meeting my partners son but his ex has to be tgere

[chubbylover78]

After years of wanting to meet my partners son and his ex refusing we've finally set a date but his ex has to be there and it's at her house (it was my partners too before he left her) it makes me feel like I'm going for a interrogation and she will also more than likely have family or friends there too.
My partner thinks it's best for his son so he doesn't feel uncomfortable but it's only going to make it uncomfortable for all of us. She's still bitter that my partners moved on and im not a zoo animal to be stared at our a criminal to be questioned.
I want to go as I don't want to let my partner down but I don't think meeting his ex on her terms on her turf is the right thing.
Any advice would be helpful.

You go, put a smile on your a face, say yes and no at the right time.

She probably just needs reassurance that you aren't the monster she's had in her head for all these years.

Whatever you do, DONT miss this opportunity, don't react if she says something you don't like, she actually deserves her moment!

Obviously don't be soooooo nice that you look like you're putting it on .. Probably won't even be that bad, it's the unknown that's all.

YOur DP and his son are happy with the level of contact - you are having a laugh. I am sure his DS does not think that.

He has a strong relationship with your DS - sod his own.

Sorry your inconsistencies are making this difficult to follow, from financial, to contact, to the Ex issues. Ex is protecting her DC from a less than exemplary example of fatherhood and so she should.

Like I said contact is about him and his son - not you. I am heartened by the responses for once on steps - thank you

Your son gets his step dad all the time, his son gets 8 hours every few months. This poor child should not have to share a single second of this time, you have said there is no intention to try for more access. How can it benefit this child to water down the little contact he actually gets?

You lost sympathy when you put dp sees his son every few months. That's not a father. A real father would go without food to save money to see his child. No wonder his ex is not exactly helpful.

OP, if you want to do what's best for your DP and his son then you have to meet her on her terms on her turf because that's all that's on offer here.

Bite the bullet, it's only a few hours out of your life.

It didn't help I'm still

LOL Flossy!

I have to say I don't think I've ever seen this level of accord on the step board!!!

Like alpaca said, you got advise, just not maybe what you wanted to here. I had advice like that once, but I stopped arguing and listened

I do get that's its an intimidating situation to be in . To have to sit there with an ex and possibly extra family looking at you and judging you is tricky .
But I do think that if you had asked questions along the lines of how to make a good impression ? How long to stay ? Or how nervous you were at eventually meeting your partners child and hoping he would like you ?

Then I think the advice and hand holding would gave been plentiful.

I have my own money and home and pay my own bills. How dare you say I'm a sponger because that's what your insinuating. I don't claim benefits because I don't believe in living off the state or anyone else

and

Were entitled to child tax credits and child benefits that's all

so.....you have your own money and don't claim benefits but 'we' are entitled to child tax credits and child benefits? you realise how contradictory this is, don't you?

you are basically able to afford to home school your own child but your partner can't afford to see his child regularly. Do you not see anything wrong with that?

I think you and your DP like an easy life. You find it easier to blame the 'wicked ex' than to do anything about his relationship with his son. I'm happy to accept that she is controlling, that she did what she could to prevent the relationship when he still lived nearby with his parents.

But...in that situation, you and your DP decided to move in together, 150 miles away from his son, living a lifestyle that prevents him from visiting more than a few times a year. Not going to court and making a commitment to a proper contact pattern, building up to overnights and holidays in a concrete, child-centred way that the child and his mum could rely on, but phoning and visiting when you get round to it and bitching about how terrible ex is when she won't cancel everything when daddy decides he will turn up.

And then into this volatile situation, in which you aren't willing to actually do anything about improving the contact, you decide that the very best thing to do would not be to move nearer, or make financial decisions that would mean he could visit more often, or go to court, no, the very best thing would be to insist that the miserable amount of contact time be 'shared' with you.

Thus nicely giving you another excuse to bitch about the ex, and turning the spotlight firmly back on you and how awful the whole thing is for you. Not the child, or your ex, who are 'perfectly happy' with only seeing each other a few times a year . So don't go, why do anything difficult in order to increase contact? You obviously don't care what anyone else in the world thinks about it - much easier to start hurling abuse and saying we are all bitter and twisted than do any difficult thinking about what is being said.

OP my DH moved 80 miles away from his sons as he was given the opportunity to study at the University. The fees were paid in full by his work place and he wanted the chance to gain qualifications (very poor family) and be in a position where he could financially support his sons future, this was 23 years ago. His course was full time and his dad would send him £500 per month for rent and food. He was beyond skint during that 3 year period.

However every weekend he would cycle the 80 miles back to his home town just to see his sons for a few hours in her living room with her mum & brother. His ex had ishoos back then (they separated before they knew about the pregnancy). DH hated it but he was desperate to see his sons so he did whatever was needed just to spend a few hours with them on a Saturday afternoon. DH was 18 yo at the time and he had enough about him to not give up on his children no matter what the distance.

I am in the almost reverse situation (which made me wonder if you were actually my ds dads partner!)

I won't let my ds meet his dads girlfriend because he spends so little time with him already, to dilute that attention to involve someone else seems cruel. She has also said some horrid things about my son in the past, and I will not have someone who thinks so little of him in his life because he is not stupid and I don't want him to pick up on that attitude. Call me controlling, I don't give a shit.

I have my family around when Ds's dad visits because it helps normalise it, I want him to think growing up that we liked his daddy and were supportive of their relationship. They help distract him when he goes and we have the inevitable melt down.

If Ds dad's partner was to meet him later down the line then it would prob be at our house - not because it is MY turf and I want to interrogate her, or make her feel like a criminal, but because it is my sons turf and I want HIM to be comfortable. Believe me, I don't want the woman in my home either, but I put that aside because it is what is best for my child.

You will notice in all of the above that it is not about how my ds dads partner feels, it is not about how his dad feels, it is not about what I feel - it is about how best to treat the child - it is all about the child.

My partner wants me to meet his son and I have said I would

But why? I've asked several times - other than because your DP wants you to why do you think it's good for your DPs DS to meet you?

I understand that in the future, there might be the chance of him spending more time with you - but at the moment, there is nothing to suggest that contact will increase in frequency or length.

Why not wait until spending regular time with him is a possibility; rather than put yourself through the ordeal you've described in your OP?

This thread has made me feel very sad for that little boy. Went and gave my little man an extra hug.

Maybe the ex's family will be there to stop her wanting to brain her ex DP for being a tool. I know I'd be fighting the urge to in her shoes. Her son will probably be really nervous before hand and really upset afterwards. Lots of emotional turmoil. But hey what's that compared to the OP and her 'D'p getting on with normal life.

If he wanted to see his son more often he'd find a way. Get a coach, cheap train ticket booked way in advance, get a second job, anything. There's no justifiable excuse.

Please tell me exactly where in all your posts you have spoken about what is best for this 8-year-old little boy who has very sporadic contact with his dad?

All your posts are about you meeting his son, you becoming a blended family and you who wants to eventually go away all together.

It's not about you or your DP it's about the child and what he feels comfortable with. He's probably so confused as to why he saw dad eow and then it dropped when he moved in with you. His relationship with his dad has to be built before any thought of a relationship with you.

And this doesn't come from a bitter ex of any sort. It comes from somebody with experience with being in a blended family and how even when you are part of one - the DSC still need and deserve one on one with dad.

After reading the OPs posts I totally get why the ex wants some support with her whne meeting the absentee parent and the woman he prioritises over his son.

I've had to cope with house teen sobbing because her father doesn't make the effort to see her, often citing money as the reason, but he always has enough to buy what he wants for himself and his new wife, like cars and motorbikes etc. what do you say to a child who says she knows her father doesn't love her because he doesn't come to see her? That was a few years ago, and now she has decided that she can't be bothered with him because he wasn't ther when she needed him. And she also says that he did not just walk out on her mother but on her as well.

They will never have a close relationship as she has too much anger at the way he did not make an effort to be in her life. And she was a lot older than the child in this sad tale when her father left. Three or four visits a year when only separated by 150 miles is unbelievable. This is not a man who wants to be in his sons life. If he did, he would be making every effort to get down to London at least once a month. Most loving fathers would be desperate to see their children and would happily go without lunch to save up the bus fare to get down to London.

I think that's a really good post Sillymilly. Genuinely in a quite difficult situation for everyone it's quite easy to assume the intent on the other side sometimes and get it wrong, and so it's massively helpful I think to see the other side and how easy it is to misinterpret :-)

I am also in the confused club, I agree some of the info on income is confusing. While I agree it's irrelevant to the question you asked, I think as Sillymilly clearly shows the lack of contact is possibly a driver to this behaviour.

As I said I have a very similar situation and I worry about what would happen if I lost my income. I am not responsible for my OH to see his child, but I feel responsible because I love them and they are a team. I realise that you feel his reasons for his contact level are reasonable, but I too struggle to understand how it got to this level. We have had some very serious money crisis in the time we have been travelling to his child and we have literally had weeks of eating nothing but jacket potato's or toast, it never occurred to me once that we would use his visit or maintenance money to eat.

I think all that aside, and accepting the fact it's not your responsibility it's his, I think it's a good thing he is trying to move forward now. But I agree with Sillymilly and listening to other experienced step mums views that if you want to move forward in contact you should suck this up, show respect, and if unpleasant things or unreasonable things happen note it all down and use it in your case in future. It's absolutely correct to say we were never in this position with our court order because my OH has always taken every single second of contact available to him, and fought from day one for the rights that he was finally granted on the order so I speak from a very different experience. It's worth listening to those who have experience from other less favourable starting points.

Just generally if you do go and move forward, don't 'expect' anything at all from him. You are a random stranger and friendship takes a long time and trust to build :-)

If my ex chose his gf over his child, I wouldn't want the pair of them anywhere near me.
He shouldn't have moved away from his son to be with you.

Of course, I'd do what was right for my child, whether I liked it or not.

But I would have NO TIME for him bleating about his gf meeting his child.

That kid needs a father before he needs a stepmother.

This is one of those threads where I would love to hear the EXs point of view/version of events.

I too wondered how your DP managed to sustain a two year relationship with you while you lived 150 miles away, yet doesn't seem able [or have the inclination] to do the same with his child.

When I read the thread title, my thought was that it was unreasonable for the EX to be present when you met your DPs son, but it isn't that simple is it?

I can only imagine the shattered bits that this little boys Mum has to sweep up as a result of your DPs 'parenting'

Poor kid, poor Mum, no wonder she wants it on her turf and with her family [true support network] present.

Dreadful case of shit parenting enabling.

As for the 'she is bitter about DP moving on'

I expect she is hurt and upset at the way her precious child is treated by his excuse for a father, actually.

I don't blame her.

How did it go OP?