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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I actively dislike my partners son.

148 replies

jonjones · 07/06/2014 11:23

I'm almost certain that this post will get me a barrage of abuse but I need to get this out and I can't think of anywhere else to do it.

I've been with my partner for 18 months now and while I love the bones of her I actively dislike her 5 year old son.

At first I thought that it was because I didn't really like kids (I have a 3 year old son myself who I absolutely adore but I don't really have time for any other kids) but I've since met more parents (usually on trips to the staple location of parents of young children, the play centre) and I don't feel anywhere near the same level of dislike as I do towards my partners child.

My partner is very keen to try for a baby of our own but I can't bear the thought of my potential future child being related to him.

He's a very badly behaved child. He screams blue murder when he doesn't get his own way (and sometimes when he does) or when someone tries to discipline him. He rarely goes to bed before 10pm (it would take physically restraining him to get him to stay in bed, which of course neither of us do) and he purposefully breaks anything and everything he can.

I hate myself for feeling this way, and while I haven't spoken to my partner about it (how could I?), It's starting to get to the point where I can't bottle it up anymore.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

usualsuspectt · 07/06/2014 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlCapone · 07/06/2014 11:29

I agree. You need to walk away.

WonderingAllowed · 07/06/2014 11:30

Yes, please leave your partner for her DS's sake. I wonder if her DS plays up because he knows you don't like him. They can sense it, you know.

LairyPoppins · 07/06/2014 11:30

I agree with usual.
You cannot continue in the relationship.

pictish · 07/06/2014 11:30

I would agree with the previous poster. It is time for you to end the relationship. Do it now before there is a baby in the mix binding you all together forever.

sleepyhead · 07/06/2014 11:31

Please leave this family alone.

Spinaroo · 07/06/2014 11:32

I agree too, sorry.

WonderingAllowed · 07/06/2014 11:32

As an adult I would find it very hard to be in the company of someone who dislikes me, let alone as a DC.

Needadvice5 · 07/06/2014 11:32

time to leave them to it!

MrsKranky · 07/06/2014 11:34

Agreed Usual. OP is it the child you don't like, or how he is parented? I say this because sometimes I think when DSD is acting up, it's not her fault entirely, it's just she's never been told it's not acceptable. Lucky for me this is not very often, but sounds for you that this is more frequent? Are you involved in parenting DSS? Are you and your partner a team? All I can think is if you can't agree on thus now, how would another child be raised, and how would your relationship cope?

I think you need to speak to your partner about this, if you are close enough to be discussing bringing a child into the world together, you should be close enough to be able to discuss the family you already have.

pictish · 07/06/2014 11:34

OP - whatever else other posters might say to you in this thread (and trust me, there will be plenty...hope you've got your tin helmet on) - I will tell you this....
I would never stay in a relationship with someone whose child(ren) I disliked.
I wouldn't put myself through it, never mind anyone else.

It is not a situation that will improve by all accounts.

Hikonyan · 07/06/2014 11:35

I agree with everyone else, walk away.

LadyNexus · 07/06/2014 11:36

As a step mother myself my advice to you is to end the relationship, and in no certain terms add a new baby into the mess.

He is 5, I am assuming you are somewhat older. If you unable to control your hate for a child I suggest next time you don't get involved with anyone else with children.

girliefriend · 07/06/2014 11:37

Poor boy this makes me feel completely depressed, do the right thing and walk away.

pictish · 07/06/2014 11:38

I've met kids I really didn't like. Not a lot...but one or two. I've known kids where I know I would toil to share my time with them.

I don't think I need to 'control my hate' - but I wouldn't be having a baby with the parent of said child.

OneStepCloser · 07/06/2014 11:38

I`m a SM and I agree with the others, if your feelings are that strong then you must walk away. Its the only right thing to do.

AggressiveBunting · 07/06/2014 11:45

No judgment because to be fair there are many many kids who I would rather gnaw my own arm off than live with/ spend more than a few hrs at a time with, but this won't work. End it now. If you can't agree on parenting techniques before you have a have child of your own, it won't miraculously sort itself out when you do.

HobinRood · 07/06/2014 11:46

I agree with the others. If your dislike is as strong as you say then you have no other option but to walk away. He's badly behaved yes, but he is also only 5.

If this was my partner writing about my child like this - I wouldn't be staying either.

Thankfully you don't have any children so you can just make the clean break and walk away.

pictish · 07/06/2014 11:48

No judgement from me either.

TheSarcasticFringehead · 07/06/2014 11:49

I have disliked children before. More often I dislike how they are parented though. No judgement from me, but I would say you should walk away- for yours and his sake.

pictish · 07/06/2014 11:50

But the relationship does have to end. In my very honest opinion.

CailinDana · 07/06/2014 11:50

Agree with everyone else. You have a choice, that child doesn't. Make life better for him and break up with his mother, give him a chance at a step parent who loves him.

Viviennemary · 07/06/2014 11:55

It is hard to like a very badly behaved child if you are with it a lot of the time. But in a lot of cases the parents are to blame. So really you should be looking at your DP's style of parenting rather than taking a dislike to a child.

HPparent · 07/06/2014 12:00

It sounds to me as if you dislike kids in general - apart from your own son. Have you considered why this might be the case, are there problems in your own upbringing that you need to resolve?

It sounds like your partner's son has behavioural issues but you seem to dislike the actual child rather than the behaviour.

Your partner is going to be the child's mother for the rest of her life, he is not going to disappear. I think you should walk away from the relationship and definitely not have a child with this woman.

I would also consider counselling or therapy to try and get to the bottom of this before you start another relationship.

CharmQuark · 07/06/2014 12:08

Some things to think about; ask our self these questions an answer to yourself as openly and honestly as possible.

Why do you think he behaves like this? Is he angry? Is he in contact with his Dad, does he miss him, does he feel jealous of the relationship between you and his Mum? For example? (he does sound like a very angry little boy)

Why does his Mum not get to grips with a consistent firm discipline and sort it out? Does she feel guilty in some way? Does she generally have no idea and is a lax parent? Doyou and she talk about parenting approaches and styles? How does it go when you have your dd with you and her?

Do you resent this child? As another man's offspring in the nest? (this is a well worn psychological trait from Hamlet the The Lion King). Are you jealous of him?Because when push comes to shove a mother will (and should) put her child before her partner? Because you feel he comes between you?

In any event, you must discuss this with your partner. And certainly before you embark on a baby. Whatever is going on now will increase x10 with a new baby of the partnership. She deserves to know the problem in her life, and it would be irresponsible to all concerned (including you) to press ahead while you feel like this.

Tell her that you find the dynamics of the relationship hard, talk about your feelings around all the issues above, if relevant, and anything else you feel or think. Talk together about her DSD and your dSS and how it would be for both of them.

A poor relationship with a step-father is behind many, many badly troubled lives amongst teen boys. If you love your DP you will sort this out one way or the other.

Counselling could be an option.

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