I actively dislike my partners son.

[jonjones]

I'm almost certain that this post will get me a barrage of abuse but I need to get this out and I can't think of anywhere else to do it.

I've been with my partner for 18 months now and while I love the bones of her I actively dislike her 5 year old son.

At first I thought that it was because I didn't really like kids (I have a 3 year old son myself who I absolutely adore but I don't really have time for any other kids) but I've since met more parents (usually on trips to the staple location of parents of young children, the play centre) and I don't feel anywhere near the same level of dislike as I do towards my partners child.

My partner is very keen to try for a baby of our own but I can't bear the thought of my potential future child being related to him.

He's a very badly behaved child. He screams blue murder when he doesn't get his own way (and sometimes when he does) or when someone tries to discipline him. He rarely goes to bed before 10pm (it would take physically restraining him to get him to stay in bed, which of course neither of us do) and he purposefully breaks anything and everything he can.

I hate myself for feeling this way, and while I haven't spoken to my partner about it (how could I?), It's starting to get to the point where I can't bottle it up anymore.

[doziedoozie]

Can you afford some private advice/support from a child psychologist or similar.
The info is in books if your DP would go there, but if not it is unlikely she will listen to you but someone in a white coat saying this is what you must do might work.

[BarbarianMum]

The very least you need to do is sit your partner down and tell her that the situation cannot go on. If she is prepared to work with you on this, then maybe his behavior can be sorted out. But it will be hugely difficult and I think it would be hard to put yourself through so much stress for a child you don't fundementally care about.

At the end of it you may still have a child that you don't like very much .

Honestly, in your situation I would walk away. If your dp won't commit to sorting this out your only option is to do so.

[pictish]

I'd be off like a cat on a hot tin roof myself.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

You really do only have 2 options: leave, or start a serious discussion with your partner.

Tell her all you've said here. It's hardly going to be news to her that her child is out of control. Do her a favour too - she clearly isn't able to parent him effectively, she needs help - or she will lose him.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I just can't see how you can continue a relationship with someone whose idea of parenting is so different to your own. Even if you never have a child together (and you shouldn't) you can't go anywhere as a couple if you can't reach some kind of accord about raising her son.
I don't think you are terrible for disliking the company of a spoilt, challenging child. However I think you should distinguish between disliking his company and disliking him. He's 5, it's not his fault he has been raised to be unpleasant.

[ZenNudist]

In your shoes I'd leave. Tell her why but it's an uphill struggle for you and not likely to result in you playing happy families. If your dp's ex wasn't still on the scene the situation might be salvageable, but he is and he will continue to countermand your efforts to improve this child's behaviour. It would take all if you working together to turn this round

At your dp giving in to tantrums and letting him do what he wants. Children need boundaries. I feel sorry for them both. At least you have a way out. Take it!

[BuzzLightbulb]

I think you have to give it a go.

Start with the sleep thing, it really is the root of all evil. Cut out anything sugary before bed time, and find something non visually stimulating to do to calm things down before bed, read a story, or get those listening books from the library to play, they can go on for a good while.

Be prepared for the fight, as has been said this has gone on far too long. He may only be 5 but he'll understand if you tell him how things are changing and why.

It could simply be mummy needs to get to bed early and she can't if he's still awake so from now on, mummy and son will get ready for bed together, get pj's on, brush teeth, then mummy will read Ds a story and then Ds will go to sleep.

I've no doubt he will scream and shout but you have to carry out whatever you have said is going to be the routine. He will no doubt carry on in his room, and let himself out time and time again. Each time you have to remind him of the routine and put him back in his room. Ignore flailing arms and legs, just put him back in his room and remind him that both he and mummy are going to sleep now.

You could be up all night doing this, he will eventually sob himself to sleep no doubt. Next night might be easier, might not. If you really get no change after a week or so, then perhaps it is medical/behavioural.

[pictish]

To me, the very idea of having to guide my partner in how to parent their own child in order to make my own life bearable, is just a big no.

It wouldn't just be a case of putting things right with a few frank chats, it would be an ongoing responsibility frought with conflict and frustration, trying to amend bad practices that are already firmly established...and I just wouldn't be prepared to take that on. I want a partner, not a project.

As much as we like to tell ourselves otherwise, love does not conquer all. In truth, often love simply serves to prolong the agony, keeping people in relationships which make their lives unhappy.

I don't think the OP has any chance of working this set up to their mutual benefit. It's a cut-your-losses scenario.

[BuzzLightbulb]

Learn and grow together?

Surely the OP realised he was getting involved with a child when he started this relationship, may have been naive to think they would be happy families but must have had some commitment to his DP to have started on this journey.

Easy way out, and if you can reconcile yourself to it, leaving is the better option.

But if you don't try, you don't know whether you could have ever made a difference to that young life.

Forget that her ex may be lax with the child when he stays there, kids understand there are different rules in different situations. How many parents have used the phrase 'it may be ok in xyz situation, but it's not ok at home so leave it at xyz' time and time again?

If the OP moves on to another relationship involving a child I will bet there will be parenting differences there too. Just a question of degrees.

Maybe I should warn him away from little princesses too? They turn into nasty teenage girls!

[pictish]

But if you don't try, you don't know whether you could have ever made a difference to that young life.

I think that's a big ask.

[drivenfromdistraction]

If you can afford the Millpond Sleep Clinic, they have very good results. I considered using them at one point for sleep issues, but we managed to resolve it ourselves.

However, when I asked Millpond about their methods, it was clear that a large part of it is retraining parents as well as children about good bedtime habits and sleep behaviour. The lady I spoke to said that their 'failures' (she didn't put it like that) are with the parents that are unwilling to change their own behaviour.

I can't see how a step-parent could do it without the whole-hearted involvement (and leadership) from the parents tbh.

[Chocotrekkie]

What do you want out of your life ?

You obviously love her but not her parenting. You both have very young children - its going to be a long long time before you will stop having the kids being the centre if your lives.

I would say that you do not hate the child - you hate the way he has been parented.
To change his behaviour now would take a lot of time, energy and commitment from both of his parents - and as "stepdad" you don't get a say in this. It would have to be their decision but using good parenting techniques and involving specialists as necessary it could happen. His behaviour could improve dramatically. School will be working hard to try to improve his behaviour and will be having discussion with both his parents to try to improve it.

You have a young child - if circumstances changes and you become a lone parent to your own child would you want your current partner to help you to raise your child (who would probably be traumatised by the loss of his mum).

Also most contraception isn't 100% so unless you aren't sleeping together there is a chance she could end up being the mother of your next child. And that child would be forever linked to you and your son.

Your child with her will then be co-parented by someone who's parenting style you disapprove of so much.

I would leave - let her be with someone who shares her parenting ideas.

And you can concentrate on being a dad and potentially meeting some who shares similar outlook on life and parenting skills.

[shey02]

I'm not sure there are any parenting ideals here, the boy is left to just exist and to be...

We all know children need discipline and a sleep routine and firm consequences. If this is left to go on much further, re-education will be much, much harder. If he is like this with everyone, I would not hesitate to seek a referral from a GP for help or to seek advice from his teacher.

I would make it clear to your partner that you have his best interests at heart and also that of your relationship which will clearly not survive if this continues. If she is against change and stepping up, I'd slowly detach and probably leave.

[jonjones]

Over the past few days I've tried to, subtly, drop hints about how much of a problem his behaviour has become and that a bedtime should probably be set.

The first night, although a bedtime wasn't set, my partner did cut out all his sugary snacks that he usually gets (chocolate, crisps, sweets, etc.) and he was asleep early (by his standards) at 10pm.

Unfortunately that's as far as it went. The 2nd night everything was back to normal and when I tried to raise the subject again I got blanked.

I'm at a loss what to do here. I love my partner but I can't carry on like this. It's alright everyone saying leave but in reality life isn't always so black & white.

[doziedoozie]

The 2nd night everything was back to normal

Are people really in this little bubble, this parallel universe where they haven't watched any child rearing tv (Nanny, House of tiny tearaways) or heard discussions on radio about problems in schools with disenfranchised DCs.

I would say a minimum of 2 months is needed to really make a difference to this child, but, although their behavior and bedtimes could be helped in a couple of weeks, probably a year is needed to help long term.

But you've given up the second night. Laughable.

Pathetic.

OP, chuck out the junk food, all of it, ice cream, crisps, biscs (can't believe I am actually having to list what junk food is) and when more is bought you chuck that out too when dp's back is turned. If DC is fussy and hungry he can have bread and butter with jam or peanut butter, not great but not junk.

You give the DC lots of nice attention when he is being good and ignore the bad. You stand outside his bedroom and send him back to bed every time he gets up until he gives in. Previously having removed all electronic toys. This might take a few hours. Obviously you do this everynight until you win.

By the time you have achieved that he should be a nicer little boy, wihout the junk food and getting proper sleep.

Then you start on all the other stuff, but it will be easier to sort if he is a happier more amenable little lad.

[matildasquared]

WTF with the people offering "parenting" tips? The OP's said he doesn't like the kid. He is interested in managing the behaviour to assuage his basic dislike, which is not parenting. A boyfriend of 18 months isn't in a position to parent anyway.

And yay to the people telling him to stay the course because obstacles in your way are to be conquered rather than admit defeat at the first hurdle. "Obstacle"! Classy! I wonder why the kid is so messed up.

Leave this family alone, OP.

[pictish]

Dozie - can't believe you just called the OP pathetic. How completely uncalled for and unfair.
If you think it's a simple case of OP taking over and putting things right, then I'm going to call you naive.

Watch House of Tiny Tearaways and chuck out all the junk food when she's not looking? Really?
He's not Supernanny, and his gf doesn't want his advice. He can't force her to adhere to his parenting values.

Nice idealistic advice there though - perhaps you have a magic wand for him wave as well?

[matildasquared]

It's alright everyone saying leave but in reality life isn't always so black & white.

The right thing isn't easy. You don't like her kid and you don't want kids with her (while she wants another baby). For some reason she's moved you in without realising this. Are you financially dependent on her?

Or OK, don't leave. Throw your weight around with a kid you dislike and call it "parenting," and see where that gets you in the next twenty years. String your partner along by not discussing a new baby (alternately, have a baby and resent baby and wife). Enjoy.

[pictish]

There's not a woman on this site who would sit back and let their partner of 18 months take over, tell them how to look after their own kid. Expecially when he has no kids of his own.

The gf has already watched one partner walk away owing to her son's behaviour...she is not about to have a parenting epiphany spurred on by the OP to happy ever after.

[matildasquared]

Well, he does have a child of his own.

Good point about the previous partner. Part of the problem could be the lad trying to drive these boyfriends away so he and his mum can take some time and heal as a family. I don't blame him.

[pictish]

Oh yes sorry - he does...a 3 yr old...I forgot that, right enough.
Even so...she's still not going to let him call the shots is she?

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

It comes down to this: Do you love her enough to put up with her insolent child for the rest of your life and not allow it to get between you?

If the answer is yes, then you have to make yourself like the child despite his terrible behaviour. You have to try and look through the layers and get to know him during his quiet moments so you can at least tolerate him. But at the same time you should talk to your partner and let her know how you feel do she can also make a choice. She might want to give up on you straight away; she might realise her child is brat and appreciate you at least making an effort.

If the answer is no then you don't need us to tell you that it's not worth it.

I have a niece who is a total brat and very hard to like. It's no longer even just her behaviour; I can't bring myself to like her when she's quiet and behaving either. I've realised much of it is because of the way adults act around her (spoiling her, giving her preference over every other child, thinking she is the most wonderful being on earth), but it's not limited to that. So I don't berate you for not liking a child either.

[TheHouseatWhoCorner]

OP does your own DS ever stay overnight with you? If he does, do you stick to his usual bedtime routine, which might demonstrate to your DP how things could be easier and happier?

[shey02]

Dozie's advice is spot on. I have always been lucky with my dc, even as little ones they were a joy, but when they transitioned from cot to bed, inevitably they'd wander and it did take many nights of standing outside (or sitting with a book) and walking them back to bed every time they got up. Yes, they cried and I didn't mind at all. Walked them back to bed, no chat, quick kiss, go to sleep. Same as dealing with picky eaters, that's dinner, eat it... or toast/butter/porridge so they don't starve. End of. But it takes more than one night more than one confrontation...

Problem is that a) this has gone on so long, the child's personality is totally lost now in the bad behaviour and OP just doesn't like him. Part of this I totally understand and b) The actual parent doesn't seem to care enough to parent the child. If I was the OP, leaving is hard, sometimes it's the hardest thing we ever do, to give up someone we love because of other factors... but I can't help feeling that if I was the OP I'd be building up such resentment of my partner over this, that the relationship would probably be dying anyway.

[HobinRood]

I'm sorry but if his parents aren't prepared to try and combat his bad behaviour by changing they way they've currently done things then you have no hope with regards to your relationship. If they don't tackle this, his behaviour is just going to continue to escalate and so are your feelings towards him.

And I agree with Shey about resentment building up towards your partner about how she's parenting her son if she's not bothered with sticking it out. This little boy has learnt to behave this way because of how he's been parented by mum and dad - he doesn't know any other way.

A lot of your problems lie not in how he's behaving but how he's actually being brought up and their lack of motivation to try and combat behavioural issues that have arisen.