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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

18yo Santa visit

407 replies

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 08:47

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GotMyGoat · 10/12/2013 15:58

Sorry, please accept my apologies - I mixed you up with another poster. Although - don't take so much offence, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 16:00

"OP I get it. Dss would expect to be there on an access weekend even if dh was having his piles done. He also wouldn't attend a family event if it wasn't an access weekend"

Yes southern comforts, exactly that,

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 16:02

why would it be insulting to say that you had an autistic child?

Mumallthetime if OP does see her role in her DSS' life as that of "host" with no responsibility or stake in his welfare, then you're right of course that she wouldn't need to consider this. But most stepparents don't have quite such a cold attitude to the children in their family.

GotMyGoat · 10/12/2013 16:03

Even if the OPs DSS does have a special need/aspergers/autism/on the Spectum or whatever - why should she have to consider it?

I just wanted OP to try to think outside the box a little, about why he might be acting like that - as the description of her step son resonates so much with that of my husband who is ASD. Unfortunately neither of our families, or even ourselves suspected and he struggled for years before being recognised and given support.

Should step mums not take some sort of parenting responsibility, or if not ' parenting' then care? If I had a friend with the same sort of issues I might mention something. If OP noticed some sort of physical problem I think she'd probably mention it to her DH (I noticed DSS had a massive lump on his back, but I don't think he's seen it etc.)

Poor lad. It just feels so hostile.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 16:04

Oh yes, of course it must be that either DH or I are controlling. Absolutely

OP posts:

TodgerDodger · 10/12/2013 16:05

...But the basic facts are:

OP knew DSS was coming that weekend

OP also knew he doesn't leave his dad's side during access.

She booked the trip anyway and is now appearing surprised that he wants to tag along!

If this has been in place since he was 6, why be shocked and missed of that this is happening?

Now to come on here slaying every aspect of his character shows that you simply dislike him, or at least dislike him being around you.

What are you doing about it other than complain and hate him being there?

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 16:06

"I just wanted OP to try to think outside the box a little, about why he might be acting like that"

I have thought about it and have described my interpretation on here. I have witnessed him first hand for 10 years and believe that wannabe hit the Nail in the head

OP posts:

GotMyGoat · 10/12/2013 16:07

Sorry - the controlling comment was to Bahhhumbug.

Your acting quite aggressive OP! I think I'm just trying to add in some empathy and understanding here, but because of my SN I'm probably not coming across as I want to be.

There could be more going on here than just your DSS trying to piss you off.

and breathe.

TodgerDodger · 10/12/2013 16:07

*Pissed off, not missed of.

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 16:09

I think we are struggling to understand the strength of your antipathy to having him on the trip. It does sound as though there is more to it than mild irritation at having a gangly teen tagging along (which many parents of teens would share). You sound as though your trip with your 4yo is ruined because he will be there, which isn't normal unless he is likely to throw things at people or shout SANTA ISN'T REAL.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 16:09

Gotmygoat you're clearly not reading my posts. I said earlier I don't believe he is trying to piss me off at all, it's other posters that made that up

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 16:10

and some of us are probably struggling with our own black and white thinking tendencies as well. I plead guilty to that one.

GotMyGoat · 10/12/2013 16:14

Oh, story of my life! I am reading, I just get things muddled up - I wish mumsnet would make a different colour for the OP. Maybe I should ask them.

I just think any NT 18 year old would have figured out he could do what he wants by now, even with an overbearing mother. It tends to be if there are other vulnerabilities, abuse, mental health issues, being bullied and yes SN that make young adults compliant.

Mumallthetime · 10/12/2013 16:37

Should step mums not take some sort of parenting responsibility, or if not ' parenting' then care?

New to step parenting, are you?

It won't take long before you realise that a SParents place is in the wrong.
A stepparent who cares and expresses the type of concern you suggest would be accused of overstepping, interfering and cutting out the DSC mum. Likely as not, both parents would lynch the stepmum for even suggesting such a thing.
But, when a stepmum remains at arms length and welcomes their DSC into her home as a guest, she is described as cold.

Can't win!

GotMyGoat · 10/12/2013 16:42

Well no - I had a step parent for the majority of my life - who I hated. I also understand what Wannabe is saying about feeling guilt about seeing the Non resident parent.

Can't you just be, you know a human? A caring person? Somewhere between overbearing mothering and stand offish I-can't-wait-to-get-you-out-of-my-life-stop-runining-my-weekends?

randomAXEofkindness · 10/12/2013 16:44

It seems like some people find it difficult to understand that step-parents are also actual human beings

OP, it is completely reasonable for you not to want your adult dss to tag along if he's sulky and takes the shine off your day. Why would you want him there? If he isn't going to enjoy it, what's the point? How long will it go on? Will he be trailing you round asda eow when he's 30? His dad loves him unconditionally (hopefully) and might be fine with this (I would be), but you don't, and why should you have to?

I would second what was said before, and say that it sounds like your dss is using the contact order as a shield from any negative consequences/guilt that might come from taking control of visiting himself. I understand why he would do this, but it can't carry on. It sounds like your dh has discussed tweaking the arrangement for special occasions etc, and your poor dss is still clinging on to it. I think he would have to impress upon him that now that he is an adult the contact order/arrangement has ended. Finished. Gone. The end. And that he can visit whenever he likes, like grown ups do. Once he's actually let go of it, he might even feel a little bit empowered - he sounds like he needs it, poor lad.

As you said, it's up to your DH to do. I hope he does, for yours, and your dss's sake.

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 16:46

Not all stepparents end up as bitter as that though.

I thought OP might like to consider other reasons for her DSS' behaviour because it clearly stresses her out to the extent that she cannot enjoy a day out if he is in the vicinity. To make HER life easier, as well as his, because if he did have an ASD there are strategies which could help.

needaholidaynow · 10/12/2013 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 17:17

" I thought OP might like to consider other reasons for her DSS' behaviour because it clearly stresses her out to the extent that she cannot enjoy a day out if he is in the vicinity"

I DO understand the reasons. Just because they're not the reasons you think doesn't make me wrong. And understanding reasons doesn't make things feel any better necessarily. I understood the reasons why my child didnt sleep through for 3 years. It didnt stop me getting exhausted and moaning about it a lot

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/12/2013 17:31

Regardless of why he is there, always find that if one person in a group isn't enjoying themselves it really brings down the mood.

I have to say, that if I put myself in the OPs shoes on a trip to santa, I would feel bad. I would feel guilty, and as if I was expecting too much of DSS. Its irrational, but its a low key thing that can dampen a whole day. So yes, his being there will ruin it, not because of his character, but simply because he is being both forced to attend and expected not to. In DSSs eyes he can't win.

Let's not forget that as Step mum, OP is expected to fill in on all the gaps in parenting except any which have any sway or could possibly change things. How can the OP resolve this situation? She can't. Perhaps its her frustration at this fact that you are all reading as dislike for DSS.

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 17:36

I don't think I know the reasons, I was just suggesting one. If you're sure it's irrelevant, that's fine - you know him and I don't, but that doesn't mean it was a shit idea to suggest it. Sometimes it can be useful if people suggest avenues you haven't explored. That's one of the things I use MN for, anyway.

IThoughtThat · 10/12/2013 17:52

I didn't 'make up' that your DSS was trying to piss you off I was suggesting it.

I also 'wondered' if he thinks you are purposely trying to exclude him. I didn't say you were excluding him.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 10/12/2013 18:06

Can I ask why at 18 is there still an arrangement for access? Surely as an adult he can see his father whenever?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 10/12/2013 18:51

The Court order has expired. If the child's father wanted to stop contact being so rigid every other weekend, he could. There's nothing the mother or child could do about it. The Court can't enforce it.

OP, does your husband want to stop? (Sorry if I missed a thread confirming his position).

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/12/2013 20:08

Gotmygoat

Maybe your DH is just very controlling, and a bit scary when people suggest things he doesn't like?

Nah , he's a pussycat and would actually love someone else to make arrangements once in a while , thinking about it , that is probably why grown men follow him around

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