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Original poster

I hate my step kids!

999 replies

Tappergirl · 30/07/2014 23:07

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

OP posts:
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10
Alita7 · 03/08/2014 01:14

Wow that blog is rather shocking... but surely it must be a joke?

As for mini wife syndrome, I do think there are girls out there (usually over 10) who are either living alone with Dad or with younger siblings for a long time and they take up some of the role of a wife and /or mother, having adult status etc. This may lead to psychological issues. But I think many people totally misinterpret normal behaviours as mini wife syndrome when it's just a little girl who likes cuddles with her Daddy and plays at being bossy!

Waltermittythesequel · 03/08/2014 01:18

Alita, sadly it's no joke.

You only have to look at this thread to see there are vitriol-spewing nasty women in the world!

FlossyMoo · 03/08/2014 01:22

My mother was 11 yo when her mum died (DM is now 65). She was left with a loving father and 3 older brothers. Her role very much became the wife and mother. She cooked and cleaned for them. Not in a they expected it way but she saw it as her role. My DGM had been ill for most of my DM's life.
The mini wife syndrome I suppose was there because of the circumstances but it was nothing at all to do with wanting her fathers time or adoration nor was it about being the girl/women in his life. It was simply her role as the girl in the family to do the lions share of the chores.
However the way that term is used by some is disgusting and very far off the mark.

emotionsecho · 03/08/2014 01:24

The despicable, vile, hat wearing hyenas can see right through you Tappergirl.

MorphineDreams · 03/08/2014 01:26

Since reading this it's obvious I was a Mini-wife/mum. It's not always a bad thing!

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 03/08/2014 01:26

Bloody Nora, OP has now made me frightened for my DS as his dad is getting married soon. Christ knows what I'll do if his wife turns out like her.

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/08/2014 01:27

As for mini wife syndrome, I do think there are girls out there (usually over 10) who are either living alone with Dad or with younger siblings for a long time and they take up some of the role of a wife and /or mother, having adult status etc. This may lead to psychological issues. But I think many people totally misinterpret normal behaviours as mini wife syndrome when it's just a little girl who likes cuddles with her Daddy and plays at being bossy!

My take on it is this;

Something a bit like that can happen with either gender. It's not a syndrome. It is about family shape and roles.

Ideally the single parent has guarded against it as much as possible.

When a new person joins the family things shift and bend. Compassionate mature adults will rise above the niggles and behave in a way that conveys positivity and reassurance and permenance. The family settles into a new shape, the children learn to trust the new adult and after a year or so things are generally ok (provided no troublesome ex).

Other people will react like children themselves (or they panic) and inflame the whole thing. Bedlam ensues.

If the single parent has treated the child like a little emperor/empress then it will take longer to undo the pattern, but what you have there is giant prat syndrome (best to leg it really).

In very rare cases you have a situation where a genuine psychological issue exists, as opposed to a 'syndrome' invented by harpies.

Just my VHO

olgaga · 03/08/2014 01:28

Crikey now you and you DH have "more dignity" than the rest of us?

Must have been a nice couple of bottles of wine tonight.

I assume the DSC are out/upstairs on the xbox - staying well out of your way!

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/08/2014 01:29

Under 18s who did what you did are little heroes Morph

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/08/2014 01:31

And your mum too Floss

I think 'mini-wife' is used to convey something slightly different myself Hmm

MorphineDreams · 03/08/2014 01:34
Thanks
Alita7 · 03/08/2014 01:38

Philomena don't worry most step mums actually like their step kids!

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 03/08/2014 01:42

Alita, I sort of like XP's fiance thank god and as she has children of her own I'm hoping it'll be okay but I had a disastrous relationship with my SM (now NC) and the OP has highlighted for me what can happen when a SM doesn't like her SC.

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/08/2014 01:47

Go with your gut Cunk if she seems ok, i'm sure she is.

This nonsense has to be a minority disorder. Just a very very unpleasant one.

I think I'd better step away now. I'm so cross.

NickiFury · 03/08/2014 01:59

I do find the whole thing horribly grim. Dd is always very jealous of other people even her brother, always wanting to sit next to me and cuddle me, getting upset if she couldn't. If I get a migraine she sits with me and kisses me gently and gets me drinks. What's the label for that? What if I meet a bloke and introduce them and dd still wants to be as close to me? How do we label that? Clearly she can't be my "mini wife" can she Confused?

And the above example is why it's totally vile to say that about a similar relationship between a father and daughter. You've got to be a very screwed up person with twisted thought processes in the first place for that even to enter your head.

WakeyCakey45 · 03/08/2014 06:21

When a new person joins the family things shift and bend. Compassionate mature adults will rise above the niggles and behave in a way that conveys positivity and reassurance and permenance. The family settles into a new shape, the children learn to trust the new adult and after a year or so things are generally ok (provided no troublesome ex).

Relate and CAFCASS suggest 5 years, rather than one, but yes, I'm sure there are successful blended families where everyone puts the children first and things are "generally ok".

But, I think it's fair to say that the 'harpies' here on MN have experience of a "troublesome ex" or "giant prat syndrome" or both!

So the responses and generalisations about "generally ok" situations just don't apply.

Regardless of the OPs attitude, her particular situstion has been blighted by a "troublesome ex" - all be it one whose own behaviour has been influenced by illness. The impact of their mums behaviour on the DCs is no less significant because of that, and the "generally ok" situation is a lot harder to achieve.
Along side this, the OP is affected by "giant prat" syndrome; her DH rescued his teen DCs from their mum but by all accounts failed to put support in place for them to deal with the very natural consequences of their mums illness.

Things being "generally ok" in the OPs household depends on a great deal more than just her own behaviour. (Which I am sure has antagonised things further).

Maybe83 · 03/08/2014 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 03/08/2014 08:16

This really has been an eye opener.
I'm glad I have readthough to the end. I simply couldn't understand why so many perfectly reasonable comments were being shouted down with such venom.
It seems it's all got a bit Lordof the Flies in here.

FlossyMoo · 03/08/2014 08:25

I agree Maybe.

On a different thread by the OP I asked if his refusal to speak to her/discuss it was because her opening gambit was an instant criticism of his children. For whatever reason she never answered.

I have read many a thread where the step parent is at the end of their tether with DSC but in amongst the 'there're brattish & driving me crazy' there is usually some positives or empathy for he SDC. However as Tappers thread and her others show there is nothing but contempt and disdain. The way she talks about the DM's mental health and breakdown also lacks empathy.

IMHO the OP has been very much the centre of her DH's world (apart from the odd holiday with DC's and visits) and since the children moved in permanently his focus is of course split between the three of them. This is what the OP hates. Her perfect world of 2 no longer exists and she puts all the blame for that on to the kids. She shows more compassion for her dogs than she does her DSC or there frankly shitty upbringing.

The OP has stated she was happy to go for custody when they were much younger (around 10 I think). I wonder if this was because
a) she never thought they would win.
b) She could mould them in to the children she wanted them to be because they were young and she cannot do that now they are teenagers.

I do not doubt for 1 second suddenly having to share your small home with 2 other adults is a shock to the system and will drive you crazy with the lack of personnel space but I struggle to find sympathy for the OP because of her hate.

FlossyMoo · 03/08/2014 08:27

Shocking grammar and spelling in that post. My apologise my fingers are still asleep Smile

doziedoozie · 03/08/2014 08:32

Just spew it all out Flossy don't hold back - and, of course there's no back story to your anger, none at all!

Grin
TheWordFactory · 03/08/2014 08:36

Hmmmm... I see the OP is back to loving her DH (so much dignity). Is it back toall the children's fault again?

FiftyShadesOfGreen4205 · 03/08/2014 08:44

What a messed up world you live in, OP.

FlossyMoo · 03/08/2014 08:44

I have been up since 5am and only had 2 coffees! That is the only anger I am harbouring this morning Grin

However if you can see anger/back story please enlighten me as I am 2 more coffees away from deep thinking Wink

Pagwatch · 03/08/2014 09:23

I've only had 2 cups of coffee too Flossy but your post sounded perfectly measured and reasonable to me.
Perhaps Dozie has an odd sense of humour.