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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should by boyfriend pay towards kids if he moves in ?

137 replies

Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 21:49

How do you manage when partner moves in with you and your children with regards to the kids expenses?

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has been talking about moving in with me as we are expecting a baby together!

We haven't discussed it fully but he seems to think he can take over the rent/council tax and doesn't seem to understand that I will lose my tax credits which would basically leave me nothing as my small wages only just cover my bills I.e car insurance, water, tv, dancing fees, etc and my tax credits weekly cover has/elec, food, school trips, clothes, day to day life etc.

I concerned with his attitude towards the fact I get no maintenace from my ex for my 3 children and while I don't expect him to have to support them 100% I did expect him to have to contribute to family life if he wants to move in to our family home. I get by ok for money working and being topped up tax credits and my children dance (one heavily at competition level) which is expensive and I would not be prepared for them to have to give this up so he could move in yet he has made lots of comments if I can't afford it then they will have to quit etc! And how I need to mske my ex pay for the children as it's not his responsibility (CSA have been chasing ex for 5 years and still not one penny)

I'm a little worried he knew I had 3 kids when we met and I'm concerned that he wants to move in and only support the DC we are having together and my children will end up suffering and losing out on the things they love

OP posts:

holidaysarenice · 15/05/2014 00:01

Perhaps it might be a better idea if you increased your working hours as well, with do covering the childcare. This would reduce the childcare bill and increase income.

I do partly see both points, he feels that he is paying for ur ex's kids and thus reducing money you and he have for your family. If you had more coming in it might seem more like you had made a bigger effort to be sufficient as a family.

Corygal · 15/05/2014 00:01

Paying the rent and council tax only is a jolly good deal for him - 700 odd a month for food, housing and bills is a bargain for one person, not to mention one person who's just had a baby. He's doing quite well out of this.

mellicauli · 15/05/2014 00:02

If the last 6 months have been a challenge, what are the chances of everything being wonderful when you've had next to no sleep for a couple of days and the baby is crying?

And If there's a chance he won't stay, would you really put your other kids through the trauma of such a bug change.

It's not you insisting that you both provide for the whole family if he moves in. That's just how the benefit system is organised.

ChasedByBees · 15/05/2014 00:02

Please don't let him jeopardise your children's future. Don't let him move in.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/05/2014 00:10

holidaysarenice - "he is paying for ur ex's kids and thus reducing money you and he have for your family"

Um, they're not her "ex's kids", they're her kids, who live with her and come as a unit. He can't just decide to ignore them and build a new family with her, and refuse to have anything to do with the other children in the home. The OP, the knobhead and the new baby won't be a separate family on their own. What a bizarre idea.

Monty27 · 15/05/2014 00:11

OP what is his current accommodation situation? Is he likely to 'gain' financially by sharing with your family, in your home?

IFoughtTheLaw · 15/05/2014 00:20

Isn't he really going to be their stepdad? But he won't contribute to their upkeep?

Blu · 15/05/2014 00:27

He will presumably be swapping paying the whole of a rent for paying half yours, so will be much better off.

Ditto council tax (give or take the 25% discount neither of you would be entitled to.

Will he pay all childcare? How would you manage the childcare and extra costs of a baby plus the dancing if he doesn't move in? Will you be able to support the dancing and the childcare?

It does all sound very difficult.. A magic wand would mean him swooping in and paying his significant salary into a family pot, but unfortunately if he isn't inclined to do that, then the trap you are in leaves not many options. E.g it isn't financially possible, for you, to live with him.

RandomFriend · 15/05/2014 00:32

he has made lots of comments if I can't afford it then they will have to quit

How can you even consider allowing him to move in with this attitude? He will make your kids life miserable if he things like that.

Original poster

Catflap1 · 15/05/2014 00:37

Ok so my wages are £140 per week I don't touch this as this covers all my bills including the £100 rent and £50 council tax I pay a month (I get housing Ben for rest) My wages will still be the same if he moves in!

I also get £300 a week in tax credits part of this is my chikdcare element out of this I pay childcare, gas/elec as on metres, food, petrol, clothing, svhool trips xmd life in general if he moves in I will loose this plus my £50 child Ben!

He is proposing to move in and pay the rent £146 pw and council tax £110 pm! As I will loose out on tax credits my £140 a week I earn will not cover all the bills tv, water, phone, has, elec, food, dance fees, school trips, clothing, birthdays/Xmas, car insurance, car tax, petrol etc for my self and 3 children (this is presuming he funds baby while living here if not then 4 children)

He currently stays here 3/4 nights a week and every other weekend he brings his son, he does not contribute a penny in the way of food, gas, water etc when he is here, we already had this argument few months back as I felt he is getting a pretty good deal as in a warm comfy house, food, hot water etc plus expects a bed for his son every other week and all this costs him nothing! He csnt have his son staying where he stays in week as bloke he shares with has his children at weekends! When we spoke about this he told me if I couldn't afford my bills then I needed to speak to my DC's dad as it was not his problem he had his own bills and son to take care of!

Oh and font get me started on his latest that my kids should give a a bed/room and share a single bed do his son can have a room of his own every other weekend!

OP posts:

Fideline987654321 · 15/05/2014 00:41

Catflap please please please tell us you are not going to let this manchild move in.

alita7 · 15/05/2014 00:42

Cat roughly how much does he earn?

BrianTheMole · 15/05/2014 00:42

Crikey. Don't let him move in. He doesn't sound very nice.

alita7 · 15/05/2014 00:44

But I agree he sounds far too self centred. If he won't even give you money towards what he costs you when he stays over then he won't cough up anything if you live together.

If you are happy not living together stay that way until your dcs fly the nest. If not then I would be splitting up!

Original poster

Catflap1 · 15/05/2014 00:45

He currently rents a room off a friend pays £500 a month all in, no extra bills on top of this really as car expenses go though his company!

I'm 100% that he is not moving in, I think the first few months are going to be the toughest after baby arrived and I honestly don't think he will handle it! I'm thinking more we need to give it six months if living apart see how it goes and if his attitude to "family" and finances change and he does actually want to be a family and lead a family life then we can talk about moving in then!

I'm guessing he is currently not talking to me haven't heard from him since the call earlier which is strange as he will always call in evening before I go to bed! And he didn't pick up my call at 10pm so guess best thing to do is just leave him to it and let him mull it over and contact me!

OP posts:

RandomFriend · 15/05/2014 00:46

That doesn't sound good. He sounds mean if he is staying several nights a week and not contributing at all even to food.

You need to have a really good conversation about budgets with him before he moves in. Otherwise, if he carries on with this attitude, you would end up in situation that is financially abusive.

RandomFriend · 15/05/2014 00:47

Cross-posted with your last reply. I am glad to learn that you are not letting him move in.

Ledkr · 15/05/2014 00:48

I was in a similar scenario even with the competitive dancers and high dance and equipment fees.
My dh just splits everything with me and will often write a cheque for a dance bill a well as take her to festivals or classes if I'm at work.
We wanted to share our lives so what needed paying to do that just gets paid. It's been easy.
It shouldn't be as hard as he is making it, he sounds like a knob.

Original poster

Catflap1 · 15/05/2014 00:48

I don't know what his exact earrings are but know last financal year he earned around 65k but I don't get it all but dividend he gets, he has his own company in the financal industry

OP posts:

Fideline987654321 · 15/05/2014 00:57

Then he can afford to contribute properly if he moves in or pay decent child support if he doesn't.

SpamTroll · 15/05/2014 00:58

How long have you been dating him? He sounds immature.

possiblyprecious · 15/05/2014 05:38

Definitely don't let him move in.

And definitely do ask him to contribute to household costs in some way to cover the times when he and his son stay. You shouldn't have to ask! Especially since there is such a huge discrepancy in income. He should be buying groceries or taking you all out for a meal or fun activity from time to time.

(My DP contributes towards my daughter's costs without being asked despite already contributing to four kids of his own.)

thebluehen · 15/05/2014 07:04

Don't do it.

I went through a very similar situation. He lived in a room, wanted to move in, I worked part time, no maintenance or practical support from ex so had childcare to pay etc etc.

I sat down with him and explained my finances in great detail and made it clear I wasn't prepared to be worse off living together . I was asking for £600 per month which would cover lost tax credits and the cost of his food, council tax etc for his roof over his head,somewhere for his three kids to stay, all food and drink, use of my car (he only had a 2 seater van)and I was prepared to do virtually all housework. He behaved like I was a gold digger! He was mortified that I wanted "so much " from him.

He came up with a plan and a complicated formula where I had to sign over part of my house (I owned my home) to him in return for the £600.

The relationship ended and I went on to meet my current partner, who is the most generous man you could ever meet. . We have our issues, but they're not financial ones!

Ultimately if your partner doesn't want to contribute to your kids, that's his prerogative but that means he can't move in and live with you for the time being and he should respect that.

NigellasDealer · 15/05/2014 07:17

Catflap I have read your posts and would categorically state that you must not let this man move in. Why do these men always want to live off women - are they looking for a mummy or something? ffs

Fideline987654321 · 15/05/2014 07:21

are they looking for a mummy or something?

Eww

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