I love him but I don't love his kids

[Dodo76]

I realise I am going to get shot down for this but want to be as honest as possible and get some advice. I've been with DP for just over 2 years. We met just a few months after my marriage broke down (emotionally abusive relationship, ex had an affair and left us although now trying to come back) when my DSs were 3 and 1. They are now 5 and 3 and DP has 2 kids, DSD who is 10 and DSS who is 8 who he has 50% of the time. DP proposed a year ago and we are planning to marry this summer. We have been discussing wedding dates and, whilst I am completely in love with DP and we get on brilliantly, I am really balking at the idea of us all living together. As my house is 6 bed and DP has a 1 bed (his kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa the days they are with him), it's logical that they would move in with us. The idea just fills me with dread though. I work full time so pretty much all my income goes on mortgage and childcare. DP earns about 1/3 less than I do but his job is much more flexible with loads of time off during the week and holidays such that he is able to collect his kids from school on the 3 days a week he has them. DP lives with us the half of the week that he doesn't have his kids. but we usually have a sleep over once a week with all the kids plus we have been on holiday all together several times. I seem to end up paying for a lot more than DP. He is here half the week but does not contribute to food or any other costs which I am ok about most of the time on the basis that he isn't properly living here. I also seem to pick up a lot of the costs when we go on outings or for meals etc plus his children will often ask for money for things, which has made me a bit concerned that I am going to be absorbing his costs if we were to move in together which I honestly can't afford as I can only just afford the costs I have. Whilst I think we may be able to resolve the financial side of things, my real concern is how I feel about his kids. DP is amazing with my DSs, fun, kind, attentive, plays with them, reads to them etc etc. I can't fault him. I try hard with his kids but I can't seem to feel the same warmth and enthusiasm he feels for my kids and I am not sure I ever will. They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him which is understandable but I can't help feel irritated by it and wishing he wouldn't mollycoddle them. They seem to like me but I find the weekends they are here a real strain and that I only relax when it's my own children so how on earth can we all live together? If it was every other weekend then I could cope perfectly but 50% of the time is a huge amount of time and would be a massive change for everyone. I genuinely don't know what to do. Help!

Well, you don't thank your mum when she arranges a day out for the family, or my DCs didn't, though I'm sure they probably knew I had 'done it for them' and would add it to the list of milions of things I had done over the years and appreciate it once they had DCs of their own, or were old enough to appreciate what we DPs had done for them over the years in comparison to many of their friends.

Def put move together on hold.

A lot of things are 'mine' or 'his' in you posts so how on earth will you merge happily. Seems a recipe for disaster to me. Continue as you are. But stop buying all the food and DVDs for their visit if no one appreciates it. DP can do that. And you can pointedly thank him at the end of the weekend!

I really wouldn't blend your families. I know this sounds horrible but financially you are not equals by the sounds if it, your partners children would be watching him play dad in their eyes to your children, who will have a better life style than his. His children will have resent this as they won't see that it is you and your ex funding it.

They will see that they get the rooms your children don't want, the school that wasn't good enough for yours, and I'm guessing lots of other things that go along with it, extra curricular activities.

I completely understand why you aren't prepared to fund all these things for his children but your partner would be a complete tosser to make his children grow up with basically a second class lifestyle. You really need to live separately until they have all left home.

I'm pretty shocked that you are blaming the children and not their dad for all this.

This just isn't going to work!

I know you blame their clinginess on the lack of previous childcare, but I think it is more to do with insecurity dues to their parents split and his relationship with you. It is very common with step kids, especially when the new step parent, doesn't love them. No matter what you do for them and give them, I suspect that they feel the lack of connection with you, which makes them cling to their dad even more.

I don't see how you are going to get this to work, because there will never be any sense of equality in the relationship and between the kids, That will just breed more and more resentment.

Lunar1, it's not that I am not prepared to fund these things for his kids, it's that I simply cannot afford to. Everyone is right in that he is making no financial contribution to the marriage, not at the outset anyway, although we have discussed that once he moves in we would split the mortgage and I would pay 2/3rds, he would pay 1/3. I would want a pre-nup to reflect the fact that I will be paying 2/3rd and to reflect the capital contribution (i.e. the equity in the house at the time we marry). I am wondering if things can ever work out if one partner is financially better off than the other as it means that the children will of course be treated differently. I may be able to scrap together enough to send my kids to private school if need be but there is no way I could ever afford to send 4 kids. I am also worried that he has not been contributing anything, or hardly anything to food or other bills whilst living with me half the week. I had let it go on the basis that he is only here half the week, doesn't eat much and helps out with DCs loads but should I be asking him to pay? I do feel he expects me to pay for everything. How do I address this without damaging the relationship?

He needs to pay his way at the moment before you move forward - so his share of shopping and his dc costs for food and treats when they are in your house. I assume that they eat the food in your fridge when he and they are at your house? Why doesn't he go shopping at 3pm when he has a few hours to do it before you get home from work - it might be because that would mean the would have to pay.?
If he is there half a week that's probably at least a quarter of the shopping not just food don't forget shower gell loo rolls cleaning stuff etc. maybe a contribution to heating bills water etc if you think he/ they use a lot of hot water etc or do washing when they are with you.
He must pay his way for his dc treats and stuff.
Start the ball rolling and see how he reacts.

However he must realise already that you are footing a much larger share of the costs and paying for his dc activities ( how can he not as he must know these things aren't free and he isn't paying) he doesn't seem to want to start paying his way and is seeming to be getting very entitled about his dc and their rooms in your house.

Also think the school issue could be a big elephant in the corner

• I know there are those who say that children in blended families should be treated equally but is it really fair to expect OP to bankrupt herself putting 2 children she's not related to through school when her own children are only able to do so because of funding from the NRP while their bio parents would not be able to afford it? Or would it be fair to deny her dc the chance of an independent eduction because their step siblings parents don't have the means to ?

Going forward your must get legal advice about your house before you get married.

If you don't address it now it won't go away but it could cost your dc their home if you marry/ it doesn't work out and he makes a financial claim on you.

Actually why rush into getting married? You will retain much more autonomy on your own assets as he would have much fewer rights share your assets and income. ( expecting a flaming )

I don't think you should take any more steps towards moving in together permanently until you have spent a few more months continuing as you are but with him taking a fairer share of the food, entertainment and house costs.

I think the private schooling is only an issue because dp is making it an issue.

Your dc are younger so his dc will already be settled in their own schools by the time your dc are ready to start. If they were older than than his dc it the same age I would see it as more of a problem.

He really needs to see he is being very unfair about it.

That should say "or the same age" not "it the same age"

Just wanted to clarify a few things. He often asks, do we need anything, i.e. shopping, but unless I ask/prompt him, never thinks to bring home a pint of milk or bread etc or anything else. He does sometimes bring dinner things with him when he comes over with his kids but rarely buys food when he is there in the week. He does do a lot of DIY though and has bought things for that, e.g. paint, a pack of tiles etc and does lots of the cooking. Am I being fair in thinking he is stingy? He definitely does not contribute nearly enough towards food/wine and nothing towards heating, other costs (he doesn't do his washing at mine but obviously showers etc) but maybe he contributes in other ways. About the schooling, he now says he is ok if I decide to send mine DCs to an independent school but it took a big argument and me standing my ground for him to say that and I am pretty sure he still resents it even if he isn't saying so. Is is a crazy idea to think about getting married in the summer as we planned (with full pre-nip) but not moving in together for another 6 months or a year or so. It's living together that I think is going to cause most issues. Although, on the other hand, I guess there isn't much point in getting married if we cannot live together. As for whether he sees me as a meal ticket, as some posters have suggested, I am hoping that presenting him with a fair pre-nip which flush that out. What do you think?

"Pre-nup"!

It sounds like this is more to do with money than anything else tbh. If you live with someone, whoever earns the most is going to absorb the most costs of course. If you feel resentful about this then you don't love him enough - it's that simple. I would absolutely not get married.

The private school thing is a difficult one. I can see where he's coming from - it will not be very nice for his kids to be living in a 2 tier household.

Absolutely do not get married to him. You will need to find someone who earns more than you for you to be happy IMHO.

A pre-nup is definitely a must.

Have you ever thought about starting again from scratch, buying a new house together and splitting everything 50/50?

If you are to become one family I think you will have to start thinking of your children, not his and yours.

Tbh, I don't really see how this can possibly work.

I would delay the marriage for at least another 2 years. I don't think being married will solve your problems, it will only magnify them, therefore you need to work out solutions well before you get married. You don't need to be married to enjoy a relationship. There is a lot to be said for each having your own space. After all you are asking two sets of children to share their space and their lives with each other. That is a really big ask IMO.

I didn't get married to my (now) DH until we had known each other for 4 years. And there were no children/step children involved back then,

My mum always used to say "marry in haste, repent at leisure". She was absolutely right.

You have a home and a job. You have only relatively recently come out of a relationship and you already have small children. WHY have you been in such a rush to get married again? To someone you've only just met?

It's easy to see why he was in a rush to tie you and your money down.....

Frankly, if you were in a more equal relationship you would not find it so hard to get on with his children. It's the man who is the problem here.

Why are you so eager to marry OP?

Postpone everything for at least a year. Get a weekly or monthly financial arrangement in place. Spend some time building up relationships between all parties. See how things are in another year or so and then revisit the issue of marriage and moving in.

Why does he only shop when prompted ? How does he think the bread milk and the rest of the shopping gets into the house or does it just magically appear in the fridge?

He sometimes brings food for the dc (ie most of the time he does not) and
Ok -he does a bit of DIY but unless your house is totally needing a huge amour of work I would say its not a huge and long term contribution unlike the regular bills and costs. I know paint isn't cheap but how many times you you repaint a room ? You need to eat every day?

He now "says its ok" for your dc to go to independent school - why does he think he even has a say in this ? Why did it need a huge argument ?

Why the rush to get married especially if you aren't going to be living together for a while? Especially if you foresee the problems to be related to living together, and you still have these unresolved issues ie education etc.

Why get married at all ? Just curious but who suggested getting married so soon and well before you lived together?

Put the wedding on hold, get some proper legal advice on protecting your assets as I'm not sure whether pre nups have any legal standing in tbd uk (I'm not a lawyer so could be taking crap). From your posts it doesn't seem as if you've discussed this with him at all - you aren't giving very long for this to be sorted out and the dust to settle if you are planning to get married in the summer.

Move in together first and get the living /finance etc arrangements sorted first.

Pressed post by accident -
Meant to add that by your own admission he rarely buys food when he stays at your and doesn't contribute enough to other costs. It's not a casual fling he should have been making a bigger contribution well before now.
Ok he doesn't do his washing but he uses hot water and all this time is saving on his own food and heating/water bills when he is at yours. He must know this.

As other posters have said you met 2 years ago shortly after ending an abusive relationship and he proposed after a year which isn't really all that long into the relationship.

You have doubts about his contribution to the material running of the household
He feels he can dictate which rooms your children have in their home
He is trying to dictate how your children will be educated

Red flags

A decent man would not insist on rushing into marriage if his partner wanted to wait for good reasons such as taking time to make sure the blending of two families is as harmonious as it can possibly be. Don't jump into anything.

They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him

It has nothing to do with not using childcare They see their dad very little & want to be with him, I don't think that is unreasonable. It sounds like you are perhaps, a little jealous that they take him away from you/your children & intrude on your 'perfect life' with your dp.

How would you feel if he said all this about your dc?

I think relationships where people have very different financial situations are difficult even without children involved. But put children into the mix and well, its going to get very hard unless you are really in love and committed to each other.

In your situation I would put the wedding plans on hold and also any plans to move in together. Give it some more time of just dating and getting to know his children without any additional pressure.

just don't feel like sharing my house with 2 more children.

So why get involved with a man with kids?

Differentname, he has them 50% of the time and actually spends more time with his kids than I spend with mine as I work full time whilst he looks after his 3.5 days a week. Mine are younger and not at all clingy. I think even if he had them 100% of the time they would be the same. Why get involved with a man with kids? Well, you don't choose who you fall in love with. It's not so much that he has kids but that he has them 50% of the time. I think as most of the posts in the section say, living with children who are not your own is challenging to say the least. You are basically saying that I shouldn't be with him unless I want to live with his kids as well. Well, life isn't that simple. Loving someone does not automatically mean you love their kids and want to live with them. It just doesn't. It may be that I have to make that decision but it seems quite an extreme position.

I agree with differentnameforthis. He has children, you knew that when you got involved. He will always have children. He is likely to have them for at least 50% of the time. In a worst case scenario (for you), they might decide they want to live with their dad full time and see their mum every other weekend.

From the sounds of it, you either need to have a relationship with him, and him alone, without living together or having any involvement with his children, or you need to break up. Living with him and his children is just going to make you all unhappy.

You are basically saying that I shouldn't be with him unless I want to live with his kids as well. Well, life isn't that simple. Loving someone does not automatically mean you love their kids and want to live with them.

It IS that simple. Not matter how much you love him, if your feelings towards his kids don't change, living together is going to be an unmitigated disaster.
Loving someone else's kids is not automatic, you are quite right, but not even liking them and carrying so much resentment about them, means that any marriage would be a complete farce.

It all sounds like it'd be a big mistake, for several reasons but also from your own financial point of view. There are things you can do to protect your house so that it is always yours and he will not be able to have a claim on it if the relationship doesn't last - I suggest you find a good solicitor who knows about property and get that one sorted out if you do decide to go ahead.
Not commenting on the rest of it because it looks like others have already said everything that I was going to say.