Should by boyfriend pay towards kids if he moves in ?

[Catflap1]

How do you manage when partner moves in with you and your children with regards to the kids expenses?

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has been talking about moving in with me as we are expecting a baby together!

We haven't discussed it fully but he seems to think he can take over the rent/council tax and doesn't seem to understand that I will lose my tax credits which would basically leave me nothing as my small wages only just cover my bills I.e car insurance, water, tv, dancing fees, etc and my tax credits weekly cover has/elec, food, school trips, clothes, day to day life etc.

I concerned with his attitude towards the fact I get no maintenace from my ex for my 3 children and while I don't expect him to have to support them 100% I did expect him to have to contribute to family life if he wants to move in to our family home. I get by ok for money working and being topped up tax credits and my children dance (one heavily at competition level) which is expensive and I would not be prepared for them to have to give this up so he could move in yet he has made lots of comments if I can't afford it then they will have to quit etc! And how I need to mske my ex pay for the children as it's not his responsibility (CSA have been chasing ex for 5 years and still not one penny)

I'm a little worried he knew I had 3 kids when we met and I'm concerned that he wants to move in and only support the DC we are having together and my children will end up suffering and losing out on the things they love

Ughhh he sounds vile.

Dump him. Or at least live seperatly. Either way, go to the CSA for maintence.

Hope you're ok OP, this can't be easy to read

OP, say no, and live separately. If he wants to make it work, he can make it work in separate homes. If he is a selfish twat, it won't work in separate homes and you will be better off knowing that before you have meshed everyone's lives completely together.

I lived separately from my partner during my (planned, in our case) pregnancy and for the first six months of my DD's life. Not because my DP was a total arsehole (quite the opposite), but because there were too many issues around blending families for it to make good sense at that time. I have ZERO regrets about living separately, and often wish we'd done it for longer. We are now married and raising DD together in a home with the DSCs. My point is - don't assume that living in one home makes the most sense. Look at all the issues - financial, emotional, the welfare of all the children involved - and choose to do what makes sense.

I don't think your DP is a good bet. But if he turns out to be one in the long run, your family will be stronger for beginning on solid financial ground AND with clear expectations about how responsibilities will be shared.

Sorry but I would leave this man, he sounds petty, mean and entitled.
You sound like you are a great mother and have good systems set up for your DCs and manage really well on your own.
I would keep it that way.

This man is a prize dickhead. GET RID. He's a tight-fisted prick and a bully and a shit father. Under no circumstance move him in. CSA for maintenance.

And no trial, either. This person will make your life and your poor children's lives a misery if he gets his feet under your table.

'No, you will not be moving in. I cannot compromise my children's live for a relationship and should not have to.'

He gives notice and shows up at yours and you don't let him in.

Thank you for all your replies I know everything you are all saying is 100% correct and makes total sense!

I haven't gone into great detail about everything but our relationship has not been good at all the last 6-8 months and we have had lots of issues, the pregnancy came at totally the wrong time and it not going to be something that will fix our relationship..... I know that!

We have had major issues with his drinking, his attitude towards the pregnancy etc and all these thing have had a huge impact and I'm start to see that this is not going to work, this is not the life I want for myself and the children!

I have had briefly heard from him today and I will be speaking to him again when he finishes work and I need to make this clear..... I have done in the past (we have issus every 3-4 weeks) but somehow he manages to turn things around and things just get dismissed and everything go back to normal....... How does he do that ?????

Your children deserve so much more. A tight-fisted, self-entitled, bullying alcoholic. What a tool.

Catflap, it's good you see things clearly. It can be hard to maintain that clarity, it must be especially tough if you are feeling at all overwhelmed by the idea of an unexpected pregnancy.

Don't let him push you and dismiss things. If he starts trying to do this, or to take control of the conversation, step back and tell him you don't want to discuss it until he is willing to respect what you are saying. Don't let him bully you. You do sound like a really good mum, so be proud of that and let it sustain you.

It can be really hard to deal with manipulative, bullying partners, but you sound like you know what is right for you and your kids. Good luck, Catflap.

While the pregnancy was unplanned I'm over the moon about it and so looking forward to my 4th dd arriving! I'm 110% happy and prepared to go it alone, I know I can do it (been there before dd's were 1,3,5 when me and there dad split)

I know I need to be strong and not get pushed into staying in a unhealthy relationship just because I'm pregnant and it seems like the right thing to do!

I know myself and my children will be happier alone, him moving it would just make everyone miserable! Also he has clearly shown he is never going to be a proper step dad to my children Which is what I want, I had a stepdad growing up and he is fantastic in everyday and that's the type of person I want in my children's life

That's the spirit. You don't need this manipulative git. How dare he push you and your kids around and even think of suggesting they go without so he can lord it over everyone in their own home!

He's got it made: pays a pittance for a room and doesn't have the cost of a proper flat to host his son, lower living costs due to parking up at yours 3-4 nights a week for free.

No wonder he wanted to get his feet under your table.

Well done OP in being strong about not letting him move in.
I'm not sure how it's done, but perhaps whilst you have time before your DD is born, gather whatever information you need to apply to the CSA for child maintenance.
You mentioned that he is paid via a dividend which is a bit of a tax avoidance method. He sounds like he is an IT contractor type person, so maybe make sure you are as clear about his finances as possible.

I really wouldn't let his stay overnight anymore, especially as he is paying bugger all. He will have to sort something out for his own DS as he is not prepared to help you with yours.

TBH, it just sounds like he is using you as a convenient stopgap when he can't be at his mates. The sooner you are rid of him the better.

On a final (positive) note, many congrats for your new baby, really pleased she is the silver lining!

Wow, he only pays £150 a month for his son?

I wonder why his sons Mum doesn't go through the CSA?

I think you said he has his own business, Don't be surprised if he manages to wrangle the figures so he ends up paying very little if you open a claim with the CSA.

I have done in the past (we have issus every 3-4 weeks) but somehow he manages to turn things around and things just get dismissed and everything go back to normal....... How does he do that ?????

Probably because he can switch off from it all, the issues are probably not things that are important to him so they don't matter.

He sounds awful.

Please don't let him move in.

£710 a month to live in a house, all bills included, a room for his son and his dick serviced. When he's on 65k/annum and expenses even his car.

I'm not surprised he got arsey when you brought up finances.

Be prepared, he will continue to try to manipulate and bully you. Of course, he thinks he is on to a winner here.

Right now his entire spends is £650 a month. Where is the other £2000+ going?

Sounds like a (part time) cocklodger. You will be well rid.

Ok, I'm trying to be positive here..

It's possible that you and your DD4 can still have a positive relationship with this man. He might not be someone you want as a partner I certainly wouldn't but it's possible that you may both be able to work together to parent your new child.

Presumably he must have some redeeming features or your wouldn't have found yourself in this situation in the first place?

Sounds like a (part time) cocklodger. You will be well rid.

God the strength in you! I'm full of admiration. My amazing mum raised 4 kids alone before she met my stepdad. He was amazing, taking on us four troublesome kids without a quibble and becoming a loving father and husband. I hope that you can find someone who deserves you, if thats what you want. im glad you can see Its not this 'man'.

Write down what you need to say to him. In short sharp bullet points. And don't deviate. Keep repeating your points whenever he tries to turn things round. The words can become your mantra for strength.

I think you'll find the power of us all is behind you when you need it.

Good luck and keep us posted

I think the fact he goes on about your ex not contributing, and gives far less than he should to his own dc, tells you everything you need to know.

The last thing you need whilst pregnant is this idiot telling you what he thinks you should do.

I also think you are great. Being a single mum to 3 is hard work (I remember it well), but being single mum to 3 and dealing with a horrible man whilst pregnant? That's so much harder. Get rid of that millstone around your neck. I really don't think you'll regret it.

There are lovely men out there. Don't settle for an arse.

Definate cocklodger, if he was any kind of man he would want to look after you and the kids, you could have a bigger house and a nice lifestyle on both your wages, instead he wants to crash round your's. What happens after you have just given birth and need help, is he going to cook his own dinner and not feed the kids as they aren't his responsibility, what happens when your daughter needs a lift to her dance class, or school unform needs washing or packed lunches need making, is he not going to do that as it's not his responsibility. Having a man should enrichen your life not not drag it down x

Dont leave yourself and your dc's short OP, good luck for the future

You mentioned that he is paid via a dividend, which is a bit of a tax avoidance method

Not necessarily. This is quite a common arrangement in (amongst other things) the building industry. Generally the person making the payment (ie the employer or client) will submit details of this to HMRC, so it’s quite hard to dodge paying tax on it. But I agree with everyone else that he should NOT be moving in – regardless of his tax status!

Sorry I haven't read all the posts

I had a similar situation with my DP when I moved into his with my DS. Tax credits etc would stop and although working it wouldn't cover all my bills. A long talk with him and he didn't quite get the fact that I came with a family. But my mum had a chat and got though to him, when he understood it he was more then happy to support us both. He just hadn't livid with someone before and it was a new thing for him. Now a few years down the road what's mine is his and it also works the other way round. So it can work.

Hi. I haven't read all the replies on here but I was in exactly your position before DP moved in with me. I sat down with him and worked out our finances and it was agreed that we would both put money into a joint account for the household stuff but both pay for our own children.

Luckily for me my ex pays quite generous child maintenance and will happily pay half for holidays etc. but if this hadn't been the case then I would have struggled and couldn't have managed without my tax credits and if his attitude had been like your DPs I wouldn't have let him move in, or I would have insisted that he made up the shortfall from my tax credits and paid half the bills.

Thanks for the replies, I will be having a long chat with him tonight/tomorrow and see what happens from there!

Need to make a few points one bring how at Xmas he didn't want to move in here yet but now does, I don't think a baby is the right reason to do this when he was so insistsnt that he wasn't ready!

Also I have a huge problem with how he thinks of my children, I grew up with 3 sisters (2 oldest had different dad,but my dad brought them up as his own and no one would know we had different dads unless we told them) I certain that I will not allow my children will feel or be treated any different to the new baby as far as I'm concerned my children are 100% sisters, I think we will have a few problems with him only wanting myself, his son and the baby going along to any of his family things!

I will report back and update after our chat