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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should by boyfriend pay towards kids if he moves in ?

137 replies

Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 21:49

How do you manage when partner moves in with you and your children with regards to the kids expenses?

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has been talking about moving in with me as we are expecting a baby together!

We haven't discussed it fully but he seems to think he can take over the rent/council tax and doesn't seem to understand that I will lose my tax credits which would basically leave me nothing as my small wages only just cover my bills I.e car insurance, water, tv, dancing fees, etc and my tax credits weekly cover has/elec, food, school trips, clothes, day to day life etc.

I concerned with his attitude towards the fact I get no maintenace from my ex for my 3 children and while I don't expect him to have to support them 100% I did expect him to have to contribute to family life if he wants to move in to our family home. I get by ok for money working and being topped up tax credits and my children dance (one heavily at competition level) which is expensive and I would not be prepared for them to have to give this up so he could move in yet he has made lots of comments if I can't afford it then they will have to quit etc! And how I need to mske my ex pay for the children as it's not his responsibility (CSA have been chasing ex for 5 years and still not one penny)

I'm a little worried he knew I had 3 kids when we met and I'm concerned that he wants to move in and only support the DC we are having together and my children will end up suffering and losing out on the things they love

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 15/05/2014 07:30

That he already expects you to fund him most of the week and his son, (and give his son his own room - is he for real?) when he's earning so much is a bad, bad sign.

Chunderella · 15/05/2014 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/05/2014 09:13

I have to wonder if he has any redeeming features at all. He sounds completely arrogant, self-absorbed and of the opinion that the world (and you) should arrange itself to suit him.

On what planet does he think it's okay to expect a women to sacrifice her children's activities, comfort and financial security just to be with him? How much of a fucking prize does he think he is?!

I'd be breaking it off with him entirely, not just putting moving in on hold. People don't change, OP, so I wouldn't hold your breath about him coming around once the baby is here.

alita7 · 15/05/2014 09:21

So his outgoings atm are £500 for rent £max of £500 in maintenance for his son. And whatever food costs for 3 days as he's staying at yours . so he's got around £2500 to spend on food, petrol and whatever the fuck he wants.

He wants to keep on living this bachelor life of Riley AND have someone to do his house work and live with a woman and his baby... can't have it all mate, if you want that pay for it!!! I'm shocked he doesn't have a mortgage on a 4 bed house If that's his pay packet!

Original poster
Catflap1 · 15/05/2014 09:40

That's the other thing his maintenace to his son is only £150 per month it's not done through a CSA and other than that he will pay half toward svhool trips, football subs etc if it's his weekend with him!

He has just called and it didn't go well instead of understanding what I am saying about him being wrong to give notice on his current place without us sitting down and discussing all finances first he just went off on one saying he diesnt want to talk to me again until I give him a def answer of I want him to move in then we can talk about finances then!!!!! I don't think so this needs to be discussed before anything else happens!

Also I have the worry that we shouldn't rush as first few months of new baby will be stressful and could be make or brake time in our troubled relationship! He couldn't cope with family life when his son was born and just carried on leading a single life and had left before his don was 7 months old!

OP posts:
hampsterdam · 15/05/2014 09:48

I think you and your kids deserve better than this shit excuse for a man. he's not even providing fairly for him own ds. would be interesting to know what he splashes his spare 1000++ on every month

croquet · 15/05/2014 09:49

Hi OP - I know almost nothing first hand about this kind of situation but I am good at maths. DON'T LET HIM MOVE IN!

Kerryp · 15/05/2014 09:50

I'm sorry but I wouldn't move in with him if I were you. I know that's prob the last thing you want to hear but he sounds so selfish not considering your other children. My partner understood that I have children and so before he moved in we discussed that if he moved in I wouldn't have a lot but would contribute what I could and he has never grudged paying for anything when it comes to the kids (unless unreasonably expensive or if skint)

Why. Does he grudge your children?
Why won't he even discuss this with you?

alita7 · 15/05/2014 09:57

Tell him it's a no unless he will discuss finances as your loss of £1400 a month even if he pays rent and bills is the reason you cannot do It.

girliefriend · 15/05/2014 10:02

I am sorry op but why are you with this bloke? Confused

What do you get from the relationship? He sounds like a complete nightmare.

I don't understand.

NigellasDealer · 15/05/2014 10:03

Since your last post he sounds even more of a dick

gamerchick · 15/05/2014 10:05

Just tell him no you don't want him to move in.. he's asked a clear question so give him an answer. he's trying to back you into a corner.

the way he's behaving should be a massive red flag, trust your instincts.

UriGeller · 15/05/2014 10:14

He wants to move into a 3 bedroomed house ( with live-in housekeeper and nanny) and only pay his rent and council tax?

He's landed on his feet hasn't he?!

Ask him who will be paying his bills, his groceries and catering and housekeeping fees? His childcare costs for the baby?

marne2 · 15/05/2014 10:22

He sounds like a dick, he is already sleeping at your house 3-4 nights a week so is basically living with you already, sounds like he doesn't pay a penny towards the family ( does he pay for any food, electric, gas, tv license whilst he is staying over? Probably not ), I think he is worse than the father of your other children who does not pay for his children. I would ditch him and go it alone ( or find a man who will treat you right and be part of the family financially as well as emotionally ), you deserve better and your children deserve better.

TitusFlavius · 15/05/2014 10:23

Oh, Catflap, he sounds an absolute nightmare - issuing instructions to you before he's even moved in about how your own children must be deprived of the activities and space they have in order to accomodate him and his little prince.

If he's serious about being a stepdad (and it sounds like he is anything but) then he has to give consideration to your existing children. He isn't, in any way shape or form. If you let him move in, you will end up a great deal poorer and a great deal more miserable, as will your kids.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/05/2014 10:28

Please please don't hand over your independance to this man.

Would you have even considered this pre pregnancy?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/05/2014 10:37

I was going to write a long post picking out loads of examples from your posts which detail what a selfish using cock this guy is. But I really don't think I need to bother.

Please, please don't let him move in. You KNOW he's a using bastard, him taking advantage four nights a week and poncing off you to maintain his son on the weekends is bad enough. Please don't be daft enough to overlook this and let him end up fucking up your life and that of your children.

He knows he's on a sticky wicket - that he plans to make his life a lot easier and richer and your a lot harder and poorer. That's why he's throwing a tantrum - he wants to do anything to stop you thinking properly about it until it's too late - 'we'll sort the finances after I move in otherwise I'll make your life hell.'

There's no grey area here - you've seen the kind of tightwad he is, and it's clear he has no intention of pulling his weight financially or being a proper family.

Put your children, INCLUDING your new baby first and get rid of him.

lunar1 · 15/05/2014 10:38

When a person tells you who they are, listen.

Please don't allow this man to move into your home. He is already dictating to you before he has moved in. He is already expecting your children to have to sacrifice to subsidise his presence. If he is this controlling now imagine how it will be with him living with you, your existing children and a newborn.

In what way will he enrich the life of you and your children?

I suggest you make a pros and cons list, see it in black and white and I think you will find the answer easy.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/05/2014 10:39

He couldn't cope with family life when his son was born and just carried on leading a single life and had left before his don was 7 months old!

Jesus, are you mad?! Just get rid!!!! Read a few threads on here and save yourself a LOT of heartache and dump him NOW. Before you get any more pregnant, so you can get him gone and enjoy your pregnancy and birth.

Really, wake up!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/05/2014 10:42

Oh God, he gets worse and worse.

So rather than having an adult discussion, arranging finances and the other practicalities of living together, he wants you to agree to him moving in first?!

On what planet is that even remotely logical?

And if you agree and then discuss, and he refuses to contribute? Will he then burst in tears and shout "but you said I can move in! So you can't take it back! Nuh!"

You are so much better than this. You are more than capable of looking after this baby. Set up payments through the CSA, arrange contact, and wipe your hands of this man child.
He sounds vile.

I'm so sorry it's turned out like this.

gamerchick · 15/05/2014 10:44

actually that is a good question to ask him.

how WILL he enrich the lives of your and your kids when he moves in?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/05/2014 10:46

I agree.

When dh moved in he said he felt honoured we wanted him as a part of our family.

We felt he added to our family and made it better.

How does your dp make your dcs' lives better?

shey02 · 15/05/2014 10:48

OP You're best off on your own. Your dp is best off living with you, but you will be disadvantaged and the money imbalance will cause you endless problems. Keep it separate.

gamerchick · 15/05/2014 10:48

and go through the CSA for CM... he won't mind considering he's so hot on fathers paying for their kids.

alita7 · 15/05/2014 11:03

he's clearly scrounging off you and your kids already! Which is disgusting really when he earns approx £3000 a month and only has himself to support while paying a tiny bit towards his son, while you have about £2000 a month including housing benefit to support yourself and 3 kids!

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