I actively dislike my partners son.

[jonjones]

I'm almost certain that this post will get me a barrage of abuse but I need to get this out and I can't think of anywhere else to do it.

I've been with my partner for 18 months now and while I love the bones of her I actively dislike her 5 year old son.

At first I thought that it was because I didn't really like kids (I have a 3 year old son myself who I absolutely adore but I don't really have time for any other kids) but I've since met more parents (usually on trips to the staple location of parents of young children, the play centre) and I don't feel anywhere near the same level of dislike as I do towards my partners child.

My partner is very keen to try for a baby of our own but I can't bear the thought of my potential future child being related to him.

He's a very badly behaved child. He screams blue murder when he doesn't get his own way (and sometimes when he does) or when someone tries to discipline him. He rarely goes to bed before 10pm (it would take physically restraining him to get him to stay in bed, which of course neither of us do) and he purposefully breaks anything and everything he can.

I hate myself for feeling this way, and while I haven't spoken to my partner about it (how could I?), It's starting to get to the point where I can't bottle it up anymore.

My DSD is like this. But its not her fault, its the way shes being parented. Its very frustrating but I am learning to let things go over my head and also trying to encourage DP to spend more time with her instead of leaving her with me ALL of the time.

I dont think that the answer is to walk away!! Some children (from an early age) will take a dislike to anyone that their parents meet or have a relationship with and will try their hardest to drive the partner away.

Prawny haven't seen you on here for a few weeks! Pm me and let me know how your situation is going!

Prawny, i agree with you. What is it with people who are prepared to walk away at the slightest thing? To me, a relationship is to be cherished if it is right, and obstacles in your way are to be conquered rather than admit defeat at the first hurdle. Maybe it's an age thing?

It's. Not walking away at the slightest thing though. It's recognising that just saying you want things to work out doesn't mean that it the right thing for everyone involved.

The op doesn't like the child's personality, let's be honest we have all met children that we have been relieved when they go home. It is not a crime to not like someone, even a child.

What are the options? The op living with a child he actively dislikes? It's hardly the child's fault and while this isn't really a nature verses nurture debate he is who he is and a big part of that will be down to his parents. How is it fair to the child to live with someone who doesn't like him?

Option two would be to live apart and not involve the child in the relationship and see how things develop over time, in years or decades, not weeks and months.

Or option 3 would be to walk away. The ops partner wants another child, the op doesn't want a child who behaves like his half sibling who he doesn't like.

How can it be in anybody's interest to live and have a family with someone they actively dislike?

I agree in that I don't see it as walking away over the slightest thing. I think it's making the right decision about the biggest thing.

Pictish, you found a much better way to say what I meant!

Wow, thank you so much for all of your replies, I didn't expect so many (well, not so many constructive ones anyway). I'll try and address all questions raised, but I do apologise if I miss anything out.

I do agree that the primary problem I have is with his behaviour and for whoever asked if it he started acting up when I came onto the scene, no he did not. From what my partner has told me he's been very badly behaved since well before her and I met. Her previous relationship (Not the child's father) broke down because of his behaviour and her ex couldn't deal with it.

He acts the same way with everyone, his mum, his dad, his grandparents even his teachers.

I also agree that parenting is a big issue. He see's his dad almost daily (They share custody 50/50) and while they have a good relationship, his father is very lax when it comes to discipline and, unfortunately, my partner isn't much better. He basically rules the roost and no amount of bad behaviour warrants any kind of real "punishment".

I can also relate to someone who commented above saying they had a similar experience with a child, with the cause being sleep deprivation. He's often awake playing DVD's full blast in his room when I go to bed and he has to be up at half 7 the next morning.

For the ones who suggest I just "walk away", I don't want to feel this way, I want to be able to make things work for both my own, my partner's and BOTH our children's sake and to simply walk away would be a bit of a cop out without at least trying to sort this issue out.

I'm not entirely sure what I hoped to achieve with this thread, maybe to just verbalize my feelings instead of bottling them up, or maybe I wanted to someone to talk to. Either way I want to thank everyone who offered constructive advice both now and in the future, it's all very much appreciated.

If this behaviour has been long term there could be an underlying medical issue causing it so as well as discussing with your partner I would urge her to seek professional assistance for her son and fast!

Good luck!!

I agree with seeking professional assistance.

He may have an actual problem, or it may be an issue which could be sorted out by family therapy.

It is worrying that neither his father nor his mother are trying to deal with his behaviour, or find out what is causing it.

Poor child - no-one is looking after him if his behaviour is ignored .

Having lost one partner, how open is your DP to getting the situation addressed?

You have to walk away. Not fair on this child or his mother to stay. Not your fault that you feel this way, but you could screw up this child by staying and disliking him.

Yeap, I think you should stay and try to sort the little lad's sleeping patterns. The difference between a child who has prolonged sleep deprivation and that same child properly rested is chalk and cheese.

He's often awake playing DVD's full blast in his room when I go to bed and he has to be up at half 7 the next morning

Talk about enabling bad behaviour!! Wtf is a 5 yo being (a) allowed a DVD player in his room and (b) being able to play DVDs full blast at night, or any other time??

To me things like this are fixable problems, it is not that poor child who needs sorting out...

Have just looked up on google recommended sleep for a 5 year old it is 11 hours. So to get up at 7.30 he should be in bed and asleep by 8.30.

How does your DP not know this??? Sorry but my opinion of the reason parents who can't maintain the well being of their child is laziness. Why argue and enforce good rules when you can be lolling in front of the tele letting them destroy their health and do as they please? Grrrrrrr. I couldn't live with someone like this

Have you spoken to the mother about parenting classes? He sounds out of control.

I intensely dislike my nephew. He is four. He s parented appallingly so really it's not is fault. It's not mischievous or 'naughty' behaviour it's waaaay past that. Last time I looked after him he actually threw a rocking horse at the tv - fully intending it to smash, luckily it just fell short. He gets pleasure out of hurting people eg. Hitting them round the head with a mop handle ..stabbing the back of his dp legs with a pair of scissors.

He doesn't have a time to go bed. So will often go to sleep around 1am. Last night on facebook his DM status at 10:20pm was *xxx bouncing naked on the trampoline in the moonlight! I don't care as long as he wears himself out"

When they do try to discipline him - he will tell them to "fuckoff' or "fuck shit"

He is marginally less bad at school- although he spends a lot f time sat on his own, at his own choice.

They now hardly get invited to social events if he is coming with him.

If your dss is behaving in a similar way then your gf needs to radically think about the way she is parenting him as she will only be the same with a child you have together.

It's probably going to be a losing battle if both of his parents CBA dealng with it properly.

Personally I would walk.

No judgement from me either but I think your relationship with the child, and hence is mother is doomed I'm afraid OP. It is very hard to like some children. Best all round if you walk away I think.

I am a stepmum and have been for 8 years. My dh and have a broadly similar approach to parenting but even we have differences of opinion which gets magnified when you are trying to co-parent with others. It is tough, very tough and it has nearly broken us several times over the years. That is despite us loving each other's kids at best and tolerating them at worst. I think unless you are both reflective people who can agree on how to deal with these issues you may be in for a very bumpy ride. I couldn't have a child with someone who I thought was a 'lax' parent. My best advice is to be really honest with yourself. If you don't like this little boy at 5 you will despise him at 13!

I think you should walk, quite frankly not because of the boy's behaviour but because of his mother's parenting skills (or lack of) - why would you even consider having a child with someone who can't parent her own child? I am not being smug, I find being a parent the hardest thing on earth but maybe your partner needs to concentrate on being a mother and dealing with her son's behaviour rather than thinking about having another child and a relationship. If this is her second relationship since leaving the boy's father and he is only 5 no wonder it is tough for him. .

Walk away, there is not much you can do.

So would I. I wouldn't so much walk as run...but then my interest in reforming the poor behaviour of someone else's child amounts to zero.

It's an uphill and likely pointless struggle to get people to change their ways, and in this scenario you've got the mother AND the child to deal with.
It certainly wouldn't be for me!

"what are you doing wrong that makes him behave badly in your company."

And there we have what lies at the heart of discipline issues in schools these days. Some adults believing that kids can do no wrong.

Thank you again for all of your replies. Perhaps I didn't make it clearer before, while my partner is keen for us to have a child of our own I am 100% against the idea!

I wouldn't even know how to approach the topic of having him checked by a professional for his behaviour. I can't very well greet her from work with "Good day at work? Oh, by the way, I think you need to get [child's name] checked because he's so badly behaved". If someone said that to me I'd be throwing them out of the door.

"Have just looked up on google recommended sleep for a 5 year old it is 11 hours. So to get up at 7.30 he should be in bed and asleep by 8.30.... How does your DP not know this???"

I don't think it's that she doesn't know, I think it is the effort involved that's proving to be a deterrent to her. As I mentioned before, if you try and turn his TV off or ask him to go to bed before he wants to he'll throw the mother of all strops that he'll carry on with until either a) He wears himself out and passes out, b) my partner caves and let's him have his way or c) He screams so much that he makes himself physically ill

Writing these posts, and reading the replies, has made me think. Perhaps my issue isn't just with the child, perhaps I have as many problems with my partner as I do with her son...

Yes it's not so much the child, but the parenting. The little boy needs his parents to step up too.

It is the parenting.

Unless it's undiagnosed SN, children are not born this was. All behaviour is learned. If it doesn't get dealt with now , he will have massive social problems as he starts getting older.

Try and come up with a plan that you both can work. Work as a team, when she is giving in, you step up and take the reigns. Discuss this before hand. So you are both ready. This child needs really good solid parenting. That's not easy. It's not about giving in or being the good guy.

You need to sit gf down and get it all out in the open. Tell her how you feel about being close to walking. Tell her you want to be part if the solution.

Why don't you both sit down and start off looking for some good sleep websites. Then go on from there with dealing with bad behaviour. It may open the door.

If she is not open to any if this then I'd end it. You don't need it.

b) my partner caves and let's him have his way

And there lies a problem that needs tackling. He's throwing the mother of all strops because he knows that eventually he will get his own way as his mum will relent. He needs structure and routine. If he throws a tantrum calmly take him to his room and leave him kick off in there - but do not give in. If he gets to the point of he could harm himself doing so, take everything out of the room that could be a danger. Also if that is the case, he does need help and both his parents need to be told and have it addressed.

Whether or not you do stay, his mother needs to deal with this and soon. There was another thread a few weeks back by a pregnant woman whose ten-year-old thumped her in the stomach and was really a danger to be around. He dictated who was allowed to enter the house, a complete monster. She also had always let him have his way.