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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

I actively dislike my partners son.

148 replies

jonjones · 07/06/2014 11:23

I'm almost certain that this post will get me a barrage of abuse but I need to get this out and I can't think of anywhere else to do it.

I've been with my partner for 18 months now and while I love the bones of her I actively dislike her 5 year old son.

At first I thought that it was because I didn't really like kids (I have a 3 year old son myself who I absolutely adore but I don't really have time for any other kids) but I've since met more parents (usually on trips to the staple location of parents of young children, the play centre) and I don't feel anywhere near the same level of dislike as I do towards my partners child.

My partner is very keen to try for a baby of our own but I can't bear the thought of my potential future child being related to him.

He's a very badly behaved child. He screams blue murder when he doesn't get his own way (and sometimes when he does) or when someone tries to discipline him. He rarely goes to bed before 10pm (it would take physically restraining him to get him to stay in bed, which of course neither of us do) and he purposefully breaks anything and everything he can.

I hate myself for feeling this way, and while I haven't spoken to my partner about it (how could I?), It's starting to get to the point where I can't bottle it up anymore.

OP posts:

Report

CharmQuark · 07/06/2014 12:10

Sorry - I mean your DS, not DD.

CharmQuark · 07/06/2014 12:12

And remember that to the parent of a 3 year old, a year old seems very grown up and mature - are you being unrealistic in your expectations of 5 yo behaviour?

usualsuspectt · 07/06/2014 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 07/06/2014 13:15

Funny that this thread say a man and everyone is having a go and blaming him for hating the child and telling him to leave his partner and yet there is another thread active today written by a woman who activity hates her step daughter and everyone is being lovely and telling her it's fine because the stepdaughter will be going to uni soon and therefore out of her hair!! Double standards much???

Op - is it the child himself or his behaviour you hate?? From your post it sounds like it is his behaviour. If this is this case then you do need to have a conversation with your partner and discuss this urgently. With hard work and consistency from all adults (gps, Dm, df if on scene, you etc) then behaviour can be changed.

Look at what causes the behaviour,

Is it worse after he has been to his dad's (if he sees him) or when you amd his mum are physically close ie cuddling or kissing.

Is he like it with other adults

What is his behaviour like at school

You need to talk to your partner but I would be careful how you phrase is, hating his behaviour is acceptable but hating her child is not

Hth

OwlCapone · 07/06/2014 13:38

the stepdaughter will be going to uni soon and therefore out of her hair!!

So, not a 5 year old then.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 07/06/2014 13:42

I agree to end the relationship. You don't have to like her DS, but don't continue any further.

Foxeym · 07/06/2014 15:30

Maybe I'm the only one but I have 2DDs and my partner has 1DS and 1DD and we have a DS together. I struggled a lot with liking my DSD as she is very hard work, nothing like my 2. A lot was down to my partner being a Disney dad with her for a long time and then I put my foot down and said things had to change especially with DS coming along. I just explained that all the kids had to be treated the same with no special treatment to one particular. Fortunately we were able to discuss it and he has really tried and her behaviour is gradually improving as she now realises that it's not always going to go her way no matter the fuss she kicks up. I wouldn't say walk away if there is a chance you can talk things through and reach an agreement as there is always a chance that things will improve but only you can know in your heart of hearts if you're willing to give it a real go, best of luck

fedupbutfine · 07/06/2014 17:12

do you ever wonder about your own child? what would you feel, as a loving parent, if your child were to come to you and say that their step father actively disliked them? what would you expect of your ex?

Alita7 · 07/06/2014 18:52

I think some kids do just behave awfully but it's not their fault, have you talked to your partner about his behaviour? Does she do what she can to help the situation or do you think her discipline is lacking?
If you don't think your feelings towards her son will change if he gets older and less naughty, then you need to go because he will always be there and you cannot bring a baby into it if you're going to be plagued with how you feel about him forever!

doziedoozie · 07/06/2014 19:16

Can't believe someone would write off a 5 year old. Seems unbelievable.
So OP you need to win him over, what are you doing wrong that makes him behave badly in your company.

Read some books, try to understand the problems the DS might have with his DF, or DM come to that. And see if you can find his nice side.

myitchybeaver · 07/06/2014 19:22

My DH met me when my DS was 5 and has always struggled with his 'like' of my DS, their relationship is still a work in progress 12 years later.

I think it's great you are being honest. I can think of at least 10 children I have met over the years I have LOATHED, including kids of close friends. I also would never have wanted my offspring to be related. In fact there is one child now who when I think about him I shudder [terrible human being emoticon].

Leave her, end the relationship. You can turn ambivalence into love but not hate, that's too hard.

doziedoozie · 07/06/2014 19:38

He's a very badly behaved child. He screams blue murder when he doesn't get his own way (and sometimes when he does) or when someone tries to discipline him. He rarely goes to bed before 10pm (it would take physically restraining him to get him to stay in bed, which of course neither of us do) and he purposefully breaks anything and everything he can

Well, he either needs a psychiatrists help for his problems or he has been badly parented. Can you approach a psychiatrist or psychologist for a start?

doziedoozie · 07/06/2014 19:41

I can't think of any child I have met whom I have loathed. Some I have thought 'why are they doing that?' - annoying, selfish behavior, but I have never loathed them. Weird.

BigPigLittlePig · 07/06/2014 22:27

Oh I have met some horrors too. I guess if you are in that situation day in, day out, the emotions are intensified. Agreed, discussions need to be had - it sounds as though he isn't getting the parenting he needs, plus/minus some jealousy issues. I hope you can work this out, I really do.

RandomMess · 07/06/2014 22:34

Sadly sometimes it's just a personality clash, their strongest traits are ones you don't like. It's unlikely to change, just end the relationship.

OwlCapone · 07/06/2014 23:02

No sign of the OP...?

HesGotStyleAGrooveyStyle · 08/06/2014 01:04

I would leave the relationship presuming you have given it a really good shot. You can't force yourself to like your partners child. You can pretend to like him and do and say everything you are meant to but I can't see how it would work long term.

Who's fault it is doesn't matter.

If you do decide to end the relationship perhaps you could work out a way to do it without mentioning your dislike of her son.

Tappergirl · 08/06/2014 02:37

How spineless of the people on here to say walk away. If he loves his DP then why? Children are not the deciding factor in Everything! You lot make me cringe! I say continue to love the bones off your partner, and sort the kid out, he is only 5 for crying out loud, he can be changed, and so can his mother's attitude.

possiblyprecious · 08/06/2014 03:20

What do you think about your partner's parenting style? Is it part of the problem do you think? If so, can you discuss it? It sounds like it's his behaviour you have a problem with. This child could potentially benefit from your input into his life.

Monty27 · 08/06/2014 03:25

He doesn't need you in his life for sure. I hope his dm sorts him out as it sounds as though the poor wee mite has issues. Unsurprisingly.

Monty27 · 08/06/2014 03:27

Oh and btw your usage of the word 'actively' rings alarm bells to me. Step away from the poor boy, he senses you hate him.

Monty27 · 08/06/2014 03:27

Ffs I mean!

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scotchtikidoll · 08/06/2014 03:36

Reiterating what others are saying, leave. What on earth are you doing becoming involved with a man with a child when you 'don't like kids?' It is a package deal, I am afraid. When you get involved with a person with a young child, you have to appreciate they fact that they are number one, not you.

scotchtikidoll · 08/06/2014 03:40

'Wheresthelight' I thought it was a woman writing the post, and as you can see from my pp, itheir gender hasn't coloured my opinion.

'Mumsnet' isn't one person, you know.

MexicanSpringtime · 08/06/2014 03:59

Well, I too would say you have to leave the relationship. But I don't say it in a sense of criticising you, just because it won't work

This reminds of a little boy I had to look after for five weeks during the day and I couldn't like him too. Similar behaviour. I wanted to stop looking after him for the same reason that everyone here is saying you should leave (for his sake), but his parents were very busy at that moment.
After I stopped working for them I found out that his parents were putting him to bed at midnight every night, when he had to get up at 6:30 am. The poor wee thing was sleep-deprived and it made him act like a madman

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