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Original poster

Spousification / miniwife is real and not a pseudo science

248 replies

truthwithin · 10/08/2014 03:52

I have read some threads recently that mock SMs for suggesting their Dsds are miniwives.

Whilst some of these threads are typed in a moment of despair or anger and may come across as jealous or hateful, living with it is both detrimental to child and partner.

I only have experience of father / daughter spousification and, although this has been managed over the years, still causes tension and hostility every now and again.

Backstory: DP left Dsd18 at the age of 4 and in another country at to be with ExW, ( yes I know it's shitty & have told DP so myself).

DP left ExW when Dsd10 was 4, (reoccurring theme, I know), and the guilt of his first breakup has followed him. DP has said he regrets leaving Dsd18, although they are building a relationship now.

From the age of 4 till now DSD10 gets told she is the most important little lady in his life. I don't particularly like that as DP does have an older female child.

DP had 4 yrs of non-stable relationships, non of whom were introduced to Dsd10 and effectively they existed as a single unit. For part of this time DSD10 also lived full time with DP.

DP has deferred to Dsd10:

What car he drives. Expensive convertible, soon changed for something more practical.

Our first home. I didn't realise DP had already viewed it with DSD10 and found it acceptable.

Family pet, again a stealth viewing.

Things have got better over the years but DP does occasionally defer adult decisions to Dsd10, instead of discussing as a family or as adult choices.

DSD10 does sometimes see me as a rival for DPs affection, even though it is a totally different type of love. ie: DP cannot touch or be near me when Dsd10 is here. DSD10 will actually kiss DP and then check to see if I'm looking and smirk.

Dsd10 will want to check any items we are buying, sofa, car etc. are Ok.

DSD10 must be sat next to DP, holding his hand & being spoon fed at any function that requires eating. Any other female s that approach are given lasers, including DPs own mother!

Tbh, I just leave them to it now as DP is oblivious & I enjoy the peace & quiet.

It has taken me some time to realise that DSD10 is probably jealous of the affection between myself & DP and I am better off leaving them to their own relationship, however I know many SMs will notice a significant change in their DPs behavior towards them when Dsc are around.

OP posts:
WakeyCakey45 · 10/08/2014 12:15

But 'mini wife' implys that the issue is the child adopting a wife role.

In the same way as the term sexualised behaviour implies the child is making the choice?

It's a way of describing a collection of behaviours - the motive for which and cause of lies in the abuse that the child has been subject to.

Deluge · 10/08/2014 12:15

Only read the OP. Creating a stupid label for the child based on the shabby actions of a grown man is really poor behaviour.

Pagwatch · 10/08/2014 12:19

Sexualised does actually suggest that something outside the childs control has gone awry. Most people hearing 'the child exhibited sexualised behaviour' would consider it likely that the child is a victim in some way.

Mini wife sounds like a calculating choice a child has made. And it has overtones which are deeply unpleasant.
I don't know why that is hard to understand.

FlossyMoo · 10/08/2014 12:20

Sorry Wakey but that is a poor example.

Yes a child who displays inappropriate behaviour when they are sexually abused is sometimes referred to as sexualised however that label in no way blames the child. It is descriptive and means what it says, it does not leave it open to interpretation.

MWS is used for all manner of circumstances & behaviours on here and because it is used incorrectly and so frequently as the answer it can be interpreted any way the person using it chooses. That to me is damaging and solves nothing.

Original poster
truthwithin · 10/08/2014 12:21

scottishmummy as I said not all research papers were helpful. It did at least give me a starting point of where I was going wrong in dealing with the situation.

Yes the term mini wife may be inflammatory, but it is used by other SMs and the OP shouldn't be vilified for using it.

Carer, confidant, decision maker - these are things a spouse would normally do.

OP posts:
WakeyCakey45 · 10/08/2014 12:22

I don't know why that is hard to understand.

Because that's your opinion.

Personally, I've always considered the term sexualised behaviour unpleasant when applied to children - it does, to me, imply a choice in the part of the child - they are in control of their actions and choose to behave in a sexual way.

So, what's the difference?

FlossyMoo · 10/08/2014 12:25

I've always considered the term sexualised behaviour unpleasant when applied to children - it does, to me, imply a choice in the part of the child - they are in control of their actions and choose to behave in a sexual way.

You honestly think that Wakey Shock

Please retract that statement as I cannot accept somebody of your intelligence would actually think that. You have completely changed by view of you with that sentence.

scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 12:27

So you know the term is inflammatory,but hey its ok,because its in common use
Again,your absolutely missing the point.you continue to demonise a 10yo
Your malaise,your issue is your adult husband.for whatever reason,youre avoidant.so child become the issue

MorrisZapp · 10/08/2014 12:29

Thats very very weird, wakey.

Professionals use the term sexualized behaviour and I think the meaning couldnt be clearer. I see absolutely zero judgement or blame of a child in that term.

But mini wife? Eww. It's just horrible. And gendered, but what else is new.

Original poster
truthwithin · 10/08/2014 12:29

scottishmummy I'm not sure you really understand where I'm coming from and there is a chance this thread will be derailed over the use of one term. I'll agree to disagree.

Anyway ladies and gents. Where do I go from here? Any tips on how to approach DP and how I can keep the parent / child dynamic on track.

I'm pretty exhausted and should I even be interfering?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 10/08/2014 12:32

OP, there is so much support available on here, but this thread will not serve you well now, due to the inflammatory term in your OP.

Start a new thread? Start it by describing how your dps actions and attitudes have created your current problems.

You will get genuine advice.

scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 12:33

Theres many things you don't get op.you called a 10yo mini-wife.your term of reference
Theres loads wrong in your posts,not simply that one term
The adult relationship is dysfunctional,and the child is the object of derision

Fairenuff · 10/08/2014 12:37

Yes the term mini wife may be inflammatory, but it is used by other SMs and the OP shouldn't be vilified for using it.

Actually, OP, think about all the terms that are no longer used because they are offensive or inflammatory, especially with regards to race, disability and sexual orientation.

Sometimes we have to open our minds and realise that we have to stop using these terms and find another, more appropriate, way to describe individuals. Just because other people do it, doesn't make it right.

basgetti · 10/08/2014 12:37

I'm not surprised you're exhausted. Is your partner looking up articles and seeking online advice to correct his woeful parenting? I doubt it. The day I tie myself in knots trying to resolve my partner's emotional abuse of his child would be the day I LTB.

scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 12:38

Start new thread by all means,but if you continue to blame and demonise 10yo itll be same
Your issue is your husband.clearly you're unhappy.address that

FlossyMoo · 10/08/2014 12:39

I think you should interfere as the behaviours affect you too.

Talking to DP is going to be the hardest bit. He will see any suggestion from you as a criticism of his parenting even though he needs to change.

I would probably think of statements/questions to put to him then leave him alone to think about it as appose to sitting down and going through it all at once.

For example:

'Does it worry you that DSD is growing up too quickly?'

He will probably ask what you mean and you can give an example such as 'well when we are bringing her in to adult discussions and decision making I worry that we are asking too much of her and she feels that she cannot just be a child'.

If you can leave him with that and change the subject. He may respond better than if you just sit down and go through what he is doing wrong.

Original poster
truthwithin · 10/08/2014 12:40

scottishmummy at no point have I actually called Dsd10 a miniwife on this thread. I have said i am experiencing father / daughter spousification and this causes issues.

Derision? Dysfunctional? Very sweeping comments. No our family is not all sunshine & lollipops, I would be very surprised to come across one that was.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 10/08/2014 12:41

WakeyCakey

I'm struggling to take anything you say seriously after that tbh.

scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 12:44

Ok,so carefully re-read your thread,comments about the child.they are harsh and derisory
All this focus on the child,it a diversion.stops you addressing the issue him
Even on thread issue is the child,the actual issue is you and him.the adult relationship thats not working

Original poster
truthwithin · 10/08/2014 12:45

FlossyMoo Thanks. I think that does sound like the best approach. So far it has been trial & error. Sometimes me putting my big foot in it, sometimes DP.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 10/08/2014 12:49

Because I simply can't let this kind of crap go unchallenged happybird.

I agree with every word SM has said.

I don't understand why those who defend the use of the term "mini wife" can't see that relinquishing it's use would see you get all the support you need. Why is it so important to you to have the right to use it unchallenged? Can you not see that your belief in it and wish to use it is victim blaming of a CHILD caught up in a situation of adult dynamics that they have no hope of negotiating?

FlossyMoo · 10/08/2014 12:50

It is rubbish that you are not the root cause yet you are the one that is putting in the emotional effort to sort it out.

Her behaviours to me seem born out of insecurity/a need to belong in this new family (I know it is not new as such).
I also think DH has gone over the top in the wrong direction to squash those insecurities by involving her in all aspects of family life including the adult stuff. This has now resulted in DSD not really knowing where she fits in.

LittleBearPad · 10/08/2014 12:52

The root cause is that DH has put no effort into parenting his daughter. Why would he make any effort now to sort anything out.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 10/08/2014 12:55

Bloody hell. The child isn't a "mini wife". She wouldn't have asked from age 4 to be involved in these decisions. Your partner is the one responsible for this. 100% of the blame lies at his feet.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 10/08/2014 12:56

And as a side note - just because some other SPs use the term doesn't make it right. I find it quite vulgar actually.