Do I need to shut up or should there be comprimise

[areyoustilltalking]

Hi all,

Ill keep this brief. Have two SD 13 and 10. Am civil with the ex, but she is seriously lacking in parenting skills. However, she is the mother of DHs kids so am polite respectful and helpful where I can but as much as possible leave them to it. I have three kids with DH and one on the way - no one knows about - recently married, was a honeymoon baby that was a pure accident - but despite me having a health condition and being at uni full time, DH put his foot down to a termination so here we are. I also work, take care of an elderly relative so dont have a great deal of time. Am due to be sterilised (excuse spelling) with my C Section. Though it isnt relevant, for the MN trolls, I wasn't the OW - I was his second relationship since the split. Have been with DH nine years (they split when youngest SD was months old, ex had affair, DH went away for planned weekend with the lads, came home, the locks had been changed, OM was living there).

I'm struggling with the SDs and the ex, and DH attitude and lack of respect towards me, and just general gripes I suppose every SM deals with. I sit exams this week at uni. Ex had agreed to just a weekend stay this week for the girls and in return we cover the next half term and teacher training days. We have them three nights a week anyway, but I am nicely stressed, and have a kidney infection to boot so ex said it wasnt an issue. DH is not here this week anyway - he is helping his Mum and brother move his grandmother into an old peoples home and that involves packing up the house. His grandfather hasnt long died, very emotional for them all, and his Mum isnt in great health and his brother currently has a broken arm and foot (through drunken injury but lets not go there) so he is needed there. Ex knows this as she is so far up MIL arse its hard to tell where one starts and the other finishes (there is more to this, im not just being a cow) but I digress.

Both SD knew what was happening, and that my Mum has been coming over to help with my kids. Eldest SD has been ringing at least six times a day to come round. Explained her dad isnt here, today I was met with 'you fat bitch, you never want us there, where is my dad' - I put the phone down, rang DH and the Ex - asked what had gone on for that outburst. Turns out Ex has been leaving them in the house on their own all week, while she took her other kids to places like alton towers. Youngest SD has suspected autism so isn't easy to take on days out, wets the bed at night, runs off, has epic tantrums, but we manage ok, but ex and her DH wont entertain taking them anywhere. Eldest SD doesnt feel comfortable being left with her sister because of her behaviour, but has been all week All day. Ex's SD has been telling eldest SD she isnt wanted there, should move out, is a freak, her dad doesnt want her either he has a new family, she should go kill herself. So explains outburst. Ex refused to discipline her SD as 'sd10 is highly strung and should ignore it'. She refuses to take SD 10 to be assessed as her other daughter has autism and she finds its embarrasing that two might have it, and will look bad on her. Wont even take her to the drs regarding bed wetting.

About 10 mins ago, the SDs were just dropped off, as the ex had had enough of their 'bullshit' and wants to go out. I was told I knew I was taking them on when I married DH and that if im unwell my mum should look after them all. My degree isnt her problem and then asked me for an advance on maintenance. I was gobsmacked. As a favour she'll pick them up sunday tea time. I'm still fuming this woman gate crashed my wedding and spent two hours at my reception, with MIL and SIL slagging off my wedding food, and my dress and my family.

I'm sick of having to tow the line - so I dont upset her, im sick of being put on, as I know have SDs all week, as DH cant let his mum down. He isnt even coming home until friday now - as its a long drive and his family need him. Im sick of having to pay for everything since DH was made redundant including maintenance, as DH is scared she'll stop contact, im sick of how they speak to me, how manipulative the lot of them are. SICK AND TIRED, and ive not even been married that long.

If you've got this far, thank you. Fed up and needed to rant xx

Alita - you are right in that they will never be put first. Aspects of SDs 10 behaviour suggest to me she is autistic and other issues as well. She still hasnt been taken to the doctors re bedwetting - I have pointed out OH could do it, but EX went mad, I'll do it, but hasnt. I made him ring the school, and make them aware of the issue, but to be discreet. That way they can ensure she can get to the toilet in the day if she needs to - remind her quietly as she is now having accidents in the day as well. He spoke to the school about SDs behaviour, they have suggested referring her for assessments but ex hasnt returned the forms, OH could have signed them if he knew but didnt know, so arrangements could be made, if he wasnt so scared of upsetting her. I think in this instance she needs pissing off, as SD comes first, but am i but the mere wife, i dont get an opinion, but I am good for changing pissy bedsheets, and numerous underwear, and the odd slap round the face in the middle of a meltdown. Which wont be happening now im pregnant, as any sign of trouble and shes off to MILs. I have read up on autism but cant prepare, or try to do the right thing until I know what I'm dealing with x

hope you're Ok, I've now read it all and I think you should be so proud of yourself.
All of those people needed putting in their place, you are not their slave for them go treat like this.

And I bet you anything you will have the mil on your 'side' in a year when he's seeing someone else! And they'll all realise what they've lost way too late...

Just awesome. Really well done for standing up for yourself.

I may have missed this but what year are you in at uni? If you still have one or two years to go, I would talk to them about suspending at a good point - depending on when you are due, now you have decided to go ahead with pregnancy, you could maybe do the first semester next year and then take a year off, before you come back to finish. It's worth discussing the options with them early now you have made a decision.

Thank you - I still wonder if I'm going mad, and being evil, uncaring, difficult (any other of the words ive been called by ex, mil, oh this week). Uni is incredibly hard with all of this going on - as is work, as I'm still not very well, though FIL did ask how im feeling - hes been lovely - said he agrees with what im doing and will support me wherever he can. Shame he married MIL - poor bloke lol. MIL and FIL and DH are already feeling the difference, as now I wont pick up the pieces from the ex, they are being called and abused when her demands arent met. Its nice for me not to get it to be fair. Just a shame it took all this for them to see. x

I just went to say well done for making the steps you are making. I think the fact that BIL & FIL are on side says it all, it's not you it's them!!!

Everything counts - I am due weeks before I go back but have discussed part time instead as its more manageable. I manage fine, and my mum is a super star, as are the rest of my family - and theres always childcare. Ill half kill myself I think, going back, but I need something to keep me going, and should have more time once I'm officially a single parent, not just a married woman with a manchild single parent lol. Plus I wont be going back to work so will have more time there, and finances will be better, or not much worse - uni will be two days a week so much better x

I'm in year 2 of my nursing degree and am 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I'm deferring year 3 and going back in the following September. If it was just normal uni I'd probably go back as normal and have a few months of home study but I don't think I'd manage the placements with a tiny one especially as im planning to breastfeed.

Just wondering how things are going for you areyoustilltalking

I'm still plodding on giveetwosheets, the drama keeps on coming, but I didnt expect any less lol. I have been so wiped out the last few days, dead on my feet tired, but half expected that.

Have informed H that I have not interest in continuing with this marriage with the ways things are, i think my exact words were, 'fix up or fuck off' - not nice I know, but dont care. SDs have been here for five solid days, as EX has decided to go away, so they were collected for normal contact, 10 mins before they were due to go home, we were informed she was at the airport, see you in 10 days time. Fuming doesnt even come close. I have done next to nothing for them, no washing, no school runs, no dinner, H has no job no reason why he shouldnt be doing this for his kids.

I have spent time with them though, as they are struggling with their Mums lack of interest in them. Big time. She has taken her husband, step daughter and two other sons on holiday, and deliberately left the girls at home. She apparently couldnt afford to take them all, so instead of scaling the holiday down so they all could go, told them they couldnt, and they would be here instead. Just failed to mention that to us until she was a the airport. This happens with day trips, uk holidays, even trips to husbands family. She has graciously decided to give us notice that we will have them for the summer, as she is working so may as well have them for 6 weeks. H tried to argue but she hung up. I have stayed out of this, as its not really my problem any more, seem to be more of a lodger than anything these days. But I did say he needs to go for residence, as this will have a horrible effect as they get older. EX agreed provided tax credits and child benefit stayed with her, in lieu of maintenance owed, - im like three weeks roughly - err no - and has failed to notice, that I got a phone call from the school, no school dinners has been paid, or after school dance, or three school trips for the girls - so 150 quid straight out for them from me, as they were threatening to withdraw all clubs and dinners - no thank you from H or EX, its just expected. But I keep telling myself its for the benefit of the girls, not those pair of idiots, but its hard to swallow when instead of paying the girls expenses, she pisses off on holiday and leaves them at home, without so much as a grunt from the dick of a dad.

He tried to sleep in our bed last night, and tried to put his arm around me. I got up took my pillows and the spare duvet and went and slept downstairs. Think it speaks volumes really, and I need to push this situation on, limbo is no good for any one xx

Poor you and those poor SDs. What is she going to do if go for residence - stop dh seeing them? Hell no, of course she won't!!!

Shes counting on him not being arsed to go to court, therefore allowing the situation to continue. I've told him it is in their best interests for him to seek residence, with or without me being around. I have said the email saying he could have them if he left the claim for tax credits and cb with her, the unpaid school expenses, the last minute holidays, lack of washing would all help in court. The school would support him seeking residence, the head actually suggested it six months ago. Think he was too scared of the ex and mil ganging up on him, however since I've told him and them to sod off mil is having more and more demands on her leisure time and she doesnt like it, so things are sub artic between her and the ex at the minute.

I have made it clear that I am putting our children and unborn child first. I am not a cash point, taxi or general slave and all of my efforts will be poured into MY children, as if he cant be bothered to sort his daughters, why should I? I wouldn't let it get that far, I care too much, but I need to stop. I am not their mother, or even a relative any more - I feel more anger towards the ex than anything else. She has two girls, who when they are supported, and given the love, care and attention they need could be wonderful, but she cant be arsed. But equally their dad needs to stop being incompetent and a dick and deal with this situation.

I do feel very alone at the moment. Very alone. My blood pressure is sky high, and im just very down and feel isolated. I have a scan tomorrow and havent even told him about it, as I don't want the aggro that results from a conversation. So I'll be alone. Havent told him about my blood pressure, or that they think the baby is small for dates so will be scanned weekly and monitored. Hes started to tell people im pregnant, without my permission , and it makes me sick when people congratulate him like hes a great father, when hes played no part in this pregnancy other than make it miserable. Oh EX did tell SDs before she fucked off on holiday that if its a girl, we'll have two daughters, and H wont want to see them anymore as they will have been replaced. Que hysterics when they got here. I should regret calling her, telling her my pregnancy is none of her business, we should have told them about it, that she a head fucking bitch to say that to her own daughters - and she needs to look at her own parenting - before making it clear to stay away from me, my kids, and my house. Then went to pick up my laptop from FIL as he had borrowed it for the afternoon, his has broken and I have the programs he needs for a evening course he takes. Ex had been over, burst into tears at my 'outburst'. FIL said he asked her if she'd said about SDs being replaced, she said she did, and he said, well you asked for it then didnt you, its an awful thing to say. She said she feels jealous and didnt mean it, then left, I walked in hour later, and without saying a word (MIL was out by then)he high fived me and said she needed telling, hes proud of me, and that yes it will cause hell, but she deserved what she got. I ended up driving FIL to PC World helping him choose a laptop. MIL was almost warm when I dropped him back and set it up. Funny - the minute im the ex, im treated like the daughter in law, when all I ever wanted was consideration in the first place. MIL has bought a baby blanket and teddy so I suppose shes trying. Very trying at times lol x

I really hope the scan goes well, it is all incredibly stressful. I'm not sure what else you can say or do to make dh step up - perhaps speak to FIL about it?

FIL has by all accounts, said hes more concerned about me now im pregnant than the selfish ex (his word) or H. Said H needs to sort this all out once and for all, and get his head in his marriage and family. He needs to be the one to step up without prompting, he needs to think himself about what to do and get on with it. I need to focus on our kids, as he wont, and making sure baby gets here ok. I've always got on with FIL - he seems to be the only sensible one, and he sees through the ex, which helps. Ex asked him to go round, feed her cat and water the plants while she was away - he said he laughed at her - I do think thats a bit of a cheek, but helps to show the ex has no shame and is out of this world selfish x

Just read this thread, can't believe you've had to put up with this and still are putting up with it. It sounds horrendous.

I think asking him to move out for a bit is the right thing to do for your own sanity and to give you some breathing space ( before you throw him out for good that is)!!! But least you will see your doing the right thing. Good luck x

Hope all went well with your scan areyoustilltalking and you are looking after yourself, I can't pick my jaw up off the floor at the recent antics of the mother, unfecking believable. The way your health is at the moment you really have to put yourself first, can you send the SD's to the MIL's.

I would seriously stop giving the mother any money other than what maintance she entitled to, don't see how it would effect SDs as she obviously isn't using it to care for her daughters anyway. Did I read that right they can come live with you so long as she keeps tax credits and cb?

Am glad that you get on with the FIL and he see's ex for what she is.

Do take care of yourself and come back and keep us updated x

Thank you GiveTwoSheets, and KissMy... best name I've seen here - might just adopt it as my new motto lol. Scan went ok, I went by myself. H only noticed I'd been when I put the scan picture on my laptop as a screen saver. Asked how it had gone, and why I hadnt asked him, I said I get no support anyway, I was better off alone. He looked hurt, but beyond caring now, if he had asked me simply how I was before the day I'd of said, but the selfish fuckard didnt so there. The EX came back today, told everyone it was tomorrow so she could have one more night to herself. However, updating your facebook with all of your unpacking when my MIL is a facebook hound is a bad idea. I let her get through the door, have a two hour nap and then dropped the girls off. They wanted to go home, have been sooo badly behaved, but then again, I can understand why given their mothers behaviour. DH asked me if I'd drop them off later, I said I'll drop them off, but at a time thats good for me. Ex looked stunned when she opened the door, the girls had arrived just in time for Pizza as the Pizza Hut delivery guy was right behind us. She went to say something, I told her disappearing on holiday with no notice or thought for the kids is wrong, its not nice to have them dropped off randomly is it. I said bye to the girls and left. I'm fuming its been left to me to drop them off, but after solid days of spitting all over the carpet (big puddles every single day, H was trying but getting nowhere), holes in doors, raving tantrums, pinching, pushing, punching, biting and swearing at me, and the kids, I'd had enough. Youngest DSD actually made a point of coming into my bedroom and weeing herself all over my bed, jumped on the bed, stood there and pissed everywhere, then laughed. I could have cried. I was fuming, I made H wash the sheets, I went and bought all new bedding, and a duvet set and told him when hes washed what she peed on, that is now his bedding for downstairs on the camp bed. I dont know how much of this I can take. I asked him to leave two days ago, he said hes making plans. I also said I want the money I paid out for girls school giving back, I dont care if its him or ex, but I want it back and wont be paying out again. I have also called the school, told them we'd split, and I'm no longer to be used as an emergency contact.

So I'm exhausted, low and fed up. But hey, I knew he had kids as people keep telling me, this is what I signed up for (yeh whatever lol). Thanks to everyone for all of your support though, its helped loads xx

GiveTwoSheets - I dont give her maintenance anymore, H is unemployed and I was paying her with my money, as I thought it was being used to support them, but it clearly isnt. So after her outrageous behaviour I stopped. The school phoned me, as no answer from her or H and said that dinner money, trip money, club money was all outstanding, two terms worth for the both of them, ex hadnt paid it, and if it wasnt paid, they couldnt go on the trips, they couldnt have school dinners or go to their clubs, so I paid the 150 as I hate to think of them missing out because of their mother and idiot dad. But all that would have done is show them both ill foot the bill, so I called the school and had my number removed. Then asked H for the money back, I dont care how he does it, but I'm done paying his bills/for his girls, let alone no financial support with our kids. x

Wow OP what a nightmare situation. You are doing the absolute right thing by stepping out of it all.

I can't believe your DSD's behaviour, how did your own dcs react with all this going on? They must be fed up of it all now too.

Op you are amazing and dealing with it so well. I cannot believe the way you have been treated. Separation definitely seems like the best thing for you. Good luck OP.

Op, You're a wonder. Really brilliant.

OMG it's just getting worse isn't it

The behaviour of you dsds just tells you how bad the situation is. Their mother and father are just a waste of space - I think I would be ringing social services and telling them that the girls are desperately unhappy and being neglected as they clearly are.

Take care of yourself x

I hope you are ok areyoustilltalking

Hi All,

So I'm back with an update and looking for some support. Haven't LTB yet - he has paid for and organised four months worth of marriage counselling sessions (I imagine bankrolled by MIL, due to the thought of what she would be expected to do, if I bailed), and he asked me not to make an major decisions until the counselling had finished. I agreed to this. Mainly because despite all the shit, I want to look my children in the eyes and said I gave my marriage my best shot. Despite the fact my husband is an arse, his ex is the anti christ, and this union made in hell has their kids in the middle. Anyway.....

He has finally found himself a job. He has repaid the maintenance I paid to his ex, so my savings are looking good again, and he has paid me for what I paid out to the school for his DC. He has also had several major discussions with the ex, at his parents house, about what their 'co parenting' should involve. Its hilarious really - co-parenting my arse, but hey ho. FIL did say he made an effort to put his foot down on certain issues, like turning up unannounced and dropping the kids off. He also has made a sensible arrangement re maintenance, based on what we already pay for, what he has been giving her and the time they spend wherever.

So far so good, I wasnt present for these discussions, at my own request, as I have 'not my kids, not my problem' near enough on a t shirt. I want to say things were getting better, but thats not really it, more accurate to say, not getting any worse. I insisted on a proper access schedule, so if anything the SC know what they are supposed to be doing, and it was being stuck to. Until it came out the ex has been having an affair on her DP, and all hell broke loose. Turns out, she needed 'space'. Well she got all the space she needed, whole parks worth when he threw her ass out, and the SC ended up at ours. In her defence within the month she had a new house, FOUR DOORS DOWN FROM OURS. You can probably see where this is going, cant you.

I am of the mind, that my marriage is still in the toilet, despite the counselling. I was hurt by him pretty bad, and he has put me in a dark place. I want time to work on my marriage, doesnt mean I want to exclude SC, not at all, but I want the time and space to work at this. There are other things like the urinating from the younger SC that is pissing me off. Mother hasnt took her to the doctors, and has changed her surgery and wont tell H where it is. In the heat, the smell of piss in the morning is overwhelming, as despite the pull up, it is soaking, and mixed with sweat, absolutely stinks. Our children are fed up with the smell, and I dont want to put up with it, so I don't see why they should. We have tried everything, from limiting fluid at bedtime, to ensuring she goes to the toilet, to reward charts, to a 60 quid bedwetting alarm, no go. She needs to go to the Doctors, but ex wont take her. H has regular spats with the ex over this, but still no joy. SD is nearly 11, I have visions of her periods starting any day now, and her having to put a sanitary towel in a pull up, or just peeing and bleeding into the pull up. Nice. I have tried to disengage, but when you are heavily pregnant and the entire of the upstairs of your house smells like piss most mornings, its hard to take.

H has said he needs my support with certain aspects of SC behaviour, I have said what effects our home and our children when they are here yes, but they are his kids, and he needs to step up. Think we've had a light bulb moment there, until today.

Had a scan for my baby today. H due to come, ex knew she was doing pick up from school, as per the schedule and no flexibility due to scan. We are sat in the waiting room, get a phone call from school, its been an hour since school finished, no one has collected the SC, ex blanking phone. H rings her, her HAIRDRESSING APPOINTMENT has ran over, she cant get them, he'll have to. Instead of ringing my in laws, he promptly gets up and goes to pick them up. Leaving me in the waiting room without a word. I go in for my scan on my own. Called to see consultant after the scan. My baby has structural abnormalities in her heart, and is very small for dates, as well as having talipes. (clubfoot). She will be special care when she is born, require surgery, and my son has clubfoot, so not the end of the world, but involves a lot of treatment.

H was at work when I got home. My Mum dropped our kids off, SC were at MILs, Told my mum what had been said at the hospital, but to be honest, I feel like shit and don't want to talk to anyone. Then SD rings, on about contact for the weekend. I know H is due to be working this weekend, on overtime, as they are swamped, so I said I don't know what is happening, hes not here, I'll get him to call her mother. Ex then comes on the phone, 'sorry to interrupt your little appointment thingy earlier, highlights took longer than I thought - I need you to have them fri - sunday. I said I don't know husband is at work this weekend, you'll need to talk to him. 'Why cant you just have them, you dont do anything anyway' - I said I will have them fri night til sat afternoon, (which is more than she would get if we had split, seeing as he is at work) and was met with 'FFS, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THEM COMING OVER, MAY AS WELL NOT HAVE THEM, YOU DIFFICULT SNOTTY COW.'

Any helpful advice on this essay/rant would be appreciated, I truly feel at rock bottom again xx

Oh dear god. I've just read all this thread and
am

I'm sorry, I would be gone. I don't know how you bear it, honestly.

Stuff the counselling!! He's just using it to buy time!!!

If he was serious he would never have left you at the hospital!
I hope he feels terrible that you had to go through that on your own