18yo Santa visit

[sequinsequins]

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

Yes, I know there are.

LoveandDeath - it was set by a court when he was 6, so it legally expired 2 years ago when he was 16

"If he is being guilted by his mum then that needs to be addressed too. Not just about the contact, but also because of his lack of friends or social life. It appears to me that its not only his dads he is afraid to go to"

Agreed wannabe. His mother is undoubtedly a bully and her keeness to 'keep him close' is an obstacle. I genuinely think outside interests such as scouting/DoE etc. would have helped encourage a sense of independence. I have suggested to DH on a number of occasions that I think DSS would benefit from counselling.

I have a six foot two adult son and a six foot two adult stepson and l quite happily admit that l could never find my own sons presence as intrusive as l sometimes do my stepsons even if they were both behaving (equally) badly.
But that's a very natural part of being a mum but something us stepmums are often vilified for if we dare to even admit it.

There are plenty of adult stepkids who actively dislike their stepmother and wish she would get go away for no better reasons than jealousy or so they can have their dad to themselves again.
But that's ok and us stepmums must suck it up and never ever retaliate in the face of however much rudeness, marginalisation, ignorance is shown to us because it is always the stepmother who needs to try harder and work on her feelings.
I know the OP has said in her case her SS hasn't a bad bone in him but am just making the point it is not always the stepmums fault in these scenarios.

'just' go away.

I think what I meant was, irrespective of WHY he's coming, the fact is that he is coming on the trip, and that, per se, shouldn't matter. Plenty of family members would come on such a trip. Some would enjoy it, some would sulk about it, but as far as your lo is concerned, it's a family trip with his parents and big brother, and you need to concentrate on that.

The fact that he is only with you because of the schedule, and the fact that when he is with you he still seems to follow with such rigidity, makes me think it isn't just his mum making him dependent. If it was just down to him feeling guilty about her, he would presumably relax more and make his own decisions when at yours. The fact that he doesn't means he either has some SEN that prevent him taking charge of himself, or your dh is somehow making him feel guilty if he makes his won decisions. Either way I feel sorry for the kid. And he clearly is just a kid, even if not legally one any more.

Totally agree with Kaluki

"I don't think she despises him, she is just frustrated at the ridiculous notion of an 18 year old tagging along to something which clearly bores him just because it is his weekend to be with his dad."

The rigidity would drive anyone nuts after 12 years!

"The fact that he doesn't means he either has some SEN that prevent him taking charge of himself, or your dh is somehow making him feel guilty"

It's neither of those. He literally has never shown any desire to think outside of what he's told. I think he struggles at our house because there is no one scheduling his day for him. At his mothers house he 100% is kept occupied by her. Hence in our house "what are we doing next dad". He struggles if even half an hour is unaccounted for and will "fill in" those occasions by following his parent around. This alone, I believe, will cause him to struggle at university. What on earth will he do in between lectures for example? Daddy or Mummy won't be available to let him tag along just because DSS has never learned to occupy himself. I seemingly am the only person to see this, and I genuinely don't think that letting him tagging along now just because he has nothing to do, is going to help him one little bit.

Seriously that isn't normal behaviour so don't dismiss him having some sort of special need, ASD or whatever. And your DH needs to step up too if he is genuinely as bad as you say. Get him to decide what take away he wants or what film to watch.

How did he manage at school and college. He'll have free periods and lunchtimes to manage without direction. Does he?

I've seen various people in the workplace, including many with good academic achievements, who are unable to think for themselves and expect every single task to be set out for them. It's infuriating to work with, but that doesn't make it SN.

He only gets library periods in college to pretty straightforward he goes to the library before his next class. If they're last thing he goes home.

Dyspraxia? Aspergers?

Not normal. Honestly. Perhaps because you have an autistic child you struggle to see the less extreme parts of the spectrum - my mother worked in a special school and yet I wasn't diagnosed as Dyspraxic/Irlen Sydrome until I was 18 and 22 because I was 'high functioning' unlike the very severely disabled students at her school.

Following routine, not being able to empathise with the fact that you might want to see him at other times, not being able to do anything unless he's told clearly are huge spectrum flags.

If he goes to university it might be picked up and he'll actually receive some support - you might find that the school had concerns but didn't mention anything because then they would have to spend money on him.

By the way - i'm not projecting! A huge percentage of people are 'on the spectrum' and it frustrates me to see the unkindness that is shown to people - lazy, doesn't think of others, has no desire to do anything - I mean just show some bloody empathy! Unless you are on the spectrum too? I was always very sceptical of dyslexics because they seemed so normal to me - once I was diagnosed I suddenly realised why that was!

I don't think this is a special needs/medical problem - because we had an almost identical situation with my DSS. He'd been almost brainwashed into thinking that the world would end if rigid access wasn't adhered to, and that access weekends were for intense, DSS-focussed activities. Real life was suspended during access. It would never enter his head to contact his father in between access visits.

I always suspected the insane arrangements, the mother who insisted on them, and the father who was too scared to rock the boat, were holding DSS back.

He's now been at Uni for three months, and is thriving now that he's free of such a restricted existence. I always knew he didn't have special needs or any weird disorders. He just suffered from poor parenting.

I know you said you weren't going to engage with me any further bur I'll post this anyway. Those people you see in the workplace - some of them probably do have Asperger's syndrome or high-functioning autism, those behaviours are entirely typical. Lots of people with HFA hold down good jobs and excel in some specific respects but have noticeable impairments in other areas, socially - slavish devotion to rules and routines etc is classic (may the teacher who introduced my ds to the idea of a "balanced meal" rot forever in hell) and inability to engage emotionally, initiate changes in routine, entertain self etc

I'm not saying he DOES have an ASD but maybe it should at least be considered, because knowing about it would help with finding strategies for making his life (and yours) less stressful

this isn't about trying to make excuses for him or demonise you, it's an genuine suggestion from someone with a child and various other relatives with AS (and almost certainly have it myself, according to my son's consultant)

surely it's worth considering?

my 11yo is working at GCSE level across the board academically but still wants to sit in my lap half the time, follows me around the house calling me Mummy and won't put himself to bed

Know what you mean sequins. My DH is a very self assured , decisive person and a few years ago he went on a weeks stag holiday with about six men aged between 40 to mid fifties. When they were all propping up the bar fine , but during the day none of them seemed capable of deciding what to do so most just tagged along with DH on whatever sightseeing trip he had decided he fancied going on that day. None seemed capable of going off doing something on their own (as my DH would definitely have done had no-one else wanted to come) and they all seemed to think they had to all go around together doing the same thing 24/7. It didn't bother my DH most of the time (though he does like being alone some of the time ) but rather he found it amusing and quite baffling.
These were grown men most of whom l know quite well and definitely don't appear to have any SENs.

There's this kind of thing of people thinking 'oh I don't have SN' but then you realise that there are millions of adults who can't tie their shoe laces, use escalators, use a phone, fill in a cheque - young people are watched a lot more closely and helped, adults where just told not to be so lazy/stupid and get on with it, which is why adults find it difficult to recognise SN, unless it is severe.

There's that typical stereotype in films of the nerd who is super intelligent but has no ability in PE or social skills - that is the autistic spectrum for you, disproportionately (to the extreme) really good at some stuff but not others.

"don't appear to have any SENs." The spectrum is, for the most part Invisible. which is why so many people are not diagnosed. Nobody would have thought I was Dyspraxic, as I was always so clever and strong minded.

Tons of adult very socially adequate men are dyslexic - very loud one that's always telling jokes in the bar? What are they compensating for?

People do still tend to think "He can't have SEN, he has a good job and is married and is clever etc"

there are thousands of people with ASD out there living relatively conventional lives, just with some differences in the way they do things, there's a loong-running thread on here for spouses of people on the autistic spectrum

OP I get it. Dss would expect to be there on an access weekend even if dh was having his piles done. He also wouldn't attend a family event if it wasn't an access weekend.

Christ, me and exp don't have that strict a Rota for our 4yo!

Yes l understand that these conditions are often invisible but l think it would be pushing the boundaries of probability in a group of seven men that all of them except the one who could think for himself , plan activities for himself (and/or others as it turned out) must have SENs.

Some people are just happy to follow and toddle along and go with the flow or whatever from lack of 'oomph ' or in some cases sheer laziness or tendency to follow course of least resistance. I doubt every such person has SENs.

Even if the OPs DSS does have a special need/aspergers/autism/on the Spectum or whatever - why should she have to consider it?

Her DSS stays in her home, some say as a guest, but clearly not as a fully integrated member of the family. It is his responsibility, as an adult, to ensure that his hosts are aware of his special needs, and if he's unable to do that himself, then it's the responsibility of his parents.

It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, the responsibility of the stepmum to tell the DCs parents that she believes that their DC has a special need. If she is not asked to make allowances (because the DSC parents don't believe they are necessary) then what else can the OP do but place neurotypical expectations on her adult DSS?
A neurotypical 18 yr old would either get into the swing of things on a Santa trip for the benefit of the younger DC, or excuse themselves and remain at home.
Going along on a trip reluctantly, without getting involved or enjoying it when there is no requirement to do so is, quite frankly, rude - especially when the 18 year old has been invited as a guest.

"Perhaps because you have an autistic child you struggle to see the less extreme parts of the spectrum"

Did you misread my post or are you deliberately being rude? Where the hell did I say my child is autistic?

Maybe your DH is just very controlling, and a bit scary when people suggest things he doesn't like?