meeting my partners son but his ex has to be tgere

[chubbylover78]

After years of wanting to meet my partners son and his ex refusing we've finally set a date but his ex has to be there and it's at her house (it was my partners too before he left her) it makes me feel like I'm going for a interrogation and she will also more than likely have family or friends there too.
My partner thinks it's best for his son so he doesn't feel uncomfortable but it's only going to make it uncomfortable for all of us. She's still bitter that my partners moved on and im not a zoo animal to be stared at our a criminal to be questioned.
I want to go as I don't want to let my partner down but I don't think meeting his ex on her terms on her turf is the right thing.
Any advice would be helpful.

Another -

I was saying that I understand one of the ways of looking at it: stay living in a place just for the 24 days out of 365 when you are allowed to see your son but your day to day existence is lonely, or move to the place where you can stop being lonely every day...but lose a lot of those special days with your son.

You scorn him for moving for 'a woman' as if the desire to live with a partner isn't a strong and normal human drive.

But anyway, all that is just one thing to weigh in the balance, I'm not saying the logical conclusion is to just look at the numbers and move. I already gave my thoughts on that in my previous post.

I think you misunderstood me saying about the baby being tiny or assuming contact would increase, I wasn't saying these were excuses to leave but rather compelling reasons to stay.

His son was 4 when he left to live with me and 10 months old when my DPs relationship with his ex ended (they had been together 12years)

Why should we have to arrange two seperate visits, one to see my DPs mum and one Fir my DP so see his son.

Because your DPs ex is hurt, on behalf of her DS, that your DP chose to reduce contact.
I'm not saying it's right - but it's a consequence.

And unless your DP changes something - whether that is moving closer, seeking mediation or securing a court order - then nothing will change.

And you can continue to feel the way you do about it, or accept it as part of life with your DP.

What you can't do is demand, or expect, someone else (in this case, your DPs ex) to change.

river we will just have to agree to disagree.

Thats like saying that my DPs feelings didn't matter when his ex reduced contact to once every two weeks.
my DP never changed contact until finances meant he had too which was a couple of years ago when I had to give up work. My DPs ex stopped the evenings before he moved in with me and was still living near his son and the intention was to still see his son every other saturday which he did until he changed jobs.He now works saturdays so he has to book a day of work in advance and as I'm no longer working we have to save up for the money for him to visit.

Thats like saying that my DPs feelings didn't matter when his ex reduced contact to once every two weeks.

No one has said feelings don't matter. What did he do about the reduction in contact his ex dictated? He was still living with his Mum, yes? So he could, then, have afforded to mediate and applied to court if necessary for contact?

They had mediation when they first split up and this is where contact was agreed. My DP saw a solicitor when contact was reduced but it was costing too much. When my DP was living with his mum he was paying the mortgage on the house he owned with his ex, child support and board to his mum as well as costs to see me.(over £1500 a month in total)

Why one earth is he letting his ex dictate when. If he wants more regular, consistent contact he needs to do something about it. He needs to show more commitment for a start by the sounds.

I fully understand his son not coming to yours for an overnight if he's never met you but couldn't your DP stay in a hotel, local B&B for a night one weekend or even stay at his mum's without you there so he can start the overnight contact?

I think you need to stop looking back at how you got to this situation and move forward. Whatever the ins and outs, your DP has had very little contact with his DS for the last few years and exDW is understandably nervous about a potential step-parent becoming part of his life, however despite this she has agreed to move forward.

It may not be how you'd like it, but this is a positive step for your DP and his DS and if you've really got their best interests at heart you'll do it with good grace. If you go in with the attitude that you're being interrogated it's just not going to go well, whereas if you go in with an open mind and take them as they come then there's a good chance the visit will be successful and the exDW will start agreeing more contact. Which is the outcome you want.

I met my dsd briefly when she was 2. Then I didn't meet her again til she was 9 - we moved to be nearer them but visits were sporadic even then as dsd's mother would take a notion that the visit time/place weren't good enough. By that stage we were married. A lot of that (lack of contact) was because she and her mother lived abroad so dh would go alone to visit and she never came here but it did not bode well for their/our ongoing relationship. Like your partners ex my dh's ex was very bitter and angry. She never stopped being angry and this eventually rubbed off onto dsd who decided to stop contact with her father in her teens. I think eventually she and her father will recover their relationship but the damage done to all involved was substantial - and it all boils down to the mothers bitterness & anger and the fathers (dhs) inability to stand firm against his ex's viciousness. He was always afraid to upset her (as were his parents even!!), and it has cost him - and his dd - hugely. I don't know how this situation could have turned out differently as their personalities are what they are but wanted to share that story with you OP as an example of what can happen when an angry ex has such control over contact.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I would not be going under these circumstances, you will already be feeling quite awkward and you don't need the added pressure of having her there and her family and friends. Just meet him when he's in your dp's care.

Just read more. If my DH moved 150 miles away from his dc (my dsc, not that he would do that) we would both make sure that it didn't affect contact. That may mean him staying away EOW to be with them, working only every other sat and me not being able to see them really. Maybe you need to re think where you both live, kids aren't little long

When my DP was living with his mum he was paying the mortgage on the house he owned with his ex, child support and board to his mum as well as costs to see me.(over £1500 a month in total)

Is he still paying their mortgage - or did that stop when he moved in with you, as well?

I'm not, for one moment, suggesting that what is ex is doing is right, or best for your DPs DS, but the choices your DP has made have undoubtedly left his ex feeling aggrieved and bitter.

She may be making poor choices now, but your DPs choices (to prioritise finances to see you rather than his DS, for instance) could be considered equally poor.

As a result, it isn't reasonable for you, or your DP, to expect everything to become amicable straight away. You have a choice - my advice would be to leave him to build a close relationship with his DS, and build bridges with his ex, before you are involved in his DCs life.

I agree with Wakey His ex's limit to contact is wrong but your DP's priorities were wrong too. She obviously feels that he really didn't think of his son and their relationship when he decided to up sticks and move £150 miles away.

Given the limit/lack of contact I think if this were to go to court then they'd also suggest your DP building up to a more structured consistent relationship with his son alone before introducing anybody else in to the picture.

He needs to put you on the back burner now - and I mean that in the nicest way possible - and concentrate on having a more meaningful relationship with his son. While also having a separate relationship with you for the time being.

Where on earth did the £ sign come from in my post. OMG, lack of sleep...

It isn't a great situation to be in but it may be the only way. I met my step children for the first time on neutral ground, we took them out for something to eat and the brought them back, this was perfect but after a few weeks we had problems with the eldest boy ( he was being naughty at school and at home ) and his mum asked dh of he could come to the house ( the house dh used to live in with her ) and discus their son, I was also asked to go. It felt very awkward as a lot of ds's problems were being put down to 'dad having a new girlfriend', I went to show that I was interested and cared about the children, I didn't want to sit in a room with dh and his ex but I had too and I have done many times in the past 11 years. If you are going to stay with this man then there are going to be many times when you are in the same room as his ex.

Now I have been with dh 11 years and have got to know his ex ( who I don't really like ) I can now go to her house on my own and sit and discus the children, I still feel uncomfortable but it's something I have to do as a step parent.

I don't want to be best friends with my DPs ex nor do I want to be a mum to his son, that's not my job. All my DP wants is to be able to see his son with me there so we can visit my DPs family and try and establish a relationship which is consistant.

Marne2 why do you have to go on your own, to discuss the children? Can your dp not just sort the children with his ex? I only ask because in the 6 years I've been with my DH I've never needed to do this, it's down to them to sort any problems with the children (not that I'm totally irrelevant)

chubby what financial support does dp give to his son?

There have been times where dh can't go ( due to work ), I'm quite close to dsd so have often taken things over for her including money and ingredients for cookery classes so I often get invited in to talk about the kids. I may not enjoy doing it but I do it for them and sometimes the communication between me and their mother is better than between her and dh ( as they hate each other ).

Anotherchapter- he gives 15% of his wage via the csa as the law requires. He signed over his hold of the joint home(£315000) and bus his son clothes etc when he needs them but he did refuse to give her £100 for a Window blind for his sons bedroom. The law States that a parent is entitled to contact with their child/children regardless of any child support given so it's irrelevant.

Will you be taking your DS with you when you visit?

A word of warning - the ex may have a problem with you in your DP's life, but her DS is more likely to see another similar-aged child, who's living with his dad as much more of a threat. If you haven't already made plans to leave your DS somewhere else, that would probably be a good idea.

Don't get too caught up in arguments on this thread about whether your DP is paying enough or is a crap dad. You are where you are, so you might as well work out how best to support him moving things on a bit. If contact involves ocassional visits to his DS in his own home, then that's what it is at the moment, and you're right you can't really jump to having him down for a week at half term without something in between. I'd just try and make the meeting as brief as possible and get to spend a bit of time taking your DP's DS out somewhere or back to his gran's where you can relax a bit more and get to know him.

So the boy is 8 at the youngest. Could your DO not take him to see his DGM and you be there? Or his ex bring the child there. She would still be there then. It's not like the child is a toddler.

I live 150 miles away from SD, my OH goes every Friday and picks her up, and takes her back every Sunday. We have her for 6 weeks holiday of the year. The point is, to be part of dads life, which she is. The point of living (in that part) with me is because dads life involves living with me. His ex didn't want any of these things for all the reasons you state, but mum doesn't own their child. Their child not her child. His ex tried to refuse me being present when she comes over, and was told no. I deeply regret we complied with her at first on not seeing certain friends, as she now is upset she has only just become friends again with these close childhood friends.

I understand about the expense, it is very expensive it rules our life and what we do, we have never had a non uk holiday together, for 8 hours a fortnight OH is driving. But SD is happy, and that's all I care about.

I'm not trying to be dictating to you what your family should be doing as that's none of my business as all families are different. I am just saying what we have was against mums wishes, but was granted by the court, and is wonderful for our family. So all I am saying is that if the reason you have this arrangement is it's what's best for your family right now that's cool. But if it's what happens as you don't think a court would grant you more, you are incorrect to think this kind of thing is granted as it is.

For me personally, I didn't feel that I could be with my partner if I wasn't an accepted part of his family, as his child and he are a unit. The idea of his ex dictating what happened in my life was unacceptable to me. It was important that as a sign of respect for me, and also his child, he insist on us being a part of each other's lives, as we both are of his. I personally would feel massive alarm bells at the fact he is prepared to pander to an ex and not just say no, I am taking my child out for the day, with my partner, as is my right as their dad.

I get that in the absence of a court order, and sometimes with one tbh you are under the thumb of her potentially refusing, and so sometimes you have to suck things up for the sake of not having contact withdrawn. We have done that (the not seeing friends thing I regret). But for me personally, I would look to have an agreement which doesn't allow her control like this which gives their child a damaging impression of mums place in the world. Even if it was a court order that just said he could have one day every six months he take his child out for the day, and you can decide if you go or not, in control of your own life. I wouldn't personally have anything to do with going to someone's house to be judged by some random woman who is nothing to do with my life, and I personally think the child has rights which are being ignored there and will upset them in the future.

I completely get though that life isn't as easy as just paying out to have what you want and so if it's the case you simply can't fund any of this then you are both in suck it up territory and so you should decide what you feel is best for all of you. For me personally I wouldn't feel it was healthy for me or the child but as I say every family is different and I'm not you or yours :-) I hope if you go you have a nice time.

My DPs son knows he lives with another child and had been told he will meet him one day but for now it will just be myself and my DP visiting and it won't be every time but we both want his son to know that he can still have contact and a relationship with his dad despite him living with me and my son.