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Step-parenting

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Original poster

meeting my partners son but his ex has to be tgere

172 replies

chubbylover78 · 17/09/2014 17:29

After years of wanting to meet my partners son and his ex refusing we've finally set a date but his ex has to be there and it's at her house (it was my partners too before he left her) it makes me feel like I'm going for a interrogation and she will also more than likely have family or friends there too.
My partner thinks it's best for his son so he doesn't feel uncomfortable but it's only going to make it uncomfortable for all of us. She's still bitter that my partners moved on and im not a zoo animal to be stared at our a criminal to be questioned.
I want to go as I don't want to let my partner down but I don't think meeting his ex on her terms on her turf is the right thing.
Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:
rootypig · 18/09/2014 07:08

So your DP has let her walk all over him, and now you?

Don't go. You'd be enabling both of them.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/09/2014 07:24

His choice to move 150 miles away from his son. Surely he had to know that would affect his relationship with his son to some extent, if he cannot afford regular contact.

His choice not to take her into court and demand regular access.

From what you've said, he had regular access, but through his own choices he no longer does. So basically he is making choices that negatively affect his relationship with his son and then moaning when his relationship with his son is affected negatively.

If he's that concerned, he will go the legal route to sort it. Other than that, complaining doesn't really do much, does it? It certainly doesn't help his relationship with his son. It's all about priorities.

Can you really not see this? Quite frankly, I don't blame the mum for being a bit skittish if he's moved away and doesn't see the child often. I'd be questioning his judgement as well.

purpleroses · 18/09/2014 07:24

Well if the contact that he had, and wants, takes place at his ex's house then I think you coming too and meeting her probably is the only way to move the situation on, uncomfortable as our sounds.

I don't think the ex is being "controlling" or walking all over your DP (currently) as others have suggested as our sounds as if that limited contact is what suits your DP too for the moment at least.

purpleroses · 18/09/2014 07:25

Sorry "our" should read it

WakeyCakey45 · 18/09/2014 07:29

OP, your DP has certainly not demonstrated by his actions that he is a committed and reliable Dad, has he?
He's made choices that have had a significant impact on his DS, and it's understandable that his ex wants to protect her DS from his behaviour.

I realise it's probably hard for you to read, but maybe it would help if you read some of the posts on the Lone Parent board, where mums are describing the affect it has on their DCs when they only see their dad very infrequently?

With time and commitment, it is perfectly possible to reach a situation in which your DPs son has a positive, valuable relationship with both families, but that is a long way off and will need a change in attitude from everyone to achieve.
Perhaps your DP should take the first step - propose a regular, frequent contact schedule, increase the level of indirect contact and look to a future when he is an active part of his DS life. That may mean he (and you) need to consider moving home to be closer to his son.

rootypig · 18/09/2014 07:29

Really?! refusing to let your child meet your ex's partner, with whom he has been in a relationship for SIX YEARS, without you and your merry band in attendance, is not controlling?

I really have seen it all now.

worstdayever · 18/09/2014 07:31

Im really confused was your ex with his ex?

Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 07:40

Tbh op I'd probably be the same as his mother.

He left his some to move 150 miles away with some one new 'and moved on with his life'

He phones once a a week.

Money is the main factor he doesn't have regular contact.

You both decided that because he doesn't know you he can't stay over.

Does your DP even pay CS?

Maybe the fact his mother is hostile because she resents the treatment her son receives?

I just don't get fathers like this. What a horrible situation for his ds.

riverboat1 · 18/09/2014 07:43

It all sounds like a mess. On the one hand if the ex had stopped all contact except every other Saturday I can see why he prioritised the chance of having a live-in relationship and moved 150 miles away. But on the other hand maybe his son was a baby at this time, if so, contact is often in very short bursts and he would have had good grounds to assume contact would increase as he got older. Moving so far away that regular contact became impossible due to distance and cost seems like a silly and unfatherly thing to do.

Honestly I can see why you feel really need uncomfortable about going to her house, but from what you've said in your recent posts it sounds like you're not really in a position to do much except go along with what your DP and his ex want - meeting his son at her home - or opt out of meeting his son at all. I'd go, make nice, and try to give her no reason to refuse you and DP taking his DS out for the day without her next time .

Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 07:43

Every few months = four times a year. All because of a woman. Terrible.

Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 07:45

It all sounds like a mess. On the one hand if the ex had stopped all contact except every other Saturday I can see why he prioritised the chance of having a live-in relationship and moved 150 miles away.

really ?

lunar1 · 18/09/2014 07:46

I agree that the mum is being controlling but can understand it to some extent.

If all contact is is a few hours every few months then that few hours should just be about father and son. Unless your dh is going to step up and be a significant presence in his child's life then why add more complications to the time they do spend together.

If I'm honest when people say they can't afford to see their child I would love to see if it's genuine or if they still go out for meals or order a takeaway, or spend a single penny on anything non essential.

The only way this would be remotely acceptable would be if it was the rp that moved.

riverboat1 · 18/09/2014 07:48

Another - you conveniently didn't quote the second part of that paragraph...

Original poster
chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 08:00

My ex left his partner, he eventually met me and after 2 years of us seeing each other at weekends he moved in with me. He left his son knowing contact wouldn't be as regular as I live 150miles away from where his son lives. He phones his son every Sunday and sees him every few months and birthdays and christmas etc.
His ex lets my DP have contact but as always refused me being there so he's always visited alone. When he has his son he takes him to the park and cinema etc and to see my DPs mum who lives near my DPs ex because it's the only time my DP sees his own mum. We've asked in numerous occasions for my DP to be there on a visit but my DPs ex had always made excuses (too young, wouldn't understand etc) we can't afford to go to court and my DP works 6days a week so having his son for a weekend isn't possible at the moment and it wouldn't be fair on his son to jump straight in with it as my DPs son needs to meet and get to know me before hand to make sure he's happy and comfortable with me. We're going to see his son at the end of this month but my DPs ex wants contact to take place at her house with her there and it is more than likely that she will have family there too as they are always there at the weekend. There is no reason why I shouldn't met my partners son other than the excuses his ex comes up with. We would of gone together before without asking but when we get there his ex would refuse contact and it would only upset his son and be a wasted journey for us. My DP has used a solicitor in the begining to arrange contact as well as mediation but my DPs ex stopped it because she didn't think it was quality time.
I can't make it any more clearer without a face to face conversation. My ex had never give up on his son and had always had some firm of contact with him. Just because you move away from a child/children doesn't mean you no longer live/want them which I think is what some people are implying. My own DS dad moved away from his son but still commutes to the city where we live to work and has little contact with my son but my son knows his dad loves him and dies see him just not as regular as my son wants.

OP posts:
WakeyCakey45 · 18/09/2014 08:02

another Undestanding why someone made the choices they did isn't the same as agreeing with them.

Like river, I understand why the OPs DP chose to move 150 miles away to live with her, but I wouldn't make the same decision myself. I sympathise, but don't empathise.

Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 08:05

river because it was irrelevant. Also there is no excuse because the baby may have be tiny OR that he assumed contact would get more frequent as he got older. He moved away. How is that possible.

Original poster
chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 08:06

My partner works 6 days a week pays child support and bus his son what he needs. I can't work because of my health and I have a 10 year old son who is home schooled. I can't claim benefits so my partner is the only wage earner. We don't have £100 spare a month for my partner to see his son (£100 is for fuel, treats and day out etc) So we save some each month for his visit.

OP posts:
WakeyCakey45 · 18/09/2014 08:10

OP, given what you have said about your own situation, I can see how your DP may not have fully appreciated the impact his move would have on his relationship with his DS.

Your DCs situation is very unusual - generally, a close relationship with a NRP is only possible if all the adults in the DCs life actively pursue it.

The reality is that his situation is not yours, and if he wants to improve his relationship with his DS, then he may well need to commit to more frequent contact - even if that means moving closer.

Original poster
chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 08:11

My DP moved in with me because our relationship was 2 years old, we love each other and seeing each other at weekends was no way for us to have a relationship. He didn't take the decision lightly but the fact that he was living with his mum and not being able to afford to rent anywhere on his own(he lived in London i live in the midlands which is cheaper)was also a factor in him moving in with me.

OP posts:
Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 08:12

wakey I cannot show sympathy for anyone when they have engineered this whole mess them selves.

The op still hadn't mentioned if he pays CS or though I may have missed it. The op also seems to think that what's acceptable for her own son to be treated like is ok for the dp to treat his son like that. It's not. A three monthly visit and a once a week phone call while dp plays happy families is not enough.

The only people I sympathise with is the ds and his mother.

fedupbutfine · 18/09/2014 08:15

She does put kids parties for her son first however so my DP will just go the following weekend

This kind of thing infuriates me. You should try being the child who misses half the parties because one parent won't allow you to go. You should also be the mother of that same child and try and comfort him when he's sobbing because dad promised to take him to a party and then didn't.

Contact with both parents is incredibly important. But so is a child being able to be a part of their friendship group and not have to make a choice between dad and being with their friends. Your DP has move 150 miles away and there is an inevitable impact on his relationship with his son as a result. He sounds like he can't be bothered. I wouldn't be having children with this man myself.

Original poster
chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 08:15

We can't afford to move closer or we would, we even looked at me moving to London but we just couldn't afford it.
My DS had told his dad that he wants to see him more and I've never stopped contact between him and his father is my DS dad that makes the choice not to see his son.

OP posts:
WakeyCakey45 · 18/09/2014 08:16

My DP moved in with me because our relationship was 2 years old, we love each other and seeing each other at weekends was no way for us to have a relationship.

And I do understand that - but, I think you and he are ignoring the fact that the choice you made to do this has consequences for your DPs DS and, indirectly, his ex.
You are, of course, within your rights to make whatever life choices you wish - but you can't avoid the consequences of those choices.

Original poster
chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 08:20

Fedupbutfine-my DPs ex takes my DPs son to the parties not my DP. If he arranges to visit he tells his son but then his ex will cancel if their son gets a party invite. What's more important? Going to a party of a friend you see everyday at school or contact with a parent you don't see every week.

OP posts:
Original poster
chubbylover78 · 18/09/2014 08:25

Wakeycakey45- we've never avoided the consequences of our choice and we have visited my DPs mum (she lives 9 miles away from my DPs ex) and my DP has asked to see his son at the same time but because I'm there my DPs ex refuses contact. It's not our fault she refuses contact on these occasions if she didn't my DP would see his son more often. Why should we have to arrange two seperate visits, one to see my DPs mum and one Fir my DP so see his son.

OP posts: