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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DH bring SD away for night

191 replies

stepontoes · 07/08/2014 12:07

Hi,
I'm new to this forum.
Can I run something by you that I'm totally confused by? My DH is taking his daughter (my step daughter who doesnt live with us) away for a day together as she normally goes on holidays with her biological mother and we go on holiday with our kids. She is 17 years of age, tall and slim and is always stuck to his side and quite touchy feely with him. He tells me they may stay the night somewhere. Do you think its ok for them to share a twin room or should they get two separate rooms? I'm so confused as find this step parenting is a minefield of emotions and so glad that there is a forum like this for other step-mothers as unless you are a step mother yourself it is very hard for others to understand the complex emotions you go through! Also, none of my friends are step mothers!
Thanks a lot
stepontoes

OP posts:

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Whereisegg · 07/08/2014 17:54

Kaluki I agree with you totally, but for me it was the op talking about the dsd's build/figure/appearance.
For me, adding that detail says so much about how the op really feels.

Deverethemuzzler · 07/08/2014 17:56

Oh right Petal that would bee why so many hundreds of families are immediately moved into adequate accommodation the moment their children get to the age of 8.

Seriously this is a weird thread.

Father shares twin room with 17 year old daughter shock!

It is a twin room, not a double bed.

The fact her appearance has been made an issue says it all really.

Why you need to be a sm to consider the OP's question is odd.

I have a daughter, she has a father. They have shared rooms.

slithytove · 07/08/2014 18:30

Kaluki - we have no idea if this is an over affectionate relationship or not - and what is one of those anyway?

Dad dances with me, I will sit on his knee, strokes my head if I'm poorly, will give foot rubs etc. It suits us.

Some families don't hug or kiss at all. That suits them.

It's so far from inappropriate it makes me sad some would consider it so. I find the judgements that OP has made to be sad as well.

We have a DD on the way. I hope DH treats her no differently to DS in his physical affections.

TryingToBePractical · 07/08/2014 18:39

FIL loves sailing as does DH's [attractive] female cousin (MIL's sister's daughter). FIL in his 70s, cousin in her 40s. Neither MIL nor cousin's DP like sailing. In the last few years FIL and cousin have twice gone on sailing trips together as part of a group. They shared a twin berth fro cost reasons. No-one in the family thought it odd or inappropriate at all, but I am definitely going to wind up FIL about it next time!

Deverethemuzzler · 07/08/2014 18:42

My DD was utterly beautiful (although dark skinned so I don't know if that makes a difference)

Her dad shared her room on several occasions. Did her care and took her to the toilet.

Should I have been concerned?

FelicityFoxton · 07/08/2014 18:56

I've read it all now

Don't be so utterly ridiculous

MNHQ

EllenMumsnet · 07/08/2014 19:02

Just popping in to say 'evening to all. This is the OP's first post and we're grateful for your measured, friendly advice

Ber2291 · 07/08/2014 19:29

OP is jealous. It's understandable to a degree. Being a SM
Is hard (have been SD and SM, if that qualities me). But it just isn't fair. Lots of fathers have close relationships with their daughters that can make a SM feel left out (I definitely did, my dad would still ring me over his (very lovely) wife for advice a lot of the time). But unfortunately the SM has to
Just get over it (and I know this from being an SM, I have spent a lt of time playing second fiddle and have fully accepted it because they are his children, they are his world, as are our DC together). Trying to stop them from having a close relationship will ONLY end badly. You know
There is nothing 'inappropriate' going on you are just jealous and threatened by SD. I mean that with sympathy because it is a difficult situation. What is your relationship like with SD?

Kaluki · 07/08/2014 19:36

None of us really know if it's inappropriate do we.
The OP has said she feels uncomfortable with it and she has every right to feel that way.

NickiFury · 07/08/2014 19:57

"She has every right to feel that way"

No she doesn't, she has no right at all to cast those kinds of aspersions onto a father/daughter relationship.

Deverethemuzzler · 07/08/2014 20:00

What nicki said.

Why has she the right to hint at an improper relationship between a man and his daughter?

We all know this is what she is doing or she would never have mentioned the girl's appearance.

Its bloody weird is what it is.

slithytove · 07/08/2014 20:02

She has no right to feel that way if there is nothing untoward going on.

How awful to think that of a dad. And if she does, why be with him, why have kids with him!

This would really hurt me if someone said it to me about my dad. And I know it's not the done thing on mn, but I asked DH's opinion, and he was shocked and hoped OP hadn't voiced these thoughts to her husband, as they could be very damaging and hurtful.

I mean, what's the evidence? DSD sticks to his side, she is touchy feely, they might share a twin room? It hardly screams an incestuous affair.

This is his baby girl, he has changed her nappies, cuddled her through nightmares, and everything else which comes with being a parent. That doesn't stop with the introduction of puberty or a stepmum.

Petal02 · 07/08/2014 20:02

If the OP feels uncomfortable, who are we to tell her she has no right to feel like that?

Some of us get where's she's coming from, other people don't - but the OP is entitled to an opinion!

slithytove · 07/08/2014 20:03

Maybe she sticks to his side because she senses the odd feeling emanating from the OP. Maybe she is touchy feely (which lets face it, could mean anything - stroking hair or knee sitting, it doesn't mean knob grabbing!) because that's how she was brought up. And I think enough posters have addressed the twin room issue for it to be seen as normal.

I hope OP comes back.

slithytove · 07/08/2014 20:04

If she feels uncomfortable, she needs to address that internally. Not cast horrendous aspersions on a father daughter relationship.

NickiFury · 07/08/2014 20:05

Would it be ok for a man in this scenario to share a room with his sister or his Mum or his son (all are slim and tall ) . If yes, why? If not, why not?

Petal02 · 07/08/2014 20:08

The OP hasn't suggested anything incestuous, she just raised the appropriateness (or otherwise) of the two of them sharing a room.

slithytove · 07/08/2014 20:20

Nicki - yes, it would be fine

I would go so far as to say that a mum could share a room with her son, a brother with a sister, and any other familial relationship you care to mention.

I would share a room with anyone in my immediate family.

Petal - this "I don't think my husband should be sharing a room with another female adult other than me!" Is an odd thing to say in relation to his daughter. The implications are there, especially when she says the daughter is jealous of her.

Sounds the other way round to me.

Montegomongoose · 07/08/2014 20:22

I think the OP is either goading or very insecure.

She's implying some inappropriate aspects to this relationship, based on the fact her SD is attractive and finds the OP's constant hugging and kissing her father unpalatable.

Your OP and subsequent posts are snide and distasteful.

I suggest you ask your husband outright if he has lustful thoughts about his daughter and he can put your unpleasant thoughts to rest.

Poor girl.

Bakeoffshakeoff · 07/08/2014 20:24

If only the dd was ugly! Everything would be fine then

thebluehen · 07/08/2014 20:25

I can understand how the op feels. I have double standards on this one but I do think it depends on the relationship between parent and "child".

I have recently shared a twin room with my 16 yr old son when we went away. It seems mad to pay for two rooms. Obviously we use the bathroom to get changed etc and respect each other's privacy.

I would feel ok with my dp doing the same with dsd2 (aged 16) dss or dsd4. However I would feel very uncomfortable about him doing the same with dsd1. She's 18 but I don't think it's about he age or what she looks like. I have always felt that she's battling with me to be the "alpha " female at home and I suspect this is why I wouldn't like it. Even though I know their relationship isn't sexual, it still feels very uncomfortable to think of them sharing a room. It's like somewhere in my instincts she's a threat to my relationship.

Petal02 · 07/08/2014 20:27

I suppose it all boils down to whether you think father/adult daughter room-sharing is ok or not.

My DH has a daughter in her 20s. If they shared a room (not that they would) I would be uncomfortable, but I wouldn't think there was anything going on.

There's a huge difference between discomfort and incest allegations FFS!

Bakeoffshakeoff · 07/08/2014 20:29

What would you be uncomfortable with Petal?

jessiemummy28 · 07/08/2014 20:29

I went on holiday abroad with my dad when it was 19 and we shared a twin room... Not ideal but it was to keep costs down. Had no idea people would think this was odd?!

somewherebecomingrain · 07/08/2014 20:30

Meanies! This is all normal classic psychology for daughters to be in love with fathers. It is usually symbolic and a phase and entirely healthy but sometimes it goes wrong. This may have happened here. OP I am holding your hand - it's very delicate and sensitive and easy to get hysterical but actually it's pretty common xxx

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