18yo Santa visit

[sequinsequins]

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

So really the whole thing is a huge No Win situation for all parties.

petal Very much so. A conclusion that DH and I keep coming to each time we discuss it. Usually over

sequins, how strongly does your dh feel about the situation. Is he as bothered about it as you are?

Op , i don't know why you keep posting about this issue. The saga goes on and on because you and your dh enable it to. I have said before on another thread where you poo poo everybody's suggestions, JUST SAY NO ! Go out on access weekends so there is no one to visit. Offer am invitation another time. If he doesn't turn up, fine. If he complains you are not there, tell him YOU ARE NOT WORKING TO THE ROTA ANYMORE!

He cannot work to it if you are not working to it!

You cannot argue this method down like you seem to want to do with every other suggestion.

Completely forget which weekend is which and run your lives accordingly. If he wants to see you anytime, he Will HAVE TO ADJUST.

Birdy, your advice would be valid if both the OP and her DH were in agreement over stopping the rota, but as her DH won't do anything credible about bringing the rota to an end, the OP is pretty stuck.

It's very hard for a step parent to make any changes when the bio parent isn't on board.

"I have said before on another thread where you poo poo everybody's suggestions, JUST SAY NO"

You think I'm in a position to turn him away at the door on a Friday EOW?

"Go out on access weekends so there is no one to visit" - well given thta I have a 4yo who is in bed usually before DSS arrives, that's really not feasible

"tell him YOU ARE NOT WORKING TO THE ROTA ANYMORE!"

You think I personally should tell him this?
Agreed it's possible my DH could, but I can't. He's not the one posting here, I am. Mumsnet is full of people posting about things they can't influence.

"Completely forget which weekend is which and run your lives accordingly"

Yet even if there's something he won't want to go, he comes anyway. I could choose to do anything and he'd come as well.

"sequins, how strongly does your dh feel about the situation. Is he as bothered about it as you are?"

Not as bothered, but he would certainly like it to change. Given DSS's fear of his mother DH belives that if he tells him to stop the access rota, this means she won't let him come outside of the allotted time and therefore he won't see him at all. He has a very strong point, and I can see this happening. DSS mother was furious that Dh went to court for the contact order all that time ago, and she simply won't allow any contact outside of it as a "punishment". Of course this control she has is only perceived - there is nothing she could actually do to stop it.

He things it will come to a natural conclusion when DSS goes to university. I don't.

sequins I totally understand your last post. My DH would have preferred to stop the rota, but not if it meant upsetting anyone (like DSS or the ex) or having any difficult conversations. He was far happier to put our marriage under intolerable pressure instead.

He also had an irrational fear of rocking the boat with the ex; when I challenged him over what possible implications there could be if the boat were rocked, he couldn't give me an answer. The ex had no power by this point, but there was definitely a perceived fear in DH's mind that she could 'make things difficult'.

Slightly delayed response. Fair enough but you didn't respond, while you did respond to the other parts of my posts.

Does he ever express doubt in the 'wisdom' of his mother? She's had 12 days out of 14 for many years to brainwash him. Seems to me the key to your problem is to help him in whatever way you can to see that his relationship with his mother has not been a healthy one, that it doesn't have to be this way, that he does have choices that he might prefer over the pathway he is on.

I appreciate you say he's had some sort of counselling before to little effect but that doesn't mean it couldn't work now. The reason I suggest family counselling specifically is that it's a possible way to get him there in the first place. Ostensibly it's not about 'him' or his infallible mother but your part of his family's dynamic. And because if you were spending the EOW pulling your fingernails out in a sewer he'd still come along. This situation is frustrating for you but really very sad indeed for him even if he doesn't know it yet.

"Does he ever express doubt in the 'wisdom' of his mother?"

Not that we've ever seen, no

"Seems to me the key to your problem is to help him in whatever way you can to see that his relationship with his mother has not been a healthy one"

I definitely agree with that. I believe though that that discovery alone would be extremely traumatic for him when he is clearly still so emotionally immature. Given he's doing his A levels this year it is probably better to "defer" this IMO. I've read about mature adults having extreme difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that they led an abusive childhood.

"And because if you were spending the EOW pulling your fingernails out in a sewer he'd still come along" yes indeed

That's the difficulty, isn't it? It's the same as other abusive relationships. We can't save our friends from them, we can only help them save themselves when it's their decision. I just hope there is a way to sew the seeds in his head that he can and might want to cut the apron strings.

Good luck for the weekend OP, whatever you decide to do. I hope Ds has a magical weekend.

The thing is, sadly, it's probably all he knows.

If you grew up in a happy home and you ended up in an abusive relationship, you'd know things weren't right, wouldn't you? But if you grow up with a toxic parent, that's literally all you know. So her demands and her control are all he knows.

You are caught between a rock and a hard place because if you point out to him that this isn't normal, then you become the bad guy.

I suppose one tack would be for your dh to say, buy some tickets for a match or something like that and deliberately make it for a date that isn't on the normal EOW. And then ask him to come and say "Of course we don't have to stick to the rota now you're over 18." See how it goes?

I suppose one tack would be for your dh to say, buy some tickets for a match or something like that and deliberately make it for a date that isn't on the normal EOW. And then ask him to come and say "Of course we don't have to stick to the rota now you're over 18." See how it goes?

^^^^

This is a grown adult. He should be out with his peers. DH needs to have a word

Thanks all. It is hard, and yes DH I think feels he's between a rock and a hard place knowing what to. For a while he tried ( and still does) just get on with e.g. DIY at weekends and "let" DSS get quite bored, in the hope he'll need to find something himself to do. It just doesn't work though. When DSS once asked "what are we doing next dad", DH said that if he couldn't think of anything he could do, he could weed the entire flower beds. But he just did it. DH is very reluctant to shake the access boat because he knows DSS will crumble rather than "ask" his mother if he can instead come another time. Then DH has me in his ear, gets defensive and we end up rowing. But I will be honest, after all this time, the regimental soldiers access routine is driving me round the twist, hence my rant.

I hate all the family politics of all this. If there is one bit of advice l would give my dd (aged 35,single) it is this. First question: 'Are you single or divorced? If the answer is even in the slightest bit 'woolly' or contains subtitles I would say : 'Run a bloody mile'.
Next question: 'Do you have any children from previous relationships ?
If the answer is anything but a resounding 'No' I would say 'Run two bloody miles'.

Me bitter ?

There was an instance earlier this year when, as he was on holiday one "access weekend" and then we were away the next "access weekend", he went 6 weeks without calling round, despite living so close. It's madness. DH invited him in between and he was too "scared" to ask his mother.

I have just shared two bottles of wine and quite a few chasers in a long lunch with my friend. So please feel free to ignore me !

Me too Bahhhhumbug. If I hear about anyone taking about starting to date someone with kids, it makes me want to take them and run in the opposite direction for their own future sanity.

Hahaha, it's Friday, it's allowed

It is just all fucking bollocks.

Me and two bottles of pinot grigot, four bacardis and an old friend have come to that scientific conclusion over an eight hour 'lunch'

So there you have it , the scientific, undisputable findings of this thread are that in these situations it is important to remember it is:

'All Bollocks '

I am going to have some t-shirts printed saying this , with:

'Day Out With Rodney'

on the back.

We have to laugh, really . The only alternative would be to go slightly mad in the expectation that any of it might ever change