I love him but I don't love his kids

[Dodo76]

I realise I am going to get shot down for this but want to be as honest as possible and get some advice. I've been with DP for just over 2 years. We met just a few months after my marriage broke down (emotionally abusive relationship, ex had an affair and left us although now trying to come back) when my DSs were 3 and 1. They are now 5 and 3 and DP has 2 kids, DSD who is 10 and DSS who is 8 who he has 50% of the time. DP proposed a year ago and we are planning to marry this summer. We have been discussing wedding dates and, whilst I am completely in love with DP and we get on brilliantly, I am really balking at the idea of us all living together. As my house is 6 bed and DP has a 1 bed (his kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa the days they are with him), it's logical that they would move in with us. The idea just fills me with dread though. I work full time so pretty much all my income goes on mortgage and childcare. DP earns about 1/3 less than I do but his job is much more flexible with loads of time off during the week and holidays such that he is able to collect his kids from school on the 3 days a week he has them. DP lives with us the half of the week that he doesn't have his kids. but we usually have a sleep over once a week with all the kids plus we have been on holiday all together several times. I seem to end up paying for a lot more than DP. He is here half the week but does not contribute to food or any other costs which I am ok about most of the time on the basis that he isn't properly living here. I also seem to pick up a lot of the costs when we go on outings or for meals etc plus his children will often ask for money for things, which has made me a bit concerned that I am going to be absorbing his costs if we were to move in together which I honestly can't afford as I can only just afford the costs I have. Whilst I think we may be able to resolve the financial side of things, my real concern is how I feel about his kids. DP is amazing with my DSs, fun, kind, attentive, plays with them, reads to them etc etc. I can't fault him. I try hard with his kids but I can't seem to feel the same warmth and enthusiasm he feels for my kids and I am not sure I ever will. They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him which is understandable but I can't help feel irritated by it and wishing he wouldn't mollycoddle them. They seem to like me but I find the weekends they are here a real strain and that I only relax when it's my own children so how on earth can we all live together? If it was every other weekend then I could cope perfectly but 50% of the time is a huge amount of time and would be a massive change for everyone. I genuinely don't know what to do. Help!

That is why OP needs to be very careful, his children don't disappear and get on with their own lives at 18yrs, she will have them for ever. Not living with them but a big presence in their lives. My children are all adults,away from home, but they will still come first in a crisis.

have just reread your thread and I wanted to say how very much I feel for you, and how much I respect the clear sighted thoughtful approach you have taken. I wish I had done that.

Like you, I split from an emotionally abusive husband - and at that time my 3 boys were 11, 8 and 5.

I was the higher earning professional and managed to buy him (ExH) out of the family home ( I live in London, so it was a big thing)
Then I met my DP. And I fell in love. Really really in love, he was not working and so He did some house renovations and some child care for me. I resent(ed) him being at home with MY children whilst I was out working FT to 'provide' for us all.

I moved him in after 8 months. At first it was ok, but now, 4 years later I wish we still lived separately. I still adore him and he me, but the strain of trying to blend families, and especially him living with my kids has almost broken us. Not to mention the resentment I feel about the debt I am now carrying (exclusively in my name)

His relationship with my eldest son - now almost 16 - is really bad; and the next one, now 12 is staring to go wrong. I feel that I may end up with no proper relationship with my children because I imported this man into their lives. I love him, but he is not cut out to be a father to step kids.

stay separate. If you DP cant/wont accept your reasons for this, then sadly he is not the right man.

I too wanted the 'perfect family' after the decision I made to marry the 'wrong man' ... but I don't think that exists in step families

sending you lots of good luck, strength and hugs

I think it is possible for love to conquer these issues. Not in your case though, because that love, the sacrifices and effort involved, has to come equally strongly from both sides. In your relationship, it doesn't. You are giving and he is taking, in almost every aspect of the relationship.

From what you have said, if you move in together, all the sacrifice and effort will be made by you and your DC and all the gain will be for DP and DSC. Either they will be living in your house and making no financial contribution or DP will be making a token payment and taking a share of your house, which you have worked and fought for, for his trouble. He plans to drop his working hours and therefore his ability to contribute even the currently proposed 1/3 to the household costs purely to benefit himself and DSC. it will be of no benefit to you and your DC as he won't be there so they still need paid child care. You would be financing his lifestyle choice and it would come at the detriment of you and your DC.

Even though DSC will have left school by the time your DC are secondary age which would in theory remove the issue of 'playing favourites' (which it isn't at all, but I'd bet good money he has suggested it at some point), it would still be a major financial issue. They would instead be at university and need financial contributions, doing an apprenticeship and need quite heavily subsidising or in their first jobs which aren't going to pay enough for them to be financially independent. Maybe those financial contributions wouldn't be so great as to prevent your affording school fees, but they will likely be enough to seriously dint the 'family' finances and cause ructions.

Simply put, so far your DP doesn't pay his own way at all, expects you to fund his children and resents your DC having more money behind them than his DC have. That will only get worse if you lived together. If he can't afford to pay for his kid's food and trips out now when he works 3.5 days, how will he cover those basics if he drops even more hours, let alone contribute towards all the other household expenses? He wants to only pay money and attention to his kids yet wants you to pay for your kids & his.

Fuck that.

The school issue is one I have myself. I have 3 DC. One is DP's son, the other two are his SDC. The age gap between them means DS1&2 will have left school and uni by the time DS3 reaches secondary school age. When DS1&2 were approaching secondary age, I was a LP on low income with no financial help from their father. Private schooling simply wasn't a consideration. DP is the main earner by quite a margin, but school fees for 2 DC on top of general expenses for 3DC is outside our means. School fees for one child when the other two will be moved out or reasonably financially independent is perfectly manageable especially as both parents would be contributing to those costs.

Circumstances change even within nuclear bio families. There could be a big inheritance or lottery win just after the eldest has left school which means the youngest could go to private school. Should the youngest miss that opportunity because their sibling didn't have it? To suggest that all children should live at the lowest common level to avoid resentment does nothing other than cause resentment tbh. The only difference is who is doing the resenting, the older children who should be better equipped to understand life changes or the younger ones who are denied opportunities within their reach on the elder ones say so or behalf.

Just read all your posts in this entire thread and I'm afraid your DP does sound like a user, albeit a charming user.

I have known so many people in my life who think that other people are "rich" or "lucky" and believe that those other people should be subsidizing them because they are "poor" and "unlucky". These ideas usually have very little basis in reality.

I myself opted to work part-time when my daughter was growing up so that I could spend more time with her, but I was frugal and never expected other people to subsidize me.

And as someone else mentioned earlier on, expecting a single mother of two small children to subsidize his lifestyle is really quite low in my books.