lock on the door?

I can cope with the obsessive touchy-feely behaviour during the day time but I really think she needs some boundaries when it comes to night time.

I have been thinking about this, as someone who would be uncomfortable with DSC sharing my bed. Have no children of my own though so cant comment on own children sharing.

The bed IS a place tied up with sex, and I guess that is a big part of the reason why its normal for couples to sleep in a double bed together and children to sleep in a single bed in a different room.

I don't think that feeling uncomfortable when a child starts to share your marital bed on a regular basis necessarily means you are jealous of that child or inappropriately see her on some level as a sexual threat. But the discomfort could be partly tied up with feelings to do with the privacy of sex, or jealousy that the child's presence is inhibiting part of your own romantic/sexual relationship with your DP. Maybe these feelings are exacerbated with a stepchild as opposed to your own child, as so many negative feelings are.

The whole physical discomfort of three to a bed in terms of space/wriggling etc is something different I think.

Spot on riverboat

My friends DD (who is 9) sleeps with her Mum every night. Her mum is a single parent and works quite long hours so her DD doesn't see as much of her as she would like. Her DD loves going on overnight school trips, sleep overs at her friends and this past holidays went on an adventure week (live in) not knowing a single person there, happily.

Yes DSD's mum did this too for a year. Then she got a new boyfriend, and DSD got 'pushed out' into her own room for this new man in mummy's life. And had a year of really serious problems with her behaviour as a result. She is totally confused, she doesn't understand why she can't get into the bed with the adults, why she should have a different sleeping time. She says she can't sleep on her own any more, she said that at brownie holiday there were other people in the room so that's why she was ok.

What happens if your friend gets another partner, or even another partner with other kids? Is she going to sleep with her until she is 18? At what point does she stop her? It is storing up future problems, and for what, the comfort of the adult which is not really fair. I feel for her but this is exactly what DSD's mum did and I have personally seen the intense pain of her being quite literally replaced in the intimate cuddly part of mum's sleeping, causing problems she never would have had. She also constantly was completely exhausted as her sleep is disturbed by the adult getting into bed, and again this caused behaviour issues where she was clearly trying any old reason to stay up until the adults went to bed, and clearly getting away with it at mums.

An exhausted emotionally confused child is not a fair outcome of an adult wanting some comfort from their child. There are good reasons that a child sleeps in their own bed and I having experienced the very sad backlash I would say they are good reasons.

robotroy

You clearly have issues with your DSD's mum and how she was with her DD. You are projecting this onto other people.

It is all about the child, my friend would be perfectly happy if her DD was to sleep in her own room.

My friends DD is perfectly able and willing to sleep on her own if/when it's required.

My friend & her DD generally go to bed at the same time, they are both happy with this arrangement. However, if my friend has only adults over in the evening DD goes up to bed on her own just fine. Sometimes choosing her Mum's bed, sometimes choosing her own. Absolutely no behavioural issues here - she's a complete delight.

She's full of beans and is certainly not suffering from lack of sleep. Nor would most children be disturbed by an adult getting into bed - most of them sleep like the dead.

So - she's not exhausted nor emotionally confused & she's not there as a comfort to her mother - you are completely projecting because you didn't like your DSD sleeping with her mum.

No future problems being stored up either - but thank you for your concern.

I wouldn't want my DSD in our bed at night. I also don't let my own toddler in. Each to their own on that one I think. I don't think adults are obliged to let children in their bed, particularly not stepchildren (it is different. I know those of you with children who have stepmums would hate to think that but it is).

OP, my DSD was very clingy when she was nine and I always worried that she had a lot of emotional problems. However things really changed over the next few years (10-12) and she became much less physical in suggesting she needed attention. When she was 9 she would literally wedge herself inbetween any two people having a conversation. She doesn't do that now, and tends to seem happy apart from if something is genuinely wrong when she cries and tells us, and wants a hug (much like an adult). There is light at the end of the tunnel. As her verbal skills increase her physical thing will mellow.

No Chilling, I've factually recounted an example of a child sleeping in a parents bed in this situation and the issues it causes. I don't see on any level at all how you have taken from that that I have some sort of issue with DSD's relationship with her mum. I think quite clearly that's actually you projecting. DSD loves her mum absolutely and unquestioningly which is exactly how it should be, and also why it was so very confusing to her to feel that the level of affection she felt she was being given varied (it actually wasn't of course, but this is how it felt being displaced from the bed for another person). The issue actually was a problem of her NOT feeling as close to her mum, so you actually have that completely reversed. Little kids shouldn't worry about if mum loves them any more or as much, that is 100% the crux of the problem OP actually seems to be dealing with.

I don't wish any parenting problems on anyone but you must see how it's already confusing for a child of a single parent to have a new partner come in, so I hope that doesn't happen with your friend's child or any kid tbh, but again I am detailing how this was very confusing for a 9 year old who is trying to understand the place of this new person mum loves, and what it means for them, and the added layer of complexity it gave DSD having been in her mums bed every night.

All this sleeping in mum's bed did was made things very hard for her mum to introduce this new man, it made DSD have behavioural problems and be very confused about why she was apparently displaced from mums affections, and why one 'friend' of mums slept in her bed and others didn't. This wasn't good for anyone, it caused her mum a lot of problems with DSD initially rejecting him that I don't think she would otherwise have had, setting him up to seem like an adversarial character when in fact he seems like a really good man. It confused her night time routine, again all of these are observations of factual fall-out. These are also all reasons just generally I would suggest why in our society we don't have kids sleeping in our beds generally, but put them to bed in their own quiet calm space in their own room, why so much parenting literature is devoted to getting kids to sleep well in their own beds.

These are all just basic parenting principles and I absolutely agree that what works for one family doesn't work for another every family is different. But I am giving a real example of the very damaging effects it can have letting a child sleep on a regular basis in the adults bed in this sort of situation, given that it is already fraught with confusion for a child. I give this example to point out that just feeling a bit uncomfortable or a wriggly kid waking you are not the only potential problems of allowing this, and given that as I say it can actually be the a symptom of an underlying problem, tackling that is much more productive, in our case DSD just needed to feel loved and heard on these emotionally confusing things or even say them out loud. Now she sleeps like a baby again in her own bed, just coming in if she has a bad dream for a cuddle, and in the morning for cuddles and pancakes or porridge.

The flip side if we need another is that from this experience it also shows that potentially letting DSD into dad's bed regularly may cause unseen problems for mum at the other side, so by doing this you can end up transferring a problem back onto mum which isn't very fair either 'well dad lets me'. No child should feel any question that their parents love for them is unending and unconditional, and that they are the fairy on the top of mum and dad's tree, so if a child is feeling even mildly unsure about this then it's absolutely key to tackle it in clear ways and words not to sticking plaster the symptoms.

It IS different for step parents, I agree with that. At first we took our relationship introduction very slowly in the eyes of DSD, for this reason. It's not fair on a child to have a person they hardly know in bed with their dad if they come in for a nightmare or their morning cuddle.

OP fwiw I think your situation overall sounds incredibly stressful. Do you really need to work so much? Does your DH work as much? Are you sure you can't afford a few days at nursery?