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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Absolutely unbelievable DSD is taking the p**s!!!

108 replies

louby44 · 18/09/2013 18:34

So DP eldest DD15 has blanked him for 2 months. He's made a bit of progress with DD13 and took her out for lunch on Saturday which he really enjoyed but DD15 refused to go. She did speak to her dad for 5 minutes though.

She has just text him to ask if he can put £25 in her bank account!!
Her mum won't add any more as she already gives her £40 a month and a further £50 every 3 months (for clothes).

DP hasn't even replied to her. I cannot believe that she has the cheek to text her dad to ask for money, it just sums her up!

She should pack in smoking and learn to budget.

OP posts:

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Bonsoir · 18/09/2013 18:35

What is the financial agreement?

Original poster

louby44 · 18/09/2013 18:38

With who? DP gives his ex wife a very decent amount every month for his 2 DD through the CSA. Certainly more than I get off my ex.

OP posts:

Sindarella · 18/09/2013 18:39

Why doesnt she speak to him?

MariaLuna · 18/09/2013 18:40

Ignore.

Let them learn some manners first.

Original poster

louby44 · 18/09/2013 18:45

Long story. Disastrous holiday where we caught her smoking and general bad behaviour, rude, insolent, lying in bed. BIG fight with her dad where she was swearing at him and spat in his face. He slapped her (yes he knows he shouldn't have but he flipped). He has apologised profusely since - she, however has not for her behaviour!

So she has ignored him since, refuses to come to our house, blocked him on facebook.

Slow progress with DD13 (who has been copying her sister lead).

Now she wants money!

OP posts:

LtEveDallas · 18/09/2013 18:45

Hmm we've had a similar issue recently. Difference being that my DSD is an adult and more than capable of earning a wage. Hard isnt it?

I think it would be a big mistake to acquiesce, she's obvs just using him as a bank. What a 'mare. I feel for you.

Petal02 · 18/09/2013 20:03

There must be something in the water at the moment: DH has been estranged from his daughter for over 6 years now, so you can imagine our reaction when we got a request for money, via DSS, a few weeks ago ......

Original poster

louby44 · 18/09/2013 20:10

They are priceless aren't they? She is probably thinking he 'owes her' because he took DSD13 out for lunch and bought her an £8 t-shirt. But DSD15 had the chance to go and declined.

Tough luck!

OP posts:

Eliza22 · 19/09/2013 08:38

I would not, under any circumstances, give her the money.

I agree with MariaLuna ... She needs to learn some basic manners.

cantreachmytoes · 19/09/2013 10:41

I remember your previous thread.

Don't give her the money..although I have a feeling he might out of guilt? Remind him his daughter isn't for sale and if she gets money this time it'll be nearly impossible in the future to say no. Keep offering to take her out with her sister and spend whatever on them together, but he's not an ATM (if you deal with a bank, you at least SPEAK to someone).

curlew · 19/09/2013 10:45

He slapped her..................?

absentmindeddooooodles · 19/09/2013 10:50

^^ what curlew said........

Original poster

louby44 · 19/09/2013 17:10

Yes he slapped her AFTER she called HIM a fucking bastard, spat in his face, bit him and scratched him. There was his blood all over the floor. She just went for him!

He knows he shouldn't haven't slapped her but he just lost it. Surprisingly I have been amazed at the people who I've told that say 'good on him for slapping her, I would have done the same!' I don't agree but I know I too would have found it very hard to keep my hands off her.

She is very aggressive and her mum has had the police to her to issue a caution.

I hope he hasn't given her the money. He told me he hasn't.

OP posts:

JeanPaget · 19/09/2013 17:14

I don't think a grown man slapping his daughter is acceptable under any circumstances. If he'd slapped you I think the majority of MN posters, including myself, would say it was DV and urge you to leave him to protect yourself and your children...

I'm not at all surprised that she's 'blanked' him for 2 months.

NatashaBee · 19/09/2013 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 19/09/2013 18:02

If he'd slapped you I think the majority of MN posters, including myself, would say it was DV and urge you to leave him to protect yourself and your children

Even if the OP in that situation had a criminal record for violence and was attacking him at the time?

Even the MN jury isn't that bias!!!!!!!

Original poster

louby44 · 19/09/2013 18:06

Jean - people parent differently and have been brought up differently. You would be surprised at how many people consider smacking/slapping normal. I'm not making excuses for him at all. He has never been violent before with me or any of our other children and I certainly do not fear for my safety or my children's. And I certainly don't consider one slap when SEVERLEY provoked is domestic violence.

It was a culmination of various things that have gone on with DSD for over a year...underage sex, drinking, smoking, taking the morning after pill, mixing with much older kids. She was only 15 in March.

She is very angry. She has had counselling through school after locking herself in the bathroom and refusing to go to school numerous times, but that has ended now.

OP posts:

Original poster

louby44 · 19/09/2013 18:13

Jean - I re-read your post and realised I'd read it wrong. yes if he slapped ME I would consider it DV, but he really isn't like that. Our relationship is very strong. We support each other and after 6 years we want the best for our kids and family in general.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 19/09/2013 18:17

I remember the previous threads.

He slapped her. No excuse for that. She could have reported him for assault. (She should have done).

No wonder she is still angry.

If a wife was hit about the face by her husband and he still expected her to go out for lunch with him everyone would be telling him to fuck off. Why different because she is a child and it's her father ? Her bad behaviour does not justify him hitting her.

Original poster

louby44 · 19/09/2013 18:23

So what about her bad behaviour, aggression and violence towards him.

He had scratches all over his legs, there was blood all over the floor. She bit him. She spat in his face. She went for him big style.

Maybe he should have reported her? Would have been interesting we were in Turkey at the time.

She is a child. I've seen her in action and she is very nasty, quite scary really. I honestly don't know if I would have done the same thing if it had been me with one of my DC.

OP posts:

LtEveDallas · 19/09/2013 18:33

Actually, in the UK spitting on someone is considered 'common assault'. I know a man that hit someone who had spit in his face, and in court the judge said that he had been 'severely provoked' and 'acted in self defence'

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 19/09/2013 19:06

She could have reported him for assault. (She should have done).

Like her mother did which led to her caution?

Out of interest, at what age do you consider a DC should be legally culpable for assaulting a parent (and therefore the parent can justify self-defence?) Should a parent expect to tolerate physical assault by their DCs throughout their lives? To what degree? Common assault? ABH? GBH? Attempted murder? Perhaps you think a child should be justified in killing their parent?

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 19/09/2013 19:06

X-posted with Dallas

charitymum · 19/09/2013 19:22

Poor kid. Clearly troubled. That degree of violence and behaviours at such a young age (you say is been going on for some time and she is only 15 now) points to an unhappy kid with who needs appropriate support. Can she get more counselling?

TBH while being of ignored, spat at, hit etc is unpleasant and must be particularly hurtful coming from daughter she is a child. You are the adults. She needs you to help. If the violence continues of course consider reporting her to police-and ask them for referral for help-but maybe try school, counselling and support as first step.

And as for money if you are going to say no don't make it punitive. Just explain that you think she has enough but be clear you'd love her to come round, go out etc. I assume you would want this?

Original poster

louby44 · 19/09/2013 19:34

charitymum She lives with her mum fulltime and only comes to us EOW.

She does need more counselling but it's not my call. It's up to her parents and her dad feels like he has little say in anything regarding his DD. He gets a lot of "it's what kids are like now" from his ex-wife. Infact his ex-wife sounds like a nightmare. She seems to let them do what they want.

He was called to take DSD13 to the hospital on Monday (as ex-wife was starting a new job, didn't want to call in sick on her first day). DSD13 had punched the wardrobe with her fist as she had got so angry with her mum. Mum had asked her to tidy her room?

Luckily her hand wasn't broken but just badly bruised. Goodness knows what is going on in that house!

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