I love him but I don't love his kids

[Dodo76]

I realise I am going to get shot down for this but want to be as honest as possible and get some advice. I've been with DP for just over 2 years. We met just a few months after my marriage broke down (emotionally abusive relationship, ex had an affair and left us although now trying to come back) when my DSs were 3 and 1. They are now 5 and 3 and DP has 2 kids, DSD who is 10 and DSS who is 8 who he has 50% of the time. DP proposed a year ago and we are planning to marry this summer. We have been discussing wedding dates and, whilst I am completely in love with DP and we get on brilliantly, I am really balking at the idea of us all living together. As my house is 6 bed and DP has a 1 bed (his kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa the days they are with him), it's logical that they would move in with us. The idea just fills me with dread though. I work full time so pretty much all my income goes on mortgage and childcare. DP earns about 1/3 less than I do but his job is much more flexible with loads of time off during the week and holidays such that he is able to collect his kids from school on the 3 days a week he has them. DP lives with us the half of the week that he doesn't have his kids. but we usually have a sleep over once a week with all the kids plus we have been on holiday all together several times. I seem to end up paying for a lot more than DP. He is here half the week but does not contribute to food or any other costs which I am ok about most of the time on the basis that he isn't properly living here. I also seem to pick up a lot of the costs when we go on outings or for meals etc plus his children will often ask for money for things, which has made me a bit concerned that I am going to be absorbing his costs if we were to move in together which I honestly can't afford as I can only just afford the costs I have. Whilst I think we may be able to resolve the financial side of things, my real concern is how I feel about his kids. DP is amazing with my DSs, fun, kind, attentive, plays with them, reads to them etc etc. I can't fault him. I try hard with his kids but I can't seem to feel the same warmth and enthusiasm he feels for my kids and I am not sure I ever will. They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him which is understandable but I can't help feel irritated by it and wishing he wouldn't mollycoddle them. They seem to like me but I find the weekends they are here a real strain and that I only relax when it's my own children so how on earth can we all live together? If it was every other weekend then I could cope perfectly but 50% of the time is a huge amount of time and would be a massive change for everyone. I genuinely don't know what to do. Help!

There is just so much of this thread that screams end it

• you don't like his kids - my Stepmother doesn't like me and honestly its mutual, most times this will get worse not better. In particularly if you live together even "just" 50% of the time small issues will be come bigger.
• you don't want a blended family - you want to keep your kids and his kids separate - fair enough your call, but you can't do that in one house. Your DC get a ski trip with their private school, and his get one to a YMCA in Wales. Both could be fun but wow that will make for some interesting teenage angst
• You and he have extremely different attitudes to money - I actually think earning power shouldn't be an issue in a couple but with such different views on money and independence I'm actually amazed you got this far.

As I read the whole thread I got the feeling he wanted a sort of "Charles in Charge" arrangement and you were so overwhelmed by the sex you thought it might work. From all you've posted I just can't see how it ends well

(and having written all that - I suspect if this was a reverse Op the advice would have been different....
OP --- I love my DP, he does earn a lot of money and has his kids living with him in a big house. It makes sense for me and mine to move in with him (my DC stay with their Dad 50% of the time). He can offer us so much more in life - we even talked about me working less hours to help with the child care, and maybe even private education. But would people think I'm a gold digger - I do really love him and it would be such a wonderful opportunity for the family. And I love his kids but I worry he doesn't really gel with my kids - he has different parenting style, a bit more strict I guess... hmm but maybe if I was doing the childcare it would all even out more....)

What is a Charles in Charge arrangement? Not convinced about the advice being reversed if I was the man. I have never relied on a man or anyone else to pay for me and certainly wouldn't dream of expecting a new partner to pay for me or my kids. Just who can afford it? It's hard enough paying of your own kids. Also, he is not saying that he will do all the childcare. He looks after his kids weds - sat already but because go t a school near their mum's which is a 40 minute commute on the underground, he would need to collect them then bring them home so wouldn't be back to 4.30 or 5 at the earliest so on Wes-Fri he would't be able to look after my kids. He tries to fit his work into Monday and Tuesday so that he is free to look after his kids weds-fri so wouldn't be free to look after my Dcs on those days either. I might feel very differently if he was offering to help out with childcare but he won't be able to.

he attaches a huge significance to being a good parent

But sadly doesn't think that supporting his family financially has a particularly high priority ......

I suppose he'd almost be a stay-at-home-dad, but only looking after his own children. Scary.

Op, I feel for you.

Your previous marriage was to an emotionally abusive twat.

This relationship is also with one of these, but perhaps not quite so obviously. His blatant insensitivity to your situation is causing you a huge amount of stress and upset.

Perhaps you have never had a relationship with a truly decent man, and so you don't have a benchmark. From the perspective of someone married to a truly decent man, let me tell you that this is not a healthy strong relationship that has any kind of happy future ahead of it.

Given the ages of your respective children, his kids will be leaving school when yours are starting at (private) secondary so I don't think it will be an issue in terms of teen angst and ski trips.

I don't think you should marry him. I honestly don't think your marriage will survive.

Do you think our relationship would survive if we didn't marry/live together? I think the relationship itself in terms of feelings for each other is strong but our circumstances (his kids/my kids) make it impossible. I am so frustrated with not knowing what to do. My heart says yes, risk everything to be with him but my head knows it cannot work. I honestly think that if he had his kids EOW then things could work. Can it really come down to that? If I think about it then I think that the kids all stand to lose too much if we move in together and it does go wrong.

Why do you have to make a decision now. I think there is far less chance of this working out if you two marry (or just live together) because of your circumstances. I think too many people in your position are ruled by their heart and not their head. Don't make the same mistake. If you feel strongly about each other, enjoy the time you have together without all the issues that will surface if you are living together.

As others have said it is easy to see why your DP is anxious to move in - as this would be much more advantageous for him. I've just looked at your original post and you are actually saying that you only relax when it's just your children at the weekend but 50% of the time would be a massive change for everyone and don't know how I'd cope..............I think you know deep down that living together whether married or not is unlikely to be successful, so I hope you follow your head and not your heart. Who knows what might happen in the future - it doesn't mean that you will never live together - just now is not the right time.

Your relationship may or may not survive if you don't move in together but if it doesn't survive then it would clearly suggest that it is not a strong relationship so why would it matter? And you would have avoided all the hassle/expense/upheaval to your children of setting up home together.

As someone else said, you have already been in one emotionally abusive relationship so please, just take your time and concentrate on your children and your career. Really, no man is worth all this angst. .

Dodo, you really need to stop wishing that your partner only had his children eow. He doesn't, he is not going to, it is not an option, it never will be.

Maybe you should just have yours eow, Is that an option?

Hmm.......brilliant post lunar1

Lunar, I know I should stop wishing that. It's not fair and it will never change, nor would I want it to as it wouldn't make him happy. As for me, no, of course it's not an option. Never in a million years. But then I didn't have an affair and voluntarily leave my partner and the family home as DP did to his ex and as my ex did to me. I would never have made the decision to leave my ex DH if it meant only seeing my boys EOW. Never in a million years. My ex had an affair and left us. I asked him not to, to reconsider but he wanted to be with the other woman so I couldn't do anymore. Even then it was an effort to not beg him to stay. I would have given many many things to preserve that family unit. I'm afraid that maybe I am too unsympathetic to DP as I think that if he truly cared about his DCs then he wouldn't have had a (long) affair then left. I wouldn't have that. I am also not at all convinced its in the best interests of the kids to live 50/50 in 2 places. I would hate to live between 2 places, to not have one place to call home. I think these arrangements are often more about the parents than the kids.

U and ur ex have worked hard to have a nice large house and u have done well to keep it after divorce. Don't let him make u feel bad because u are able offer ur kids the best.
I moved in with my gf 2 years ago she has two kids and I helped with DIY bills school run etc and she wouldn't accept a child I help to raise and kicked off over my 3 day access. I was ok for her kids but not mine or even her towards mine resentment kicked in on both parts. I moved out and back into my own place I let out to tenants. We got thru it and I see her 3 nights a week but it works for us. And yes amazing sex will keep u clinging onto to hope . Me and my partner always said it was sex.. If it was crap neither would have tolerated half of the living together issues.

U want family and plans and with this half the week man it won't work. He is doing all he can in other ways as he thinks it will make up for it but it doesn't pay the bills. He has latched on to u and plans make it work as he has a lot to gain. Test him before committing to him.. Tell him u forgot ur card and to pay for day out u have planned or a meal out. Chances are he won't have money or card as he expects u to cough up...

Excuse my text talk I hate typing on an iphone.

Thanks Gunner, all good points. Do you think it's possible to get married without living together? I guess the question is why bother but I love him and want to be with him and commit to him but I increasingly don't see how we can all live together. As you say, I think there would be huge resentment on both sides. Too many differences. I also like the quiet time when he goes and it's just me and my boys and I can really focus on just them. Even though he is lovely he is another person I have to think off when I get home from work and am stressed and just want to catch up with the kids, get them to bed then relax. God only knows how I could factor in dealing with his two as well on 3 nights on the ween. Given that he does not shopping now for the 4 nights/3 days he is here, I can totally see him expecting me to fund all the food bills. We also had a very worrying conversation at the weekend where he tried to make out that I am "asking him" to do all these things, e.g. sign a pre-nup, move to into our house, and that he isn't asking anything from me to which I asked, well we're moving into my house because it is big enough and yours isn't so it's down to practicalities (and I haven't actually even asked them to move in, it's been assumed) and then asked, what is the issue with a pre-nup, surely it is only fair and if the situations were reversed I would gladly sign one to which he replied he didn't think it was fair and that he would prefer that we share everything. Does not bode well. At all.

Dodo run for the hills!
He's a cocklodger!!
He's not asking anything from you except half if everything you have and an easy ride for him and his kids!
I really hope you have enough sense to never move in with this bloke!!!

And def do not marry him!? Marriage is hard enough without all these complications. And to be quite honest, he has dumped one wife already, do you want him dumping you and then claiming maintenance and half your assets?

I am also not at all convinced its in the best interests of the kids to live 50/50 in 2 places. I would hate to live between 2 places, to not have one place to call home. I think these arrangements are often more about the parents than the kids.

This highlights fundamental differences in your and your DPs beliefs and values - moving in together will only magnify those and potentially create conflict.

Your DP (and his ex) presumably have decided that a 50:50 arrangement is best for their DCs - if you don't agree with something that will have a fundamental impact on your own life, it's hard to see how you won't resent it.

I think that if he truly cared about his DCs then he wouldn't have had a (long) affair then left

It sounds as if the honeymoon period is wearing off and you are beginning to question your DPs life choices. Perhaps he has realised that, hence his desire to move in together; but unless you can form a strong emotional partnership with shared values and ideals, blending your families is unlikely to be successful.

Do you think our relationship would survive if we didn't marry/live together? Yes - for a while at least. Not sure it should though. Fundamentally from your description I don't think you are particularly compatible and so why pro-long a relationship which you know has no future. Unless you have nothing better to do obviously.

Despite all of this I really really love him. If it was just him and I then I have no doubt we would be married/living together. But there are 4 children involved. Awful as it is, if he had his DCs EOW then I think it would be much more doable as much less change for all concerned and very little "blending" needed. As for the affair, I can understand why he had it and I try to get over it and not to judge him but it's not always easier and I would be stupid to give it no consideration at all.

my head knows it cannot work

Right there - there's your answer.

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen - particularly with regard to your finances. He sounds like he's really looking forward to moving out of his one-bed flat into your nice big house, reducing his hours, kicking back and living off you. I know what your heart says - but don't trust it. Think with your head!

I had a SM growing up (and a SF, for that matter). She and I fucking hated each other. I can just about tolerate her now, as an adult who rarely sees her, but it took us 20 years to get to that point. As a DC I'd have pushed her under a bus if I'd thought I could've got away with it.

if he had his DCs EOW then I think it would be much more doable as much less change for all concerned and very little "blending" needed

That is incredible naive.

You only need to read posts from EOW stepmums to see how much compromise and flexibility is needed - and the fact that you have DCs as well mean that you will have to blend your families into one household - it's not possible to operate as two distinct family units.

It sounds like you are looking for a reason to justify it not working out - and you've struck on the fact that he has a 50:50 care arrangement as the barrier to your future happiness rather than admit that he's not actually the man you thought he was.

Frogby, surely the issues would be much less though in terms of tensions between the children, rooms, time with each of them etc if they were only here EOW? I have read other threads about couples who have tried to blend and it does seem that, in most cases, you do end up operating as separate families under one roof, which is my fear in all of this.

In an EOW arrangement, you can end up with a "life is presently on hold as we have house guests" situation EOW - I'm not sure if this is any easier than 50/50?

i think if i were to go ahead with marriage / living together i'd insist that he starts contributing now.

seems to me that he is fully intending to be a cocklodger - he's already TELLING you he's going to cut his hours. not to your benefit, but exclusively his and his kids. fair enough of course except that you will HAVE to pick up the bill for that.

when someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

make him pay for his kids on your days out together. ask him to bring food in.

if i were you i'd spend an hour and go and have a coffee with his ex. he's treated her appallingly too. i think you need to go into this with your eyes wide open. right now you're giving him an awful lot of benefit of the doubt. undeservedly in my opinion.

Surely the issues would be much less though in terms of tensions between the children, rooms, time with each of them etc if they were only here EOW

What on earth gives you that idea?

With EOW DSC, you have a scenario where they (and possibly their parents) can resent the extra time and closer relationship their stepsibs have with their Dad. They may compete for attention, their expectations may be that they become the focus of attention EOW.

An EOW DSC can play the im a visitor card - they cant empty the dishwasher because they forget where things go, they didn't know that the house rules mean no mobile phones at the dinner table, and their bedtime is far to early for them.
Do you honestly think that this reduces tensions between blended DCs?

Be honest with yourself. The 50:50 arrangement isn't the reason this wont work. You and your DP are not suited to raising a blended family together. Your values and expectations are too different.