I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

they may even come back to live for a while when they graduate.
I'm not taking issue with your post, Lunar, I do mostly agree with everything you have said. But I am highlighting this line, because it provides a very good example of part of the problem here.

Why would anyone (any of us, the DSC, the DH) assume that this would happen against the wishes of the OP?
My DSC will not be moving back in after the graduate university unless it is with my consent. That is not to say I would or would not give it - it is simply a statement of my (and thankfully my DH's) expectations.
The fact that OP is living in a situation where someone can say to her "they may even come back to live" with you as adults - that's dreadful. Of course she can say no to that. Any parent can, and any stepparent ought to be able to as well. If they choose not to, that is a choice.

All of those who say leave, get over it, stop being an arse, then all I can say, you have never been in the position I am in. Everyone's situation is different. I look at some peoples' threads on here, and I laugh at the pettiness, but I choose not to comment. So if you have nothing wise to say, then do not comment until you have knowledge of a particular situation!

You're right that I have never been in your exact situation.

But there are principles that can be applied to all situations.

One of those principles is that you can't change your DH; you can only change how you react to him. That might include deciding that you cannot live with him, temporarily or permanently.

There are thousands of people here who have recognised their unhappiness (different triggers, same outcome), given their OHs the chance to change, understood that they won't/can't, and then moved on.

May I suggest that you post in Relationships as well as in Step Parenting?

DiaDuit, I agree with you. I think that what is going on at the moment (as in, with these threads of OPs - and she may well tell me I am wrong) is that the OP is trying to wrap her head around the changes that have happened in her life. Support for her right now - as with any post on the relationship board, where these same patterns seem to develop - might mean offering her a space to vent and to "get ready" to make the changes and choices she needs to make - but when people get upset because a poster doesn't say "ok, I'll LTB", it doesn't really help anyone. I'm not trying to excuse the OP for being rude to people trying to help, but I do think it is honest to acknowledge that some people on the thread were not trying to help - they have posted on OP's threads before in not very nice ways. Her frustration with that is understandable too.

tapper - Perhaps it would help you to write down a list of exactly what pisses you off and who is really at the root of it. You have said you hate your stepchildren, that they are parasites, but it's not really them at fault, it's their spineless father who you now don't even think you like, and whom you hate coming home to.
For everyone's sake, especially your own, try to work out exactly who is to blame for exactly what it is that is pissing you off - IS it really your stepchildren or is it in fact your husband?
Or are you actually blaming your stepchildren for allowing their father to display his true colours to you?

Yes brdgrl. I agree with that. Some werent trying to help. Other were but became understandably frustrated with the OP's responses to them.

That aside, yes i can see that OP is still 'getting there' with her realisation. Ive been there myself with the 'I have to give it/him a proper chance' (i stayed far longer than i should have because of that sense of owing it a real chance).

Good advice thumbwitch

I look at my children and hope that they will grow into independent men capable of surviving and thriving in the world, but I will always be their safety net. they will know that if life doesn't go as planned they will be able to come home if needed. For all you know one of them could turn to their dad in 15/20 years time needing him again

Well in 20 years time, I will be 70, so probably couldn't care less, or perhaps dead from alcohol according to some of you!

I left home at 18 and never turned back. The culture these days makes me very angry. Why should "children" in their 30's need to go home unless a very drastic situation arises?

Also to be honest, in 15-20 years time, they will have at least grown up and hopefully be a rounded mature adult, which sorts of contradicts why they should have to come back.

The message above is being delivered by a parent with unconditional love. I do not have that parental/child bonding. I chose to help my partner in time of need for a set period of time. I do not wish to have a 20 year childlike burden put upon me, and hopefully it will not happen.

Probably not anyway, as I can not see a future in this relationship as many of you choose to make it quite clear.

Actually that makes for an interesting different subject; how so many of you feel the need to run at the first obstacle in a marriage, rather than make it work. Hence the high divorce statistics IMHO.

OP you are insulting people again.
YOU have said so many times that you were leaving. Dont try to make out that other people suggesting the same thing are responsible for high divorce rates or somehow dont try hard enough. And really, this is far from the first obstacle in your marriage.

You really do need to consider your own attitude (to everyone) and ask if it is helping or hindering you in dealing with your situation.

Dia FGS, I am NOT insulting people, I am entitled to an opinion. I could say things about you that would be considered an insult, but I do not dare go there.

fWIW, this IS the first obstacle in my marriage, or do you live in a closet in our house.

Maybe I say I am leaving because I am at the end of my tether. I do NOT want to leave but I do not see any options.

Please stop being so critical towards me, it does not help and definitely does not endear me towards you.

Im not worried about endearing you towards me

You are insulting people when you say that their advice to you, to leave this awful relationship, is reason for high divorce rates and suggesting they are advising to run at the first obstacle instead of working at it.

so many of you feel the need to run at the first obstacle in a marriage, rather than make it work. Hence the high divorce statistics IMHO.

It is clear that you are desperately unhappy in your marriage at the moment, but you are right, that is not a reason to give up. It is quite possible to turn a marriage around and rebuild the partnership that once existed.

But, that takes time, effort and commitment from both spouses. You can't turn this marriage around on its own.

Is your DH happy? Does he know you are unhappy? Is he willing to commit time to change that? Unless both of you are committed to saving the marriage, then it can't be saved, can it?

Dia that is not an insult, its a statistic, and poor advice, as most people run at the first hurdle. I do not class that as an insult, purely a point of view that a lot of posters obviously just give up.

Wakey I am unhappy but I desperately want my marriage to work. There is a difference. That is why I do not want to go. My husband is generally a lovely person to be with, but I do not agree with his attitude around me and parenting. He wraps them in cotton wool and refuses to let them grow up, and doesnt listen to me, going on the defence the whole time, when I say the simplest of things, such as "what is your son doing today, does he have to spend 24/7 in his room, why cant you encourage him to do something else?"

Why do you care what his son does, Tapper? You've said you hate the stepchildren, so why do you care what they do so long as they're not in your face?

It is insulting because you are implying that the people giving you advice here are suggesting to run at the first obstacle and that they are responsible for the high divorce rate. This is not your first obstacle because it isnt even just one obstacle. It is several culminating in an unbearable (for all) situation. It is your step dcs arriving on you full time, it is their teenage behaviours, it is your DHs way of dealing with them, it is your attitude to them, it is his refusal to try and improve things, and these have been going on for over 18 months now. Like i said, advising you to leave now is not advising you to run at the first obstacle, because this is far from the first obstacle.

Never mind other people and the divorce rates, you are distracting from the purpose of the thread and alienating those who are trying to help you.

I don't think the OP actually hates her step kids - I think she hates the situation she's in, and hates the fact that her DH is so useless. I used to resent my DSS, but now that he's been away at Uni for a year, I've had chance to think clearly about the situation, and realise that the problem was caused entirely by DH's Disney behaviour.

OP why does it matter what SDS is doing? Surely it is preferable to you if he is in his room and out of your way? You objected a while back to SDD being in the kitchen at the same time as you. Wouldnt you have preferred she stay in her room?

"what is your son doing today, does he have to spend 24/7 in his room, why cant you encourage him to do something else"

And actually this is not the 'simplest thing' its a dig. No wonder he was defensive to this comment, you were having a go at him.

I chose to help my partner in time of need for a set period of time

What was the agreed time period OP?

My first thought when I read the op, honestly?

This is just someone bitter trying to make step parents out to be terrible people.

The following posts haven't really made me change my mind...

So, split up, sell the house and go your separate ways with half the money each. He's clearly not going to suddenly start listening to your opinions on his children.

It sounds to me like he tries to be best friends with them by never doing any actual parenting, and setting you up as the 'bad guy', ganging up with them against you so that he has something in common with them, ie, a common enemy.

I don't know why you'd want to stay in that situation.

I think whatever the stepchildren or your DH do it won't make any difference because it is their very presence in your home in the first place that you object to. If they are in the kitchen they are in your way but if they hide out in their rooms you are also annoyed.

I remember your early posts and you very clearly enjoyed the fact that your DH had been an uninvolved father because it allowed you to have a more or less child free life. For many women the lack of bothering with his own children would have been off putting but for you his stepping up and taking responsibility is what you don't like.

I'm not actually sure what your husband is doing wrong, apart from objecting to the constant snipes and anger about his children's existence.

Petal02 I agree with your comment, thank you.

Fairenuff It was a period to get them through their education without them having to look after their mother. There was no set period of time as such, maybe my bad. However, it was sort of an unwritten agreement that it would be until the last "young adult" finishes their fulltime compulsory education at 18-19 years old. University is a whole new ball game in the eyes of the law.

I don't want any obligations after that, they will be adults. Their Dad left them 10.5 years ago. He did not expect to pay maintenance after the age of 19. He would be there for them, but did not predict full time, like we have now.

But Tapper, you ignored my question. I'm sure your DH is a "lovely person", but does he know you are unhappy? Is he willing to invest time to rebuild your relationship?

If he isn't, then no matter how much you want to make your marriage work, it won't. Because a marriage is made up of two people - and when one stops caring, or doesn't try, then the marriage is over - even if the other person doesn't want it to end.

I completely agree with you brdgrl, the op has every right to a say if an adult moves into her home. I guess my point is, is it worth having to face this situation?

Is it worth getting through all this for however many more years, then working out if you and your dh can still make things work when for the rest of your life there is the potential for it to all start up again. Rapper has every right to say no to them coming back but where would that leave the marriage if this happened?

I feel desperate sorry for you op because you are having such a rough time. If you make a decision to leave the marriage, you have not failed, you are doing everything ou can to make it work. Your dh is burying his head in the sand.

Your life is your life and you have every right to be happy. I think the only person who can make this happen, because the actions of your husband have made it clear that he is not going to do anything to change things.

I choose to ignore the rest of you because you have not moved on from my earlier posts which were a way of dealing with something I could not comprehend and found alien after never having had children, let alone late teens.

I have moved on in the past year and have different issues, most of the original things I have detached from or choose to ignore now.

The fact that a few of you (a) remember what I said, and (b) have probably looked them up again, makes me feel very sad that you cant have much of a life, and that you want to continue to be vindictive, and not let me move on, and try to sort my life out as it is in the current day.