Honestly, this board is not a nice place

[TheMumsRush]

Sick of goady fuckers, trolls and people coming to bash SM from all angles! Some of the "advise" is shocking. If you try it's "step back, not your kids!" But if you don't it's "you're cold and the kids know it". And god forbid you just have a rant that you can't in RL. I see the same posters with the same SM hating shite!

Yes where and having read that thread it appears to have descended in to exactly what's been discussed here.
Maybe a new one would too but I'm a big believer in fresh starts.

Sometimes challenging someone, regardless of their status among their mates, is a very good thing to do. Chipping in just to be goady, on the other hand, is bad whenever it's done.

So trying to prevent contributions (rather than prevent goading) isn't the right way to go about things.

Thing is, there are quiches on MN where challenging someone is seen as goady and it is prevented.
Take the example I used up thread to MNHQ.

If I posted here, or in AIBU, that I suspected my DSC mum was suffering from BPD, I'd be crucified. That kind of armchair diagnosis is not acceptable to some MN members and the thread would be derailed as a debate ensued about personality disorders, the disrespect of labelling someone, not being qualified, yada, yada, yada.
However, armchair diagnosis is accepted on the Stately Homes thread. No one who is offended wades in and challenges the armchair diagnosis of a daughter at the end of her tether with an abusive mother. All the same values and reasoning applies - but that particular quiche are left alone to deal with their own issues in their own way.
Similarly, in teens -there are long standing threads for parents dealing with extreme situations and at times of stress they vent and download a lot of anger and frustration towards their DCs.
And have you seen what happens if you challenge the LP quiche?

It's clear from the comments on this thread that a stepparent quiche would not be shown the same respect.

I know why - I'm infamous for my explanations of "social conditioning" in relation to Stepmothers - what frustrates me is the state of denial many MNers are in about that!

I have just realized we have completely taken over this thread
OP hasn't been back for ages.....Sorry OP

I know why - I'm infamous for my explanations of "social conditioning" in relation to Stepmothers - what frustrates me is the state of denial many MNers are in about that!

You can't oblige everyone to see it that way, though.

Maybe she'll pop back soon Floss

She's probably ran away shaking her head saying 'yep I was right'

Wakey your take on 'the step family' is quite specific, quite definite. Why don't you lay it all out for us on a thread? So people can really see what it is you are espousing, rather than picking it up in chunks on other threads, as I have, as I assume most of us have?

Then people could ask questions and maybe understand better.

Just an idea.

She's probably ran away shaking her head saying 'yep I was right'

I wouldn't blame her, but maybe this thrashing out will prove productive

"Thing is, there are quiches on MN where challenging someone is seen as goady and it is prevented."

If the mere act of ever challenging is seen by the quiche as being goady, then (IME) that's the quiche being wrong.

Obviously it depends on whether the challenge is actually intended to goad - even the most innocent sounding Q can be made goady by repeating it over and over, for example.

But in your example about armchair diagnosis, it's perfectly possible to challenge that with, "You're not really in a position to diagnose a personality disorder unless you're that person's doctor. But it's useful to read about that disorder if the person is behaving similar to the description, because the ways of managing them may also be similar."

BTW, that's my real opinion ^ as well as an example.

Armchair diagnosis annoys me, but I mostly don't challenge it where there's little possibility to do RL harm.

If someone's in a situation where it looks like the "armchair diagnosis" is itself a form of abuse, I'm more likely to stir myself. (Tho' as I don't post much anyway, other posters often get there first. I've been drafting and deleting on this thread quite a lot before deciding to bite the bullet and post.)

sorry of i am being really dim what what do you mean by mn quiche? to me a quiche is a pastry case filled with egg cheese and an assortment of other stuff

There's a sm support thread on here, currently active with over 300 posts. It looks like its a safe place to vent and it also looks like its left alone. Isn't that thread just quietly getting on with being a stately home type thread?

Wakey your take on 'the step family' is quite specific, quite definite. Why don't you lay it all out for us on a thread? So people can really see what it is you are espousing, rather than picking it up in chunks on other threads, as I have, as I assume most of us have?

I'm not sure what you are asking for, arsenic - I have, as an individual, experience of two very different step-family models?

If you mean my views on detachment, which I was asked about earlier on this thread, then I did start another thread explaining when and why I believe it is better for a stepmum to detach.....The thread is about implacable hostility, or parental alienation, which I know is still not universally accepted as a phenomenon by all regular posters on this board.

Or, do you mean my support for the social research into the attitudes towards stepmums? The reasons why traditional fairy stories were altered to stereotype the stepmum as wicked and evil? Again, a pov that isn't unanimously accepted and is often challenged here (and mocked on other threads) - but, these things take time.

Quiche is an MN typo for clique, wheres - it stuck.

Like a flask mob, but long-lasting.

Mmm, that's made me think of eclairs again (long in length, short in duration).

thanks pausing I did wonder if it was a typo but glad I asked!

I suppose I'm thinking your particular blend of socio-cultural theories of the SM, legal documents, your subscription to theories of parental alienation, your advocacy of detachment/withdrawal all seem to meld into a philosophy that is fairly unique to you Wakey, or so it seems. But it is hard to get a handle on the whole from scraps here and there.

As you have just said, you are frustrated that others don't also subscribe to the same analysis.

I just had the off the cuff thought that describing your position might help others to decide whether they agree or not.

Or, do you mean my support for the social research into the attitudes towards stepmums? The reasons why traditional fairy stories were altered to stereotype the stepmum as wicked and evil? Again, a pov that isn't unanimously accepted and is often challenged here (and mocked on other threads) - but, these things take time.

Some people find a theoretical approach helpful (proven theory or not, and this is cultural theory, right?) and others just don't. A lot of SMs just want practical strategies and camaraderie.

Why do you feel that any viewpoint needs to be universally accepted?

I'm a bit concerned that you're setting yourself up for inevitable frustration Wakey

I haven't yet run through this entire thread of 293 posts :)

What I can say is I joined simply to get some advice on my situation with BF and his DC, as I didn't know where else to go.

I was met with honest, fair, constructive and supportive responses. So in my experience, it;s not bad. This topic is so emotive but from what I have seen, it's the people here are lovely and their comments, advice and possibly slightly tough love really helped me out.

Hurrah for wine!

I think challenging other peoples views is generally a good thing - it's when it goes on for pages and pages and pages back and forth long after the OP has fled that it becomes an issue.

I would welcome a separate support thread - and maybe a livelier one for non-specific debate would help keep it off the threads.

I think sometimes we need to agree to disagree. I also think that some times the tone can be very negative in some posts - the whole 'it'll never get better, you're doomed, LTB' etc.

I also think that being a step-parent is such a varied experience; it's important to recognise that other peoples experiences are valid even though they don't tie in with their own.

I also think that being a step-parent is such a varied experience; it's important to recognise that other peoples experiences are valid even though they don't tie in with their own.

And that 99% of posters are sincere and mean well.

I will have that

But it is hard to get a handle on the whole from scraps here and there.

I've had a few and wouldn't attempt to explain it even if I hadn't

Suffice to say, my views are not, by any means, fixed - every day I read or experience something that challenges my opinions and beliefs and I reevaluate them accordingly. Looking back on posts I made here even a year ago, my opinions and pov have changed and evolved.

I do regularly read the judgements published on family law week - a very interesting insight into the workings and current ethos of the family court system.

Why do you feel that any viewpoint needs to be universally accepted?

When it comes to parental alienation/implacable hostility, it's because I don't consider it a theory, I consider it a real, actual condition that severely damages children. The fact that the british family court system (one of the most cynical in the world) now accepts and recognises it only increases my conviction.
Like depression, personality disorders, PTSD and other psychological conditions, it will take a while to be accepted by society, but I am convinced that within my lifetime, it will be a recognised form of child abuse.

As for the socio-cultural therory that stepmums have been vilified by society for generations - I've yet to see any other explaination, convincing or otherwise, for the evidence presented. There are so many facts that the theory explains that I'm unwilling to accept the alternative, which seems to be that it is no more than unfortunate coincidence.

I'm here

Glad to see you, TheMums.

Its not scary here, is it ?