I love him but I don't love his kids

[Dodo76]

I realise I am going to get shot down for this but want to be as honest as possible and get some advice. I've been with DP for just over 2 years. We met just a few months after my marriage broke down (emotionally abusive relationship, ex had an affair and left us although now trying to come back) when my DSs were 3 and 1. They are now 5 and 3 and DP has 2 kids, DSD who is 10 and DSS who is 8 who he has 50% of the time. DP proposed a year ago and we are planning to marry this summer. We have been discussing wedding dates and, whilst I am completely in love with DP and we get on brilliantly, I am really balking at the idea of us all living together. As my house is 6 bed and DP has a 1 bed (his kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa the days they are with him), it's logical that they would move in with us. The idea just fills me with dread though. I work full time so pretty much all my income goes on mortgage and childcare. DP earns about 1/3 less than I do but his job is much more flexible with loads of time off during the week and holidays such that he is able to collect his kids from school on the 3 days a week he has them. DP lives with us the half of the week that he doesn't have his kids. but we usually have a sleep over once a week with all the kids plus we have been on holiday all together several times. I seem to end up paying for a lot more than DP. He is here half the week but does not contribute to food or any other costs which I am ok about most of the time on the basis that he isn't properly living here. I also seem to pick up a lot of the costs when we go on outings or for meals etc plus his children will often ask for money for things, which has made me a bit concerned that I am going to be absorbing his costs if we were to move in together which I honestly can't afford as I can only just afford the costs I have. Whilst I think we may be able to resolve the financial side of things, my real concern is how I feel about his kids. DP is amazing with my DSs, fun, kind, attentive, plays with them, reads to them etc etc. I can't fault him. I try hard with his kids but I can't seem to feel the same warmth and enthusiasm he feels for my kids and I am not sure I ever will. They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him which is understandable but I can't help feel irritated by it and wishing he wouldn't mollycoddle them. They seem to like me but I find the weekends they are here a real strain and that I only relax when it's my own children so how on earth can we all live together? If it was every other weekend then I could cope perfectly but 50% of the time is a huge amount of time and would be a massive change for everyone. I genuinely don't know what to do. Help!

Just to clarify, whilst my preference would be not to live with his children 50% of the time but have them EOW, I of course know and accept that they will be here 50% of the time. It's a given and I would never suggest or want him to change that arrangement as I know it wouldn't make him happy. The purpose of the post was so try to understand and resolve these feelings, if at all possible. If it's a case of, if you have reservations then don't do it then I take the point. After the numerous helpful posts on this thread, I actually think that most if not all doubt about the children stems from the financial issues between me and DP and my worry that I am going to end up paying for a lot of costs that I cannot afford. I think many step parents would agree with me and say that ideally you don't have two different sets of children living in the same house. It's not what I would have ideally chosen for my DSs.

This sounds a bit like me! My dsc were just the same - still are to a degree at 13 and 11 but things have got much better. (Never thought I'd be typing that!!!) Think that I made the mistake of thinking that cos I loved their dad I would love the dsc too - doesn't work like that and why should it when you think about it? Don't give up just re-evaluate and above all talk to your dp and be honest with each other about everything. Good luck!

In a nutshell you're struggling with 3 main issues. Everything else flows from them.

1. How to protect / manage your finances
2. Somebody else's (your DP's) kids being around
3. Yourself - the main issue

These are things that single parents need to be considering well before they meet someone.

On 1. Regardless of whether you have a partner - as you're working hard to make ends meet anyway, have you legally arranged your financial future for your DCs? What if your or your ex's circumstances changed? Do the financial modelling.

On 2. Don't choose selfishness over reality. If your DP was financially better off than you, his relationship with his DCs might be even stronger - could you deal with that? What if something happens to his ex and he has them FT? Could you deal with that? Would you take them all in? It's OK to admit to being shocked, unprepared and even jealous of the relationship between DP and his kids. Rather than trying to change them, you need to decide whether you're up for it. Do the emotional modelling.

On 3. The inconvenient red flag truths. Your ex cheated on you / was abusive - b*stard. But now you've chosen to get engaged to a man who had a marital affair, who you met just months after your marriage break up. Come again? What's going on with you love? Sounds like you need to be in a good place with yourself, well before giving yourself to some bloke. Can I suggest a book - Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Just reading through all the threads again as I am still wondering what to do. Not sure whether to i) keep things are they are/give it more time to see if I can build a better relationship with his DCs so that moving in together isn't such a big issue or ii) end the relationship. It would break my heart as I am completely in love with him but, as everyone points out, he comes as a package and, from all the other threads in this section, even if everything is brilliant, it it still HARD living as a blended family and I feel like I will be setting me and my DSs up for a life of tension, arguments and not feeling at home in our own home not to mention all the financial issues. I love this man but there just doesn't seem to be much upside in living together/getting married. That said, I do really want to live with HIM, see him every day and build a proper family rather than only seeing him half of the week. Would it be a proper family though or two families living in one house? Would I be being selfish if I decide to marry him/live with him as the only reason I am doing it would be to fulfil an emotional need and also to try to create a family for DSs.

have you talked to him about it? have you discussed how you will blend your families? what the boundaries will be? where the boundaries will be? Are you largely in agreement about how children (any children) should be parented? What does a 'proper family' look like? Do you agree what a 'proper family' looks like? Are you broadly in agreement about how to make time for the two of you and what will/won't happen if the ex becomes difficult (his ex or your ex)? Have you actually discussed money with him and how it will work?

Hi again. Sorry things have not moved on for you emotionally, either way.
Have been in tears recently at our counseling session as dh, probably like most men(?) does not feel the need to act fairly or considerately unless told to do so categorically by me at every turn .
Like you I thought Id found THE ONE when we met and although I should have seen plenty of red flags, I didn't, choosing to believe all the really good things about him when seeing him without his kids.
It didn't occur to me that perhaps dh was laying on the romance pretty thick so that I'd be confused and question myself and my obvious selfishness once I had to accept his dc into the bargain...
I always welcomed my ds friends to our home on a v regular basis. I fed them, sometimes looked after sick kids if parents couldn't pick them up sooner etc. so I could never work out for myself why my dsc tend to leave me cold. Is it their sense of entitlement that both parents instilled in them since birth? Is it their rudeness and hostility still occasionally directed towards me which is more upsetting to me than I'd like to admit.
Probably nothing more sinister than different parenting styles with a touch of Disney dad guilt, but in the end they are kids neither ds nor I'd have contact with accept through my marriage to dh!
Atm things are working out better with dss (50:50) by having a mutual friend over a lot, whose also coming on holiday with us too. This way dss, who unfortunately has no friends, is naturally learning more social skills and this is ironing out some bonding creases.
Alas, dsd, has decided its cooler to be bitchy to me again, but as she's nearly 17 I'm just waiting for her to move on with her life. Thankfully she's spending her summer hols mostly abroad... Sadly dh has again given up parenting her, causing this renewed friction between us. It's easier for him to,let her dictate than stand up to her. I wonder how long our marriage is going to last this way?

You sound like a lovely person, are you ready to be ground down and lose your self esteem and question your sanity?

Dodo, please don't rush this.2 years is just about when the doubts appear so listen to your instincts.When you are not together all the time it easy to see the good stuff but I think there are flags.He had an affair, why? Has he discussed this?

Try to imagine a time when he isn't so lovely to you, imagine you did get married what would you do? Would you be prepared to share equity in the house if not make sure you have it legally secured.Have an exit strategy.

I really believe you have the perfect setup now, time as a couple, time with your children, time as a blended family.I was in a similar situation and look back at that time with fond memories.I think I lost more than I gained by moving in together and marrying.
Sadly I don't think love and great sex is enough, as both will fade overtime and you're left with a permanent setup that can't be changed without potentially a loss.

Don't do it. You will be consumed with resentment in no time at all OP.

I earned more than my DH when I was working and have often ended up footing the bill for DSD. Her mother has come to expect it too. DH is more generous than he can afford to be with regards to maintenance and paying for DSD's 'extras' because an already difficult ex would be more difficult if he wasn't. Invariably I end up helping out with the 'extras' (hell would freeze over before I'd pay maintenance to the ex for him). I own the house we live in too and while DH works hard and contributes, it's me that pays for improvements and maintenance.

I've posted about it on here several times but until recently, I was being left to care for DSD most of the time she was with DH as he was working. I eventually put my foot down and he changed jobs to something that enabled him to care for DSD more. So in a way, I'm responsible for him earning less which adds another level of complication to the set up!

I do pay for our kids to got to private school. I don't pay for DSD. The kids are young (DSD is 8, ours are 5, 3 and a baby) but already DSD is starting to pick up on the differences (her main issue atm is that they get longer holidays!) and complain about them. It's not going to get any easier. I do try and treat all the kids the same in terms of having lovely bedrooms, holidays, clothes etc which was easily done when we just had DS but as we've had more children and I've worked less, money has got tighter and it's got more difficult. Resentment has started to fester.

So if you are going to do it, I'd advocate starting as you mean to go on and making it quite clear to your DP (and your SC) that he and his ex are financially responsible for his kids in the same way that you and your ex are financially responsible for your children. I wish I had been more clear about that but I went into my marriage with no children and hadn't thought such issues through at all.

We had a pre-nup. Word of warning; having a pre-nup makes it much more difficult to draw up a will in which only your (dare I say it, "bio") kids inherit from your estate (or it did for us anyway). We are now in the midst of forking out for a post-nup!

Please please don't move him and his children into your home - the impact it will have will be massive, and there are so many unresolved problems here, I'd be very wary about moving in together at all before his children are grown up. Don't underestimate how much financial problems/ resentment can destroy a relationship.

I would carry on as you are for a lot, lot longer... It's still a fairly new relationship in the grand scheme of things.

I think you're fortunate not to get a real roasting from adults who were kids growing up stepfamilies and who sensed a lack of welcome, love or interest from their step parent. Maybe I'll get the roasting, because I'm probably gonna get shot down for this, but I just call it as I see it. Your heart's not in the relationship.

You say you love DH but that there's no upside to moving in / getting married?! True love is about much more than feelings (which can be deceptive on any given day) and getting something back. It's a day by day decision to give and put someone else even before yourself at times (as you know with your kids). It's not blind - it has its eyes wide open - and requires lots of mutual consideration and sacrifice (esp in step families). What on earth would your vows be: simply..."for better, in health, for richer..."only? So when you asked "would I be being selfish to marry him to fulfil an emotional need?" Frankly yes.

Marriages and relationships feed off whatever each person brings in: take IN emotional maturity and wholeness and you're more likely to get that BACK as you're better equipped to weather the storms. Take IN emotional insecurity (which is not a partner's responsibility to fix), with no plans to mature, then you're setting yourself up to get misery BACK - and risking destabilising the kids when they're looking to their parents for a sense of stability.

Why not instead focus on getting support (from friends or professionals) to build yourself up emotionally, as a priority. Concentrate on and enjoy yourself, the kids, family and friends.

You've shared lots of doubts. Count your blessings - and you have quite a few - and move on from this guy.

Cappy, I think it's a bit harsh to suggest the OP seek help from professionals. You imply she has a problem, condition, or state of mind that needs fixing.

Whereas she's simply expressing that she feels wary about her partner's children. This does not require 'professional help'.

If the OP was suggesting she struggled with, for example, in-laws - I doubt you'd suggest counselling or psychiatry. But when anything relates to a step child people get rather OTT.

I wouldn't do it. He doesn't come alone, you get his children for life. At the very least delay it. I would get to know them individually, on your own. Leave him babysitting and spend time alone with them on a one to one.

You definitely need to resolve things before you take it further. Don't just hope for the best.

When you say 'how on earth can we live together?' the answer is that you can't............at the moment.

Be very careful that you don't end up in a situation where he is contributing to the mortgage and therefore has rights over the house (I appreciate that you want a pre nup) but not really paying his way with regards to bills food etc. In the event of a split you might have to sell your home in order to pay him his share and you will have been subsidizing his living costs.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her DH was also unreasonable about bedrooms and wanted all the children to have exactly the same even though they had full time rooms at their mum's.

My friend never got over the feeling that it was her house and she found it difficult when they were all together as she would be running round cooking and shopping for all of them whilst he was being dad of the century.

Pre nuptials don't exist in this country, once you marry everything belongs to both of you and, although you will get most of your assets back if the marriage fails quickly, it will be a HELL of a process to get them back,

Considering he has children and no house it is likely that you will be forced to sell your house to achieve a "fair" split. If he earns much less than you, you may even be asked to pay him spousal maintenance particularly if he is not progressing his career to take care of the children.

Dont.do.it! You are already a free meal ticket, you will just make things worse for yourself and your kids. If he is waiting for you to tie the knot to start contributing rather than starting to contribute financially to your weekends together now he knows what you think, what makes you think he is going to change?

You cannot have four children living in the same house as siblings with two of them going to private school and two not. That is absolutely terrible.you have to treat step children exactly the same financially as you treat your own. We have a blended family, if not all four can sfford something we dont do it. we dont go on holiday and leave behind the steps because we cant afford it, or because their mum isnt contributing.

If you were a man the answers would be so different.

You have some valid points and he should move his lazy arse and do the shopping etc but if you get married y should share everything. You are acting like you have no responsibility for the upbring financially of his children, but if yu get married/live together you morally do. You agreed to get married you therefore take on his kids.

I hope your children thanked you for the iceskating and meal too.

You need to realise what you are takinf on or don't move in together.

Pre-nups do exist in the UK. They're just not legally binding. More of a statement of intent.

And yes, you can continue to use him to fill your emotional needs, you can sit and work out the expenses and ask him to pay for half, outings should be dealt with as each paying for their own expenses.. Just don't marry, I'm sure you will get disappointed about him after a few months, so you need an easy escape.

Ps. If he wants any fairness about his children's schooling, he needs to up his game and pay for it. It is not for your children to be sacrificed to protect his children's feelings.

So he is on a lower income because he stays at home with his kids. That is his choice and therefore he has to forego expensive trips and private school etc. You work full time which enables you to afford childcare and private school and more luxuries.
Both fair and admirable choices but I can't see how you can blend two such opposing situations without some compromise which neither of you really want to do.
I really think you would be better off just staying as you are. Enjoy your time with your kids and let him carry on with his. Insist on going halves on all trips and him contributing to food when he is with you and don't marry him or move him in until you feel 100% ready.

I would agree - keep him as your live out boyfriend and accept his kids and yours will have different upbringings. Much more likely to work out as a relationship that way too.

I've just read through the whole thread, and it seems to me that you're in love with an ideal of him, and the reality doesn't quite match up. You have doubts, but you're hoping someone is going to come on and say, "oh yes, that was us, and we're about to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary, and all we did to sort it out was this." But no one is saying that, everyone is telling you not to do to at all, or at least not to rush into anything - and I'm with that chorus. You're still not sure, and one thing life has told me is that our instincts are usually worth listening to, but we tend to suppress them because we want things to work out (see most of MN for examples.) You're not going to end up with chocolate cake if you're starting with the wrong ingredients, however much you want it.

You said a page or so back that he doesn't pay maintenance, because he has them 50% of the time. Does he cover 50% of all costs? Does he buy school uniform, shoes, non-school clothes, travel cards, school trips, extracurricular activities, whatever else his DCs need? Who sorts out the dentist, haircuts, childcare when they're ill, all that sort of thing? It probably makes sense for only one parent to be doing parts of that, like being registered with a single dentist nearer one home - but for the rest of it, are things really done equally? That might give some idea of how equally he really does things.

But in summary - please don't do it. A decent long term relationship will survive waiting to get together, but it won't survive rushing to get together and papering over the cracks, and you and the children (all of them) have a lot at stake.