insecure DSD wants to sleep in our bed

[ivorylace9]

My DSD seems very insecure about her Dad's love for her. She seems to be constantly craving his love and affection which I totally understand but recently she's started creeping in to our bedroom at night and cuddling up to DH.

If she was 2 or 3 fair enough, but she's nearly 10! I just don't feel comfortable with it at all.

I mean what if I was dressed indecently? Or not dressed at all? What if me and DH were having a bit of fun when she walked in?

The problem is I don't want to upset her and neither does DH.

We have 19 month old twins and if one wakes up in the night we usually end up putting them in our bed as we don't want them waking the other kids up but I can see that to DSD that could seem like favouritism ie 'Dad loves them more than me'.

I feel so uncomfortable with it that I have got up and gone and got in to bed with DS (4).

DSD is really sensitive about anything I say or do, she gets upset really easily, so I know it needs to come from DH but he doesn't wake in the night and then doesn't say anything about it in the morning.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with it?

Would IBU for me to put a lock on the door?

I can cope with the obsessive touchy-feely behaviour during the day time but I really think she needs some boundaries when it comes to night time.

putting a lock on the door would be a mistake IMO as it would really highlight the issue without any sensitivity, although I understand your feelings there. Personally I would chat to my OH in the day and explain that I felt my DSD needed to go to sleep in her own bed, and that he should take her back and settle her every time she wakes. If he didn't wake up himself, I would make damn sure I woke him up to implement that pre-agreed plan. In addition I'd probably facilitate him spending time with DSD during the day 121 so they could talk about her feelings. My DSD is 7, and I'd feel the same about this issue at her age. At 10, she needs to be heard but not indulged - there's lots of ways to help her feel secure and this clearly isn't a long term plan. Good luck! Is your DH open to talking about it in the waking hours? Is he usually quite proactive with his time with her?

it sounds like she is struggling to find her place in this new family with younger siblings.

I wouldn't put a lock on the door to be honest, it will make the situation far worse. instead if possible Tey and make sure that she gets 121 time with her dad every visit and try and play up the "Ohh it never feels like a proper family when you aren't here" type comments so that she feels included.

I found with dss, who is exactly like your dsd and a similar age, that putting up pics of him and his dad and just him really helped him feel more at home. he is a difficult kid a d as much as I love him I could bloody throttle him some days for limpeting himself to dp's side and refusing get to allow anyone including dsd anywhere near. it has caused a big rift between dp and dsd which I have had to try and heal. it did take lots of beating with a 2 by 4 talking to dp to get him to see what was happening and how damaging it was to dsd. since dss stopped seeing me as a threat he has been loads better. he has settles much quicker since we moved but pictures and reassurance really helps!

could your dh fit some 1:1 time in with her during the day? or maybe have a special hobby or activity that's just for them?

DSD is really sensitive about anything I say or do, she gets upset really easily, so I know it needs to come from DH but he doesn't wake in the night and then doesn't say anything about it in the morning.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with it?

Would IBU for me to put a lock on the door?

Have you tried asking him directly what he thinks should happen? Why doesn't he wake up?

Or you could just make sure that you're wearing pyjamas........

She's an insecure 9 year old. Her needs come first.

^ I don't agree that one persons needs override everybody else's. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that op, I agree with other posters saying you need to talk to DH, wake him and get him to return dsd to her bed.

" I wouldn't feel comfortable with that op,"

Why not?

When dsd was this age, she would occasionally come into our bed. I always made sure I had pjs on when she stayed over. I think if she is living with you full time then maybe it needs tackling but if it's only weekends then is it really such a big deal? It's unlikely that she'll still be doing it once hormones kick in and if it helps her to feel more secure then personally I'd let it go. Hope you get it resolved.

You sound like a really nice step mum and this sounds like a challenge. I'm not sure what the answer is but please don't out a lock on the door. I think dad will have to get up and take her back to her own bed while reassuring her and maybe some one to one dedicated time to help her with her insecurities. Hopefully things will settle down soon. Good luck

I agree that a lock isn't the way to go, dealing with her insecurity is. She's just expressing something she feels with her behaviour. It doesn't need grand gestures, more consistent reassurance and some one to one time with her Dad.

ivorylace - I think she is feeling left out.

This was happening with my DCs and the suggestion that they could come in to Dads bed after 0700 and have a cuddle and chat - solved the problem.

They do that with me at home. It is a time when some hugely insightful stuff gets said by them, we have a cuddle and then get up. Stopped the midnight trips v quickly. Fundamentally, they felt left out at Dads, her DCS shared a room, the new DC slept with parents and the two adults slept together, mine got one in the baby room -still in a cot at the time and the other put downstairs on the sofa - they were lonely and felt excluded.

Having said that it took me a long time to get EX to realise it was an issue that he had to solve.

I really don't think its appropriate for the 10yr dsd to be sleeping in your bed and fully understand you not liking it and tbh I don't think her mum would either. Her dad really does need to tell her that she does need to stay in her own bed and she is old enough at 10 to understand why the babies are sometimes in your bed. A lock is really not a good idea she will see it as a physical barrier. Do you do lots together as a blended family? is she allowed or wants to help with the babies? I think you need to be careful with the 121 with her dad, she it is important but it could also cause a them (you and the babies) and us scenario. You sound like a very caring stepmum and these are not easy :)

Because I wouldn't! I don't like feeling squashed

Thank you for all your replies.

In answer to some of the questions and comments - DH doesn't get a great deal of 121 time with DSD, there's also a DSS so the weekends when DSC are here there are 5 kids, I work at weekends (sometimes just one day but sometimes both days) so DH is left looking after 5 kids on his own, so it is very difficult to make time for 121 time, but not totally impossible.
In the past I have felt that there has been quite a big 'us and them' divide and so recently we have been making efforts to do more family activities on the days we are all together to help DSC feel like more of the family but I suppose by us spending more time all together it's probably meant they have had less 121 time with Dad.

We moved a few months ago and one of the main reasons for the move was so DSC had their own permanent beds, their own little space that they could settle in and make their own. Previously they had air beds and the sleeping arrangements would change every week, it was a nightmare and it couldn't have been very settling for them.
But they haven't settled as well as I expected them to, even though they love the new house DSD has said she gets scared in her bed. I've got no idea how she can be scared though, we've put up posters of her favourite boy bands, a duvet cover with her fave boy band on, some old favourite teddies on her bed etc in the hope these things will help her settle...but it doesn't seem to have worked.

DH never wakes up but tbh he never ever wakes with anything in the night, he's just such a heavy sleeper. He can sleep through babies SCREAMING, he would probably sleep through our house getting broken in to, when I have really needed him to wake up I've had to give him a little slap around the face lol.

I will speak to him this week before DSC come at weekend and ask him to speak to DSD. The problem he/I have is he has a tendency of saying he will do something or speak to someone and then not do it, so I often end up having to sort problems myself.
Gosh I'm making him sound like a total git aren't I? He really isn't, he is lovely but he's not the most pro-active of people.

I don't mind her getting in bed with us in the morning so I will suggest DH tells her she can't come in during the night but she can after 7am.
I didn't mention in the first post but one of the problems with her getting in our bed is the space. We've only got a double bed, there isn't room for 2 adults, 1 or 2 babies and a 9 year old. Even my DS isn't allowed in our bed at night because we just all have a terrible night's sleep because people end up nearly falling out of bed, fighting over the duvet etc. I don't think it's really fair for DSD to be allowed in our bed but not DS or DSS.

Plus I do really feel that she is too old, she has already started puberty (she's nearly 10), she's developing curves etc. I know that shouldn't make any difference but she isn't a toddler or even a little girl any more. Maybe I would feel differently if she was my own flesh and blood but I'd like to think that when my own DD is 9 she won't be getting in bed with mum and dad.

hackluyt it IS in the best interests of the child to stop her.

OP your only problems here aren't just the space and the random intrusions into your married life - and they are, you would not let your own kid do this, and in fact you don't. They are the confusing message it is imprinting into the child, and the way it will lead her totally confused about everyone's place in the family. She is seeking to be close by being literally taking your place in the bed sometimes, this is not a healthy thing for any child to learn. We have had to deal with the other side of the coin, DSD's mum lets her sleep in her bed sometimes, displacing her boyfriend. We have had to deal with a child who therefore doesn't understand why this isn't the norm for children to sleep with their parents, become very distressed and confused.

The only other times we have had this, exactly the same thing, 'my room is scary' nonsense, we have found out it is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. You need to find the issue, perhaps you have. For us it was due to unrest at home so she felt insecure with changing faces in her life there. We got through the night putting her back to bed, but then insisted on her talking about it in the day and telling us what is going on for her. For us we take turns on this but I have been in DSD's life a long time. For you it sounds like it might be better for your husband to do it. He needs to spend some times sometimes when he can talk to her alone and hear what she has to say even if it's not what he wants to hear, and he can assure her everything is ok. We too let DSD come in for cuddles in the morning but it is a house rule that we have enforced for the good of DSD who is our only child she does not sleep ever in our massive kingsize bed. They need especially at their age to understand the difference of different types of relationships and that dads love them unconditionally as their child no matter who is their loving partner, that their love isn't limited so loving other family members doesn't mean less love for them it actually just means more people to love them.

I agree with robotroy the 'scared of the room' bit is a way of expressing something else. My DS has started asking for food every night after bedtime crying he is hungry. I was really getting fed up and cross about it, but after talking to DP I went up last night and just sat with him, and said I could tell he was finding something really difficult, and I couldn't get him any more dinner but I could sit with him while he told me what the matter was while taking many deep breaths and not getting wound up turns out he was feeling excluded because DP and I have grown up time and he feels left out, so wanted to come down and be with us.

We've agreed he can have a later bedtime by half an hour and I'll spend that time 1-2-1 with him each night from now on. I know how hard it is with so many kids (we have 4 between us) but if you can find any space in the regular day where she has her dad just to herself and he can find out why she's feeling upset, it might help. I'll let you know if our 'special time' makes any difference to the sleeping issue here!

robotroy you have totally hit the nail on the head - she is getting the wrong message about relationships and her place (or any child's place) in a family.

She has had a pretty rough time in her short years and I understand why she needs some reassurance. She has moved home a million times, her mum goes from one relationship to the next, even moving school recently to move in with the latest guy. There has been disagreements with DH and their Mum, when DH won't do as she demands she has stopped contact for a few weeks - probably telling the kids he doesn't want to see them. I dread to think what rubbish she must tell them.

As much as I sympathise with what DSC have been through and are going through ( I went through some similar things as a child too), I really think one of the most important things we can do is give them boundaries, routine and stability. I think when the kids are older they'll probably look back and see that Dad's home was safe, secure and loving...but I think it will take time for them to fully realise that this home and this family unit is here to stay.

I know the term 'mini wife' is hated on MN but it does feel like that's how she acts sometimes. There are times when she regresses in to a toddler, there are times when she is a lovely normal 9 year old and then there are times when she tries to act like an adult, tries dictating what is happening, sometimes telling DH off for things in a wifey way and I really really hate to say it but sometimes I swear to god she flirts with him..I'm sure it's not intentional and it's not in a sexual way but there's definite behaviours which, if an adult did, you would call flirting.

I'm sure she was probably over joyed when I got out of bed and left her to have her Dad all to herself but I definitely think it has given her the completely wrong message about everyone's place in the family.

Ah. "Mini-wife" "flirting".......... Didn't take long, did it?

Hakluyt, none of your posts so far have come across in a positive, constructive way, you seem a bit goady to me.

What, my two previous posts asking a) why can't the OP put pyjamas on and b) asking why an insecure and unhappy 9 year old crawling into bed which her parent at night is "inappropriate"?

It's the emojis you use as well, they make the posts read in a different light

Hak's posts sound very practical and constructive to me.

Well, I feel when people talk about it not being appropriate, or not feeling comfortable with an unhappy insecure child seeking comfort.

Or talking about an unhappy insecure child "flirting" with her father.

I know the term 'mini wife' is hated on MN but it does feel like that's how she acts sometimes. There are times when she regresses in to a toddler, there are times when she is a lovely normal 9 year old and then there are times when she tries to act like an adult, tries dictating what is happening,

Sounds like pretty typical 9 year old behaviout TBH. It's a transitional age.

Silly thoughts about 'Mini-wife' etc will just poison the well.

Do you feel jealous? Because if you do, you need to address that separately, as your own internal issue.