insecure DSD wants to sleep in our bed

[ivorylace9]

My DSD seems very insecure about her Dad's love for her. She seems to be constantly craving his love and affection which I totally understand but recently she's started creeping in to our bedroom at night and cuddling up to DH.

If she was 2 or 3 fair enough, but she's nearly 10! I just don't feel comfortable with it at all.

I mean what if I was dressed indecently? Or not dressed at all? What if me and DH were having a bit of fun when she walked in?

The problem is I don't want to upset her and neither does DH.

We have 19 month old twins and if one wakes up in the night we usually end up putting them in our bed as we don't want them waking the other kids up but I can see that to DSD that could seem like favouritism ie 'Dad loves them more than me'.

I feel so uncomfortable with it that I have got up and gone and got in to bed with DS (4).

DSD is really sensitive about anything I say or do, she gets upset really easily, so I know it needs to come from DH but he doesn't wake in the night and then doesn't say anything about it in the morning.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with it?

Would IBU for me to put a lock on the door?

I can cope with the obsessive touchy-feely behaviour during the day time but I really think she needs some boundaries when it comes to night time.

I agree Hak

OP you are putting adult behaviors on to a child. Stop this is very damaging.

In regards to the bed thing if it makes you uncomfortable then don't do it. You as a family need to make her feel included and secure in some other way so that she won't seek comfort in the night.

The term "mini wife" is disliked on MN because it's absolutely disgusting and says an awful lot more about the person using it than the CHILD they are using it about.

My 8 year old bosses me about, tells me she loves me constantly, wants me to still pick her up sometimes in fact she just came up behind me and grabbed me for hug and kissed me about 20 times. She does this repeatedly throughout the day. She regularly asks to sleep in my bed my 11 year old ds does too. Sometimes she cries before she goes to school because she's going to miss me, but I guess that's ok because I am her Mum and not her Dad right? Have you any idea how awful it is to cast those aspersions on a father/daughter relationship?

I'm sick to the back teeth of reading that kind of crap on here. You're jealous of your step daughter and want to be number one female. News flash you never will be and never should be. Kids come first. If you have a problem with her it's because YOU are analysing their interactions with an adult spin. Stop it.

Ok, that's fair enough. But you were asking me to explain my response to the op, i would not like sharing a bed with a third person (dd or dsd). Like the op said, there's just not enough room and I think the meet to sleep with a parent all the time is not a solution.

You don't like sharing a bed with your children. That's fine, some people don't. But it is not inappropriate, or something you "would not feel comfortable with".

But it is to me, that's just how I feel. And I can see why the op feels the same. You can say that's wrong all you like but it doesn't change how I feel. Anyway, this isn't even an issue I have to deal with do not going to post anymore,

OP I think you are being unreasonable. Very unreasonable.

It doesn't matter how much body hair or whatever she has, she is still 9. Nine. She has had very, very unstable childhood and has just been through a period when she wasn't allowed to see her Dad and yes, god knows what her mother told her about that?!

Your DS gets a lot more of you than she gets of her Dad, so no, it's not a big deal he's not allowed in your bed but she is.

Put a lock on the door that you only use when you are shagging.
Wear PJ's
Buy a bigger bed if there's not a lot of room.
Swap into her bed if you don't like sharing.

But do not stop a 9 year old girl from seeking comfort from her Dad when she needs it. That is just nasty.

Oh and by the by, 9 year old girls do 'flirt' with men, they need safe men to do it with. It is how they build self confidence and learn good relationships from bad. It is not sexual.

Oh dear.

I would not share my bed with my dsd. Or my own dd. Why? Because they wriggle, they kick, they snore, and I don't get to sleep. If there is a problem, they get a cuddle, the landing light on, and back to bed. As many times as it takes.

You can still love and comfort a child, of any age, without them booting you out of the marital bed. And it is just that, a bed for husband and wife to share.

Well that is my opinion anyway. OP I sympathise, my dh sleeps through total chaos, and I do have to play bad guy and return children to their respective beds. I hope you find the issue and can make some progress.

"I would not share my bed with my dsd. Or my own dd. Why? Because they wriggle, they kick, they snore, and I don't get to sleep."

Absolutely. Bed sharing isn't for everyone. And those are good reasons for not. But "not feeling comfortable with" "not appropriate" "mini wife" and "flirting" are not good reasons. They are nasty,insinuating, creepy reasons.

"her DSD is behaving in a manner consistent with spousification, that is is consequence of the emotional damage she is experiencing?"

Well, if cuddling your dad and wanting to be close to him and reassure yourself of his love when you are competing with 4 other children who actually live with him is "spousification".......

Hi Brdgrl haven't seen you for a while.

Interesting 'first post' SugarShop

Or maybe she just misses her Dad and wants to be close to him?

"When you hear hoof beats think of horses not zebras".

Not brdgrl flossy or a "first post" arsernic - thats my other username, I posted in genuine error - have asked MNHQ to delete and I will repost my comment.

My recollection is that we debated this at length a few months ago, and it was conceded that the "red mist" that some posters experience when they read the term "mini wife" does lead to unfair, and unpleasant hectoring of an unsuspecting user. That has certainly been the case on this thread.

Ok, there was a very constructive discussion a few months ago about the term "mini wife" and how it accurately describes the symptoms of emotional abuse as witnessed by a stepmum. That doesn't mean the stepmum is accusing the child, or is jealous - it is a descriptive term that accurately reflects her observations. There is a lot of therapeutic evidence to support "spousification" - the symptoms of which in the DC are exactly as the OP describes.

Given that the OP has confirmed that the DC has a chaotic and disrupted life in both her homes, which may well be emotionally damaging for the DD, isn't it possible that in this particular case, the OPs observations are accurate - her DSD is behaving in a manner consistent with spousification, that is is consequence of the emotional damage she is experiencing?

Nonsense. She wasn't unsuspecting at all, she said herself she knew the term was (quite rightly) disliked on MN.

My recollection is that we debated this at length a few months ago, and it was conceded that the "red mist" that some posters experience when they read the term "mini wife" does lead to unfair, and unpleasant hectoring of an unsuspecting user.

Did you 'concede' that on other people's behalf then?

I don't remember this.

It was never "conceded" at all, that's nonsense too or plain old fashioned fibbing

The term "mini-wife" doesn't give me red mist.

I think most people object on principle, in fact.

I think she dreamt it Nicki

Good evening Wakey. I did think it was you but then I decided it couldn't be because why would you NC to post that comment especially a NC that has never been used before. So I assumed it was Brd as you two have very similar posting styles.

Any hoo I don't wish to discuss other threads with you as it will derail this one and is frowned upon by MNHQ don't ya know.

Nice to see you though Wakey.

My recollection is that we debated this at length a few months ago, and it was conceded that the "red mist" that some posters experience when they read the term "mini wife" does lead to unfair, and unpleasant hectoring of an unsuspecting user.

The more I read that paragraph the more flagrant dishonesty and sneakiness of it impresses me.

Nicki is right. It is completely made up.