I actively dislike my partners son.

[jonjones]

I'm almost certain that this post will get me a barrage of abuse but I need to get this out and I can't think of anywhere else to do it.

I've been with my partner for 18 months now and while I love the bones of her I actively dislike her 5 year old son.

At first I thought that it was because I didn't really like kids (I have a 3 year old son myself who I absolutely adore but I don't really have time for any other kids) but I've since met more parents (usually on trips to the staple location of parents of young children, the play centre) and I don't feel anywhere near the same level of dislike as I do towards my partners child.

My partner is very keen to try for a baby of our own but I can't bear the thought of my potential future child being related to him.

He's a very badly behaved child. He screams blue murder when he doesn't get his own way (and sometimes when he does) or when someone tries to discipline him. He rarely goes to bed before 10pm (it would take physically restraining him to get him to stay in bed, which of course neither of us do) and he purposefully breaks anything and everything he can.

I hate myself for feeling this way, and while I haven't spoken to my partner about it (how could I?), It's starting to get to the point where I can't bottle it up anymore.

[jonjones]

"OP does your own DS ever stay overnight with you? If he does, do you stick to his usual bedtime routine"

He does, at weekends, and yes I stick to his bedtime routine. He's in bed by 8pm whenever he's here. This makes no difference however and my partner's son is still up running riot until 10pm and beyond. Luckily my son is quite a heavy sleeper once he nods off so he rarely stirs during all the commotion. I sometimes wish he would wake up, just so I had a reason to really push my partner to put her son to bed.

"but I can't help feeling that if I was the OP I'd be building up such resentment of my partner over this"

I've come to realize over the past few days that this is starting to be the case. Whereas before I was, wrongly, pinning all my frustrations on her son, I'm now thinking "The only reason he's kicking off like this is because you're not doing anything to stop it".

My partner works very hard to provide for her son (And to whoever asked previously, no, I am not financially reliant on her. We both work and are both on reasonably good wages) and I understand how she's exhausted come the end of the day (I've taken to working 12 hour days just to avoid having to deal with his behaviour) which is why I think I haven't pushed her to put him to bed or stop him taking half the corner shop to bed with him.

[dogfish22]

Interesting development in this thread. I don't think you actually hate the child, there's not much to hate in a 5 year old, they are unfinished personalities and still mostly needs and wants and testing boundaries, and oh boy, that child has none whatsoever (boundaries, that is).

Parenting is all about setting boundaries, without them there is no development/learning, hence it's unsurprising that you think of the boy as underdeveloped (because he basically is, he is missing some major life skills that he should have learned as a toddler).

It goes without saying that your partner is failing as a parent here. I would suggest to her to not to work long hours anymore and instead maybe actually parent her child. On the long run he'll be happier and healthier. At the moment I'm envisioning a secondary school drop out with no friends. But unfortunately most people seem to think that money is important in bringing up a child. It isn't as long as there's food on the table.

I understand that you're worried about crossing your partners boundaries regarding this, but I think you have two choices

1. You walk away.
   
2. You have a serious conversation about these issues with her and work
   

out solutions and stick to them.

I realise that 2. isn't the easy route.

This has got to be the most extreme case of Bi-Parent Disney parenting I've ever heard of, and it has to stop until it's too late for the sake of the child and the mother (and for yours, should you decide to stay).

My SD (now 10) used to scream and hit people and trash her room when she was that age and threw a fit, so not an easy child either. We tackled it by walking away, not paying attention to it and being very firm on the boundaries. It does get better.

It's sometimes not easy to tell apart whether your dislike is for the child or for the situation, but most of the time it's the situation and what you associate with it and who is actually causing it. It's always good to remember that the parents are responsible for a childs behaviour, and that you cannot fix what you did not break.

[Princessjonsie]

You don't hate the child but what you hate is the situation. I have a stepson who has been in my life since he was 10 and his dad always says " well you don't like him" or "you hate him" if I try and have an opinion on his behaviour . He is now 21 and his behaviour has for worse not better over the years . I don't hate him as a person but hate the distribution and chaos he brings into our lives. As he doesn't live with us and visits only a few time a year I can bite my tongue Till be goes away again but if he had lived with us full time I would have had to walk away as it is not fair in anyone in the relationship . Another baby would make it worse

[matildasquared]

I don't hate him as a person but hate the distribution and chaos he brings into our lives.

This is why this thread is depressing. If someone said this about my kid I would dump them.

[jonjones]

I thought I'd give you all a little update.

I had "the conversation" with my partner about how some things need to change and, for a while, it worked. While her son wasn't in bed by 8pm, he was for a good week or so asleep before 10 which was a marked improvement. There were no snacks at bedtime and, if he did something naughty, he was told off (Properly, not half heartedly yelled at to stop from 2 rooms away)

Unfortunately, that didn't last long. Last night it got to the point where my partner went to bed early (well, 10:30pm) and her son was still awake so I said I'd stay up until he went to sleep so I could turn his TV off (After I'd already offered, and had shot down, the suggestion that she turn his TV off and get him to go to bed too).

2 hours later, yes half past midnight, he finally fell asleep. He was up at 6am the next day (of his own accord) and all I got in response from my partner when I mentioned it to her was a tongue-in-cheek "oh god".

I'm at a loss, to the point that I almost don't want my own child to stay over this weekend because if it carries on like this he'll be kept awake by it all.

[Thumbwitch]

Just read all this - how does your partner's son's behaviour affect your child?
What happens if you try to discipline your partner's child?

Have you got any further with separating out your frustrations and resentments, so you're directing them where they belong?

And as an interim measure, try and get a timer on the tv so that it switches itself off at a set time every night.
I'm not the greatest at bedtimes, both my DSs are late to bed (but I mean 9pm by that, not as late as this boy!) and DS1 got into a habit of watching tv in bed when he was sleeping in DH's bed (while I was heavily pg with DS2, had awful SPD and acid reflux and was sleeping on my own in a double bed and we only had 2 bedrooms). So when we finally built DS1 his own room, he had troubles going to bed without tv - so we got one that has no antenna, only plays DVDs, and has a timer. It switches off just after 9:15 and I keep the remote out of his room so he can't switch it back on. He's 6.6.

I agree 100% with you that having a baby with your partner, while your parenting methods are so disparate, would be a mistake. Perhaps you could explain that to her, somehow, very diplomatically - although it might prove terminal for your relationship!

[SnakeyMcBadass]

I'd say this is a deal breaker. I feel sorry for the child, his parents clearly can't be arsed to help him to grow into the best person he can be, but that isn't your responsibility. I'd bow out graciously and leave your partner to ponder just how much she is failing her son.

[jonjones]

"how does your partner's son's behaviour affect your child?"
Thankfully, it doesn't. If it had I think I would have left long ago.

"What happens if you try to discipline your partner's child?"
He screams blue murder, tells me he'll tell his dad, runs to his mum. She just says "Listen to [insert my name]" and that's it. If I REALLY shout at him, like when he was trying to climb out of an upstairs window, she gives me a look that says "don't do that, he's my son"

[Thumbwitch]

Oh dear. She does sound very ineffectual.

Trouble is, at the moment it might not be affecting your DS, but chances are it will start to. :(

I don't know, jonjones - you have to decide whether or not you think it's worth it to pursue this relationship - you don't want to bring another child into it (sensibly), you can't stand her son's behaviour or the way she deals with it, and chances are that your DS will start to play up too when he realises that her DS is getting away with bad behaviour. Double standards don't work with children.

Perhaps you should write a "pros and cons" list of staying/splitting up and see where that gets you - but as I said before you need to make sure you place the blame for the bad things squarely where it belongs.

[Eliza22]

For your sake, for her sake and for the future sanity of this little boy (and any future child) you must leave this relationship. Walk. Actually no. Run, away. She may be distraught but it's for the best.

[fuzzpig]

Just read this and am sorry not to see a more positive update :(

I think you need to walk. You know that if you did have a child with her they are very likely to end up with the same behaviour. I also agree that your own DS is bound to deteriorate too when he is old enough to understand what your partner's son gets away with :(

I feel really sorry for him TBH. Having no boundaries is very damaging for children.

I wonder if you leaving will actually give his mum a much needed wake up call, as that'll be two partners who have left because of his behaviour?

[elastamum]

I think you either have to agree to deal with it together and then both consistently change your parenting style or walk away. But you need to do it soon.

If you let it go, how will things be when this little boy is 12 or 13 and he kicks off when you have both your son and him together?

I am a LP of 2 teenage boys and both are now significantly bigger then me. If I had to enforce discipline on them I would have no power at all. fortunately they are both lovely and are starting to look after their mum.

[jonjones]

To be honest, I've been thinking about whether it would be best for both my partner and her son if I just walked away, but the fact that I have nowhere else to go is stopping me. I have a lot of money tied up in the house we're in right now so couldn't afford to pay the deposit, etc. for a rental property and my only family live hundreds of miles away so to stay there for a while would mean not seeing my own son.

It's selfish I know, but I can't bare the idea of not seeing my son.

[Thumbwitch]

You know that's not a good enough reason to stay.
Bite the bullet and have The Talk - it may have a more positive outcome than seems apparent now, but you need to lay things on the line. At least give her the chance to fix things, if she wants to.

And if it doesn't work out then you need to sort out splitting up; once you've done that you can find somewhere else to live and still be able to see your son. She may not be agreeable to him coming over at the weekends while you're sorting it out, so you might have to find a way to see him elsewhere; but it needs to be done.

[Trillions]

What would happen if you gave your partner an ultimatum?

[MummyA1984]

Just quickly read thru this. Your partner sounds like a bit of a let down in the parenting department! How can she think leaving his tv on til gone midnight is a good idea?! He shouldn't be watching tv in bed full stop, unless maybe a weekend treat. How the hell does he stay awake all day for school?! No wonder he's so naughty, I'm a nightmare if I'm tired let alone if I was 5. It sounds like a terribly stressful situation for you. You have my sympathy! She needs to step up.

[jonjones]

What would happen if you gave your partner an ultimatum?

If I said to her "This needs to get sorted or I'm gone" you mean? I'm pretty sure she'd pack my bags for me.

She knows her son is no angel, but I don't think she quite realises the extent of the problem. Perhaps I can only see it because I'm relatively new to the situation

How can she think leaving his tv on til gone midnight is a good idea?!

I don't think she thinks its a good idea, but it's by far the "easiest" solution. If he doesn't have his TV on or doesn't get his plate full of snacks (sometimes 2 or 3 platefulls) he'll literally scream the place down until he makes himself physically sick and/or passes out and I just don't think she has the energy for it after an 8 - 12 hour work day.

He starts proper school in September and my partner has said that this is when she'll start to implement proper routines so that's another reason I'm reluctant to leave. What if I leave now, and then in 3 months time his behaviour improves markedly?!

[Miggsie]

OP, his behaviour won't improve in 2 months - in fact he is likely to get worse.
Your partner says she will introduce proper routines - yet she has failed to do this in 5 years, I think she is playing you for a mug by fobbing you off.

And the longer you leave the routines and discipline the harder it is. It is quite clear she doesn't want the bother of sorting out her son now, let alone when he is at school which is a HUGE transition and can often be a massive trigger point for children with poor social skills.

Also, your partner is slightly unhinged - she was annoyed you tired to stop him climbing out of a window?????!!!! That alone tells you your place is well below that of her son and she doesn't really value you.

You do need to make plans to go. Your partner is a disaster as a parent and you can't fix it. You are now saying you are staying to have a house, this is not good and I think you need to make plans to separate and get the money sorted out so you can get a place of your own.

[BigPigLittlePig]

Dhs xp is nowhere near as lax as your dp when it comes to parenting, but is less strict about routine, bedtimes, etc.

When dsd started school, xp didn't do anything differently, and is now wondering why dsds behaviour can be challenging, and why she's falling behind at school. So deluded is she, that she has decided dsd has special needs - because it is easier to blame that than take a long hard look at her own parenting and routines.

Just saying.

[dogfish22]

Rule of thumb: Unless the person in question has an incredibly good self-esteem they won't see a situation clearly when they are in it, especially if they are the cause of it. Your DP seems to insist on the road of least resistance instead of the right one. Your partner doesn't seem to see her role in this clearly and is unwilling to facilitate any permanent change. I would prepare to pull out. Very sad for everyone involved really, especially the child.

[jonjones]

she was annoyed you tired to stop him climbing out of a window?????!!!!

I think it was more that I told him off for doing it in the first place and then, sternly, told him never to play with the window again (which, incidentally, he was doing again last night). Maybe it was the fact that I was doing what she should have been doing that annoyed her.

[Thumbwitch]

Well never mind the situation, if she can't handle you dealing with her child as a potential step-parent then you're on a hiding into nothing anyway, I'm afraid.

I agree that she's not going to suddenly be able to implement strict new regimes when school starts. If she's been giving in so far because it's easier, then chances are that is exactly what she will continue to do, so please don't drag this out any longer in the vain hope that it's going to improve. Apart from anything else, once her DS starts school he's going to pick up all sorts of new attitude as well (if mine is anything to go by!), and things are more likely to get worse than better as he will be even tireder and therefore more badly behaved than he is now.

Plus, the longer you leave it, the older your own DS becomes and the more likely he is to start copying the behaviour he sees her DS getting away with.

Do please start planning a way out.

[MeridianB]

OP, this sounds so hard-going. Life must feel like heavy weather right now. I admire your honesty about the situation and the desire to find a solution, especially as you're the only one who seems to be trying.

Does your partner have friends and family who have/could support your line?

I do think life as a step parent can be tricky enough when everyone is well-behaved and happy but I'm sad to say that in these circumstances it's hard to see how you can hold onto both the relationship and your sanity.

[MummyA1984]

She needs to address it now, not wait til September. He can't start school on Monday and sleep from 8pm by the Tuesday... She sounds like she needs help sorting his behaviours - maybe ask the health visitor or doctor? She also sounds massively in denial about how bad his problems are. The longer it goes on the bigger the hole will be to get out of. It sounds like he rules the house, what he says goes?! It's crazy, she's not doing him any favours. Or you! Or herself! I think u really need to put your foot down and say this HAS to stop! She's doing him a disservice as a parent by letting him act this way, as he gets older he won't have the skills he needs to get through life smoothly for example learning about compromise or sacrifice... Basic human skills.

If he starts school and acts like this tho I'm sure they'll address it with her coz he'll be incredibly disruptive to other kids in the class. On the plus side too hopefully he'll be tired from school and maybe sleep better at night!? Good luck with it all.