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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

meeting my partners son but his ex has to be tgere

172 replies

chubbylover78 · 17/09/2014 17:29

After years of wanting to meet my partners son and his ex refusing we've finally set a date but his ex has to be there and it's at her house (it was my partners too before he left her) it makes me feel like I'm going for a interrogation and she will also more than likely have family or friends there too.
My partner thinks it's best for his son so he doesn't feel uncomfortable but it's only going to make it uncomfortable for all of us. She's still bitter that my partners moved on and im not a zoo animal to be stared at our a criminal to be questioned.
I want to go as I don't want to let my partner down but I don't think meeting his ex on her terms on her turf is the right thing.
Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:

Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 17:11

Also he he had bothered to go through the courts YEARS ago. This wouldn't even be happening.

WakeyCakey45 · 18/09/2014 17:16

robo I know your experience of court has been a positive outcome, but the picture you paint is only one possible court ordered resolution.

It's just as likely that the OP may find herself court ordered out of her DPsDS life as it is the court orders regular staying contact.

There is no consistency within the family court system - it is entirely subjective based on the opinions of the professionals and judges/magistrates involved.

Caterpillarmum · 18/09/2014 17:17

Never thought I'd take the exWs side but I agree with the posters who suggest your DP hasn't exactly been stellar in the parenting department. Whilst you say he pays child maintenance, you yourself don't work, don't receive benefits and home school your own child, so presumably your DP is completely supporting your household and enabling you to be a SAHM? That being the case he can only afford to go down and see his own son every few months- am I the only one who finds that disgraceful?!

From his ex's perspective I presume she knows this is your domestic set up? In her shoes I'd be so angry for my child. No wonder she's cautious about contact.

And before you say I'm bitter, I'm a second wife with a child with my DH. He pays regular maintenance and regularly sees his children from his first marriage. Any interference we would BOTH pay to go back to court to maintain contact and I'm not even that mad keen on my DSC! There is no way I could be with a man who was so cavalier in his attitude towards his own child.

KatieKaye · 18/09/2014 17:38

Another one who noted the support of OP and her DS financially has a huge negative impact on her partners ability to see his son.

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 18:30

He doesn't support me or my son! I have my own money and home and pay my own bills. How dare you say I'm a sponger because that's what your insinuating. I don't claim benefits because I don't believe in living off the state or anyone else. My DP had his own debts and bills he ran up seeing his son in the first place because of solicitors fees. My DP sees his son when he wants and when he can afford to.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 18/09/2014 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howlongtillbedtime · 18/09/2014 18:39

Can you please say how he managed to keep up a long distance relationship with you for two years but hasn't been able to do the same with his son ?

WakeyCakey45 · 18/09/2014 18:40

My DP sees his son when he wants and when he can afford to.

But that's very different from what you said a few posts ago, when you said it was about doing what is best for the DCs.

Returning to your OP, can I ask a question? Why do you want to meet your DPs son? You've made it clear that this meeting is beng driven by you, it's what you want - although you are unhappy with the conditions being placed on the meeting by your DPs ex.

But WHY do you want to meet him? Will he benefit in any way? He sees his dad infrequently - why introduce him to another adult, who will have a very limited role in his life?

KatieKaye · 18/09/2014 18:49

Sorry I thought that money was the issue and was stopping your OH from visiting his son. Can't you help him out then? Petrol for a trip every couple of weeks and he can stay with his mum? Once he's rebuilt a relationship with his son you could then be introduced

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 18:50

My partner wants me to meet his son and I have said I would. He could afford to see me long distance by using his credit card, the sane thing he used to see his son but now can't afford to use it anymore without paying some off. It's not up to me to judge his parenting skills. I came on here for some friendly advice and all is done is have total stabbed question me about my finances. Money is irrelevant here, the advice I wanted was about meeting my DPs son for the first time at his exs with her there. Too many people having opinions and judging me for the wrong reasons. My partner does what he can which is fine with his son and ex but not with everyone on here.

OP posts:

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 18:55

Robo-my DP drive to me on a Friday night one weekend and then after contact with his son saturday night, abs he didn't move to be with me because his contact dropped either he moved because of our relationship.

OP posts:

Howlongtillbedtime · 18/09/2014 18:57

Money seemed to be relevant when you said he could only go every couple of months because it was so expensive .
And I do think its a bit poor that he travelled that distance to see you but wont / cant do it for his son .
I do think its going to be a tricky meeting but I also think if contact had been kept as a more regular thing then you would have had more of an argument.

Caterpillarmum · 18/09/2014 19:02

I am going on what you yourself posted in your OP and make no apologies for that.

That makes even less sense then. If you are supporting the home yourself in entirety as you suggest and paying all the bills where are all his wages going? You see you'll probably argue this isn't relevant to your original question but it very much is central to understanding why the ex feels the way she does. He doesn't really have a financial excuse for not seeing his child then if he isn't supporting you. Either way it's not a morally justifiable position. If I were his ex I'd be very wary too.

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 19:03

Katiekaye- he did go and stop at his mums in the beginning and had his son there for the day but she stopped that too because she says their son can't travel on busses or trains (even though myDPs son told him he'd be on a train) and my DPs mum doesn't have a table for him to sit at to eat or child locks on the doors etc and she can't be sure I wouldn't be there.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 18/09/2014 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 19:06

Caterpillarmum- he's paying off debts from his relationship with his ex, child support, bills he has and fuel etc. It's not easy finding over £100 a month when you have a life to live too. I can give you a exact breakdown of you wish and his monthly earnings.

OP posts:

Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 19:10

So he is living rent and bill free and struggles to find £100 a month? What kind of life does he live then ?

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 19:11

Maybe83-I've never met him because my DPs ex can't accept he's moved on and like the majority of the women on here she's still bitter that she's not a part of his life anymore. People can have a successful relationship with their children without living near them or seeing them every week. My DPs son is quite happy seeing his dad and speaking to him when he does but my DP wants me to share that with him too

OP posts:

Itsfab · 18/09/2014 19:15

Why did him moving in with you mean he can't afford to see his child any more? He shouldn't be supporting you and your child at the expense of seeing his son. His son has a right to a father and it seems that he has put himself before his child.

How old is the child that needs a special table and chair and child locks on things?

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 19:15

Anotherchapter-i never said he lives rent free or doesn't pay bills. He pays towards joint bills as do I and pays off bebts with his ex.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 18/09/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 19:18

Itsfab- my DPs son is 8 so you tell me why he needs special things like a table and child locks, that's what my DPs ex wants not me. When he left me he left a job which paid alot more than the one he had now.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/09/2014 19:21

Turn up and be all sweetness and light. If she makes any digs, ignore. It is a few hours, they may not be comfortable or enjoyable hours, but it will be worth it for your DP and his son.

cavkc · 18/09/2014 19:21

Am I missing something here assuming he is 10 years old or so.

Erm why would grandma need child locks, he's not a toddler.

And the not being allowed on a bus or train .. Doesn't he go on school trips? He is going to grow up very sheltered and will be very naive compared to his friends.

After my DH had been seeing one another for 18 months we decided that we wanted out DC to meet. My ex wanted to be there, which was fine, DH and I simply picked him up from his dads when he was coming back to me, we stayed 10 mins and all was good.

My DHs ex actually said that was fine but she didn't want to meet me. Roll on a year and we were taking both boys away on holiday, DHs ex was dropping him off, so he called, said I was there and I would love to meet her before we all went away as one mum to another, she popped in all good. That was 15 years ago, and whilst we are not what I would call friends we both know we can call on one another if we have a problem and have done so on numerous occasions over the years .. She even buys my ds a birthday present, how civilised is that!

If your DP can take him to cinema etc, can't you go to the exs, only stay 20 mins or so and they go off and do your own thing for the day.

All seems very bizarre

SuperScrimper · 18/09/2014 19:21

What a joker. Every few months?! That is not a Father, that hardly even a distant relative.

If you don't live off him, or receive benefits and yet you don't have a job what are you? Either as self made millionaire or a aristocrat

Surely if yo have so much money you don't need any help at all, maybe the decent thing would be to pay for some petrol so your boyfriend can be a fucking decent parent.

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