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Original poster

DH bring SD away for night

191 replies

stepontoes · 07/08/2014 12:07

Hi,
I'm new to this forum.
Can I run something by you that I'm totally confused by? My DH is taking his daughter (my step daughter who doesnt live with us) away for a day together as she normally goes on holidays with her biological mother and we go on holiday with our kids. She is 17 years of age, tall and slim and is always stuck to his side and quite touchy feely with him. He tells me they may stay the night somewhere. Do you think its ok for them to share a twin room or should they get two separate rooms? I'm so confused as find this step parenting is a minefield of emotions and so glad that there is a forum like this for other step-mothers as unless you are a step mother yourself it is very hard for others to understand the complex emotions you go through! Also, none of my friends are step mothers!
Thanks a lot
stepontoes

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WakeyCakey45 · 07/08/2014 22:44

"She has every right to feel that way"

No she doesn't, she has no right at all to cast those kinds of aspersions onto a father/daughter relationship.

What has MN, and in particular the SP board become? Sad

A place where posters can no longer express their feelings because they will be told they have no right to them and they must change how they feel immediately, in order not to offend.

How sad.

Her feelings cast no aspersions. Others may believe they understand them, but how can they know what the OP is feeling? Feelings are unique to the person who owns them.

OP - please don't be scared off. Your feelings are yours, and your alone. They are not wrong; how can they be? They are yours, no one else's.

crispsanddips · 07/08/2014 22:45

This is hilarious.

My dad came to visit me as I live in another country, we did a bit of travelling. For three nights we shared a twin room in a hotel room. I didn't even look to book double rooms because obviously that'd be way more expensive and we wanted money to hire bikes/go on a boat ride/eat at nice places/etc. It was exactly like when I shared a twin room with my mum a few months before, get changed in bathroom, etc. It's no biggie, it's just for a night or two not a permanent living situation.

ashtrayheart · 07/08/2014 22:47

A father and daughter sharing a room is no different to a mother and daughter, anyone having an issue with this, well, has issues!

NickiFury · 07/08/2014 22:50

"What has MN and in particular the SP board become? Sad"

Somewhere with a bit of balance where posters who are jealous of their DH's relationships with their CHILDREN are told to get a grip
and thank goodness for that.

GrainDeMalice · 07/08/2014 22:56

Op seems to have vanished...

slithytove · 07/08/2014 22:57

Feelings can indeed be wrong.

If op's husband had feelings for his daughter which were as OP implies that would be very wrong.

To feel that your husband/DSD might have an inappropriate relationship based on them sharing a twin room, is wrong.

wheresthelight · 07/08/2014 23:04

Wow some people are being nasty today!!

The op never casted any aspersions on the relationship she merely said that dsd seems overly close and physically clingy to her dad and it makes the op uncomfortable. I think I would feel odd about that too. Especially if I was being made to feel unwelcome in my own home and like I was intruding on their moment. That is nothing to do with anything remotely sexually orientated just the power struggle between kids and step parents.

The op has every right to her feelings just as everyone has the right to agree or disagree with her. But so e of these posts are down right nasty

Deverethemuzzler · 07/08/2014 23:07

You are one of the very few posters who read the OP in that way.

Why did she feel the need to describe the dd's appearance?

Maybe83 · 07/08/2014 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crispsanddips · 07/08/2014 23:44

btw I'm 23 and my dad is 48.
He has a girlfriend and if she was not happy with me sharing a twin room with my dad I would think she was bonkers and probably hint to my dad to get rid of her for being so controlling/having such strange thought processes!

slithytove · 07/08/2014 23:48

She is 17 years of age, tall and slim and is always stuck to his side and quite touchy feely with him.

What relevance does the tall and slimness have? Also this is a daughter who doesn't get to live with her dad or apparently even holiday with him. Why shouldn't she stick to his side when she sees him? Would this be seen as an issue if she were younger? Or short and fat?

I did voice my concerns to my DH saying "wouldn't it look a bit strange you and your 17 year old daughter checking into a hotel room together?"

Why would it look strange? Unless someone is adding a sexual element to this? For all posters saying that OP hasn't made it about sex - please can you tell me why it is strange otherwise?

I don't think my husband should be sharing a room with another female adult other than me!

Again, why not? Surely this points to a fear of an inappropriate relationship? What if he slept in the same room as his sister or his mum?

Also, when SD is in our house, it's awkward showing affection to my husband eg a quick hug or kiss with her looking on as she is jealous of her father like I've read most daughters are when living in separate house. She is always nuzzling up beside him!

Sounds like this is op's issue not DSD's. And I notice it's not DSD's house? She must feel very displaced when visiting. And as for the nuzzling, this makes me so sad. I still 'nuzzle' up to both of my parents and will be very sad the day my kids somehow deem it inappropriate. Again, will op's kids be allowed to 'nuzzle'?

Call the replies nasty if you want, this is a nasty thread with upsetting connotations about affectionate parental relationships. I wish wish wish OP could come back and use the responses to maybe amend her thinking. There is no way this could be construed as anything other than an accusation of impropriety.

PollyCazaletWannabe · 07/08/2014 23:52

I'm short, dark, gay, female and 34.
My aunt is also short but blonde (dyed) and 84.
We shared a room on holiday. Is that inappropriate, as I'm gay?

emotionsecho · 08/08/2014 00:02

OP would you feel ok with your dh sharing a room with a daughter you had together? would you feel it inappropriate if a daughter you had together was very affectionate to your dh? If the answer to those questions is "no" then it is the same answer for your dsd. If your answer is "yes" then I think you have serious trust issues with your dh.

Also, when SD is in our house, it's awkward showing affection to my husband eg a quick hug or kiss with her looking on as she is jealous of her father like I've read most daughters are when living in separate house.

Wherever are you reading that? I suggest you stop reading whatever it is as it is filling your head with all sorts of strange notions.

slithytove · 08/08/2014 00:05

It's ok Polly, you are short.

PollyCazaletWannabe · 08/08/2014 00:11

Ah, thanks slithy. Glad you cleared that up :)

bloodyteenagers · 08/08/2014 00:13

All my children still come and nuzzle with me. The eldest is 21 and male..he doesn't live at home. He does it for a bit of comfort because he misses me. We have been away together, just the two of us, there was a problem with where we would originally stay and we ended up in a twin room. The hotel didn't have concerns, why should they?
Or is that fine because I am him mum? I know many people have weird opinions on relationships with fathers and daughters because of warped stereotypes. Surely this cannot be what some of the people on here are on about. These weird stereotypes because really, grow up.

mynewpassion · 08/08/2014 04:19

You know one way to solve this problem: Take her away on holiday with you, DH, and your DCs.

I hope one of the children you do have is not a daughter because if I were you, I would be scared and worried. You make him sound like a sexual predator to young girls, especially towards his own daughter.

mynewpassion · 08/08/2014 04:23

Put it that way, it sounds ridiculous, right? Because it is ridiculous.

WakeyCakey45 · 08/08/2014 06:31

Feelings can indeed be wrong.

No. Feelings are never wrong. The way a person behaves in response to their feelings can be wrong - in as much as their actions hurt, offend or damage someone else. But feeling something is not something that should be judged. Feelings are unique to individuals.

Once feelings are subject to judgement, control and regulation, then we no longer live in a free society.

Kaluki · 08/08/2014 07:57

Agree. In fact 'gut' feelings can often tell us something that we don't necessarily see. Maybe the OP feels that the DSD is the one being a bit inappropriate as teenage girls can be. I remember flirting shamelessly with a cousin at that age, nothing sinister just practicing on someone safe!

Perhaps the DSD is manipulating the situation to make the OP feel threatened!
I took the reference to her being tall and slim to mean that she's obviously not a child anymore.
There are lots of possible scenarios but since the OP has done one we will never know will we!!

ashtrayheart · 08/08/2014 08:04

We knew the sd's age so telling us she is tall and slim was not relevant. You can be 17, short and fat, or 13, tall and slim!

SureFootedWhispher · 08/08/2014 08:07

As a step parent I think this is rather silly. I'd even share a room with my adult male step children if I HAD to. I'm very short though so I guess it doesn't count.

Really, she is his daughter. I would not care if my DH shared a room with his daughter, sister, mother or grandmother. What age does it become wrong, or is it dependent on physical apperance?

That being said, at 17 I would not want to share, but i'm an introvert and was not close to my dad.

Hakluyt · 08/08/2014 08:45

"Agree. In fact 'gut' feelings can often tell us something that we don't necessarily see"

Gut feelings also can often tell us something that isn't actually there!

BlackWings · 08/08/2014 08:51

I'm 41 and just spent a week sharing a tent with my Dad and my son. We spent our days on the beach where I wore (brace yourself OP) a bikini-in front of my dad Shock. Yep we're all about free loving in my family

slithytove · 08/08/2014 09:01

Therefore, how ops DH and DSD feel is not wrong,