Honestly, this board is not a nice place

[TheMumsRush]

Sick of goady fuckers, trolls and people coming to bash SM from all angles! Some of the "advise" is shocking. If you try it's "step back, not your kids!" But if you don't it's "you're cold and the kids know it". And god forbid you just have a rant that you can't in RL. I see the same posters with the same SM hating shite!

As for the socio-cultural therory that stepmums have been vilified by society for generations - I've yet to see any other explaination, convincing or otherwise, for the evidence presented. There are so many facts that the theory explains that I'm unwilling to accept the alternative, which seems to be that it is no more than unfortunate coincidence.

Interesting. What do you mean by 'facts'?

The very existence of a step relationship indicates some kind of loss. In earlier times that would have commonly been a bereavement and in the modern era it's relationship breakdown, isn't it?

But it was only in the Victorian era that death became sentimentalised link. Previous generations were quite no-nonsense about it (even cold-blooded to our modern eyes) because it was so commonplace and so step-mothers would not have been seen as problematic necessarily.

So I'm afraid the Victorians are probably in the frame for demonizing SMs if that happened.

Personally, I suspect that divorce and separation is becoming so 'normal' now, that SMs too, are losing any stigma they had attracted.

Not had a chance to read through, will have to look tomorrow ??

So I'm afraid the Victorians are probably in the frame for demonizing SMs if that happened.

They are, but not in the way you might think. It was the Victorians who substituted the "mother" figures in traditional children's stories with the "stepmother".
Their sentiment extended to a maternal horror at the thought of being painted in a bad light - hence the mother became a delightful, positive (dead) character and the stepmother was recruited to fulfil the "wicked and evil" role.

By the time DCs are 4 or 5, they have already been subject to repeated associations between stepmothers and "bad things" - and then, we expect them to accept a stepmother of their own with no need for reassurance from the very people who created that association in the first place. The "lucky" ones, who don't have personal experience of a SM in childhood carry those fairy stories into adult life - and like it or not, it does influence their reaction and responses when faced with the term "stepmother".

That results in a wider social stereotyping - there have been audits of media reporting and the disproportion emphasis placed on the stepmother relationship. Once particular case (I can't remember the names offhand, I'll need to get my book back) in which the media stance of reporting a nasty abuse/murder case changed from painting the mother as an innocent victim to a cold, calculating murder once her lack biological relationship with the children was established. Even recently, cases where the stepfatherhas been responsible for a child's death do not label him as such (boyfriend/partner of the mother seems to be the medias preferred term), and yet, when a stepmother has been involved, the label has been emphasised and sensationalised.

This is global. It exists. So is it really coincidence that stepparenting social media platforms are some of the most contentious in the world? Even on this thread, there is evidence that the same conventions do not apply as elsewhere, with a poster admitting that she is secretly monitoring her DCs stepmums MN posts, and being congratulated for her ingenuity.

They are, but not in the way you might think. It was the Victorians who substituted the "mother" figures in traditional children's stories with the "stepmother".

Yes that makes sense too, they had trouble with the idea of less than perfect mothers didn't they?

By the time DCs are 4 or 5, they have already been subject to repeated associations between stepmothers and "bad things"

Thank goodness for Jacqueline Wilson

"with a poster admitting that she is secretly monitoring her DCs stepmums MN posts, and being congratulated for her ingenuity."

As an aside, Wakey, how do you feel about said poster realising that her DCs stepmother is posting in a fantasist style? Do you think that said poster is lying, and that the SM posts are real? Or do you think that the SM might be lying in her posts to garner sympathy for situations that might be in her head, rather than real? TBH, I don't think the poster who said she thought it was "brilliant" that said poster had been handed her DCs SM's moniker on a plate meant that it was "ingenious" - just luck.

Would you not want to know, if you could without breaking the law, how the "other side" views things? Do you not think it informs the situation and allows better decisions to be made? OR do you see it as a purely negative thing?

how do you feel about said poster realising that her DCs stepmother is posting in a fantasist style?

I'll answer that in the same way as CAFCASS responded to DHs concerns about DSSs accuracy in his wishes and feelings report. "what's important is perception"
If that's how the SM perceives the situation, then that's just as real for her as the mums perception is.

And no, I don't think anyone should make decisions regarding their children based on what is written on MN by a poster they believe is their DCs stepmum.

I too have seen the lies that my xh's partner have posted here about me and my eldest. It completely opened my eyes to how facts could be manipulated and essential parts of the story missed out.

Sadly it's left me slightly cynical about any posts, so nowadays I really have to check my intuition before I decide to offer support. D

Damn you phone ... debates are fine but sadly it has left me feeling slightly cynical about offering support these days.

As for it being her "perception". It was very enlightening to read what her perception was on the situation. And more than that it was enlightening to read her whole attitude towards my eldest and me - as in person to me she was being pleasant.

And more than that it was enlightening to read her whole attitude towards my eldest and me - as in person to me she was being pleasant.

That's a good thing, yes?

Aren't adults expected to "act like grown ups" and put aside their feelings for the good of the DCs?

You're not suggesting you'd prefer your DS stepmum to mirror the feelings she may hold about your and your DS in her behaviour towards you?

Is that whole post to me? I don't have a ds.

Apologies, I misread and assumed DS, when in fact it is DC.

TheMumsRush if you stay around I will pop my head in from time to time

Getting back to your OP, it is a place which attracts negative comments and harsh words, and posters who want to rule the board with a set way of thinking, and would probably rather SMs didnt have a place to post at all,

however there are some step parents here with rich and varied experience and wisdom, who will happily lend an ear and give advice - a lot have been driven away it's true, but there's still hope that a few remain who understand.

Oh and have at the ready a hide poster button, just in case.

and posters who want to rule the board with a set way of thinking, and would probably rather SMs didnt have a place to post at all,

Do you really think so?

Surely anyone that intransigent would be a bit lost without a SP board?

(not at all an arsey question BTW, just trying to understand )

Yes Wakey, definitely a good thing. It meant that I had the whole picture, not just the one she was presenting face to face, and it meant that when the girls came home and told me she was being vile to them, and the things she was saying, I had already read how she felt about the situation for myself.

Yay! Fenton. You post that I linked really stuck with me, I didn't see how that could be, but I've learnt to just skip over certain posters (and I don't mean ones that are not saying what I want to hear), I didn't know about a hide button.

Well it is an imaginary hide button, but it does help.

Hang in there love, things can get better over time.

Oh! Haha, I shall use it :)

Hi MumsRush and Fenton

(Looks around furtively, checks for HQers)

There is a real hide button.

I use it for two posters that I cannot get past. They have nothing to say that I want to see. I think tbey are just GFs who like the sound of their own voices.

Only works on a desktop, so twatphones and iPads still show them, and of course you still get the jist of a post when other posters repeat or comment on it. Does my blood pressure the world of good though.

No, you're not one :)

addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/greasemonkey/

www.edochan.com/widgets/mumsnet/

You need to install Mozilla Firefox
Then add the grease monkey script (top one)
Then click on the mumsnet script to install it(second one)
Then restart Firefox
When you open mn thru Firefox, Ignore should be under the msg poster button

Ohhhh many thanks Eve

Thumbwitch - assume you are talking about me!

When the Dcs brought said ipad home and I realised it,yes I saw her moniker and believe me I sat for over an hour, went out, did the shopping etc before i switched it off and did not look at anything. My Ex is an IT geek and I am an IT retard - he would have been able to see what I accessed - and I thus maintained my position of moral superiority!!!!!!!!!!!!

Having said that I then looked at some of said monikers posts later, as any user of this website can, nothing illegal in that. I have had a fairly horrific time on a number of fronts, family, health etc and said moniker has posted these issues as her own - yes this is fantasist. She has role reversed so the sympathy is with her as the ill, struggling etc - when the reality is so different. So "her perception" wakey - is not a perception it is a delusion - because I sure as hell know her DCs have not had the health issues, deaths in the family, workplace incidents - they are sadly all owned by me.

I have learnt from some of the posts - about how people react to the situations presented and how I have been vilified.

Part of me regrets turning it off, the other half knows, that I am better person for doing what I did and I sleep at night with no guilty conscience., but oh I still wish, I had!!!!!!!!!!!

I struggle everyday not to slag my EX off to DCs - hey, only 32 days since they last saw him, 2 months since they had an ON and yes he has had 3.5 weeks of leave in this time and taken his "other" family to the Caribbean - can not afford to take them all! I bite my tongue - because my DCS love their undeserving Dad - but do I understand how parent alienation can happen - oh yes I can.