I love him but I don't love his kids

[Dodo76]

I realise I am going to get shot down for this but want to be as honest as possible and get some advice. I've been with DP for just over 2 years. We met just a few months after my marriage broke down (emotionally abusive relationship, ex had an affair and left us although now trying to come back) when my DSs were 3 and 1. They are now 5 and 3 and DP has 2 kids, DSD who is 10 and DSS who is 8 who he has 50% of the time. DP proposed a year ago and we are planning to marry this summer. We have been discussing wedding dates and, whilst I am completely in love with DP and we get on brilliantly, I am really balking at the idea of us all living together. As my house is 6 bed and DP has a 1 bed (his kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa the days they are with him), it's logical that they would move in with us. The idea just fills me with dread though. I work full time so pretty much all my income goes on mortgage and childcare. DP earns about 1/3 less than I do but his job is much more flexible with loads of time off during the week and holidays such that he is able to collect his kids from school on the 3 days a week he has them. DP lives with us the half of the week that he doesn't have his kids. but we usually have a sleep over once a week with all the kids plus we have been on holiday all together several times. I seem to end up paying for a lot more than DP. He is here half the week but does not contribute to food or any other costs which I am ok about most of the time on the basis that he isn't properly living here. I also seem to pick up a lot of the costs when we go on outings or for meals etc plus his children will often ask for money for things, which has made me a bit concerned that I am going to be absorbing his costs if we were to move in together which I honestly can't afford as I can only just afford the costs I have. Whilst I think we may be able to resolve the financial side of things, my real concern is how I feel about his kids. DP is amazing with my DSs, fun, kind, attentive, plays with them, reads to them etc etc. I can't fault him. I try hard with his kids but I can't seem to feel the same warmth and enthusiasm he feels for my kids and I am not sure I ever will. They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him which is understandable but I can't help feel irritated by it and wishing he wouldn't mollycoddle them. They seem to like me but I find the weekends they are here a real strain and that I only relax when it's my own children so how on earth can we all live together? If it was every other weekend then I could cope perfectly but 50% of the time is a huge amount of time and would be a massive change for everyone. I genuinely don't know what to do. Help!

Why are you still writing about how much better it would be if his children came eow? You are either completely selfish and deluded or you are just not thinking it through.

You love your partner for the man he is. Put aside for a second the fact that his vision of life seems to have you subsidising him in every aspect if life, do you think he would be the same man you love if he changed to eow contact to suit you?

I think the more likely scenario would be that he would resent you more and more every day. He would resent your children more and more every day because he would be seeing them but not his own.

For all this mans faults his dedication to his children is his driving force in life.

If it is so simple and so much better to have eow contact then, as I said before send yours away, see them eow, marry the man you love.

If he sees less of his children because if you I think he will grow to hate you and your children, will he still then be the same man you love?

(I know you most likely wouldn't want to do this but...) have you discussed with him the possibility of renting out your home and then renting together a new home for you all? And what this would entail regarding equal rent payments. This would be the scenario for many blended families who don't own homes. And the starting point would be for both partners to enter into it with their eyes wide open to the household costs etc.

I think he is being incredibly entitled to think he can move into yours without contributing equally to the household costs.

Lunar, when I say I wish he had them EOW, I mean I wish that he had had that arrangement when I met him. I would not want him to change it now nor would it make him happy to see them only EOW. I suppose I am just contemplating different scenarios in an attempt to pin down the issues and I do often think that that arrangement would be easier as I think most problems would arise from trying to live together with all 4 kids. People are saying that that isn't the key issue, our differences are the main problem, but I honestly love this man and we are very similar in many ways even, in theory, in most of our approaches to parenting, apart from the childcare issue which he says is driven by finance rather than choice. I think I have come to see this as the problem because when it's just him, me and my boys (which is it half the week) everything is great but when DSCs are around it feels like there is so much tension and I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I understand that they must feel threatened but I don't know if I have it in me to make this massive effort with them to get them on my side. I feel like I barely have time for my own kids and that DSCs already have the mum and dad look after them 50;50 every week plus all holidays whereas my kids have me juggling a full time job and looking after them and a crap dad who seesm then when it suits him. I also feel like I have to prove myself to them. Again, I get it but I just don't know it I have it in me. I know that they met DP's previous g/friend (the affair) and can't help but think that it doesn't help that they had had their parents split, then the affair woman then me, although DP says they only saw her a few times. It must make it even harder for them to deal with and it feels like it's down to me to compensate which feels unfair given that it was DP who had the affair. Very very messy and complicated. If only I didn't love him.

I think I have come to see this as the problem because when it's just him, me and my boys (which is it half the week) everything is great but when DSCs are around it feels like there is so much tension and I feel like I am walking on eggshells

That is stepparenting. Really. That's the deal. Yes, it can be better than that (my DH doesn't tiptoe round my DD, for instance) but in many, many cases - that's as good as it gets.

Whether your DSC are full time members of your family, part time EOW, or once a year visitors, that tension and uncomfortableness remains. Hell, my DHs DCs have estranged themselves and there's still tension and I still tiptoe round some issues (why do we have a drawer full of outgrown clothes for a DC who hasn't stepped over the threshold for 6 months, for instance?)

You are looking for something that's not possible. You fell in love with a man with children and they will always need to be accomodated in your lives emotionally, even if the practicalities can be sorted out. If you can't deal with the tiptoeing round and tension, then stepparenting definitely isn't for you.

Frogby, it makes you really wonder why people do it. Does it just come down to if you love your DP enough then you make that effort or do you think it's more about the type of person you are?

Dodo, you mentioned something yourself there which I will be bringing up in our counseling session this week: how the dynamic changes once dps and dsc are together.
Obviously I want my own dh to be able to spend 1 on 1 time with his kids (dss 13 50:50,dsd regular visits, 17), just as I and exh spend time with ds. Although at 16 ds prefers his peers, the opportunity is there should he need it. My problem is that ds spending time with me or his dad doesn't change his overall perception of his sfather or ssiblings, the same interaction between dh and dsc however seems to lead to a "yes, it's just US again, against THEM" reaction, which after 5 years quite frankly hurts. And it hurts more because I see how ds feels excluded, the only one in the house who is really generous and loving all round to everyone.
I don't know why it happens, none of the reasons you give (ow, then you, etc) happened here, and I also feel the need to justify myself.
Btw, we are also renting a house together and I've rented out my flat. It was to make everyone feel equally welcome, in theory it should work, but in practice I don't think it makes a blind bit of difference! Financially maybe, but we don't enter relationships to balance our books... I hope!
If I could start all over again I'd choose to live with ds only until he left home, be really adult about not seeing dp (wouldn't marry him again) during the week, and only spend couple time together at weekends, possibly joint outings once a month... Wish I had listened to my mother

Frog your comments are so true: “but that is stepparenting really, that’s the deal. Yes, it can be better than that, but in many, many cases, that’s as good as it gets.”

I suppose the OP is looking for a magic solution, a solution that doesn’t exist. And I can’t blame her for trying. To put it bluntly – he’s got kids, you can’t do anything about it, get over it. But blended families are not particularly easy, it’s not exactly the fairy-tale we aspire to, and I don’t think many of us set out looking for a relationship in which we’ll have step children. That part of the equation is difficult enough, but when you factor in a partner who’s bringing nothing yet asking for the world – IMO that turns a challenge into an impossibility.

And even without money worries, it’s not the greatest way to live.

Do you think that if you love your DP that much then you are able to make the effort to do the whole blended family thing and if you don't then that's a sign that your feelings aren't strong enough? Just wondering why I feel so strongly that I don't want to do the blended family. So many posters seem to regret their decision to move in or marry and wish they had kept things separate. Maybe it really is better to keep him as a boyfriend. It removes most if not all the risks but at the same time it will feel sad and like a lesser relationship as we will be acknowledging that we cannot live together or marry.

Loveineveryspoonful, you were so good to rent your flat out and move somewhere else to try and make everyone feel welcome. I am just not prepared to do that as it would mean way too much stress and upheaval for the kids and most likely a drop in living standards (sharing rooms etc) from what we have now if DP and I were to split costs equally which i suppose would be the aim. I think it's fear motivating my feelings on this but wondering what this says about my feelings for him, i.e. the fact that I won't take these risks.

Do you think that if you love your DP that much then you are able to make the effort to do the whole blended family thing and if you don't then that's a sign that your feelings aren't strong enough?

No, I don't think it's that.

I think it's about realism - knowing, in advance, that its going to be hard and knowing how much you, and your DCs can tolerate/cope with. Not enough people consider it in advance - did you know that as many as 80% of marriages with children from previous relationships fail?

I think it's about risk - whether you are naturally a risk-taker or not and what experiences you have had in the past. I literally started out from scratch all over again 6 years ago, so I know I can do it; but if I'd fought to keep the FMH, or battled to maintain a particular standard of living, then I imagine that I would be reluctant to risk that for a relationship that I knew would be tough going at times, and where there were no guarantees.

And I think it's about trust. Do you trust your partner to acknowledge the risks and sacrifices you have made, and to put in the effort because you have taken that risk? I suspect that trust is an unspoken issue in your relationship, and it may be that you feel that your DP isn't putting as much at risk, so may not be as committed when the going gets tough.

Dodo the “is love enough” question is interesting …… Yes, love can conquer all sorts of things, but sometimes no amount of love is sufficient to negate major issues.

I found it hard enough dealing with one step child EOW, no other children in the mix, no financial issues – and yet it drove me up the wall for 7 years (til DSS went to Uni) and there will probably be further discord when he’s home from May-September for the holidays. I really do love my DH, and whilst the whole step family situation sent me half insane with frustration, I never regretted marrying him.

However you’ve got a whole lot more to contend with than I ever did, and IMO your biggest obstacle isn’t the step children, it’s your partner’s attitude to work and money. And I’m sorry to say this, but if your partner loved you as much as you love him, I suspect he wouldn’t be such a freeloader.

Only you know what your tolerance levels are.

Just wondering why I feel so strongly that I don't want to do the blended family

I think it's fear motivating my feelings on this but wondering what this says about my feelings for him, i.e. the fact that I won't take these risks.

Dodo in many ways you're fortunate to recognize your misgivings, now rather than later. I do hear you say you love him. That doesn't mean you have to be with him. In fact it might be an act of love to put yourself and kids very clearly first. I hear you say it would be sad to be in a lesser relationship. Depends how you value relationships. If you step back from marriage and moving in plans, and give yourself enough space to focus on yourself and your kids, to me that's not creating an inferior relationship with him, but a healthier one, even if it does feel sad at first.

it makes you really wonder why people do it. Get into relationships? Same could be said about any relationship. Healthy step families still go through the daily challenges that first families go through!

I don't believe it would be a lesser relationship for you not to 'blend' together with his family. It takes the dc out of the equation and makes your relationship about YOU and HIM.

You obviously love him and its not that you don't love him enough, but that you rightly have to put both your own dcs and his dcs needs and wellbeing first and not compromise on your beliefs or values to accommodate his.

Dodo, it says a lot about you that you are being so careful. You have faced lots if criticism on here and you keep coming back, posting your thoughts and feelings.

Despite how you feel about his dc you are thinking about all 4 children before jumping in. Your relationship is just as valid as anyone's and by not blending your children you are respecting the fact that you are very different parents. You are letting things develop naturally rather than forcing things.

Sorry, I am back again! I am still completely undecided about what to do. I want to move forward and marry DP but I don't want to live with his kids. How on earth do I reconcile the two? We decided to postpone the wedding in any event as we have no money but I think we were both secretly relieved as we are in no way ready to marry in August with none of this sorted out. It seems unlikely there is a financial solution or a solution to the living arrangements. It feels really sad but I guess you cannot have everything you want in life. Just feel like I had one shot at a happy family but chose the wrong partner (who was abusive then lied, cheated and left us for the "affair') and because that went wrong I am not entitled to have another family. I wanted more than anything to have a proper family with a supportive fully involved partner but this is never going to be that as DP will always be part of another family. We have also had a few problems with DSS, 8, being quite difficult, rude to me on a couple of occasions. He just seems hugely resentful of DP's relationship with me and I am tired to trying to get him to like me. He resents me and, as awful as it sounds, I think I resent him as he is the reason DP and I can't be together. Totally ready to get shot down. Just wanted to be honest so that I can try to stop feeling like this.

Sensible to postpone. You won't like my reply, but I would not think of marrying him at all, he does not comes alone and never will.

Thanks Delphinium. You're right, I don't like the answer but I fear it is the only answer. I guess it's either compromise or get out.

I think that it is one of those times where you go with your gut feeling rather than jumping in and hoping for the best. At least take it very slowly and see how it pans out, until then keep your independence.

Having skimmed through the thread (sorry, tired) but the thing that jumps out at me is that it sounds like he is using you as a way to get out of his one bed flat and into a big house with room for all his dc without having to pay for it and then for you to subsidise him and his family thereafter

If you were to say to him that it looks like there was a problem with your divorce settlement and that you were to no longer have the house, you'd have just enough money to buy a small 2 bed flat for you and your dc, how do you think he would take it? Would he volunteer to chip in more to add another bedroom for his dc? Or would he get really upset and think that it's totally not fair or off that you are taking away what he seems to see as his right (ie your house, your food, etc). Or if you managed to find a 3 bed flat would he expect your dc to share one bedroom and his to share one bedroom? Or if you were to manage a 4 bed place - would he expect his dc to have their own rooms as they are older and yours to share or would he be happy that as you are paying then your dc get their own rooms? Lots of permutations to work through to find out exactly how he views you and your provision of stuff! You can always discover that the 'problem' has fallen through at a later date but it would be a useful thing to discover how he views you if you don't have everything you have at the moment.

I would definitely also ask him for a contribution to a food kitty - enough to cover approximately what your additional food costs are even if it's not exact - one week you might end up spending a bit more, others a bit less but if he's using all your utilities too then he shouldn't mind chipping in a bit more rather than less. Again - his reaction to your sitting down and telling him that you just can't afford to pay for all this extra food that you are buying will tell you lots.

Totally agree with zipzap, even if its unromantic.
Sometimes it's more loving to be realistic. Had this myself. I took on dh and his kids when he had v little money (exw literally took all, incl huge regular extras over and above cm etc). Although between mil (!) and myself we finally got him to see reason re exw and dsc living beyond his means, he kept a massive pay rise secret from me for years, squirreling the money away (for him, his retirement, dsc? Who knows?), but was happy for me with teachers pay (and min cm from exh) to fund living conditions for us all. We ended up in couple therapy and after 18 months things are beginning to even out...
Believe me, I get your pain at just never getting the lovely family we've always dreamed of! The only thing keeping me sane is seeing how many more great family moments we are having and that I don't know other families (well enough) to feel that they have more. I see it as another job I like doing. All the best x

Cappy is spot on, I think.
Dodo - I didn't do it because I loved my DH more, but because I had none of the foresight you have!

Tbh it is your achilles heel to be so emotionally self-knowing and able to think about the future! Most people on here (I expect) only felt like you do after the reality of the situation sank in...and from there, after a bit of woe is me/what have I done, it's a quick road to deciding to be a big girl and make it work/fake it til you make it. But you've already seen the picture in the crystal lake!!!

I think you should break up and find a non-parent. It's perfectly reasonable not to want a blended / step situation. It depends how old you are, too, I suppose, whether likely matches without kids are out there.

You've been deliberating for 4 months now !
You've postponed the wedding
You don't want to live with his kids

Surely the relationship is over isn't it ?

It's time to let it go. Honestly, this reads like a train crash and I feel really quite anxious for you and your children.

I don't believe you actually love him. You love spending time with him, you love having his company, you love having someone. But it's not him you love. He's not right for you, or your children.

You have to let him go. Life can be good, really good, even without having someone else to share it with for a while.

Also, I really think the fact that your previous relationship was emotionally abusive and you were badly let down by your husband is relevant. You say you feel like you will never have what you want, a loving, happy family unit. You can, and you will. But this will never, ever be it, and you have to accept it and move on. Firstly, because you owe it to yourself and to your children. But also because it will free you to be in the right place at the right time to meet someone who is right for you.

Here's another thought.........when I met my second husband 13 years ago, my 2 children, who I had brought up singlehandedly for 8 years, were away at university. His 2 children were married. We married after living together for 8 years. Now his children are both divorced and he has 6 grandchildren and his daughter is struggling to cope.....he wants to help out with childcare.....I've done my child caring and I don't want to do any more..........my 2 children are now married and live away......I resent these small children.....