I love him but I don't love his kids

[Dodo76]

I realise I am going to get shot down for this but want to be as honest as possible and get some advice. I've been with DP for just over 2 years. We met just a few months after my marriage broke down (emotionally abusive relationship, ex had an affair and left us although now trying to come back) when my DSs were 3 and 1. They are now 5 and 3 and DP has 2 kids, DSD who is 10 and DSS who is 8 who he has 50% of the time. DP proposed a year ago and we are planning to marry this summer. We have been discussing wedding dates and, whilst I am completely in love with DP and we get on brilliantly, I am really balking at the idea of us all living together. As my house is 6 bed and DP has a 1 bed (his kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa the days they are with him), it's logical that they would move in with us. The idea just fills me with dread though. I work full time so pretty much all my income goes on mortgage and childcare. DP earns about 1/3 less than I do but his job is much more flexible with loads of time off during the week and holidays such that he is able to collect his kids from school on the 3 days a week he has them. DP lives with us the half of the week that he doesn't have his kids. but we usually have a sleep over once a week with all the kids plus we have been on holiday all together several times. I seem to end up paying for a lot more than DP. He is here half the week but does not contribute to food or any other costs which I am ok about most of the time on the basis that he isn't properly living here. I also seem to pick up a lot of the costs when we go on outings or for meals etc plus his children will often ask for money for things, which has made me a bit concerned that I am going to be absorbing his costs if we were to move in together which I honestly can't afford as I can only just afford the costs I have. Whilst I think we may be able to resolve the financial side of things, my real concern is how I feel about his kids. DP is amazing with my DSs, fun, kind, attentive, plays with them, reads to them etc etc. I can't fault him. I try hard with his kids but I can't seem to feel the same warmth and enthusiasm he feels for my kids and I am not sure I ever will. They are quite clingy and it's very clear a lot of the time that they want their dad for themselves, even in small ways when we sit down for dinner, they both insist that they have to sit next to him (either side) which I just find frustrating. I think it's partly because they have never used childcare that his DCs are used to having his full attention, being with him and don't want to share him which is understandable but I can't help feel irritated by it and wishing he wouldn't mollycoddle them. They seem to like me but I find the weekends they are here a real strain and that I only relax when it's my own children so how on earth can we all live together? If it was every other weekend then I could cope perfectly but 50% of the time is a huge amount of time and would be a massive change for everyone. I genuinely don't know what to do. Help!

It sounds like this is more to do with money than anything else tbh. If you live with someone, whoever earns the most is going to absorb the most costs of course. If you feel resentful about this then you don't love him enough - it's that simple. I would absolutely not get married.

The private school thing is a difficult one. I can see where he's coming from - it will not be very nice for his kids to be living in a 2 tier household.

Absolutely do not get married to him. You will need to find someone who earns more than you for you to be happy IMHO.

^^ Exactly this. All of it.

And I imagine his DDs are clingy not because they've nver been in childcare but because they feel they've been usurped by two younger children whom he adores, and who get more time with him than they do. I feel sorry for him. He sounds like a great bloke who is trying to play fair and do right by everyone and getting sulked at by you for not earning enough (he a lot earns less than you and presumably gives quite a bit of that to his ex in child maintenance) and wanting his girls to be treated equally to your boys when you marry.

You should not marry him. It isn't going to work. You resent his lower financial status, you resent his children, and you resent paying for anything for his children. This will not make for a happy blended family.

I don't see why you cannot just carry on as you are.

You are basically saying that I shouldn't be with him unless I want to live with his kids as well. Well, life isn't that simple

Of course it is that simple. You can't marry this guy & resent his children for the rest of your life, it will be shit for them!

Walk away now if you can't live with his kids, otherwise you will screw you all up.

And I imagine his DDs are clingy not because they've nver been in childcare hmm but because they feel they've been usurped by two younger children whom he adores, and who get more time with him than they do.

And because their dad is involved with someone who resents them. Aside from the financial issue, I really think that reading between the lines, op is happy when it is her, her dcs & her dp. She has the best of both worlds with a great dp who will do anything for her kids.

Then 3.5 days a week his dc are there & all of a sudden she & her dc have to share him. The real resentment is that he loves his dc, he loves them more than her dc. She criticizes their behaviour (2 young children who want to sit next to their dad, who they only see for 3 days...OMG how unreasonable to want to make sure you sit next to your dad = her kids don't get a look in) and doesn't have a nice word to say about them.

Them wanting to be with their dad is because he is their dad. And they want to make sure they get his attention when they visit.

Are you sure he's not so keen because he sees you as a meal ticket?

I took on DPs two sons, he's a tightwad and I ended up paying for everything - again gave him a massive upgrade in lifestyle. Now I still pay for everything - I can't physically remove the money from him. He has cost me a fortune over the years.

I've had to work hard to earn more money, taken an MBA and studied just so I can keep paying. The only way to get him to come on holiday with DD is to pay for him, ditto meals, presents.

I'm in a complex visa situation which is why I haven't kicked him to the kerb yet, but please don't risk your property and your children's private education/inheritance by jumping in too fast.

Ok, so imagine this scenario the other way around:

I work in a reasonably low paid job. I have two children who stay half the week with me and half the week with their dad.

I've met a wonderful man who earns loads more than me and has a much bigger place than me. We are planning to get married and because of the size of houses I will be moving in with him.

He wants to send his children to private school while mine will be commuting further to the local comprehensive. I can't help wondering if this will create a bad atmosphere between all four children in the house but I have said to him that I am fine with it.

Also, when my children move into the house they will be getting the smallest bedrooms, whilst I don't necessarily want my DP's children to have to move out of their rooms I am, again, worried my children will feel like second class citizens.

Usually DP pays when we are out, which I don't mind as he earns far more than me but I contribute by bringing meals to the house, watching all the dc (whom I adore), doing jobs around the house (which I pay for the materials for).

It now seems that my DP and mnet suspects I might be a gold digger. Am I?

I should have added:

Oh and DP seems tense when my dc are here, they want to sit next to me and he doesn't like it. Although he makes the right noises, I'm not sure he actually likes them that much.

Just to echo what has already been said - especially in TalkativeJim's excellent post. If you are having ANY concerns about things as important as your joint finances and your relationship with his children, there is no way you should rush into marrying this man. There may well be no element of "gold digging" on his part, but these are serious issues that are not just going to magically improve once you are married. You do seem to be a bit more focused on what you want than what is best for both sets of DC's (who have already seen their parents go through messy breakups once).

Start by laying some ground rules about things like contributions to food/housekeeping (financial and practical) when they stay at yours and the idea of him paying for him & his DC's on days out is also a good one. These are not at all unreasonable requests, and his reaction to them will hopefully give you some reassurance. There is absolutely no need to rush into marriage just yet (and yes, with so much potentially at stake, 2 years is quite quick).

Good post Shirty

It is not a good situation however you look at it.

Develop a Duden aversion to marriage, with your bad experiences with 1st marriage resurging in your mind.

Try living together if you must but make sure he can't claim a share to the house if the relationship ends at any point. That means you continue to pay the mortgage & bills. He can pay grocery, days out, holidays for everyone. See how he likes that before you consider marrying him.

Don't under any circumstances take the chance of losing your children's home.

Develop a sudden aversion, rather

If you are having all of these massive doubts about him now, why on earth would you bring him into your home with your children?
Sorry to be so blunt, but the sex must be fantastic if you are considering putting up with all the issues that you have described here.

Don't do it . You don't love him enough , and he doesn't earn enough .
Do not compromise your children's lifestyle for the sake of someone else's children , ever . If he can't meet you on equal terms then do not move him in , do not marry him. You will only resent him , then divorce him , and could possible loose everything you've worked so hard for . Essentially he and his kids could take the roof ( and education ) from you and your kids .

Don't be stupid .... Love alone is never enough when it's not equal .

Tailless

OP Two things:

1. Spend some of your £gazillions on firm, clear legal advice now before you take any major decisions. And in the meantime do not let him pay any part of your mortgage or pay for or undertake any DIY in your house.

2. How will you manage (how will he manage?) when you are on maternity leave with 5 children under your roof? Who will shop? Who will provide?

Very true Droves. I thought/hoped it would be but can now see there are multiple issues. I am not sure a pre-nup would even protect me and DCs in the way we need. And, er, yes, the sex IS amazing which is perhaps why I am even contemplating doing this. To respond to a few other posts, DP does not pay any maintenance as he has them 50% of the time. When he has them he looks after them at his place and they come for sleepovers so it is not that they have having to share their dad the whole time they are with him. I can't feel that guilty about his kids having to share him. They have a great dad, my kids don't. His DCs wouldn't be with him the other 3.5 days even it DCs and I weren't around. They also get way more time with their dad and their mum than my kids do as I work full time although most the financial benefit of that is absorbed in massive childcare costs. Lunar, not sure what is so shocking about my posts/attitude? I would say it would be naive/immature to assume that you will all get on like a house on fire. Do you live with your DSC 50% of the time, work full time and pay for most things? You can't really judge unless you are in a similar situation.

Also, I don't have gazillions. I have a big house that I can only just afford but wanted to stay in as it meant stability for DSs as close to school, friends. With my ex's contribution we can just about cover a nanny plus tax and NI etc. there is zero spare cash. I am in debt.

As for private school, I was contemplating this for secondary level only as can't really afford it now and there is a hour state primary near us. I would use the money that is currently being spent on childcare towards school fees and hopefully be able to save once childcare costs drop when DS2 goes to school next year.

"Good state primary".

OP, I don't know how much more you need to read in order to realise you are making a huge mistake if you marry this man and, at the very least, don't make sure your house cannot be claimed by him at all. I've said all I'm going to say, lots of people have said it all and you're clearly not taking it on board and will go ahead and marry or live with him.
You need a good solicitor who you will listen to rather than Mumsnet.

If you are somehow concerned he is a user, and his ex called him a user, I would want to make sure first that he is not. However, earning less than you and planning to move into your larger house does not make him a user. It sounds like he's helping out with the childcare quite a lot. Same thoughts as before, really: this sounds workable, but not by next summer. You two have a long way to come before you're a family unit. Take some time to get there.

Dodo I can judge you all I like. I have had the full spectrum of amazing and shit step parents when I was a child.

I've felt what it is like to have a step mum who didn't want me around and to have to watch my dad parent her child.

You said that wanting to live with your partner did not have to mean wanting to live with his children.

What should he do cut contact? Visit them once a week? You don't seem able to explain this.

What if something happened to their dm? They would have to be with their dad full time.

Read posts from step mums on here, there are some amazing ones who actually want their stepchildren around and even then they face huge problems within their blended families.

He doesn't pay child maintenance because he has them 50% of the time but half of that time he takes them to yours and you subsidise his costs re food and treats.

You cannot, simply cannot take the attitude that wanting to live with him should not mean wanting to live with his children. You gat involved with a person with dependent children and they come as a package. Love them all, or not at all. Yes, I know it's tough, but what's to be done about it? That's why so many lone parents stay lone. It's part of the deal.

What would you do if your DP said the same to you about your children?