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Step-parenting

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Original poster

18yo Santa visit

407 replies

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 08:47

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FannyFifer · 10/12/2013 10:02

Your husband needs to sit down with him, tell him he is an adult and the access weekends now no longer stand.
If he wants to visit he should organise himself for when it's convenient with everyone, that's what adults do.

This all sounds very odd tbh.

Spacecraft · 10/12/2013 10:05

I agree, it sounds very likely he sits somewhere on the autistic spectrum but I also can't believe none of you have actually talked about this. (possible SEN or the access visits)

KringleCandleLover · 10/12/2013 10:11

I agree with Fannyfifer.

Its about time (at 18) that he grew up. DH needs to explain that he is a grown-up.

Otherwise I forsee access visits continuing until he's a lot older.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:12

DSS is extremely apathetic and unfortunately, his parents (in the case of DH) are reluctant to push him out of it and (in the case of his mother) actively promote his reliance on her due to her own neediness.

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 10/12/2013 10:14

Is he at Uni or working?
This is really not normal behaviour from an 18 year old.

Mrswellyboot · 10/12/2013 10:21

At eighteen he really needs to stop the planned access as arrange to spend time with your family now himself. Pick up the phone and arrange things like an adut. This is very sad.

However you need to keep in mind dss is as much your dh son as ds and I am sure dss is picking up vibes that he may not be welcome even of its not intentional.

I would tell him santa is arranged and is more for younger children. Let him potter about town and maybe arrange to go for a burger or something as a family after.

Brodicea · 10/12/2013 10:23

It does seem odd that an 18 year old isn't into doing his own thing a bit more, but to be fair you/ DH shouldn't have arranged something on that day without discussing it with him or attempting to rearrange his visit first. If it's that rigid, you should have expected him to be coming.

It does sound like he isn't very independent which is sad, and I'm not sure at what age the visiting schedule should be lifted - but unless your DH faces up to this issue and talks to DSS and maybe his Ex, you may have to put up with it and factor it into your family life.

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 10:31

Why is it a problem that he wants to be there? I would probably have wanted to go along at that age too, to enjoy the christmassy atmosphere and watch my little brother being excited etc. So he "traipses along", what do you want him to do, juggle? And at 18 I would still take up any and every opportunity to be around my dad, because I missed him. It may have looked pointless to others, just being around him not performing or having a special Disney moment, but it was important to me and it's probably important to your DSS.

I wonder if the reason he clings to the access rota is because he feels it gives him a formal right to be there, because if there was no structure in place you would gradually phase him out of the family.

It sounds as though you detest him to the degree that his very presence is sucking the life out of you. Poor bugger.

Petal02 · 10/12/2013 10:34

As someone who had to live with the consequences of Absolute Rota Compliance until DSS went to Uni, I totally understand the OP's frustration.

In DSS's case, his social development and life skills were impeded by the strict access rota. The rota came first, and life had to fit around it. It just didn't work.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:34

"you/ DH shouldn't have arranged something on that day without discussing it with him or attempting to rearrange his visit first"

Really - in order to take my 4yo to see Santa, I should check first that it's ok with 18yo DSS? I've heard it all now.

fanny - he's at college

OP posts:

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:36

"And at 18 I would still take up any and every opportunity to be around my dad, because I missed him"

He doesn't though - he will sometimes go for 4 or 6 weeks between visits if for example EOW access visits cannot happen for whatever reason, despite living 3 miles away. It's not that, it's really not.

OP posts:

Spacecraft · 10/12/2013 10:37

No, you don't need to check with DSS but you did know he was going to be there, as no-one has talked to the boy about it why would he expect this would be the week when things changed?

If you had plans for anyone else to visit you would have either spoken to them about re-arranging or included them in your plans.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:38

"I wonder if the reason he clings to the access rota is because he feels it gives him a formal right to be there, because if there was no structure in place you would gradually phase him out of the family."

To the contrary - DH often invites him between access visits but if it doesn't fit into the EOW schedule, it doesn't happen

OP posts:

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:39

"If you had plans for anyone else to visit you would have either spoken to them about re-arranging or included them in your plans"

You seem to have missed the various posts where I've made it clear that 'rearranging' isn't an option. I simply wouldn't invite guests when I had plans to go out, so it's really not a good parallel to draw

OP posts:

Petal02 · 10/12/2013 10:45

why would he expect this to be the week that things changed?

Spacecraft, you make it sound like the OP has inflicted some sort of significant life event on him!!

It's strange enough as it is to have an 18 yr old coming for access visits, without suggesting the OP should have sat down and talked it through with DSS, FFS!

Should they have gently broken the news that a Santa visit was planned??

Spacecraft · 10/12/2013 10:46

No, but my point is you already had arrangements to have a "guest" when you made the plans. If it had been anyone else you would have re-arranged (if possible) included your guests in the trip or not made plans that rode across the arrangements that had already been made.

At some point re-arranging will have to become an option but if no-one has talked to DSS properly about it it's hardly surprising that he expects to be included on "his" weekends.

Spacecraft · 10/12/2013 10:47

Of course not Petal but they knew DSS was coming that weekend when they made the plans. Why would they expect that he wouldn't think he was included?

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:47

"No, but my point is you already had arrangements to have a "guest" when you made the plans"

So spacecraft you believe DSS is a guest rather than his fathers' home being his home too. And that we should treat him as a guest? Interesting, many step-mums are berated on here for that.

OP posts:

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 10/12/2013 10:48

Hi op, um sounds complicated. I agree with a poster above, will he help make it special or just mope or grumble as not centre of attention?

I'm unsure I understand why dad appears to not want to change the rota either? Surely it bothers him?

Hoping you get what you want from Santa this year x

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:48

"At some point re-arranging will have to become an option but if no-one has talked to DSS properly about it it's hardly surprising that he expects to be included on "his" weekends."

People don't "own" weekends

OP posts:

Petal02 · 10/12/2013 10:49

So are you suggesting that real life goes on hold EOW to accommodate the access visits of a young adult? Seems that the resident 4 yr old would be getting a pretty rough deal if that were the case?

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 10:49

ok sequins, I've got that wrong then. And I'm not a stepparent, so haven't had to cope with the EOW thing in our family either. I do remember being a child and dealing with access and tensions around it though.

Is there anything to suggest that he may be on the autistic spectrum? It does sound weirdly rigid, if he won't come outside the rota but MUST come for every mandated day

Still think you should try and chill a bit about him wanting to come on the Santa trip though. I don't think it's that odd for an older teenager to want to be included in something like that.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 10/12/2013 10:49

Op agree he ain't a guest. I don't get why he can't just join in. He has two families, so surely he just joins whatever events are going on? (Dates allowing!)

Spacecraft · 10/12/2013 10:52

Oh FGS. For x number of years he has spent this weekend with his father. Strangely (for who knows what reason) he seems to think that will go on forever and no-one has talked to him about why/when that should change.

The boy is obviously not quite "normal" but it's hardy his fault he expects things to carry on as usual if no-one's talked to him about it.

Brodicea · 10/12/2013 10:54

I know you're obviously very annoyed with this ongoing situation OP, but I still can't see why you're surprised he wants to come when you arranged it on one of his visit days AND you know he sticks to it rigidly.

I think your annoyance is mis-directed - your DH needs to sit down with DSS and explain that he can be flexible about visits, maybe allaying any fears about being sidelined by arranging something age appropriate for them both, or even you all, to do together at a set date. The cycle needs to be broken absolutely

As a child of a previous marriage I know it can, perhaps irrationally, feel like you're no longer part of the 'real' family. You seem to be poo-pooing this point, but it is valid. I was 21 when my dad started his new family and of course did not expect to be invited to visits to santa, I did however feel like my dad no longer had all that much interest in my life - maybe that's unreasonable, but it is understandable. My parents divorced when I was 21 (as a result of this) so I of course sucked it up, but I do feel irrationally sad that he's not just our dad anymore.

If you don't actually see his side of the story and talk to your DH about the situation, nothing will change and you will keep coming on here to moan about your DSS probably passively aggressively pushing him out. Have you considered that arranging this on one of his visit days was a passive aggressive attempt to bring this to a head?

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