18yo Santa visit

[sequinsequins]

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

Does he have a social communication disorder?

Possibly, no one can say either way without an assessment though, there appear to be grounds for requesting one though.

Or is he the product of his mothers design?

Or his Fathers? Maybe.

Is he on xbox? Thats where they socialise these days.

Not sure why his father is just sitting back and not doing anything to sort this situation out tbh, can he not encourage him at all? How does he get to your house?

Surely the right and fair thing to do would be to ask when booking if he wanted to join you, or whether he would like to just come and visit another day?

mortified because he would say yes, he does want to go even though he won't gain any enjoyment from it and won't engage, interact or smile while there.

He is no more able to say no when asked that question than he is able to fly to the moon.

"Not sure why his father is just sitting back and not doing anything to sort this situation out tbh, can he not encourage him at all? How does he get to your house?"

What do you suggest DH does, out of interest?

He sometimes gets the bus and sometimes DH collects him

Exactly mumallthetime, DSS is utterly unaware if the concept of choice over access. DH has clearly told him on many occasions, but he may as well be talking Swahili, so deeply engrained is rota compliance

Do you know the OP and her DSS in real life Mumallthetime?

Op I do understand your frustration, but it have to say there is very little empathy or compassion coming across in your posts. The boy you are describing is quite possibly lonely, lacking in self esteem and embroiled in a very unhealthy relationship with his mother. He may or may not have ASD but you can't discount the possibility unless you are qualified to diagnose and have assessed him. Whichever way you look at it, he is unlikely to be feeling very happy right now and some patience and understanding could help him so much more than judgements and irritation.

I know that's easier said than done, but I have read all your posts and I just feel really sad for him.

AmberLeaf, if you read on in that post you would see that I did mention how this was also his Fathers issue.

While I do think it stems from the boys mum, I also wonder how his dad could stand back and let this happen. He has got a say, whether his ex "does letters" or not.

When DSS was under 18 something should have been done.

OP I suggest you actually make your DH listen to you about this. He is sticking his head in the sand and is giving up too easily.

Interestingly though, each time I've asked here for suggestions as to what DH can DO, there haven't been any tangible suggestions

"Surely this access pattern is naturally going to come to an end when he leaves college and goes to uni/gets a job?"

I think DSS more than likely to go a uni within commuting distance and if so, it will really just be like school. I can't see his mother giving up that easily, she will choose for him

amber, no, I don't know the OP personally - but i hsve been following her situation because have first hand experience of the behaviour of her DSS with my DH DS.

Interestingly, my DH has taken a different approach to the OPs and has chosen to be more proactive in addressing the issues - Interacting eith school, securing counselling, and creating an environment in which his DS was willing to disclose his feelings about his Mum.

That has led to allegations, contact refusal and court action by DSS mum to prevent all contact.

I'll let you know how it goes.

At 18 your dh should not be picking him up, he needs to get to you under his own steam, get him a key. What does he do when hes at yours? Does he have xbox, lap top etc? Has he thought of getting a part time job? Is he close with his dad, I presume so as he wants to be with him at all times when hes with you, can they chat things over? Has he taken him to see other unis, wheres his friends going etc....

OP, do you realise that your posts are purely opportunities for you to say how awful your SS is?

Actually, I'll correct that - they are also slating his mother too.

What are you going to do to improve your relationship with him, since I'm sure you realise he will always be your partner's son whether he is an adult or a child?

I don't expect you to answer - you've ignored my other questions.
[humph]

do you realise that your posts are purely opportunities for you to say how awful your SS is?

Actually, I'll correct that - they are also slating his mother too.

Isn't that allowed? I've seen posts from people saying how awful their MIL is, or their exH, or the teacher, neighbour, even their own teen!

If it helps the OP to rant on MN, then so what!?!

Onestepcloser, he has free access to the Xbox and pc. He isn't that interested in the Xbox. He does minimal schoolwork tbh, also that, combined with the lack of interests leaves a lot of spare time to get bored and follow DH around. He gets plenty of opportunity for one to one time with DH and they chat. When DH offers opinions about uni, DSS clams up and doesn't answer (his mother has made it very clear to DSS that DH is "thick" and knows nothing about education). DSS went to several university open days, yes

I just get the sense of inertia from the OP. It's not a case of 'can I have some advice about this situation', rather a case of 'isn't this person awful and a terrible inconvenience'.

She just seems stuck, and I'm wondering if things might improve if one of the parties in this were willing to budge an inch, which none if then are.

That is why I asked.

*them

*of, ffs!

I'm off to get a new phone....

Each time I have asked for suggestions on what DH can do, there have been none. And now I'm criticised for not asking for advice.

I have asked for advice over the years and took this up in the form of advocating joining scouts, voluntary work, DOE, counselling.

Does he like his dad? Has their relationship always been so nothing (sorry cant think of a better word) I just have a vision of an 18yo spending eow sitting saying or doing nothing. Wearing for everyone I should think.

Has it always been like this? He does sound terribly unhappy.