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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should by boyfriend pay towards kids if he moves in ?

137 replies

Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 21:49

How do you manage when partner moves in with you and your children with regards to the kids expenses?

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has been talking about moving in with me as we are expecting a baby together!

We haven't discussed it fully but he seems to think he can take over the rent/council tax and doesn't seem to understand that I will lose my tax credits which would basically leave me nothing as my small wages only just cover my bills I.e car insurance, water, tv, dancing fees, etc and my tax credits weekly cover has/elec, food, school trips, clothes, day to day life etc.

I concerned with his attitude towards the fact I get no maintenace from my ex for my 3 children and while I don't expect him to have to support them 100% I did expect him to have to contribute to family life if he wants to move in to our family home. I get by ok for money working and being topped up tax credits and my children dance (one heavily at competition level) which is expensive and I would not be prepared for them to have to give this up so he could move in yet he has made lots of comments if I can't afford it then they will have to quit etc! And how I need to mske my ex pay for the children as it's not his responsibility (CSA have been chasing ex for 5 years and still not one penny)

I'm a little worried he knew I had 3 kids when we met and I'm concerned that he wants to move in and only support the DC we are having together and my children will end up suffering and losing out on the things they love

OP posts:
SquidgyMummy · 14/05/2014 21:58

Did you not discuss all this before you planned the new baby?
It doesn't sound like you should let him move in

SavoyCabbage · 14/05/2014 22:00

I wouldn't want to move in with a man who was saying that before we'd even begun. I would sit down with him at a table with bills and calculators and work it out. Before he moves in.

GinnelsandWhippets · 14/05/2014 22:08

Yep. Before he moves in sit down, tot up your total combined incomes (including any benefits you will still get when you live together) and then minus the cost of your combined bills/living costs. Then whatever's left gets split/saved accordingly. Think as well about your family income when you are on maternity leave. You and him are making a family together, you are a team, and if you can share a child you can share money.

If he can't deal with that then you need to decide if he's worth the financial difficulty...

needaholidaynow · 14/05/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alita7 · 14/05/2014 22:12

Right so let me try and understand this, is this a simplified version of what your problem is:

-Your ex pays no maintenance (I'm assuming this is because he isn't earning?).
-You work (part time?) and have a low income which is supplemented by tax credits- which pays for everything on top of rent and bills (although if you're having the problem you are having then I would assume it doesn't even cover rent without your benefits)?
-Your dp wants to move in, particularly as you are having a baby together
-Neither you or your dp want your dp to have to support your other 3 children
-You would not have enough money to support your children and pay rent without his help if he moves in as you would have to declare his income to benefit people so your personal income would drop significantly

How many bedrooms do you have?

I would normally say that for rent I would divide rent into two (for the explanation lets assume its £1000)- half for bedrooms(500) and half for the rest of the house(500). You each pay half of the half for the rest of the house (£250 each). With the bedrooms I would divide the one you share in half and the others you would pay for as you have the kids. So if you have a 3 bed place, the rooms would be approx £165 per room, so you would pay £340 for the 2 kids rooms and £82.50 for your room- 420ish and he would pay £82.50...
Bills I would split roughtly 1/3 for him 2/3s for you.

But if you cannot afford because he is moving in then you have to make a decision- either you can just about afford to pay for things in a totally fair but rather anal fashion, and put up with having less yourself while he has plenty of spare money and your new baby is spoilt while your other kids suffer, (which I doubt any good man would allow to happen anyway!) or you say that unless you are allowed to pay a reasonable amount, or half each, for things like rent and bills, but that you'll pay the majority of the food bill or something like that, and that he will pay half of things if he can afford to do so, then he cannot move in, and you will have to continue as you are, and he can have his own place and sleep over most nights or something, so you don't have to put him on the forms.

I can't see how you can put yourself in the position of having so little money and being totally reliant on him to treat you to extras with 'his' money if he isn't willing to just pay half of things. If it was a case of you not loosing any money and you just wanted him to help pay for your kids then I would say you were being totally unreasonable and that he shouldn't have to- but you're not- you are going to loose a lot of money directly because of his money- because the government see it that his money is a family pot, and that he should be contributing, therefore, wrongly or rightly, he has to decide whether to move in and pay for what you need him to due to you loosing the income or not move in...

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 22:15

Thanks for the response

The baby was not planned and was a huge shock!

I will not be entilted to any benefits if he moves in because of his earning ( not sure about child benefit, may still get as children are not his)

While I'm on benefits my earrings won't really vary as my wages are only £5 more a week than smp!

Also just realised I will loose my childcare element and my childcare will actually have to go up after maternity leave as I will have a baby who needs full care while I'm at work and not just the few hours after school the older kids have!

I will loose 300 a week (350 if I loose my CB) which is massive and I just couldn't afford it if he only intends to pay rent/council tax and not contruibe to family life!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/05/2014 22:19

You cannot move in with this man.

needaholidaynow · 14/05/2014 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 22:20

Just to verify my rent is £146 per week I currently pay £100 a month to rent and £52 a month to council tax to cover the shortful of benefits!

My wages are £140 per week

As I would loose all benefits my wages will not be enough to cover bills, children's bills etc!

OP posts:
crazykat · 14/05/2014 22:24

You need to sit down together and make him realise that if he moves in then you will lose everything but your small wage.

Use the benefits checker on entitled2.co.uk with him and enter both of your income details and rent and council tax for your home and see what if anything you'll get.

If you can't afford things like dance for your DCs if he moves in, even if he contributes then you'll have to decide which is more important.

If he thinks he can move in and not help support your DCs then he's deluded and you have to decide if you want to be with someone like that. He knew you already have DCs and chose to be with you so if he wants to live with you then he will have to support you and them and not just the dc you're having together.

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 22:26

While I agree with him that my ex should pay maintenace it's just not that easy, the man works full time off the books and not registered as self employed and CSA can't to inch him no matter how much evidence I give, have been fighting for 5 years!

I just think if we are a family then everything should be shared as a family and money like you all say put into a pot, bills/expenses paid out of that! I don't want to be in a situation where I have nothing and my DC coming home from school with a trip letter and having to ask him for money!

Likewise when we have his son every other weekend at my house he just eats out of the cupboards, uses the water ect like my own children do, there is no difference or that's my cearel I paid for I etc for my child !!!

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/05/2014 22:27

Cat, I was in a very similar position. Same number of dcs etc.

My (now dh) understood that when he moved in I lost all my additional income and childcare. This was never an issue as he was more than willing to see his income as family income.

From day one it has been one pot of money.

I would never have put my dcs in a financially untenable position for his sake.

I'm sorry, but your dp must have been aware that he was getting involved with a family. That comes with responsibilities. If he will not meet them don't jeapordise your family's security for this man.

gamerchick · 14/05/2014 22:30

Do not move in with this person.. I'm serious. You'll experience a whole new world of misery when your money stops and you find yourself struggling.

My husband took me and my 3 kids on.. my ex won't pay CM.. we're not even entitled to tax credits but he even checks my youngests shoes and whips him off into town to get him a new pair if they get a hole or worn because I haven't noticed yet. He'll eyeball his clothes during a growth spurt and will take him shopping for new ones without me even speaking a word. Those are just examples.

If he ever muttered that he wouldn't pay for my kids after moving in because they weren't his responsibility he wouldn't have got a foot in my door. not because I expected it but because it gives a huge shout to how he is with money in general and how his attitude will be towards them... especially if they had to quit stuff just because he had moved in.

Not a chance.

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 22:30

My 3 children have danced since they were 18 months/2 years, the oldest has been dancing for 9 years now and is passionate about it, she does 10 different classes a week and competes all over the country at competition level and also has appeared in west end many times! Her giving it up is just not a option especsilly as I can afford it with how things are, I just could not afford it if he moves in and will only cover rent and c/tax

OP posts:
Fideline987654321 · 14/05/2014 22:32

Just to clarify OP, the CHB issue isn't affected by whether the DC are your DP's biological DC or not - it is purely about his income.

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 22:35

Fedeline thank you then I will lose that to because of his earnings, so I'm looking at being down £350 a week!

I was worried I would get flamed on here but glad to know I am not being unreasonable or expecting to much

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 14/05/2014 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlegreengloworm · 14/05/2014 22:36

I think though in an ideal world he'd move in, it's going to ruin your quality of life.

I would keep things as they are for now op and let him stay over the occasional nigh but not move in.

Just be careful.

alita7 · 14/05/2014 22:36

Well you cannot move in with him then, it would not be fair on the older dcs to loose out, they would resent him and the baby.

Unless he is earning more than £50000- then you will still get child benefit. If he earning anywhere near this much then it is totally unreasonable for him not to pay at least half the rent if he loves you and wants to be with you- I would feel awful having a massive disposable income if my partner could barely pay for food...

If he wants to live with you he will have to try his best to keep you and the kids living at the standard you are, or at least close, without leaving himself with nothing, if not then it is not worth it.

Monty27 · 14/05/2014 22:36

Wouldn't touch him with a barge pole op. Sorry, I know you are having a dc together but that makes 4 dcs, not one.

needaholidaynow · 14/05/2014 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/05/2014 22:44

Yes, he should contribute to the up keepof your dc when you become a family. He takes your dc on when he moves in with you.
Sorry, but you really need all these answers and good communication lines before you plan a family together.
I wouldn't plan a child with a man who had these views.

Original poster
Catflap1 · 14/05/2014 22:47

To verify this baby was not planned, he did not want child to begin with and I make the decision to keep the baby and bring up alone, he then had a change of heart once I had decided and made clear I was not aborting

OP posts:
TheMightyMing · 14/05/2014 22:53

Your last post tells you all you need to know. Dump or keep separate homes - your choice.

mellicauli · 14/05/2014 22:55

This sounds like a recipe for unhappiness. Ask yourself "what's in it for me? " I can't see what..maybe a bit of help with the baby? But not that much, really. I'd him you can't afford him moving in. Sounds like he'd understand that.