I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

If you feel like that I would take the only option and walk away.

Someone is bound to put their children first- it is unconditional love. Love for a partner is conditional.

Sorry to see things are still the same OP.

You are still on this merry go round.

OP you are angry at your situation but if you come on here expecting everyone to agree with you, don't because that isn't going to happen.
Becoming abusive on here because people don't agree will get you know where and blaming posters for your situation is ridiculous.

Either leave or ask him and his children to leave. I know your perfect answer would be for him to kick the children out but that is never going to happen so you need to find a new plan.

You have a lot of bitterness and hate which is unhealthy and so far every thread of yours ends the same:

You hate your SDC's.
They have ruined your perfect life.
Posters offer advice and tell you his kids will come first.
You become abusive and blame posters.
You don't come back to the thread.
You start another thread.

Same old same old with no changes.

Isn't it about time you did something about it?

Accusing the op of having a drinkng problem is well out of order and a low blow.

Tapper at what point are you going to do what's best for you?

The way I see it is you can ...

1)Hope for the best, a miraculous turn around.
2)Ask dh to buy you out.
3) move out and sell the house.
4) ask dh to get a small place for him and his nearly adult teens and you continue your relationship with out them around.

It looks like things have got to a stale mate between you all. You absolutely should be able to love in your own home with out having to STFU or biting your tongue. This can't be good for stress levels or MH.

What would happen if you suggested they (Dh and kids) move out? You obviously still hope you and dh can reconcile. Could you afford mortgage on own?

Well I am sorry I upset some of you. No it was not an alcohol fused situation, just one bottled up for 2 odd weeks. My husband and I are chalk and cheese. He hides behind his hands and goes all gooey, I tell him to grow up.

I've seen the real side of him since having his little darlings live with us. His eldest may be off to Uni soon, but his youngest is a lazy boy who sits in his room 24/7 playing on his Xbox. I try to tell H to intervene, but his words yesterday morning were "I can't tell him what to do with his life, I'm off to work goodbye, leave him alone"

That is pathetic. SS has spent 3 days in his room in this lovey weather. I know because I come home at lunchtimes. It drives me mad, because actually I do care but can not get my opinion validated.

Sounds like you should take a big step back from the stepchildren then and leave them to your H to manage. If they then play up, that's his problem, not yours.
If he doesn't want your input and opinion on his children, then let him get on with it by himself, see how that works for him.

But in all honesty it does sound like you've had enough of him too, so maybe it would be better to cut your losses now and get rid.

Tbh some teenagers do that. I'm not saying it's healthy though!

My brother spent all of his teens like that and still us a bloody recluse !

Tapper you need an action plan. What are you going to do to fix the solution for you ? Pref one that doesn't involve one where you gave to STFU.

Can you not see life beyond your dh?

All our dc's were lazy and played on games 24/7. What's the big deal? At least they aren't out nicking cars. They are all delightful young men now, and 2 of them were dss

I would speak to a solicitor about how you would split assets if you separated and make sure I had my own stash of money saved. You don't have to do anything but it would make you feel less trapped if you knew you had rights to certain amount of marital assets which would let you split/ just live in separate homes until DCs leave home/ start a new life.

You need to change yourself not think that you can somehow change other people.

This is what teenagers do. They mean nothing by it.

Try to think of it from their point of view- they came to live with a dad they did not have a great relationship with, when their mum had a breakdown. They must have been apprehensive. You have given them a home and stability. You can't expect them to live as if they are outsiders, attentive to your sensitivities. The fact that they have settled says they are confident.

It must be hard for you to have these two aliens in your lovely quiet house and marriage- because teenagers are alien, particularly if they are just plonked on you and you don't go through all the getting there stages. Honestly, these two are just normal teenagers.

You sound really angry and resentful and I understand that but you either have to get past it or you will lose your marriage- and that won't happen to you, your choices will make it happen. You are the adult here, you have choices about how you behave. They are still growing up.

Surely if you DSS hibernates in his room then that's a good thing.

Could you explain the whole problem? We had all our dc with us full time, and sometimes it was hell, however, I found turning the other cheek, and biting your tongue were the most helpful things of all.

They have all left home now, but it was very very hard at times.

I don't really understand this thread. You seem to disagree with all the advice you are given.

Teenagers ARE horrid. They DO sit in dark rooms on their XBox for days on end.

If you are going to stay in this situation (which it looks like you are) you need to accept that life isn't going to be a happy bed of roses.

What exactly are you waiting for?

Yes Orange, but they are your own DC and you brought them up full time. I have had SCs from the age of 15 and 17, and it is hell. I have turned the other cheek, bitten my tongue. I have discovered they are not the actual problem, it is my Husband. It pains me to discover that he is spineless after 10 years. I do not like him anymore. Going home at the end of the day is awful. I have to bite my tongue 24/7. What I miss is the great relationship we had. I married for the first time at 44, to the person I thought would be my partner for life. Having his "young adults" live with us has totally dishevelled my world. Now I do not know what to do.

All of those who say leave, get over it, stop being an arse, then all I can say, you have never been in the position I am in. Everyone's situation is different. I look at some peoples' threads on here, and I laugh at the pettiness, but I choose not to comment. So if you have nothing wise to say, then do not comment until you have knowledge of a particular situation!

Tapper can you explain what it is you want from posting here? Is it just to vent or do you just want advice from people who have been through what you are going through?

Dia, I think I want the same as everyone who post on here. A bit of venting of course, everybody seems to do that, but also some advice on experience of others. TBH, the 2 people I have seen comment on here who have very wise words of advice are brdgrl and catsmother. There are other lovely posters, but also some rather vile ones.

Doesnt everyone who posts on here want to have a vent from time to time? Its almost therapy without having to pay for the privilege! Sometimes though I think coming on here can drag you down into the depths of despair and make things far worse!

They weren't my own dc. 2 of them were dss. A lot of the time it was hard, I used to feel like an alien in my own home. But just ignore ignore ignore. They'll probably be leaving home soon anyway

And they all lurked in their rooms all day and night. They were mostly nocturnal

Hi tapper, I thought I would post with a slightly different perspective on your situation. I am a step daughter who lived with my dad and stepmum from age 10 til I left home at 18. I think my stepmum could easily have written your post. She was very open about how much she hated me, how awful I was, how her relationship with my dad would be 'perfect' if I wasn't there and how I was the only thing they ever argued about. I have a younger DB but he never came in for the insane amount of flak which I did. My dad did a very good line in avoiding the situation.

When I turned 16 she completely stopped talking to me and kept it up for a whole year which was pretty impressive given we lived in the same house. I was horribly depressed and angry about it and felt completely powerless. Imagine having no choice but to live with the person who hates you most in the world. When I was 17 she decided to go travelling for a year which was bloody amazing from my POV and I thought that they may break up. When she finally came back, just before my A levels, she made an attempt to apologise and explain her behaviour but tbh it was far too late for that. I had at that point spent 2 years literally counting down the days til I could leave home for good, and when I did leave never came back.

It has taken me years of anger and then therapy to get over the way I was treated at that age. I know teenagers are not easy but I was a straight A student and didn't rebel in any huge way, I always worked hard, did sports, played music, did my chores around the house etc. but it wouldn't have mattered to her what I did: she hated me and that was that.

Fast forward 20 years and we are finally on an even keel with one another, she and my dad are very happy together and she is amazing with my kids. But it was pure hell going through it, for all of us. I urge you to please try and find a way through this, yes your DSC are 'adults' technically but they are still young and finding their way and this is a hugely hugely damaging situation for them to be in. You have to be the grown up here: if you have lost respect for your DH due to the way he parents his kids then you should leave at least temporarily. Perhaps when his DC do leave home for good you will be able to mend your relationship, but this is a hugely toxic situation and you have to take responsibility for it.

The DSD is 19 years old. She too has a choice and bears responsibility.

When I was a teenager, the adults were in charge of the household. Mum regularly used to tell us off if we left our school bags on the stairs, left the TV on in an empty room, or made lots of mess in the kitchen etc etc. but it doesn't sound like the OP is allowed any sort of authority in her own home; the step children cannot be challenged, which puts them in charge by default. And as her DH sides with the children rather than her, it creates a very unhealthy dynamic and the OP is on a hiding to nowhere. I'm not surprised she's frustrated.

We used to have one DSS EOW, and his "untouchable" status nearly drove me insane, so god knows how anyone copes with two of them full time, if they're allowed to rule the roost.

Tapper, I would start to look at the bigger picture and where this will lead long term. This is your life, you get one chance to live it. The whole going to uni thing is a red herring, they will be back for holidays, they may even come back to live for a while when they graduate. You could easily be looking at 6-8 more years till the youngest has fully left the nest.

Do you think that you and DH will get back what you had before they moved in? Can you honestly say that when all this passes you will be able to look at him as the same man you loved for 10 years?

I look at my children and hope that they will grow into independent men capable of surviving and thriving in the world, but I will always be their safety net. they will know that if life doesn't go as planned they will be able to come home if needed. For all you know one of them could turn to their dad in 15/20 years time needing him again.

You are sacrificing a good portion of your life to a situation that makes you desperately unhappy and has a high potential to never go back to the life you loved previously.

Ok OP. its still not clear what you wanted from this thread. People did respond with advice and you told them to get a degree in life matters, to fuck off, called them abusive names, said they had driven you to have suicidal thoughts. Nobody is a mind reader. If there is specific advice you want then i think you need to be clear about that in your OP an give people who would offer the advice you will dismiss the chance to leave the thread without being subjected to your hostility simply for offering what is very appropriate advice.

Yes, Petal. OP's DH of course is the one most capable of changing the situation for the better, and he appears unable or unwilling to do so.

If he is unwilling/incapable of changing the situation then OP needs to decide for herself whether she wants to live with it or leave it. He wont change and the dcs wont disappear so this is the siuation they are all now in. OP needs to make a decision for her own well being to either accept this is how things are, disengage from the ds as much as possible, ignore and get on with living there. Or she can make the decision that this is not acceptable to her and that she wants a better, happier life away from the dcs.