meeting my partners son but his ex has to be tgere

[chubbylover78]

After years of wanting to meet my partners son and his ex refusing we've finally set a date but his ex has to be there and it's at her house (it was my partners too before he left her) it makes me feel like I'm going for a interrogation and she will also more than likely have family or friends there too.
My partner thinks it's best for his son so he doesn't feel uncomfortable but it's only going to make it uncomfortable for all of us. She's still bitter that my partners moved on and im not a zoo animal to be stared at our a criminal to be questioned.
I want to go as I don't want to let my partner down but I don't think meeting his ex on her terms on her turf is the right thing.
Any advice would be helpful.

I am actually agreeing with Wakey - !!!

Your DP left his ex ( reasons we do not know)
Then he abandoned his son by moving 150 miles away - he went from regular contact to non existent contact.
Xmas, b days and a phone call on Sunday and the occasional visit every few months - is bollocks. ( I know)
If I were his EX - I would feel aggrieved for my child and I would not want you to come on the rare occasions he visits because the visit would then be about you starting a relationship with the DC - not about his relationship with his father.

Your DP needs to establish a regular decent contact regimen, because quote frankly he sucks as a father and his priorities are wrong.

The EX can not control contact - but she can control who comes to her house. Seems to me that, she is actually not being that unreasonable but being v protective of their DC - whose father has placed well down the pecking order of priorities in his life.

It actually has little to do with you , it is your DP who needs to front up and parent his child properly and yes that involves some sacrifices, financial and time. Exactly why tomorrow evening I will drive 2.5 hrs ( on a good day) in Friday rush hour round the M25 to drop my DCS off, at their dickhead fathers so he can have them on his birthday. I will then crawl home in even worse traffic - last time took me 4.5 hrs because they are worth it. ( Not even allowed in the house for a pee before I leave!!)

chubby I think you have expressed quite a simplistic view of what is a very, very complex situation for your DPs son.

He will undoubtedly remember having more frequent contact with his Dad; what, if anything, has been explained to him about why weekday, and EOW contact, has stopped?
He is most probably aware that his mum calls the shots as to where and when he can see his Dad - which will undoubtedly create anxiety as he will wonder why that is.
And, the fact that his mum won't let him see you without her being present will also create anxieties for him.

In addition, it's possible that he has heard, or been told, negative things about you and his Dad.

There is a great deal of work for your DP to do in order to gain his DS trust, and until their relationship is established, introducing you merely complicates the issue further.

Sorry I missed the last 2 pages before I post!

I really empathise with you actually, this could be us were we to hit hard times. I think it's really easy to say, well you should move nearer, but actually we too could not possible afford to move nearer and it's just a bit patronising if people don't accept there are some areas which are simply out of reach for some of us. I work a very good job and our household income is high but we still would not be able to afford to live where SD does. Anyway just wanted to add that empathy that I see how you have got to this situation, and I really hope you can find an answer for your family.

Thats your life and the agreement you have with your ex. All relationships between patents and children are different and out of the advice I've had off here 90% of it has been criticism off women who arenot happywith their own situation

So hang on Whatever..... You are saying YOU drive your kids round to their dad's. This is great of you by the way, but can you see the difference there? You are doing something to go out of your way so your kids can see their dad. In this situation of their dad not being able to afford to come and pick them up given his partner of many years has lost her job, mum is doing everything she possibly can to LIMIT contact. So I hear you with the efforts you are going to for your kids, they are great and you're a great mum, but the mum in this situation is doing the total opposite. This is a good point that the mum doesn't appear on the surface of it to have done anything to offer to help. On that distance even coming half way would be a massive help. Just saying I don't think you are coming from the same standpoint, if you were the mum in this situation sounds like you would be dropping the kids off!

OK, put the shoe on the other foot: You have a child with your now DP, you split and he moves 150 miles away from you to be with someone else. Thus completely disregarding a consistent relationship with your son. As the mother of that child how would that make you feel? And how do you think the child feels?

Don't you think he should build up seeing his son more before you come along? It's hardly fair that this little boy hardly sees his dad because he chose to move 150 miles away but in the little time he does it's not one on one because dad's GF is there - the one woman he chose to move 150 miles away with.

Do they have telephone contact during the time he's not around?

He phones his son every week. My son was 4 when my DP came into his life and they have a strong relationship. My ex husband has never be stopped by me seeing his son he just chooses not to.if I did split up with my DP and he wanted a relationship with my son and he had a new gf then I wouldn't stop him as the relationship he has with him is seperate from the one he has me and his dad.

Sorry, but in this thread and previous, the OP is determined to put her DP's ex as the "bad guy" in everything, and her DP as long suffering dad.

I think this situation isn't going to resolve itself until the OP's DP mans up, makes the sacrifice to make sure he sees his son more frequently (or contacts him more frequently) to develop a better relationship, and THEN eases the OP and the other son into it. The OP doesn't seem willing to do this, as she feels it should all be the way she wants it. She's not willing to admit that his (and their) choices contributed greatly to this situation.

I'm out of this. There is none so blind, and so on....

Fair enough, but because of how little contact there has been, don't you think it best your DP builds up his relationship more consistently first? Why can't he stay somewhere like a b&b and have his son overnight or at his mum's alone for the night?

Your son and DP have a strong relationship because they have spent a lot of time together - obviously a lot more than your DP has with his own. Thus why he needs more time alone with his own son.

I think that if you can't afford to live in the area your child lives in, or get meaningful employment in that area to afford suitable accommodation to have a meaningful visit by your child, or there is no real employment there for your skillset then it's not really a 'choice' as such. If they moved the other way, from the midlands to central London then I think you have a point.

I think there's a bit of self flagellation going on here Chubby if I'm honest. If he could afford a home round the corner from his child and given you're not working, would you have moved in with him there? I think you're being a bit hard on yourself there personally as the reason isn't you it's the fact of the cost of the area.

Forgive me Chubby if I'm speaking out of turn and misunderstanding the situation, it just seems like you are happy to rake yourself across the coals for a situation that's not actually your fault at all.

I've got to say as well these things where people try to decide if a parents partner is 'to blame' for a parent not living with or near a child and thus if they are 'a bad guy' / OW are a bit child like and irrelevant to a child, if a parent has a partner and you hope for your child to be healthy and happy you don't bring them into an irrelevant bitterness. They need to see their parents are rounded individuals and see their life as it is not a weirdly edited version. If the new / evil woman really is the devil your kids aren't stupid, they will see that and make their own much more meaningful conclusions, that's part of growing up.

I've been back to the original post and you really didn't get much in the way of advice about what you asked.

I think you have to follow your heart on this one. I would be reluctant but at the same time the curiosity must be killing you by now.

The worry is making me ill if I'm honest. I was hoping for advice on a difficult situation and this is the second post I've made on here and both have had comments made by women who are the clone of my DPs ex. I always thought it was what was best For the child regardless of the feelings of the parents. It is after all why we nurture or children like we do. My Dp had been accused of abondoning his child, being a rubbish father and not doing enough when in actual fact when you have an ex that does all she can to stop you having a fulfilling relationship with your child your still accused of not doing enough. I think mumsnet should be renamed as scornedwomensnet.

How many hours in a year does your dp spend with his child? It sounds so few I can't see how it could possible be in the interest of a child to have to spend those hours getting to know somebody no. Especially as there is no intention to increase contact.

I might have missed something but how did you meet up every weekend for two years if he was living at his mums and you were living 150 miles away ? He seems to have managed the journey that way ?

He spends eight hours with his son on each visit and a few minutes upto an hour on the phone each week depending on wether his son wants to talk or play (hes only 8) I've never stopped his son stopping Overnight his mum has and we've been my DPs mums down the road and my DP has said he will see his son but his ex had refused.

Chubby, I'm sure hi live yr partner, and that he is a decent father to your child, but he is an APPALLING father to his own child.

The inconsistency of him astounds me. Moving 150 miles away to live with someone, dropping visits from weekly to quarterly - he's not a father, he's Uncle Daddy! He sounds absolutely awful!

I don't blame his ex at all for wanting to protect her son from a disinterested man.

Because that is what he is. I'm sure he's got all the sad words in the world on the matter, but his acts tell a different tale - the tale of a father who lost interest, fucked off, and doesn't visit.

I can understand why his ex doesn't want you (and quite likely your son) around when her child sees his father, he barely sees him even then only 1 day because of your DP work commitments and choice to move away. The boy deserves good quality time with his father, he shouldn't have to share his attention with anyone else.
It doesn't sounds like the situation is going to change anytime soon so why are you so insistent to meet the boy there seems no need for you both to have a relationship? How does meeting you benefit the child?

I always thought it was what was best For the child regardless of the feelings of the parents. It is after all why we nurture or children like we do.

It is. Which is why I'll say again that my advice is, right now, stay out of it.

Like it or not, your DP currently not have a close, trusting relationship with his DS. It doesn't matter why not - that is where he is right now.
And until he does, then you getting involved in his DS life is only going to confuse the DC further.

Set your own boundaries, tell your DP what you expect from him in terms of effort/commitment to see his own DS - and leave him to make changes before he drags you into this mess.

I would just carry on as you are op.

When the child is 16-18 years old, the mother wont get a say in who he sees then you can meet him then

I think quite a bunch of people here are wilfully ignoring the reasons that OP has clearly given that contact has dropped to this extent and he's ended up having to move from an expensive area. In fact if he'd kept the house not given half to his ex, and had residency at this stage he'd still be IN the area - but of course how we will laugh at the concept that a dad would be given residency. She's clearly stated his ex has refused contact away from the home. With regard to why should the child meet her BECAUSE SHE'S LIVED WITH HIS DAD FOR YEARS! Just always apply the rule to try to think how this would feel from the perspective of the child. Exactly how WIERD would it be to get to adulthood and NEVER have met this significant part in your dad's life? The issues of the adult are nothing to do with the child. The child has a right to see their parents, and go where they live, and be a part of their lives including their relatives, friends, partners, whomever dad feels is an important part of their lives. It's not for mum to edit a child's life and rights like this.

I think I would be looking to work towards a court order and a proper contact agreement, like I say even if it's 6 times a year at your home.

myhusband be very wary of dishing the ' I'll wait till his 16 then he can make his own mind up'

His mind will be made up a loooooong tune before that. And it won't be a positive decision. He may well be a very angry young man who want to know what his father didn't put enough effort in and set up home with another family.

This phrase is usually coined by parents that can't be arsed with the battle of ensuring that they are in their dc life.

Robo - he left the area to go live with a women 150 miles away apparently because contact was dropped to EOW. Which is strange as op said he seen her (drove) 150 miles every weekend.