I actively dislike my partners son.

[jonjones]

I'm almost certain that this post will get me a barrage of abuse but I need to get this out and I can't think of anywhere else to do it.

I've been with my partner for 18 months now and while I love the bones of her I actively dislike her 5 year old son.

At first I thought that it was because I didn't really like kids (I have a 3 year old son myself who I absolutely adore but I don't really have time for any other kids) but I've since met more parents (usually on trips to the staple location of parents of young children, the play centre) and I don't feel anywhere near the same level of dislike as I do towards my partners child.

My partner is very keen to try for a baby of our own but I can't bear the thought of my potential future child being related to him.

He's a very badly behaved child. He screams blue murder when he doesn't get his own way (and sometimes when he does) or when someone tries to discipline him. He rarely goes to bed before 10pm (it would take physically restraining him to get him to stay in bed, which of course neither of us do) and he purposefully breaks anything and everything he can.

I hate myself for feeling this way, and while I haven't spoken to my partner about it (how could I?), It's starting to get to the point where I can't bottle it up anymore.

[jonjones]

Another little update.

I had to look after him, and my son, last night for an hour while my partner went out and, shockingly, he did what he was told for the most part. If I told him not to do something he didn't do it, instead of raiding the cupboards for sweets I told him he could have some if he ate bus tea, which he did so I have him half a handful of sweets (as oppose to his usual half bag of Haribo) and there was no screaming, no back chat, nothing!

Then my partner came home and the second, and I really do mean the second, she walked through the door he was back to normal. Not listening, whining when he didn't get his own way, climbing on the furniture, etc.

It was like flipping a switch and to be honest it quite shocked me.

[DieselSpillages]

It's clear he wants more attention from his mum. Bad behaviour is a great way of getting noticed whereas good behaviour is often ignored.

Sugary sweets at bedtime and stimulating tv , no wonder he's all hyped up.

Nothing can change here unless the mum wants it too. She's tired and taking the lazy easy option but it's a disaster unfolding for her Ds and I feel very sorry for him.

[MummyA1984]

Just goes to show the issue lies with the mum :-/

[annielouisa]

I know she has a job and I knows she is tired but she has a duty as a parent to parent. If she chooses to always take the easy option i.e. TV until all hours, loads of sugary snacks when demanded do you really want to introduce another child into this disfunctional situation.

The behaviour probably won't be picked up by school because he will be set boundaries like the simple ones you gave him and he will respond to them if he doesn't fall asleep in class.

I do not see how you can remain in this relationship as it will be a constant battle with your DP or parenting styles.

[jonjones]

This might not be the place, especially given the initial topic of my first post but there seems to be a new issue arising. Weeing all over the place.

I don't know if it's anything to do with his lack of routine/boundaries but in the last week there have been 4 separate instances of him weeing in places that aren't the toilet.

I don't mean he's had an accident and couldn't make it to the loo on time as many kids do, I mean he's actively gone to a spot in the house (Twice in the living room, once in his bedroom, once at the top of the stairs) and just had a wee.

When asked about it he first said it wasn't him (Despite being caught in the act twice) and then he said that he didn't want to go to the toilet.

This is very out of character, to my knowledge. I've only ever known him do it purposefully one one other occasion since I've known him

Could this be down to the issues I've raised previously? Should I / his mum be concerned?

[Thumbwitch]

I would say that it is definitely something you should be concerned about and part of a bigger "attention-seeking" picture.

Does his mum ever discipline him over anything, or does she just always give in? He could be seeing just how far he can push those boundaries before she reacts, or he could be expressing his displeasure about some other situation in the house in the only way he knows how.

Either way, it's a bad sign, and something needs to be done about it. Will his mum consider taking him to the GP about it?

[jonjones]

Does his mum ever discipline him over anything, or does she just always give in?

She'll verbally reprimand him if he's done something overly naughty (Ie; something above and beyond the realm of normal 4/5 year old behaviour), but that's as far as it goes. I don't think I've ever seen her "punish" his bad behaviour beyond a stern telling off.

Perhaps I'm the problem? The first time I properly told him off for something (For trying to climb out of his first floor window) was last week and then this started...

The chance of my partner taking him to see the GP are slim to none unless she decides to do so herself and/or her parents suggest it to her.

[Thumbwitch]

Possibly a silly question, but do you think he likes you?

[jonjones]

Possibly a silly question, but do you think he likes you?

Had you asked me 2 weeks ago I'd probably have said yes. But now? Now that I've (tried) implementing rules? Probably not, or at the very least he'd prefer if I wasn't around.

We were never bosom buddies, we only really see each other for about 20 minutes in the morning and then an hour or so at night, combine that with the fact that I'm a grown man who doesn't sit playing computer games and watching wrestling all day (like his dad) I don't think he sees me as someone he can play with (I'm more of an active person when it comes to kids, going for a kick about in the park, etc.)

I'm trying to look for positives here, something that I can cling on to in the hope I can save my relationship but I think that the problem here isn't with him, or his mum, it's me.

[Kaluki]

I wonder if he's acting up to drive you away?
If he wants his Mum all to himself and her last DP left because of him, maybe that is what he is trying to do to you?
Does your DP spend time with him on his own? It seems like he has got into the cycle of getting attention for being naughty, which makes his behaviour worse. The weeing everywhere really does seem like a further bid to push the boundaries and he is screaming out for attention.

[jonjones]

I wonder if he's acting up to drive you away?

I thought the same, although if this were the case why now? And not a year ago when my partner and I moved in together?

Does your DP spend time with him on his own?

The only real time they have alone together is ever other Sunday afternoon for 2 or 3 hours but he'll just sit in front of the TV. He's not one for going outside to play (unless it's to smash something) and when he's at home all he does is watch TV. Even when my partner does try and do something with him he's not interested.

[BigPigLittlePig]

Sorry things aren't getting any better, op.

[jonjones]

**

I was ever so tempted to "disable" his TV yesterday while I was busy fixing something else upstairs but I'm sure it would only lead to my partner buying him a new one which we can ill afford right now.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I think there have been studies done about the effect of TV on brainwaves (something to do with the wavelength of the light altering brainwaves, and causing sleep disturbances/poor sleep,patterns iirc). If you found that sort of information, and put it in front of your dp, might it shock her into accepting that TV in the bedroom is. It good for a child of his age?

If she once agreed to that, maybe she would agree to take the TV and DVD player out of his room for good.

It might also be worth googling the effects of sleep deprivation - alongside the recommended sleep time for a child that young. Again, maybe she could be shocked into action by seeing the short and long term damage that this could be doing to her child?

[jonjones]

It might also be worth googling the effects of sleep deprivation - alongside the recommended sleep time for a child that young

Thanks for the advice, I thought I knew how much sleep kids needed (I must have read every baby book going when mine was on the way) but according the the NHS website it looks like I was a bit off.

5 year olds should have about 11 hours of sleep a night. Considering it's rare he's asleep before 10 and it usually up for about half 6-7 he's only getting a max. of 9 hours which is the recommended amount of time for a 14 year old!!

Plenty of food for thought here!!

[PajamaQueen]

Just to add as well: It's recommended that a child has around 10 - 20 minutes quiet time before bed. Watching TV directly before bed is too stimulating in regards to expecting him to go straight to sleep when switched off. The amount of TV you describe he watches is an absurd amount for such a young age anyway.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

It might be worth mentioning that it is a damned sight easier to crack down on bad behaviour with a 5-year- old than it will be when he is 15. I have two teenagers and one son in his 20s, and I am absolutely convinced that is true.

[ZuluinJozi]

At 5 years, he should have consistent boundaries and taught basic manners but how is he to do that when he is not guided by his mother?

You seem to expect a lot out of 5 year old, do you consider how his parents separation has affected him?

Why stay with your partner when you have such fundamental difference in parenting?

The texture of your tone is rich, its as if you are speaking to an equal - things you blame him are not his fault eg lazy(watching wrestling instead of 'kicking-ball-at-park-type father) dad, late bed time(his mum should establish a routine), poor diet (its parents responsibility to encourage balanced diet).

I do not doubt that its draining raising a child thats not yours

[Bearleigh]

I feel very sorry for the child: if he spends 50% of his time with both of his parents he hasn't got much stability, which is reinforced by the laziness with which he seems to be dealt by his father ( watching TV instead of giving his child time) and his mother who seems to take the course of least resistance. It seems neither of them have his best interests at heart. Poor little thing (no matter how difficult he is to like, which I do understand).

Did they get 50:50 because they both wanted him so much, or because neither of them actually wanted to have him most of the time?

[MirandaGoshawk]

He is attention seeking and desperately needs boundaries. He is testing you and his mother all the time.

Communication is the key here (as with so many problems in life). Sit down with his mother and work out a strategy. She sounds as if she doesn't have a clue, basically, so make her listen. Tell her, if necessary, that for the good of your health, her DS's health and for the relationship, how it's going to be. Bed at 8pm or whatever, story beforehand, etc., a sweet if he's good and then brush teeth. I bet if he knows he will have her undivided attention if he's good then he will be good.

[MirandaGoshawk]

Oh, and stick to it. Put up with the tantrums and let the boy know who's boss. Atm, he is.

[jonjones]

You seem to expect a lot out of 5 year old, do you consider how his parents separation has affected him?

They separated when he was 2 or 3 months old so he doesn't know any different.

Why stay with your partner when you have such fundamental difference in parenting?

Because I love her. If I didn't it would be infinitely easier, I could just walk away and never look back but unfortunately life isn't always that simple.

things you blame him are not his fault

I'm not "blaming" him for anything, I was merely saying that we're just opposing personalities when it comes to entertainment.

Did they get 50:50 because they both wanted him so much, or because neither of them actually wanted to have him most of the time?

I think it was a mixture of things. Both parents wanted him and also my partner works full time so his dad having him on the days he's not at nursery allows her to work.

Oh, and stick to it. Put up with the tantrums and let the boy know who's boss

I have no problem with this, he could sit and scream for hours on end and I wouldn't give in. But there-in lies the problem, he's not my child so it's irrelevant how long I can deal with his tantrums when his mum gives in within 5 minutes.

I tried talking to her last night about it but I got the same reaction I normally get, she took it as a slur against her and put up her defences. In fairness though, if someone tried to tell me how to parent my child I probably wouldn't be very receptive towards it either.

[doziedoozie]

People don't like advice from other mere mortals. Perhaps you can get your DP to see someone in a white coat that makes a big difference regardless of whether they are any help or not .

So, framed as worry for his future, which is reasonable, he is going to be a disaster to deal with when he gets older, can you arrange a chat together with his teacher to start with and see if you can get some meetings with a child psychologist/ GP/ anyone else who can advise professionally.

And get some real support and advice.