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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should by boyfriend pay towards kids if he moves in ?

137 replies

Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 21:49

How do you manage when partner moves in with you and your children with regards to the kids expenses?

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has been talking about moving in with me as we are expecting a baby together!

We haven't discussed it fully but he seems to think he can take over the rent/council tax and doesn't seem to understand that I will lose my tax credits which would basically leave me nothing as my small wages only just cover my bills I.e car insurance, water, tv, dancing fees, etc and my tax credits weekly cover has/elec, food, school trips, clothes, day to day life etc.

I concerned with his attitude towards the fact I get no maintenace from my ex for my 3 children and while I don't expect him to have to support them 100% I did expect him to have to contribute to family life if he wants to move in to our family home. I get by ok for money working and being topped up tax credits and my children dance (one heavily at competition level) which is expensive and I would not be prepared for them to have to give this up so he could move in yet he has made lots of comments if I can't afford it then they will have to quit etc! And how I need to mske my ex pay for the children as it's not his responsibility (CSA have been chasing ex for 5 years and still not one penny)

I'm a little worried he knew I had 3 kids when we met and I'm concerned that he wants to move in and only support the DC we are having together and my children will end up suffering and losing out on the things they love

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 14/05/2014 22:57

Yes he should because you will be living as a family.

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 22:58

I'm thinking separate homes is def the way forward for now, the last six months have been a challenge and a strain on our relationship and I don't think him moving in, pressures of a new baby and finances is going to help anything!

I did try and discuss this earlier with him but he took offense that thinks I'm saying I don't want him to have anything to do with the baby..... Which is not the case I was just trying to make it clear we have lots to talk about and finances to sit back and look at before we make a decision.... Didn't go down well he slammed phone down on me!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 14/05/2014 22:59

Sounds like you're only talking about living together because of the baby, that was an accident.
That's not a good reason to move in together, even without the added financial issues!
If his earnings would make you lose your CB, then he's on over £60K, which is about £3500 take home a month.
If he won't have one pot, walk away. (and I say that as the higher earning partner in my relationship)
I don't think I'd want to be with him at all, based on the attitude you describe. At least you know he's a big believer in paying maintenance...
Seriously - he needs to understand how much this would affect you.

Cabrinha · 14/05/2014 23:00

Crossed posting. Bloody hell - just dump. Slamming phone down on you is utterly disrespectful, and your relationship isn't working anyway.
I'm sorry :(

alita7 · 14/05/2014 23:04

just reread your first post, did you say he would take over the rent and council tax? If so then it's not such a bad deal?

AnnieLobeseder · 14/05/2014 23:05

So, his moving in will cost you £1400 per month, and he just shrugs and says your children should give up dancing so you can afford for him to move it.

Well, I'd say that not only should you not move in with him, you should run for the hills. He's not interested in being a family.

BrianTheMole · 14/05/2014 23:06

Separate homes. You need to do the best by your dc. Him moving in, with that attitude, is not the best thing. Your dd should not give up her dance to make way for a man who wants to move in, but not contribute fairly to the family pot.

BOFster · 14/05/2014 23:11

You are not a family though, you are just having another baby. If he wants to contribute financially and to be involved in the child's life, all well and good, but to be brutally honest, I will show my arse on the town hall steps if he sticks around for the long haul.

It sounds like you are doing a good job of parenting your children and helping them develop their interests; PLEASE don't cock that up by having this bloke move in with his half-arsed two-tier approach. You will end up resenting him, and your kids will probably be confused and unsettled. Keep putting them first- they are relying on you.

MirandaWest · 14/05/2014 23:22

If you'd totally lose child benefit then he's earning at least £60k. There's a sliding scale between 50k and 60k.

I find the financial thought of living with my bf is scary in terms of the benefits I would lose. But that's something we will talk about and work out before we do live together.

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 23:24

BOFster please can you let me know time, place and date for arse showing as I would live to be there, I will even join you and show mine!

Alita7 yes he will just pay rent and council tax, I currently get benefits which me I only pay the £150 a month shortful on these!

If he move in I loose £350 per week, I only earn £140 per week which will not cover all the other bills, car running cost, food, children's after school activities, childcare for 4 children etc!

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 14/05/2014 23:41

More about this only paying rent and council tax business....

Does he mean half the rent and council tax? Or all of it? What about utilities? Food shopping. Insurance?

He sounds like a tight bell-end. Would he really be prepared to sit on the sofa of an evening drinking beer and nibbling on Pringles while you can't afford to eat? Or be prepared to go out for meals without you? Trips to the cinema without you?

I'm baffled as to what you ever saw in him.

AnnieLobeseder · 14/05/2014 23:42

I assume you have made it very plain how much it will cost you in lost benefits if he moves in. Which means he's being a tight knob completely and utterly on purpose.

alita7 · 14/05/2014 23:43

ah I see. He can't see that it's a problem because in his mind he's doing you a massive favour by offering to pay your rent and bills but he's failing to understand that you only pay £150 of that yourself anyway and you get lots of money you won't be getting on top of that as well.
He needs to either listen to the fact that even with him paying rent he's costing you £1300 a month and for things to work between you he needs to make sure you can pay for all the things you currently do or he can't move in.
£1300 plus rent seems a lot for him to cover to pay for your kids so I see why he'd be reluctant... BUT HE wants to move in with you and if he wants that then he needs to look out for your family, I'm sure he knew about your kids when you got together, he is/was able to make an informed decision! Plus if he's earning £3500 a month he'd have a grand left after contributing £2500 to the household and the kids... Plenty to run his own car, buy lunch at work, save a bit and have some luxaries!

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 23:46

Annie he will pay all rent £146 per week plus council tax £110 a month

That's all

OP posts:
alita7 · 14/05/2014 23:47

Personally as he sounds like such an arse hole I don't think he'll be around much longer... I'd be more inclined to trial things first - I would let him stay over as many nights a week as you both agree on, continue to have your own places and ask him to contribute a fair amount to food and bills depending on how often he is there as well as paying you for half of what your baby needs. or calculate the csa amount.

Fideline987654321 · 14/05/2014 23:48

alita I think it is more like she loses £1400pcm total if he moves in, but he has offered tp pay rent and c tax totalling £700ish pcm, so she'll still have a shortfall of about £700pcm. Is that right OP?

BOFster · 14/05/2014 23:48

Grin Let me lose a few pounds first, and I'll coordinate something with you...

Seriously, you sound like a lovely mum- this guy is only going to fuck everything up if he moves in. Let him prove his mettle before you even think about it. You are the captain of your kids' ship- don't risk capsizing it by putting a sulky boyfriend with no sea legs in charge of the rudder.

alita7 · 14/05/2014 23:49

I think you'd get 300- 500 a month of him a month If csa were involved if he earned £3500 a month.

Fideline987654321 · 14/05/2014 23:50

Actually, rent and council tax = 743 pcm, so the shortfall is a bit over £650pcm

alita7 · 14/05/2014 23:51

fideline I removed the £150 she is currently paying in rent of the approx £1400 figure.

Either way, the government rightly or wrongly expects him to pay if he lives with you otherwise you would still be counted at independent families living at the same address. So he needs to step up or not live with you.

Fideline987654321 · 14/05/2014 23:53

I think you'd get 300- 500 a month of him a month If csa were involved if he earned £3500 a month.

Yes that sounds about right . So on the face of it, OP, you will be £1000 pcm better off if you live separately and he pays child maintainence, than if he moves in Sad

Fideline987654321 · 14/05/2014 23:54

fideline I removed the £150 she is currently paying in rent of the approx £1400 figure.

Ah ok. Still a mahoosive gap though isn't it?

alita7 · 14/05/2014 23:57

£650 is a lot to the op but not much in comparison to her dp... If I was her dp the answer would be simple, I'd either move in and look after the family or stay living alone until I felt I wanted to do that.

I live with dp and dsd and am pregnant. I'm a student nurse so I only get a bursary but all our money goes in one pot. When I qualify and earn money I will still be happy to just put money in the pot and spend it on whoever needs it. It was the life I chose.

Viviennemary · 14/05/2014 23:59

He doesn't seem to have a clue of the financial implications of him moving in. It might be better if you keep separate homes for the time being till you work out the best way forward financially.

Fideline987654321 · 15/05/2014 00:00

£650 is a lot to the op

Yes excatly - a lot for her to lose. Wheras if they stay as they are she gains £300 pcm (maybe more - plus extra CHB and Tax credit, which hopefully wll more than cover baby's childcare combined)

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