I love him but I don't love his kids

[Dodo76]

I realise I am going to get shot down for this but want to be as honest as possible and get some advice. I've been with DP for just over 2 years. We met just a few months after my marriage broke down (emotionally abusive relationship, ex had an affair and left us although now trying to come back) when my DSs were 3 and 1. They are now 5 and 3 and DP has 2 kids, DSD who is 10 and DSS who is 8 who he has 50% of the time. DP proposed a year ago and we are planning to marry this summer. We have been discussing wedding dates and, whilst I am completely in love with DP and we get on brilliantly, I am really balking at the idea of us all living together. As my house is 6 bed and DP has a 1 bed (his kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa the days they are with him), it's logical that they would move in with us. The idea just fills me with dread though. I work full time so pretty much all my income goes on mortgage and childcare. DP earns about 1/3 less than I do but his job is much more flexible with loads of time off during the week and holidays such that he is able to collect his kids from school on the 3 days a week he has them. DP lives with us the half of the week that he doesn't have his kids. but we usually have a sleep over once a week with all the kids plus we have been on holiday all together several times. I seem to end up paying for a lot more than DP. He is here half the week but does not contribute to food or any other costs which I am ok about most of the time on the basis that he isn't properly living here. I also seem to pick up a lot of the costs when we go on outings or for meals etc plus his children will often ask for money for things, which has made me a bit concerned that I am going to be absorbing his costs if we were to move in together which I honestly can't afford as I can only just afford the costs I have. Whilst I think we may be able to resolve the financial side of things, my real concern is how I feel about his kids. DP is amazing with my DSs, fun, kind, attentive, plays with them, reads to them etc etc. I can't fault him. I try hard with his kids but I can't seem to feel the same warmth and enthusiasm he feels for my kids and I am not sure I ever will. They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him which is understandable but I can't help feel irritated by it and wishing he wouldn't mollycoddle them. They seem to like me but I find the weekends they are here a real strain and that I only relax when it's my own children so how on earth can we all live together? If it was every other weekend then I could cope perfectly but 50% of the time is a huge amount of time and would be a massive change for everyone. I genuinely don't know what to do. Help!

Sorry, need to correct:

it was DSS NOT DSI who reminded DP to buy cereal next time they came to ours.

And DSS's birthday party, not DS1's.

Sorry for all the typos.

"integrated" not "intergrated"

I agree with Preciousbane, too complicated, too much at stake, and you sound like you've already got very cold feet - which is completely understandable.

I used to be a fun loving, carefree and above all generous person, then I got married. Dh1 was a grade -A user, and although ds was only 3 I knew Id have to cut my losses and lp (rather successfully I may add...). I actually consulted a psychiatrist as an outpatient because I thought I was losing it and was told to get out of my relationship pronto. And I did. 8 years later, after friends kept egging me on to try online dating, I tried that and eventually found dh2. I know marriage needs work, we are going to a couple counselor, but surely 2 people need to work at a relationship? Not just one, usually the woman, giving and giving, emotionally and materially, and one, usually the man, (sorry a bit sexist) taking and taking, be it your home, your self esteem or your god damn breakfast cereal!
I've just started a thread, probably based on nothing more than paranoia. Don't end up being me, do what another poster did who was applauded for leaving and setting up a home for herself and her ds (and her sanity still intact). Good luck.

Dodo, I would never split what I can offer my children with anyone else's should dh and I split up. But I would also never have anyone else in our home.

I was a step child, between that experience and reading these boards I would never want our lives to be so complicated. Our home is a sanctuary from the madness of the world and I hope to keep it that way.

Childhood is way to short for turf wars over cereal.

Dodo, i agree with what the others have said, very sound advice. Please think long and hard before blending your two families together. Your DP is BVU expecting you to unconditionally give your all (and DS1s bloody cereal!!) his demands are typical of someone with a want, want, want attitude, no meeting in the middle, you are the nett loser and he would be the one to gain more.

As for your asset, no way Jose would I get into the situation when they get their foot in the door. The thread spoonful mentions was really uplifting, the poster got out of a terrible situation and making a life for her and her DS not being dragged down by a complete (!)

Far too imbalanced, and those DCs of his will become increasingly entitled like their dad!

Far too imbalanced, and those DCs of his will become increasingly entitled like their dad! referring to your situation, Dodo

You know what, OP? You could meet someone lovely who doesn't have all this going on. You could meet someone who pays his way - who, gasp, might even want to treat you! You could meet someone who wants you to do what's best for your children and isn't always griping his kids aren't having the same treatment, whilst at the same time doing nothing to make that happen.

This man is a user. Does he really think a single mum who's working full time and has two children to care for REALLY wants to pay out for his family as well? He thinks he's landed on his feet and every little sign that he might not have (eg the cereal's run out and he's asked to buy some) makes him sulk and think your aren't the one for him.

Wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who wasn't like that? Personally, your guy would make me resentful and unhappy. Go for someone different. Completely different.

I'm surprised this hasn't been mentioned before...

cocklodger in the making.

Does he really think a single mum who’s working full time and has two children to care for REALLY wants to pay out for his family as well?

I think the above comment totally sums up the whole sorry saga. Indeed, what sort of man is happy to sponge off a single parent to save him the bother of getting his act together? Very true about cocklodger.

What's a cocklodger?

I've just read the whole thread, clearly you are financially independent, hard working with two great sons & a lovely home that you have worked hard for, why do you need this man in your life?

Just date him once a week or whatever suits you if you feel you have to see him; it is obviously causing so much anxiety and heart ache and this will only increase if you live together. Arguing over a packet of cereal - that will be the least of your problems in the future.

Take the advice of more experienced posters who have been in similar situations - do not move in together.

Cocklodger: A male who lives with his girlfriend without paying rent.
Rent and bills are paid by the girlfriend, the cocklodger relies on the fact that the couple are shagging to continue his residency.

Oh god, that's it! Although in this case he relies on shagging and being nice to my kids. He has also just said he wants to reduce his hours further when he moves in so that he can help out with childcare more!?? Don't get it as my youngest is going to school in September so I will be in much less need and "only" need 15-20 hours a week rather than 35-40, much much cheaper and I can finally stop the massive childcare spend. His kids are also 8 and nearly 11 so he should be ramping up rather than down. I have no idea how he thinks we would afford it.

Translated - I can work less on using the excuse of child care but really make lots of "me" time (hobbies, gym sports seeing more of his kids etc) as there's no need for more child care and Dodo can spend what she saves on chilcare on subsidising me, my kids and my "me" time (hobbies /sitting on arse/ spending more time with his kids etc)

If he says it again ask him to explain why "you" ( ie as a couple or singly) all need more child care because when all the children are in school very soon you will need much less actually. Tell him you don't need him to do this, and see what he says.

I hope you put the wedding plans on hold and if he does move in please don't let him contribute towards your mortgage.

He's planning in reducing his hours?????? OP - are you sure you're not a registered charity??

Ask him directly how he'll manage financially if he reduces his hours.

The thing is, he's living without any bills for half of the week now, isn't he? Honestly, OP, it's pretty obvious he thinks his wages will be just for his pocket money once he's moved in.

It kills me that he doesn't pay maintenance because he has them half of the week, then expects you to pay for them when they're with you.

He really is awful. I'm not saying he deliberately set out to find a richer girlfriend, but I really don't think he'd be with someone who's poorer than he is.

It sounds as though he really thinks he's landed on his feet, being with you. You can do so much better than this.

How are you doing Dodo76?

Hi Newlifeforme, I am ok thanks but not convinced I am making any progress. I had decided that it was definitely not possible for us to even try to live together or marry, at least not yet, but then in the space of 10 days, when things were going well and we had managed to talk, decided that it might be possible. I am now, however, back to feeling that there are just too many issues for it to ever work out properly. I actually feel slightly more confident on the financials and think that I could probably be comfortable if I got a pre-nup although of course it isn't definitely enforceable but I suppose there is some risk with everything and I am not sure I would want to keep paying a big mortgage on this house for just the three of us if DP and I did split so having to sell to buy him out might not be such a massive issue in 3-4 years. I may also be able to buy his share out. It's now back to the doubts about the emotional side and our different parenting styles. I just don't see it working as I think his kids really just want to be with him and will resent having to share him. He has not told his kids that we are engaged and I fear that when he does they could be upset and it will take quite a lot of adjustment which is fair enough. Just not sure why he hasn't started preparing them. My DSs often say that DP wants to marry me etc and I don't think the marriage itself would come as a surprise because they see so much more of him than I do of his DCs. His DCs came for another sleepover last weekend and we went to the park and I could see DSS looking upset as DP was talking to me and not paying attention to DSS. DSS then started throwing pebbles at my feet and DP didn't seem to notice as he didn't say anything! Just feels so tense and I don't want to feel like that, especially not in my own home. His suggestion of reducing his hours so that he can be at home also makes me nervous, not only from a financial perspective but also because my DSs will see him looking after his DCs whilst mine are with a nanny and will surely question why DP can look after his kids whilst they have to be with a nanny. DP says we can explain this by saying that he only has them Weds to Sat so needs the extra time after school with them but this doesn't fit with what I tell my kids, e.g. mummy has to work to pay for the mortgage and bills! I can see many many issues coming up. I genuinely don't know how people manage to go into these things without feeling absolutely terrified. The only answer I have ATM is that I don't know what to do. I love DP and I want a life with him but I think there will be massive issues if we live together. I think it would be very different if he had his kids EOW. I also think that if we don't take this step then the relationship is doomed as well.

Also to add, I wasn't brave enough to challenge him on how he thinks he would afford it if he slashes his hours but did say it has to be affordable and that I have zero spare cash to top up any deficit on his part. He, of course, was offended! He even had the cheek to say, when he suggested it, that he couldn't afford to do it unless we moved in, so he was obviously expecting me to top up the deficit. He attaches a huge amount of significance to being a parent (he is an amazing parent) and wants to focus on that more whereas I am thinking it would be nice to have the luxury to decide that! Again, feels very unfair.

Would he not look after your boys if he's available?
Can't believe he would live in your house with you subsidizing his lifestyle so he can be dad of the century while you're working all hours and your boys are in childcare. don't do it.

I've read all the thread Dodo and I have the benefit of hindsight. I was a step mother to my DP's DD and I had on DS from first marriage. We then went on to have another DS together. So many of the issues you raise resonate with me and I believe I suffered some very miserable years because of the SPing issue. DP's DD just wanted him and like you DP's son was jealous of any attention he showed to me, and there was more or less constant tension (and DP's DD didn't live with us) but spent all holiday times with us and weekends. I grew to resent her more and more which made me feel like a callous bitch (how could I not love a pretty 7 year old) well I can tell you I didn't love her one bit - I didn't even like her. I was quite young at the time and I resented her as much as she resented me, and I think if I'd been more emotionally mature I might have coped better. There were also issues about the way my DP treated my DS as he grew into his teenage years,

Thank god they are all grown up now, but would I change the past if I could - too damn right I would. I have no evidence but I think that step parenting causes immense tension and all sorts of other unpleasant emotions in the natural parents, the step parents and the kids themselves. It isn't natural. Animals don't do it. The male lion will kill the cubs of a lioness with whom he wants to mate, to preserve his gene pool. NOT suggesting anyone takes this action but I still say SPing isn't natural.

I would advise anyone embarking on this kind of living to run to the hills!!!

Dodo you really, really don't want this man entangled in your life any more than he already is now.

I suspect you're probably right NanaNina

Depressing as that is.