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Step-parenting

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Original poster

18yo Santa visit

407 replies

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 08:47

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:54

Hi minny - he certainly won't be jovial, no. He will skulk along with his head down not saying much.

Because DSS is so tied to the rota and won't come outside of the allotted hours (to the extent that he will rush his dinner on a sunday so he's not home later than 6.30), DH fears that in trying to move from the rota, DSS will interpret this as not being allowed to come. Which isn't the case at all.

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Petal02 · 10/12/2013 10:55

I wouldn't have thought an 18 yr old would have wanted to visit Santa, regardless of which family he's staying with.

I really feel for the OP; we had to take DSS practically everywhere on access weekends, it was very odd having a 6ft 18 yr old following you round Tesco.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:57

"As a child of a previous marriage I know it can, perhaps irrationally, feel like you're no longer part of the 'real' family. You seem to be poo-pooing this point, but it is valid"

So why then, when invited to celebrate his grandfather's birthday on a non-access weekend, would he not come?

OP posts:

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:59

"Have you considered that arranging this on one of his visit days was a passive aggressive attempt to bring this to a head?"

It was the only day they had availability, it's extremely popular. And actually the shortage of tickets means that some little kids will have missed out

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Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 10:59

"If you don't actually see his side of the story and talk to your DH about the situation, nothing will change"

I do talk about it.....but nothing changes

OP posts:

Petal02 · 10/12/2013 11:00

Some step children (and their parents) are so indoctrinated to believe that access takes a set pattern, like night follows day, that they can't see around it, so common sense goes out the window.

Spacecraft · 10/12/2013 11:03

"And actually the shortage of tickets means that some little kids will have missed out" which wouldn't be the end of the world. If the only available time was inconvenient you didn't have to book it. My DCs have never been on a Santa train (whatever that is) I'm sure they're not alone.

"I do talk about it.....but nothing changes" So, actually your problem is with DH, not DSS

I suspect he doesn't come to you outside the allotted times at least in part because I would be seen as deserting his mother (either by her or in his head)

Or he could have SEN which make this routine very important to him

fuzzywuzzy · 10/12/2013 11:04

He does sound like he may be on the spectrum or have some sort of SEN.

Have you ever discussed the possibility with your DH?

Santa visits are usually insanely busy and get booked up very quickly, I have a friend who got her slot in November!

I can only suggest you make the most of it and accept he will be 'tagging along'.

How is he otherwise, does he have friends/girlfriend, have his school raised concerns?

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 11:06

"If the only available time was inconvenient you didn't have to book it"

In what way was it inconvenient? It certainly isn't inconvenient. But it remains that I find it very odd that an 18yo will want to come and see santa solely because it's an access weekend. It's not "inconvenient" for me at all.

OP posts:

Spacecraft · 10/12/2013 11:07

LOL "It's not "inconvenient" for me at all." No, but the presence of your DSS, which you knew about in advance is

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 11:07

Hi fuzzy - yes agreed, I will plaster on a smile regardless.

He doesn't appear to have friends, no, and no girlfiend ever. I suspect given his lifestyle he would struggle to have anything in common with his peers.

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Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 11:09

Inconvenient is the wrong term spacecraft. Odd is probably better.

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Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 11:09

God you really despise him, don't you?

Do you think he could be on the autistic spectrum?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/12/2013 11:16

Greensleeves has just posted what I was thinking.

My eldest DS has Aspergers/ASD & everything you have posted about your 'D'SS matches my DS1 perfectly!

Because of having my DS1 (and not much experience of other older teens), I find it all perfectly normal .

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/12/2013 11:18

Although, thinking about it, DS1 would never want to go & see Santa - because he would hate being in close confinement with lots of little children!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/12/2013 11:23

I think, for various reasons in my own experiences, that he might feel guilty for leaving his mother.

So when you invite him round outside of the arrangement, he feels he is obliged to say no because his mother would be lonely/upset. Therefore he clings to the set times because he is ”allowed” to go then, his mother is expecting it and she will cope. You have said that her neediness has caused him to be more introvert than is healthy. Well then, perhaps this problem is more her fault than his.

How do you know she isn't making him feel bad for wanting to spend time with his ”new family” and maybe projecting her feeling towards your DH onto him? Obviously I might be way off with that, but stranger things have happened!

As for DSS, is there anything you could all do as a family after seeing santa that would appeal to him? Bowling or ice skating or something? Make it a family day and not just an event for a 4year old that DSS is tagging along to.

KringleCandleLover · 10/12/2013 11:42

He is 18. Old enough to vote. Old enough to be called for Jury service. Makes him a man in my eyes.

Its time he was explained the facts, in adult terms.

Yes I am a fulltime sm. Yes I have a much younger dd. Yes I do want to take dd out for age appropriate days out without my older dsd,ds and dd tagging along.

I would probably suggest that he is just going along with the way life has always been. My 19 year old ds has 'always' gone to his gm on a Saturday night. We(myself,his df,gm have all stated that perhaps he is old enough to stop or not go as often. Perhaps go out with his uni mates rather than going to his grans.

He realised that it was just routine and thought it was going to be the done thing till god knows when.

It has never entered my head to think he is on a spectrum. Though I did think he was perhaps stuck in a rut with the sleepovers. Turns out he was glad we mentioned it and he's happy that he isn't obliged to turn up as he has done since being a toddler.

Perhaps your dss will be relieved to be advised he doesn't have to turn up at every expected contact weekend? Perhaps he craves the chance to be free to do what he wants on these weekends.

Eliza22 · 10/12/2013 12:03

Umm, if he wants to go along, why can't you all just make a day of it. He clearly isn't going to sit on Santa's knee and tell him what he wants for Christmas but, won't your little one be excited, to have his big brother there? Am I missing something?

Kaluki · 10/12/2013 12:13

Oh My Goodness!! Are posters seriously suggesting that the OP should not have arranged take her little ds to see Santa on DSSs access weekend? If the 4 year old were the stepson and the 18yr old the biological child it would be completely the other way round.
The double standards on this board never cease to astound me!!
I think the poster above who suggested that he sticks to it to avoid upsetting his Mum may be spot on. Maybe he only feels able to come on the set rota days because then he can pretend to his that he has to go to his Dads whereas if he arranged to go himself any other time it would be clear that he wants to which could be seen as him putting his Dad before his Mum.
Either way - OP shouldn't alter any of her plans.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 12:20

Wannabe I can relate to your post, which is very insightful. He does 'slavishly comply' with his mother. I do wonder when the trend of access compliance as a result of this will ever end though. I. E at what point would he stop taking emotional responsibility for his mother in the form of access visits?

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Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 12:23

Eliza DSS isn't exactly one to add to DS excitement, no. He will have rather a long bored looking face on for the duration

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CocktailQueen · 10/12/2013 12:26

LoveAndDeath - I was thinking the same. what do you think, OP?

Mrswellyboot · 10/12/2013 12:29

I think maybe just bring him this time but use this example for dh to talk to days mother about the need to make more suitable arrangements from now on. Don't let it spoil your nice weekend. Just go with the flow but get this sorted in the new year.

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 12:33

What I'm struggling to grasp is why OP is so violently against him coming on the trip. Is he a Dementor? Does he smell really really terrible? One day the lovely 4yo will be a lumbering teen as well, and he may not suddenly stop wanting to be included on family trips when he turns 18 either, nor will he swan around with a winning smile spreading good cheer.

I do think the rigid adherence to the EWO is strange. But frankly if I had a stepmother who hated me this much, I might have a long face too. But I'd still want to see my dad!

theredhen · 10/12/2013 12:34

Sounds to me that this young man has never been taught how to be healthily independent and simply hasn't learnt the skills of being an adult.

It's very common in step situations for this sort of thing to develop. After all if his Mum is needy and Dad is scared of losing contact, this young man will have simply learnt to be needy and scared by the two most important role models in his life.

Where is his confidence to say, "i'll pop round on little one's birthday with his present" (even if it's not an access weekend) or to say, "I'll be having a lie in/studying/watching a film when you're off to see Santa, but I'll come round later for a chat and some tea".

Surely the above would be much healthier all round for everyone especially DSS?

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