insecure DSD wants to sleep in our bed

[ivorylace9]

My DSD seems very insecure about her Dad's love for her. She seems to be constantly craving his love and affection which I totally understand but recently she's started creeping in to our bedroom at night and cuddling up to DH.

If she was 2 or 3 fair enough, but she's nearly 10! I just don't feel comfortable with it at all.

I mean what if I was dressed indecently? Or not dressed at all? What if me and DH were having a bit of fun when she walked in?

The problem is I don't want to upset her and neither does DH.

We have 19 month old twins and if one wakes up in the night we usually end up putting them in our bed as we don't want them waking the other kids up but I can see that to DSD that could seem like favouritism ie 'Dad loves them more than me'.

I feel so uncomfortable with it that I have got up and gone and got in to bed with DS (4).

DSD is really sensitive about anything I say or do, she gets upset really easily, so I know it needs to come from DH but he doesn't wake in the night and then doesn't say anything about it in the morning.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with it?

Would IBU for me to put a lock on the door?

I can cope with the obsessive touchy-feely behaviour during the day time but I really think she needs some boundaries when it comes to night time.

Arsenic How did you guess? They go so well with whine.

Hi Nicky

Though it's getting to brew time!

PV Lemon sherbets, sours, anything with a bitter edge. Go so much better with whine.

I presume the dregs and an intrim measure until you get the screw cap undone cork out?

why do my fingers type 'and' when I want 'are'??

You're inner audio typist is clearly pissed Latte. I'll have her glass and make her a nice ovaltine

arsenic - ye[hic]s. She's loving the ovaltine :)

They're all yours PV ... I'll have the champagne & cake over those any day

Going to put the 'inner audio typist' to bed now, she has to deal with an ikea delivery tomorrow... it might not be pretty!

Give her plenty of coke. Night

That's a great post Asteria and bang on.

Moving is stressful for everyone. Being in a family that is being blended is stressful. She's getting little time with her Dad in the day so is angling for it at night.

My dd is 11 and her response to all the changes to our family has been to ask me to tuck her in and turn her light off each night. She's been going to bed independently

Sorry ... at for a few years. They just need reassurance. I'm really not surprised

Grrr .... phone .... at your dsd's reaction given your circumstances. Don't make this a battle with her, you and your dp need to give her the reassurance she needs.

Gosh what have I created
Sorry I didn't mean to cause a big debate, I feel what I said has been misunderstood by most and what Wakey said totally explains what I meant.
I was describing her behaviour to give more of an insight in to how she behaves and feels and to back up the fact that she's emotionally damaged and confused about where she fits in to the family. I wasn't saying it in a critical way, just an observation of her behaviour.
I am not jealous of her. I love her, care for her and I'm trying my best to understand her so I can provide with what she needs to make her feel loved and secure.
However, I feel that her sharing our bed is not the answer.

Just to explain a little more about the back story of me - a few months ago I went to the GP in tears because I was just so totally and utterly exhausted, I didn't even know what she could do for me cos, well she can't give me a prescription for sleep can she? I look after two demanding babies during the day and then work in the evenings and at weekends. It's not ideal but we can't afford to pay for childcare for two babies so even though the hours kill me, it's what we need to do to pay the bills. At the time DS and the twins kept coming in to our bed in the night and that was affecting my sleep. GP told me I needed to stop the kids getting in our bed, I have stopped DS but still need to stop the babies - that's easier said than done. I'm still exhausted and feel like I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown most days.

This weekend DSC will come to our house after school on Friday, I will be at work and get home at around 11.30pm, I will then go out to work again on Saturday at 7am and get home at 9pm and then the same hours on Sunday. The lay-over between the Friday night and sat am shift isn't even legal but it's allowed because I am happy to do it (because it fits in with childcare).
So this weekend I just can't afford to lose a minute's sleep. By the end of this week I will have worked 42 hours ON TOP of looking after 19 month old twins all day every day and doing the school runs. That really isn't easy.
I'm already dreading next week cos I know I'll be a walking zombie all week cos I'll be so knackered.

I'm not saying this to make it sound like 'aww poor me' but I'm just explaining that it's not as straight forward as 'kids come first' because actually how tired I am has a direct affect on the other 3 kids I will be looking after next week. So if there's a child getting in our bed who I feel doesn't really need to be there then I think it's worth us trying to find a solution, in a way that doesn't upset her.

I spoke to DH last night and we are going to arrange time for all the kids to get some 121 time with Dad, but for example this weekend it is impossible for them to all get some 121 time as DH has all 5 by himself ALLLL weekend as I'm working.
He's going to let DSD stay up a bit later this weekend so she can have some time alone with him once the other kids have gone to bed. This already happens most weeks but he's going to make more of a point of it being 'Daddy and DSD time'.
The next time DSC come I will have some time at home so it will mean there will be opportunity for them to all have 121 time.

Asteria- ''Your DSD is feeling like a spare part who drifts between two families that she doesn't feel part of op. Do you have any idea how damaging that is?''
Yes, I know exactly what it feels like. As I said in my previous post I understand how she is feeling because I went through the same as a child.
I always felt like a spare part at my Dad's house, I didn't even have my own proper bed, I didn't have anywhere to keep things. I just turned up with a packed bag, slept on a sofa bed, I had to phone and ask whether I could go and stay there - sometimes I was told ''no'' because my sister was having a friend stay over. I never ever want my DSC to feel like a spare part or like they don't belong here and although it's hard when we have 5 kids and I work at weekends, we try our hardest to make each child feel loved, special, wanted and like they belong here.
But does that mean that we have to open up our marital bed to them all? I don't think it should.

And in answer to somebody's suggestion of a bigger bed - I would absolutely love a bigger, more comfortable bed. However, we have a tiny 'master' bedroom with fitted wardrobes which have been designed around a double bed so there's no room for a king size bed.

OP I've been pretty shocked by some of the harsh responses you've had over the last few days, been watching with interest!

I too am a stepmum, my SS is 6, and we have a good, affectionate relationship. Sometimes I put him to bed and lie with him til he falls asleep, sometimes DP does, if he wakes in the night I usually poke DP and send him in, but sometimes he wants me instead so I go in, we are lucky in that we don't have the 'coming into our bedroom' scenario.

We did have a phase where he asked to sleep in our bed as he was allowed to do so at his mums, and we just explained that in our house we don't all sleep together, and that DP or I would stay with him until he went to sleep, but he couldn't sleep in our bed.

What I am building up to, is that we do not have him in our bed, ever. Not because I think it's 'inappropriate', it may work for other stepmums, but I personally am uncomfortable with it as I do not have that parental bond with him that DP and his mum have - we have a bond but it is a very different one. I have no problem with DP spending the night in with him if he has nightmares (although it doesn't happen often), but I do not want him in my marital bed. In the same way I wouldn't want my nieces, or my friends kids sleeping in my bed - it's just too personal.

I don't know if I would feel differently if I had my 'own' DCs, who knows, but I just wanted to say that I totally understand why you don't want your DSD in your bed - and it sounds like this aside you have many practical reasons why it just doesn't work for you. So don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

Like the others say, I think your DH needs to focus on making her feel secure in her relationship with him and her place in the family in other ways, so that she doesn't feel the need to come into your bed at night. Others have given some really good suggestions, and it sounds like your DH is on board with it, so good luck!!

I have just been giving some thought about why I don't feel comfortable with DSD in our bed and I can say it's not that I feel uncomfortable with her cuddling up to Daddy, it's that I don't feel comfortable with a child who isn't mine sharing my bed.
I thought about who I would actually happily share a bed with and you know what? There really aren't many people, especially if I was sober. I think there's only really my husband and my own DSC who I feel totally comfortable with. I would also share a bed with my two best friends but I probably wouldn't feel totally relaxed.
I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a bed with my best friend's daughter who is the same age as DSD, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my Mum even though me and her are super close.
If we could afford a bigger house I'd love for me and DH to have separate bedrooms, not because I don't want to sleep with him but I LOVE sleeping on my own.
Maybe I have some weird deep-routed issue about sharing a bed, if there is one I can't think what it is.

Not weird, I'm the same. I can only really share a bed with DP, I don't want anyone else that close in my personal space thank you! Although that said I have in the past shared a bed with friends on holidays / weekends away, but then it's a hotel bed rather than MY bed, which for some reason makes a difference (in my head anyway!).

So you've explained the bed thing- although I am still a little puzzled why you didn't say that you hate sharing a bed from the beginning, rather than talking about her approaching puberty, or you "feeling uncomfortable" or "being dressed indecently".

You are still talking about an unhappy, insecure 9 year old who has to share her father with 4 other children who live with him when she doesn't as a "mini wife" and "flirting" and "obsessive touchy-feely behaviour".

There are a large string of people on here seemingly deliberately missing the point of OP's actual caring questions. To suggest that any kind of parent step or otherwise should allow a child to sleep in their marital bed on a constant basis for 'comfort' is frankly absurd. A child coming to your bed after a bad dream or a thunderstorm is normal child behaviour. We comfort DSD and put her back to bed. A child demanding to be in your bed every night has an underlying emotional issue that needs to be resolved to create a healthy well rounded child who is confident in her dads love. To turn that sensible conversation into 'you must be jealous of your DSD' of any implication of this or of being some kind of harridan denying a child love is weird, mean, and inappropriate.

Seriously OP there are some very unhelpful mean comments here and you've spent a lot of word count there trying to defend and explain more and I really don't think that should be necessary.

For my family, we bought a huge king sized bed, and every visit weekend we look forward with glee to DSD jumping into our bed in the morning as she has for the next 6 years. We're a bit like the Lennons sitting about in our big bed, we often have a nice breakfast there, talk about our plans for the day. But when our child starts using any excuse to try to get in there, every single night, at 9 years old, there's a bigger issue and you need to find it.

At any age you shouldn't be letting a child sleep in your bed regularly. It IS inappropriate, to create a child who can't go on school trips or sleepovers or to relatives without wailing for a parent, who is clingy and infantile in a way inappropriate for their age because they are used to sleeping in an adults bed. You comfort them, and put them back to bed. Crickey folks that's basic parenting. Imprinting weird concepts like a grown woman being jealous of the child she is trying to help are symptomatic of a few problems as well............

Honestly OP for us we can set our watched by their being a problem at home the moment we hear feet on the stair. Now she is older I challenged her on this fact and we replaced a lot of upset and mucking about with talking and happiness, I've never seen our child so happy. No child should feel that much need for assurance so if you can teach her healthy ways to talk and express her feelings, and as other posters suggest use positive enforcement about how much you all love her and how you are all a family and she's a big part of it you will do her a huge service in being a more confident adult.

What is inappropriate robot is mentioning 'miniwives'.

Spot on Perp.

I'm going to come clean and admit I have no concept or care what the heck that is, it didn't seem relevant to the point being made so I imagine I read over it.

At any age you shouldn't be letting a child sleep in your bed regularly. It IS inappropriate, to create a child who can't go on school trips or sleepovers or to relatives without wailing for a parent, who is clingy and infantile in a way inappropriate for their age because they are used to sleeping in an adults bed. You comfort them, and put them back to bed. Crickey folks that's basic parenting

My friends DD (who is 9) sleeps with her Mum every night. Her mum is a single parent and works quite long hours so her DD doesn't see as much of her as she would like. Her DD loves going on overnight school trips, sleep overs at her friends and this past holidays went on an adventure week (live in) not knowing a single person there, happily.

If she was 2 or 3 fair enough, but she's nearly 10! I just don't feel comfortable with it at all

I mean what if I was dressed indecently? Or not dressed at all? What if me and DH were having a bit of fun when she walked in?

I feel so uncomfortable with it that I have got up and gone and got in to bed with DS (4)

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with it?

Would IBU for me to put a lock on the door?

I can cope with the obsessive touchy-feely behaviour during the day time but I really think she needs some boundaries when it comes to night time

OP - all from your op. Your latest post is disingenuous.